I am a SAHM with 5 children. My 5th child,Larson, lived for an amazing but short 23 hours. He is now safe in the arms of Jesus enjoying his eternal home. I also have an amazing husband who I have been married to for 10 years!! Praise the Lord.
Please be gentle with me for I am grieving. The sea I swim in is a lonely oneand the shore seems miles away. Waves of despair numb my soulas I struggle through each day. My heart is heavy with sorrow. I want to shout and screamand repeatedly ask 'why?' At times, my grief overwhelms me and I weep bitterly,so great is my loss. Please don’t turn away or tell me to move on with my life. I must embrace my pain before I can begin to heal. Companion me through tears and sit with me in loving silence. Honor where I am in my journey,not where you think I should be. Listen patiently to my story,I may need to tell it over and over again. It’s how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss. Nurture me through the weeks and months ahead. Forgive me when I seem distant and inconsolable. A small flame still burns within my heart,and shared memories may trigger both laughter and tears. I need your support and understanding.There is no right or wrong way to grieve. I must find my own path. Please, will you walk beside me?
Oh Little Larson
Little Larson Oh Little Larson You died a long time ago. Oh how we miss you. You were cute and little. But you struggled deeply. You tried to fight,But it was to hard. And now you are with the Holy One. In Heaven playing with your mates who suffered too. You are perfect now. Oh how we all long to live with you there. Oh little Larson we miss you.
Go ahead and mention my child, The one that died, you know. Don't worry about hurting me further. The depth of my pain doesn't show. Don't worry about making me cry. I'm already crying inside. Help me to heal by releasing the tears that I try to hide. I'm hurt when you just keep silent, Pretending he didn't exist. I'd rather you mention my child, Knowing that he has been missed. You asked me how I was doing. I say "pretty good" or "fine". But healing is something ongoing I feel it will take a lifetime. ~ Elizabeth Dent ~
Today marks 5 weeks since Larson has gone to be with the Lord. The day was also marked by a phone call from the cemetery to inform me that Larson's DEATH CERTIFICATE was in. I always looked forward to having my children's BIRTH CERTIFICATE sent to me, and could have never imagined that I would be receiving my child's death certificate. I do take comfort in knowing that although Larson is marked as dead here on earth, he is very much alive with Christ. Please pray for strength for our family and especially Gods comfort as we prepare to open our mail. We will be receiving his DEATH CERTIFICATE. I will also be receiving his birth certificate with a stamp on it marked "DECEASED".
The reason I mention this is because I have had many ask what seems to be a simple question..."what can we do?" It seems that this question should be answered so easily, and honestly I wish I could give you a simple answer. You see, this journey that Steve and I are on is in no way simple. There are many twists and turns and many ups and downs. Just when we think we understand how to handle this, we will be blindsided by something new. There is no band-aid (it would have to be big one) and there is no quick remedy. I certeinly would have found it by know. I look at the book of Job and it says he was "blameless and upright, and one who feared God and shunned evil." (Job 1:1). Job had so many questions throughtout his trial, and the answers could only come from God. No one could make it better or bring him comfort even though they wanted to.
I have to be honest, I did not see myself handling it this way. I love being around people and usually know just what to say. Right now, I don't have much to say (I know SHOCKING!!) Please don't be afraid to ask how I am doing and don't feel like you need to say something to make it better. A listening ear is very comforting. Sometimes I want to answer that I am OK even though sometimes I don't feel OK. Sometimes I don't want to say anything at all. Not because I am angry, but becuase I don't know what to say or how I am doing. Please don't take this personally. I am so grateful for all the love that each of you has shown to my family. In many ways I am walking this journey with you. As uncomfortable as you are...so am I.
If I could tell you a few things to help someone who is grieving or lost a loved one it would be to give them a hug, tell them you are sorry and even mention the loved one who is gone. Those of us who have lost someone will not forget them, and we hope you won't either. As people we want to "do" something and the most important thing to do is pray. Prayer is often forgone for some type of physical action when it is the best action to take. It is private, personal and as you pray you'll have sovereign results. We had a family tell us that they didn't pray much but when the news of Larson came they prayed constantly. That meant so much to us, they would have done anything for us but knew that we needed prayer more than anything they could do. I wish I could fix what is going on and make it better, but I also know that that is not what God wants or He would have done that already. I take comfort that God is in control and knows exactly the purpose in all of this. Does my heart ache? Yes Do I miss Larson? Yes Do I trust God? YES.
Ecclesiastes 3:1 To everything there is a season, Atime for every purpose under heaven; A time to be born, And a time to die; A time to plant, And a time to pluck what is planted; A time to kill, And a time to heal; Atime to break down, And a time to build up; A time to weep, And a time to laugh; A time to mourn, And a time to dance; A time to cast away stones, And a time to gather stones; A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing; A time to gain, And a time to lose; A time to keep, And a time to throw away; A time to tear, And a time to sew; A time to keep silence, And a time to speak;
Psalm 139:13 For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother's womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well. My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, The days fashioned for me, When as yet there were none of them
I will NEVER forget October 2nd. Yes a day that will be forever etched into my mind! The day we found out that our son was "not perfect." As the last months have slowly gone by I waited for our son to be born. Constantly wondering what he would look like. I always had this question in the back of my mind with my other children. The difference was that our other children did not have a fatal diagnosis. They had their entire brain and all there genes where were they should be. When Larson arrived on January 22nd (another day I will NEVER forget) I was amazed to see my PERFECT little boy. From the black hair like his siblings, to his sweet face all the way down to his toes. Yes our son had 10 fingers and 8 toes. We always say as parents that when our children come out we count 10 fingers and 10 toes. Well it was different with Larson and I am so glad. Larson was formed perfectly by the same God who formed my other children and God did not make a mistake with Larson. I bonded to Larson while he was in my womb just as I did my other children. Every kick and movement. He moved so much more than my other children most likely because he was missing his brain. I would like to think he moved more because he had so much life to live in such a short amount of time. His short life blessed me more than I could have ever imagined. He was AMAZING!!
I miss Larson so much. Today we went to visit the cemetary with our children. It is quite surreal to be visiting one of your children at the cemetary, but this is our life now. We continue to take things day by day, realizing that we can not "plan" our lives. If I could contol my life then it would definitly not be like it is right now. I am thankful to take comfort in knowing that that God does not make mistakes and am reminded of this in Isaiah 55:8-9 "For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways," says the Lord. "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways, And My thoughts than your thoughts.
We serve a good God and I know we will get through this time by His Grace, Love and Mercy. Please continue to pray for us.
Hello Family and Friends,I decided to start writing a blog so I can update everyone on how our family is doing. I am so appreciative of all of you. Your emails, letters and phone messages have been heartwarming and encouraging. I know that in time, I will be able to talk with each of you. I have cherished your emails so much and can respond easier to them since I can write back while my children are asleep. ( firstname.lastname@example.org ) Having a family to care for has kept Steve and I very busy. We cherish our children in a different way then we did before.
I still am very tired. I have had a hard time sleeping at night, so if you are up at night, I would covet your prayers! When the house is quiet is when thoughts come in and I begin to re-live the last 4 months and longing to hold my sweet baby boy.We continue to miss Larson. Sometimes more and more each day. He blessed us so much for his short time on earth. I continue to take comfort in knowing that he is resting safely in the arms of Christ. The last 4 months have seemed long and yet also a blur. Often I feel like I am really not going through this and that it is a dream. What I do know is that I have gotten through this difficult time by relying only on the Lord and His Grace. I still ache so much to hold Larson, knowing I will not hold him agin in this lifetime.
I leave you with this devotional from "Beside Still Waters"A TIME TO DIE Ecclesiastes 3:2God has fixed the time of our death (Job 7:1). It is useless to dream of living her forever. A time of departure must come unless the Lord returns. If He returns before our departure, then "we who are alive and reamin shall be caught up... in the cluds to meet the Lord in the air. And thus we shall always be with the Lord" (1 Thess. 4:17).Here, diseases wait in ambush, eager to slay. But, "He shall cover you with His feathers, and under His wings you shall take refuge... You shall not be afraid of the terror by night, nor of the arrow that flies by day, nor of the pestilence that walks in darkness, nor of the destruction that lays waste at noonday. A thousand may fall at your side, and ten thousand at you right hand; but it shall not come near you" (Ps. 91:4-7) We are immortal until our work is done. l then we shall receive our summons home.If duty calls you into danger, if you have to nurse the contagious sick, do not hold back. You will not die by a stray arrow from death's quiver; only God can take your breath. your death is not left to chance. It is determined by a heavenly Father's gracious will; therefore, do not be afraid. Now do not be reckless and rush into danger without reason, for that is madness. Yet never fear to face death when God's voice calls you into danger.Here is comfort;If the Father of our Lord Jesus arranges all, then our friends do not die untimely deaths. Believers are not cut off before their time. God has appointed a time to harvest His fruit. Some are sweet, even in the early spring, and He gathers them. Others, like baskets of summer fruit, are taken while the year is young. yet some reamin until autumn mellows them. Be sure of this, each will be gathered in season. God has appointed the commencement, the continuation, and the conclusion of your mortal life.
This blog was created in order to communicate with our family and friends about our journey of grief with our son Larson. Larson was diagnosed on October 2nd, 2007 with HPE alobar. He was born on January 22nd, 2008 and lived for a wonderful 23 hours. I created this blogt to make communicating easier and more efficent following Larsons death. It journals my emotions, hopes, fears and everything in between. Grief is difficult...unpredictable...exhausting and confusing. If you are in a similar situation feel free to email me. I know that the journey can be a bit easier when traveled with a friend who has gone through it also. May Larsons story declare the Lords faithfulness during lifes most trying and darkest times.