Today was a rough day and I found myself unprepared for it. I always thought "THE DAY" would be the hardest and for us the date was October 2nd. Although today was hard. We found out about Larson on a Tuesday. The air seemed similar as did the weather. I did many of the same things and it felt similar. I guess as I went through the day it seemed surreal. Surreal because at times I still feel like I have lived a dream. I began to consider my life a year ago...365 days....
On this day a year ago, I never imagined that....
I would be visiting my son at a cemetery rather then waking him from a nap
I would be planning a funeral rather then a nursery
That I would pick out an outfit to bury my son in rather then a "take home outfit"
That I would be making decisions for a birth plan that was 3 pages long
That I would enter into suffering more then I could ever imagine
I would find out that my baby was a boy and that he would die...all at the same time.
That I would go into a hospital to have a baby and walk out with empty arms
That I would have only 23 hours with my son
That I would have a tattoo with my sons foot on my foot
Friendships would change...some are stronger, some are weaker
That I would feel uncomfortable in situations that I have always felt comfortable
That death would be real to me because it has know come to my house
I would see my husband as an even stronger man then I did before
That I would be so weak and yet seek Christ more
But...I can also say that one year later...
I love God more then I did before
I hope to know God more intimately each and every day
I do not find tears as a weakness
I desire to have intimate and real relationships rather then just surface
I hope to comfort others as they may walk this path
I live every day knowing it very well could be my last
I try to intentionally spend time with my children
I am learning to embrace the pain of loss rather then run from it
I walk with a limp and am not ashamed
We have amazing friends who have walked so well with us no matter our emotions.
We have friends who are willing to love us unconditionally as Christ has
We have amazing family who have supported us well.
Our family and friends are willing to let us grieve the way we need to, and have put no boundries on the time or what it should look like...Thank you.
Life changed for me and my family on October 2nd, 2007. We laugh different, we smile different, we rejoice different, we see things different...and I am thankful for the change.
I do miss the old Corie sometimes..the care free spirit, the "ignorance", the innocence, the thoughts...but I am thankful that God has shown me that this life is marked by suffering and that our trust in Christ will bring us to an eternity where there will no longer be sadness and tears.
I want to reassure people..for those who have commented on their concerns...I am not depressed, just more sober-minded. I am doing fine. I am not defeated, I have been strengthen. Gods mercies are new every day and He has been so faithful to give them.
I take each day as it comes as I know that is all I am guaranteed. Because I am not the same does not mean that I am not OK. Rather I know that God gave me this time for a reason. The purpose I may never know. But just as Jacob wrestled with God and came out with a limp...I too am changed. I will walk with a limp while rejoicing that God has been faithful to walk with me (sometimes carry me) as He has promised, wrestling me while reminding me that He is worthy to be Praised. With that said...THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL THE LOVE YOU HAVE GIVEN TO MY FAMILY!
Turn off the songs below and listen. A song by Steven Curtis Chapman. A song I love to hear and worship with. I believe you Lord...You are good...You are worthy to be praised...You are with us...You are faithful.
Favorite Baking Tools: Kitchen Scale by Joanne
3 hours ago