I am a SAHM with 5 children. My 5th child,Larson, lived for an amazing but short 23 hours. He is now safe in the arms of Jesus enjoying his eternal home. I also have an amazing husband who I have been married to for 10 years!! Praise the Lord.
Please be gentle with me for I am grieving. The sea I swim in is a lonely oneand the shore seems miles away. Waves of despair numb my soulas I struggle through each day. My heart is heavy with sorrow. I want to shout and screamand repeatedly ask 'why?' At times, my grief overwhelms me and I weep bitterly,so great is my loss. Please don’t turn away or tell me to move on with my life. I must embrace my pain before I can begin to heal. Companion me through tears and sit with me in loving silence. Honor where I am in my journey,not where you think I should be. Listen patiently to my story,I may need to tell it over and over again. It’s how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss. Nurture me through the weeks and months ahead. Forgive me when I seem distant and inconsolable. A small flame still burns within my heart,and shared memories may trigger both laughter and tears. I need your support and understanding.There is no right or wrong way to grieve. I must find my own path. Please, will you walk beside me?
Oh Little Larson
Little Larson Oh Little Larson You died a long time ago. Oh how we miss you. You were cute and little. But you struggled deeply. You tried to fight,But it was to hard. And now you are with the Holy One. In Heaven playing with your mates who suffered too. You are perfect now. Oh how we all long to live with you there. Oh little Larson we miss you.
Go ahead and mention my child, The one that died, you know. Don't worry about hurting me further. The depth of my pain doesn't show. Don't worry about making me cry. I'm already crying inside. Help me to heal by releasing the tears that I try to hide. I'm hurt when you just keep silent, Pretending he didn't exist. I'd rather you mention my child, Knowing that he has been missed. You asked me how I was doing. I say "pretty good" or "fine". But healing is something ongoing I feel it will take a lifetime. ~ Elizabeth Dent ~
Today Levi (my 3 year old) and I had the following conversations. I had to share it...
Levi: Mom, we have 5 kids in our family.
Me: Yes and Larson is with Jesus. What do you think he is doing?
Levi: Playing with Pearl and Sophie.
Me: Yes probably. Hes probably having so much fun.
Levi: Why didn't you die with Larson...you should've!
Me: Why should I have dies also?
Levi: Because you were with him.
Me: Well..I was not sick though. He was in my tummy and he came out, but we knew he was a sick little man.
Levi: Well we should have brought him home to make him feel better.
Me: Well we knew that he did not have his brain and that he would not be able to live.
Levi: Well you should have taken him to the doctor so he could be better.
Me: We did talk to the doctor, but there was nothing we could do.
Levi: Well I still think we should have got him home fast....then he would be better.
Oh out of the mouth of babes. Levi LOVES talking about his brother and I think every worker from target to walmart to the outlet mall knows about Larson. Any comment pertaining to "how many kids we have..." Levi will always make sure they know about "Larson, my brother who died!" Amazing the effect Larson had on his siblings. Although small...his life was large!
I wanted to take the opportunity to post some pictures from last weekends Walk to Remember in Colorado. I signed up awhile ago, but as it approached and the weather looked gloomy, I was wavering over whether I should go at all. I didn't want to make my husband go if he didn't feel comfortable and I wasn't sure about my kids. I am not sure why it became a big decision...everything seems to be for me lately. A little indecisive...a little preoccupied.
Anyway, I expressed this to a dear friend and she decided to contact a few friends to meet me (my kids all wanted to go) and walk in honor of Larson. I can not tell you how blessed I was (and Steve) to have friends walk beside me. I would like to thank them each for walking with my family...not just on Saturday but since October 2nd.
With that being said, there were MANY others that I know I could have called on as well to walk. Next time I'll plan better! I continue to praise God for the MANY faithful friends He has put...and kept...in our lives during this time. Some are new friends..Aimee and Laura!, and my blogger friends!...although it doesn't seem that way, Others are old friends (family is included in this! Our families rock!) and some are friends I have known for awhile but our friendships have grown deeper and stronger. Thank you to each and everyone of you from the bottom of my hearts. Words just don't say enough..but I try.
I know at times it has not been easy for either of us. Often we don't know what to say to one another. There has been times of awkwardness and yet you have been willing to be awkward. There were times you don't know what to say and yet you listened. There were times you just wanted to fix it (THANK YOU! I WISH!) and yet you were satisfied to pray and just hold our hands. There were times I didn't return calls or emails and yet you continued to leave loving messages or continue to offer help. I know you all were probably exhausted as well, confused, sad and burdened. You have helped carry it with us just being doing what you did...persevering with us! You didn't give up on us. You walked with us. I could go on and on...hopefully you all get the point! THANK YOU
Please excuse my look...Denver was raining and it just doesn't work with naturally curly hair. I know pretty vain to tell you this!
I have never thought about this before...probably because I never had to. This year is different. As I write this I want those around me to think of others who may have gone through loss either recently or even years ago. I think people may think that because a child died either young, or a while ago that the pain just goes away. It no different then someone with an illness that they didn't ask for. Families who lose children did not ask for this story...yet they are living it. They are survivors...God is so good!
Well as a mother now of a baby that left us far sooner then we had hoped...the pain is still here, and yet I am a survivor. I choose to move forward and enjoy my children each and every day. I choose to think of Larson and talk about him because I love him the same. The pain is different now, it doesn't sting as much, but the reality is...my son is gone and I miss him. I mourn the death of my son and yet I know how very blessed I am to have been "chosen" to carry this precious baby. To give him a name...to give him life...to watch miracles unfold before my eyes...Larson will forever be our baby and for that I feel like one blessed mommy. The pain has been worth it and the change in my life as well. I continue to pray how God will guide me and my family, into the future and how we will be able to use the heartache and joy from this year to help others who may also be feeling a loss of some sort. I continue to step into each day by the Grace of God with hope and perseverance to enjoy what God has given me. At times it is not easy. I have to step forward without someone...but we are going to honor Larsons life by doing this.
I ask you to be aware of those around you. Often it is obvious who is sick, but it is not so obvious to see a persons heartache. The loss of a child is difficult. I hope that through this journey I have been able to express my thoughts and emotions so some of my family and friends can understand this journey. Not everyone will do it the same, some may not ache as long or even hurt the same. Its not up to you to decide what it should look like. Just be there when your friend needs you however that may look without expectations. As a mom whose son is gone...I always enjoy him being acknowledged and hearing his name. He was here if even for a day! He will NEVER be forgotten!
Ive tried to sit down a few times to type and I just feel like I have so many thoughts in my head and its just so hard to sit down and write them down. I know my posts may at times be choppy and this will be some of the same.
I have my good days and then my bad ones. I am not ever sure why they are the way they are...except that I am sure the many prayers and the additional grace from God makes the difference.
I continue to walk through the fire (i...there is no where else to go. I will take the joy and the pain when I have to although quite honestly I wish to avoid it.
My tears still come, maybe just not as often. There is something about tears that makes it feel better. It seems just yesterday we found out about Larson and yet it also seems like so far away that I held his beautiful little body in my arms.
I sit here tonight with sadness. I really am tired at night, but I have a hard time relaxing! I know that Gods mercies are new everyday so I am praying for a good day tomorrow. I am going on a field trip with Luke...what else could be better then spending some time with my kids.
We continue to be so grateful for all of you who have walked along side us...so well AND so patiently. Sure wish I could tell you what this will look like tomorrow, or in a week or a month or a year...But I can't. So for those who have let us be who we need to be...THANK YOU!
Who knew 365 days ago that TUESDAY would be a harder day then today? Who knew 365 days ago that I would have a peace TODAY that I can not explain? Who knew 365 days ago that LARSON would not be in my home but his heavenly home? Who knew 365 days ago that we would be walking this story? Who knew 365 days ago how many tears I would shed? Who knew 365 days ago that I would have a marker at a cemetery? Who knew 365 days ago what each day would look like? Who knew 365 days ago that so many would be praying for my family? Who knew 365 days ago who would walk this journey with us? Who knew 365 days ago just where Larsons story would go? Who knew my story before I did?
God knew. God knew 365 days ago. God knew before time my story...His story. My faithful Father in Heaven knew all of this. My God who knew that He would have to sacrifice His one and ONLY Son. My God who put His Son, who had no sin, on the cross to pay for sin. He is the same today as He was Yesterday. And He will be the same tomorrow.
Psalm 23:4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For you are WITH me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
My friend Aimee said it so well in her own blog. The signnificance of this date(October 2nd) is big because its the day we lost Larson. Without a brain, without an amazing miracle we knew what we were headed for. We lost our dream, we lost our plan, we lost our son...but we have not lost hope. We did have 17 more weeks with him but the weight was great. I can only say that IT IS Gods grace that has us where we are today...Still Believing!
I can say today...with confidence and through tears and sorrow and joy...I STILL BELIEVE! Jeremy Camp wrote this song following the death of his wife of less then a year. She died of cancer in her early 20's. They knew before they got married that her cancer was back, he loved her well...he loved her to the end...AND he can stil say he believes in the same God he believed in before this heartache. I love the words!
This blog was created in order to communicate with our family and friends about our journey of grief with our son Larson. Larson was diagnosed on October 2nd, 2007 with HPE alobar. He was born on January 22nd, 2008 and lived for a wonderful 23 hours. I created this blogt to make communicating easier and more efficent following Larsons death. It journals my emotions, hopes, fears and everything in between. Grief is difficult...unpredictable...exhausting and confusing. If you are in a similar situation feel free to email me. I know that the journey can be a bit easier when traveled with a friend who has gone through it also. May Larsons story declare the Lords faithfulness during lifes most trying and darkest times.