I am a SAHM with 5 children. My 5th child,Larson, lived for an amazing but short 23 hours. He is now safe in the arms of Jesus enjoying his eternal home. I also have an amazing husband who I have been married to for 10 years!! Praise the Lord.
Please be gentle with me for I am grieving. The sea I swim in is a lonely oneand the shore seems miles away. Waves of despair numb my soulas I struggle through each day. My heart is heavy with sorrow. I want to shout and screamand repeatedly ask 'why?' At times, my grief overwhelms me and I weep bitterly,so great is my loss. Please don’t turn away or tell me to move on with my life. I must embrace my pain before I can begin to heal. Companion me through tears and sit with me in loving silence. Honor where I am in my journey,not where you think I should be. Listen patiently to my story,I may need to tell it over and over again. It’s how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss. Nurture me through the weeks and months ahead. Forgive me when I seem distant and inconsolable. A small flame still burns within my heart,and shared memories may trigger both laughter and tears. I need your support and understanding.There is no right or wrong way to grieve. I must find my own path. Please, will you walk beside me?
Oh Little Larson
Little Larson Oh Little Larson You died a long time ago. Oh how we miss you. You were cute and little. But you struggled deeply. You tried to fight,But it was to hard. And now you are with the Holy One. In Heaven playing with your mates who suffered too. You are perfect now. Oh how we all long to live with you there. Oh little Larson we miss you.
Go ahead and mention my child, The one that died, you know. Don't worry about hurting me further. The depth of my pain doesn't show. Don't worry about making me cry. I'm already crying inside. Help me to heal by releasing the tears that I try to hide. I'm hurt when you just keep silent, Pretending he didn't exist. I'd rather you mention my child, Knowing that he has been missed. You asked me how I was doing. I say "pretty good" or "fine". But healing is something ongoing I feel it will take a lifetime. ~ Elizabeth Dent ~
Enjoying my family. It was a nice blessing to venture to Vail to enjoy one another this year. Last year we were still able to enjoy Larson although we knew his life would end on this earth soon. This Thanksgiving brought much to ponder, much to be thankful for. As we continue to move forward, by Gods enormous Grace, we have learned that there is much to be thankful for. I pray this year that we continue to cling to Gods promises. Although we never know what tomorrow will bring, I can say that through this year I know God remains.
Of course I continue to wrestle with many thoughts. Thankfully God is so patient. I pray that I will take each day as it comes and not get ahead of myself. I hope to cherish each moment with the children I still have. To keep my thoughts captive and to battle my fears and anxieties. Praying to trust Him more, love Him more, and know Him more.
I never thought I would be 10 months out and still having some hard days. It definitely seems the waves are further apart, but they still come crashing down at moments I don't expect.
The last couple of days were good. I substituted in my sons class...kindergarten. Well if those sweet children can't do a heart good...I don't know what will. Good to be around the light-hearted, free-spirited, honest-speaking, belly-laughing, adorable 5 and 6 year olds. It really was good for my heart. Kept me busy (not sure how I EVER taught full time) but then when the business stops, well then what do I do....THINK! No good at times.
Then...I woke up this morning so heavy...really not sure why. I feel like I could fall apart. My heart is heavy. The tears are on the surface. I am sad!
As I looked at the date it seemed so odd..yet not...that once again the 22nd has approached. This date brings smiles to my face as I remember my time with Larson, but can also bring me to deep sadness. The holidays are fast approaching and someone is not here. For some I know it seems odd that I would ache for my baby 10 months later and that I only new him for 9 months and 23 hours. I think the thought would have seemed difficult for me to understand as well...a couple of years ago. Grief is hard for those on the outside to understand. I also know that we have amazing friends...that although you may not understand. You have been so patient with all my emotions.
So on the weekend before Thanksgiving, I wanted to remind myself of all the things I am Thankful for... Harder when your heart is heavy, but no less important.
Growing up we went around the table to say what we are thankful for. I am sure I meant every word of what I said, but the understanding this year is entirely different.
So what am I thankful for?... I am thankful for a husband who has stood by my side
I am thankful that our marriage has withstood a heavy test
I am thankful for my 5 children and all they have taught me, and continue to!
I am thankful for my friends Laura and Aimee, who I didn't know a year ago, put were an amazing gift from the Lord during this time! God does provide!
I am thankful I am not in my bed with covers over my head...IM serious!
I am thankful for the soberness of death, and the miracle of life
I am thankful for MANY friends who have been SOOO patient
Most importantly...I am thankful for Jesus Christ who died on the Cross for sinners like me.
I know I have said this many times, but on this Thanksgiving I would like to reiterate my thankfulness to my family and friends. I never new how I would handle a trial so incredibly deep. Quite honestly, Im glad I didn't. My faith has been tested and tried. I have been stretched and pulled. I am not who I was before but I can say my friendships are not either. They have been proven to be some of the best. They have grown deeper and fuller with much more openness, honesty and depth. I know I have been an emotional wreck at times and then in an instance, smiling. You must think I have gone crazy...well I have a little bit...but through the waves you have been there for my family. Words do not say enough for the gratitude I feel for your loyalty and help. Thank you for sticking by us in the good and the bad. You have encourage us and cheered us on. You have talked about Larson and you are ok with my tears. You don't think that I am crazy (at least I hope not) when I still talk about Larson. You are fine with my tears and my smiles. You have shown us such unconditional love and so family and friends.........I AM SOOO THANKFUL for what God has unfolded this year through my sons life.
He has shown me..life and death, hope and joy, sadness an tears, soberness and questions and answers, a new limp, a genuine smile, amazing giggles, incredible 23 hours, pain and suffering, laughter and love, faithfulness and sincerity and loyally. I have been tested, but my faith is stronger then ever. God is true to His promises even in pain. He has given those who receive the biggest gift of all...His Son Jesus Christ. God has stayed the same through it all. As I continue to change..He remains..and so does His promise.
Thank you for reading, thank you for listening. I guess this post shows the ups and downs...
Another picture...I can never get tired of looking our family!
You may...or may not...have noticed from my last post that one of my struggles is figuring out, WHATS NEXT! I ache for my baby still...that has not gone away. It may not be as deep or as intense or for the whole day, but it is there. I ache to hold him. I certainly did not imagine the pain to be like this. This time last year I was just so tormented by the reality that I would watch my son die. I certainly thought that would be the hardest part. Well to my surprise, I just ache! Ache so much!
Yes I would love a baby to hold...my own baby. And not just a baby for me, but also for my kids as well. They were so excited for a brother or sister and now they are left with some of the same questions. Why did God take our baby? Will we have another one? Its not just me that lost Larson...my husband and kids did also. We are all navigating this journey in different ways. They all held him, kissed him loved him. They all picked out a webkin for their brother. They all put in on his casket. They all wept. The loss changed all of us, and brought us all questions. It seems one of my kids has one at least everyother day, or they talk about Larson. Hes on all of our minds.
So tonight while reading in "The One Year Book of Hope" by Nancy Guthrie. For those of you who have not read about her (many have who have lost children), she lost 2 of her own children. Anyway, I came upon this devotion. Not by accident I tell you...for God is good to take me right where I need to be. I want to share it with you. Its as though she was talking straight to me....I take no credit for this post. I just thought it would be easier and it seems she is much more eloquent then I!
If you cling to your life, you will lose it; but if you give it up for me, you will find it.---Matthew 10:39 Last weekend I called a young woman who wrote to me after losing her firstborn son, who lived two days before dying in her arms. His genetic abnormality is likely to repeat itself in future children she and her husband may have. "I want to be a mother," she wrote to me. "I want to have purpose and meaning in my life. I want to move on with whatever God has for me---but I don't know how to do any of these things. How do I mourn the possibility that I will never have a child of my own, when that has been my heart's greatest desire for as long as I remember?" We had a precious conversation, but I could tell that the high cost of what I was calling her to do---no, what Jesus is calling her to do---was staggering. Jesus calls us to abandon our own agendas, what we have deemed will please and fulfill us, so that we can embrace the kind and quality of life that only He gives. This is not about adding Jesus to the life we are living. This is about making Jesus our life. This about putting our plans for our lives to death so that the abundant life he offers has room to take root and grow. And death is always painful. This is not an extreme brand of discipleship only for go-getter's. This is the call for everyone who chooses to be a follower of Jesus. The problem is, we don't really believe that God's plan for our lives could be better than the one we've crafted. We don't believe we could be as fulfilled by the life he offers as we would be by the one we've planned. It takes a step of faith to believe God will supply satisfying life now and when we die. "Your son has given you an incredible gift," I told this grieving mom. "He has given you the gift of being forced to reconsider the very purpose of your life. Those who are sailing through a comfortable life at this point have not yet been forced to carefully consider their lives and surrender their dreams. But because you have been shaken to the core, you see clearly that if you cling to your own plans and desires, you will never discover freedom and joy found in losing your life for Jesus."
All I can say is.....AMEN Ms Guthrie...well said. Its exactly what I have been thinking and exactly what I need to hear and beg God for....Give me eyes of faith to see how beautiful and satisfying my life will be as I die to myself and live for you. Yes the story is different in that I DO have kids with me, but the loss of the child is not about what you do have its about walking through the valley to discover what God is teaching through the trial. May I not miss it...Larsons life, though my 5th, was not in vain. It was not to be covered or band-aided by all the at leasts of what I do have. Yes we are to be thankful, but I know his life was more then that. I am not suppose to be stuck in tangibles. This has been hard. The balance of being so grateful and yet wrestling with my pain. Wondering if we will ever have a baby to hold or if Gods will is for us to move forward without another child...a sibling for my children to dote on, a sibling to watch grow up with. Maybe God wants our family to just use Larsons life however that may be without anything additional. Knowing my story will be what God wants, not what I want and not what other stories are. The tapestry is so big from above...would love a glimpse!
Thank you Larson for making my life uncomfortable, for making me have to wrestle with my thoughts, for discovering that life is not always as planned, that I look at your sister and brothers differently, that we have learned, and continue to learn more and more, that I have been shaken to my core to the point that I want to speak to God and have a relationship with him and not just a religion. Thank you God for the story you are making. May I be at peace rather then anxious. May I be present in the day, not needing to know about tomorrow.
....my help come from YOU ....Maker of Heaven ...Creator of the Earth.
I have to ask myself often...Is this enough? Is the Creator of the Earth enough for me? Is my redemption in Christ enough for me, or do I need more? If only I had...then I would be satisfied. Then once again I have to ask...Who am I to ask for more or ask for something different? That is essentially saying, "God you messed up, I trust you are in control, I trust you are the Creator of the Earth and all that is in it, but I had a better plan then you" Ok! Yikes that is scary to think I would say that, yet honestly that is what we are saying when we are asking for something different or for something more
When Steve and I got married we always said we wanted a lot of kids. We "planned to have a lot of kids. Even saying boys, girls, etc. Although we always said it was Gods plan that was so easy to do! We began having children right away and 4 HEALTHY, UNCOMPLICATED, PERFECT babies in 5 years. Yep, easy to say God was good and in control right? Everything was going just as planned.I mean how hard is it to thank God and trust God, when the story is exactly as you want.
After Levi we were told to wait a year to have more children. I had already had 4 c-sections and so it would be best to let my body healed. Seemed easy. We could do it. We wanted to wait anyway and we would try again when we were ready. Seems to silly to me know. Who did I think I was? I am not trying to sound condesending, yet I find myself in awe as I look back at some of our thoughts and ideas, all the while trusting God.
So our “quest” for more children and ultimatly OUR desire began in August of 2006. I got pregnant but it ended up in miscarriage. How could this happen I thought. Well I trusted the Lord and after a couple months we were "suprised" to be pregant only to result in another miscarriage. What was going on I thought? We continued to try and when I got pregnant in May of 2007, I thought for sure this would be the successful pregnancy we wanted. Healthy baby and all. Girl for Emma...you name it. Everyone had their story for me about their miscarriage and their subsuqent succesful pregnancy. How God took their baby and that as a result they had the one in their arms. Thats what I was waiting for...THAT story!
Well my pregnancy was successful with Larson, but not by human definition. We got our baby we had been waiting for for 2 years, but only for a moment. What was this story and where did it come from. I knew from the moment I got the news that, yes, this story came from the same Hand that gave me my other children. Only this time and new I would be giving him back. Probably my worst nightmare...yet I was living it.
I am still in awe of the story we have been givin. Often sad that I only had him for a short time, yet so grateful for the mighty Hand of God in it. I am told I am strong...let me tell you, I AM NOT! I have never been weaker...yet stronger in my faith in the Lord Jesus Christ who can take away our pain.
So where am I going with this? Well after 2 years of loss and heartache I have had to ask myself, will I be healed from this heartache? Will my story have a happy ending...whatever that is? Where is redemption.
As I look up redemption in the dictonary this is what I found... Redemption means: 1. an act of redeeming or the state of being redeemed. 2. deliverance; rescue. 3. Theology. deliverance from sin; salvation. 4. atonement for guilt. 5. repurchase, as of something sold. 6. paying off, as of a mortgage, bond, or note. 7. recovery by payment, as of something pledged
As I look at everyone of these points I think of the same thing…Christ. Christ is my redemption. He was my redeption before time, before marriage, before children, before Larson. AND He still is. According to the definitions...and many scriptures...He came to redeem ME, not give me more. He came to deliver me, He came to save me from sin and condemnation. He came to atone for me, He came to purchase me, He came to pay my debt, He came to take the payment. No where is scripture have I found that because of loss, God owes me something more. Hasn’t He given me enough? I think for so long I have waited for the pain to be turned into dancing…which of course in my plan was with a baby…a healthy baby to be exact.
As of late my challenge is to just step foot into each day with faith knowing God is there and the plan has been written. I have no power to make a decision of what I want tomorrow to look like...if I did I can tell you it would look mightly different then it does now. I would have more healthy children in my pictures. So what am I saying or maybe what am I asking? What does our future hold? Sure wish I knew yet trusting to just live for the moment with what God has given me. To take my thoughts captive as they tend to go to fear and anxiety and praying for more joy IN CHRIST and more trust each moment of the day
Friends…I have been humbled to my core, taken down to my knees (where I should be) and as hard as it has been…I hope that my desire is to seek Gods will for me and my family every moment of the day. I really mean Gods will, not mine. Mine would be more healthy children.
Will healing come? Yes...maybe not completely on this side of eternity. Maybe a little wound/scar is good. Keeps me sober, keeps my eyes on Christ...the only comforter. I pray that I will REALLY trust God with His plan. Whether with a child or without, with Mr. Obama as our President, with possible wars or terrist threats, with economy ups and downs, finacial security or financial woes, ...Whatever it is...May I trust the God where all our help and securtiy comes form.
James 1:2-8 2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; 8he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.
I love the music by Keith and Kristin Getty....This is just another one to add to my collection. I hope you enjoy it. I pray this prayer often. Turn off the music below, and enjoy. Puts a smile on my face, I hope it does yours also.
Yes He does. I take great comfort in knowing that God is in control. He was in control when He formed the stars and the ground and the animals and MAN! He was in control when He raised kings that honored Him and when they did not. He was in control when I was born, got married, had children and... He was in control when Larson was created and born on January 22, 2008---the 35th Anniversary of Right to life day, no mistake there? Right?
He has never lost control. I truly know God already knew who would win last nigght! I am comfortable that I voted for a man who would aligned with my beliefs about life,a man that understands what it means to fight and protect our country. That man did not win. I stuck by my convictions and what God has called us to in His Word.
That being said I will be praying for our President and the leadership in this country that were elected. I will pray for the decisions they will be having to make. I will continue to pray for the protection of all the unborn children.
I continue to trust that our God reigns. My hope remains the same as it did the day I found out my son would not live on this earth, for the 17 weeks that I carried him unto his death and the day I had to say good-bye. My hope is in the only thing that will never change and will walk with me through the valleys and the peaks. That hope is in Christ. Life will continue to have its peaks and valleys, but I will continue to trust Him, obey Him and put my hope in Him and Him only. I will continue to know that He is
This blog was created in order to communicate with our family and friends about our journey of grief with our son Larson. Larson was diagnosed on October 2nd, 2007 with HPE alobar. He was born on January 22nd, 2008 and lived for a wonderful 23 hours. I created this blogt to make communicating easier and more efficent following Larsons death. It journals my emotions, hopes, fears and everything in between. Grief is difficult...unpredictable...exhausting and confusing. If you are in a similar situation feel free to email me. I know that the journey can be a bit easier when traveled with a friend who has gone through it also. May Larsons story declare the Lords faithfulness during lifes most trying and darkest times.