So we made it through Christmas...Now what?
I've heard..."the first year is the hardest"...ok so now that I made it through this holiday is it suppose to be easier next year. I will be better about not having all my family here with me?
I tried to do alot of online shopping. Maybe it was to avoid the stores. Avoid all the Christmas cheer, when I didn't feel like having it. Well it didn't work. I still had to go to the stores the last couple of day for little things. Exchanging my boys pants and shirts that arrived (of course) in the wrong size. When I get to the stores, what do I see? Baby outfits to match his brothers, baby gifts perfect for him, children and babies and pregnant people all over the place.
Yes there was a time that I was probably "one of those" woman who had it all from the outside. Who know how many passed me by with a heartache and me having my children all around. Sure I look like I have it all....from a worldly perspective. The thing is I really do... I have more then I could ask for Christ and Christ alone. But honestly..my heart is still aching for the baby who we wanted so much.
This Christmas my womb is empty and so are my arms and so is his crib. Yes...not baby here this year to ooh and aah over. To watch as his had his first Christmas. No 1st Christmas outfits or photos. No 1st smiles or laughter. No not here. Not in this house this year. Where life was last year in this house, although in my womb.....there is no trace of it except for the black and white pictures declaring that he was here. He was life on earth for 23 hours.
I am trying to stay focused...focused on the true meaning of Christmas. The baby in the manger. The Son who came to die. This and ONLY this is what is getting me through this year, this season, this trial. Even with this...my heart is hearting deeply. I am smiling because of the grace of God. I am making it through because God has walked with me. As this year comes to an end, and the year anniversary of Larsons life approaches...I am sad and missing him so much.
I do wonder what this year beholds. Will it be more healing or more sadness. I know so many can comment on what that think or hope it will look like...but nobody knows. Will we have joy? Will we have more heartache? Only my Father in heaven knows...so I pray that you continue to pray. Pray that He would continue to equip me day by day or hour by hour. I am in need for an extra dose of Grace from Him and I know He will provide.
So as this season ends...yes I have made it through the year of firsts...but I sure it was with him, rather then without. I am walking this road not because I want to, but because I was called to. I am not always excited about it, but just willing because God is so deserving. Thank you for listening throughout this year. Please don't feel like you need to say anything profound to me right now. I know that God will faithfully give me exactly the wisdom He desires. I don't need advice, I don't need to be fixed...I just need to heal in my own time...In Gods own time. Everyone does it different. Different things help heal...not all stories are the same. But they are all HIStory. Thank you for seeing HIStory unfold in my life. God Bless you all.
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