I am a SAHM with 5 children. My 5th child,Larson, lived for an amazing but short 23 hours. He is now safe in the arms of Jesus enjoying his eternal home. I also have an amazing husband who I have been married to for 10 years!! Praise the Lord.
Please be gentle with me for I am grieving. The sea I swim in is a lonely oneand the shore seems miles away. Waves of despair numb my soulas I struggle through each day. My heart is heavy with sorrow. I want to shout and screamand repeatedly ask 'why?' At times, my grief overwhelms me and I weep bitterly,so great is my loss. Please don’t turn away or tell me to move on with my life. I must embrace my pain before I can begin to heal. Companion me through tears and sit with me in loving silence. Honor where I am in my journey,not where you think I should be. Listen patiently to my story,I may need to tell it over and over again. It’s how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss. Nurture me through the weeks and months ahead. Forgive me when I seem distant and inconsolable. A small flame still burns within my heart,and shared memories may trigger both laughter and tears. I need your support and understanding.There is no right or wrong way to grieve. I must find my own path. Please, will you walk beside me?
Oh Little Larson
Little Larson Oh Little Larson You died a long time ago. Oh how we miss you. You were cute and little. But you struggled deeply. You tried to fight,But it was to hard. And now you are with the Holy One. In Heaven playing with your mates who suffered too. You are perfect now. Oh how we all long to live with you there. Oh little Larson we miss you.
Go ahead and mention my child, The one that died, you know. Don't worry about hurting me further. The depth of my pain doesn't show. Don't worry about making me cry. I'm already crying inside. Help me to heal by releasing the tears that I try to hide. I'm hurt when you just keep silent, Pretending he didn't exist. I'd rather you mention my child, Knowing that he has been missed. You asked me how I was doing. I say "pretty good" or "fine". But healing is something ongoing I feel it will take a lifetime. ~ Elizabeth Dent ~
We got back from our family vacation and wanted to share this photo. Besides having a blast as a family it was a sentimental trip for us as well. Our very good friends live there and we went to see them. We visited them in Newport beach 2 years ago. On that visit we had also announced our pregnancy. I was only 8 weeks pregnant and really had no idea what was ahead of us...although I had an instinct something was not going to be good. It was on that beach that I told my friend that I was nervous about getting a 12 week ultrasound in case something was wrong. Of course we did by pass the 12 week ultrasound, but our 20 week still changed our life!!! Well this picture is at that SAME beach at the SAME place I was. Without our son.. but still in our minds and hearts. I love this picture and being taken at the same beach he was with us at some point....VERY SENTIMENTAL!!!
As we approach Larsons D-day..diagnosis day...he is very much on our minds. Taking a break has been good for me. I have realized how much has gone on in our lives in just 2 years. I am continually amazed at the work He is doing in so many peoples lives. It is all written different then we would hope...yet it is all written perfect. No typos...no editing...no erase marks...no updated editions...no proofing...no editors approval. It is unfolding perfectly.
I am asking for prayer for a 6 year old girl who has been diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor. She has 6-9 weeks to live without radiation and if they do radiation 6-9 months. God knows the name and faces of this brave family. PLEASE pray for them. As many of you who read this blog...we have seen miracles in different ways, but I am praying for a miracle of healing. Its too much to think of another family having to say good-bye to soon. Christ asked for the His Father to "take this cup from Me"...he understands our desire for a different outcome. He asked for Gods "will to be done"....He understood Gods Sovereignty. PLEASE storm the gates friends!! For the cup to be taken or an eminence amount of GRACE to be given. My heart is breaking for them.
Well I am coming up to the 2 year mark of Larsons diagnosis. October 2nd to be exact. I am not sure if D-day (which I call it) is the diagnosis day or death day. Really both things happened that day. Larson was diagnosed and due to the severity of his condition, our dreams of having our fifth child at home died. Yes....he was still alive, but only time would tell how long.
Really we were so blessed and quite surprised to have him for 23 hours due to the issues going on! No brain...fluid in the chest and yet God gave us 23 hours.
So I thought I would write how things are...2 years out from d-day and 21 months from his birthday!
The Colorado air has been a hard reminder of the season that is changing into Fall. I really love the beautiful Falls in Colorado, but the crisp air is now an eery reminder of the season...the day....that changed us forever. Somehow it is weird how smells can trigger a reminder, an emotion of good or bad times.
Right now my family and I are enjoying a beautiful vacation in Newport Beach. this all has been interesting as just 2 years ago...right before my ultrasound appointment...we took our family to Newport Beach. It was on this beach that i confessed to my friend that I was nervous about the baby. I was only 8 weeks, but already feeling that instinct that something was going to be wrong.
So I guess it is sort of interesting that we left the cool Fall smell in Colorado that reminds me of larson...to the beautiful beaches in California that hasn't taken Larson to far from my mind either. Not that I want him to be...but sometimes its the ache that I am having. It still comes but not as often. Mostly I feel so blessed to have had Larson for the time we did.
So here I am just 2 years later and I still have my moments. Moments of heartache that I had to bury my son and not have him here. my kids would love to have him on the beach or on their first day of school.
The aches certainly come, but God continues to be faithful in my heartache. He is faithful to bring me the right verse....the right friend...the right moments. At times I think I want the ache to go away entirely and at times I want it to stay to remember my son. I certainly know that God continues to navigate me through these thoughts and struggles. Letting go of grief has continued to be a daily choice for me...sometimes a moment choice...some days are harder then other, but I'm in the fight and my desire is to let that part go.
And even at that....I have to really pray and meditate on whether I am not letting go of grief or if this is just what it will be like. A constant battle of settling into Gods plan. Only God can reveal that through His Word. I know that it can not be compared to others grief...or their story...or their thoughts. Each person does this journey different.
I wish I could tell you I am healed from my loss. I really can't. The Potter has molded me and I am getting used to the new look of the pot. He has had to stretch me more in some areas then others. He is still stretching me.
I do know that Larsons story has certainly revealed to me areas in my life that I had not struggled with before. The fruit of the Spirit is easy when you don't have anything testing them. To be gentle and kind and patience and faithful. To love and have joy and peace and self-control. Wow! Those are hard when you are trying to navigate how to just get through a moment let alone have everything else in life still going. Marriage, kids, finances, school, work, friends, family, church...
If only things would stand still as you navigate grief and when you are ready you can jump back into life. Part of the trial is facing life with an amputation and then figuring out how to use a new prosthesis! The limb is gone and you need to use the artificial one to keep going. And as time continues, the artificial one becomes easier and more of a habit! You become faster and it just starts to fit.
Well...I am sure this post may be wording and confusing. Sometimes that is just how my thoughts seem to be. I've always thought faster then I can type and talked faster then I can think! :)
So for now...I will get back to the beach and remember, this was one place we visited all together as a family of seven. Larson WAS at the beach with us! But NOW...he is worshipping God in Heaven! The beach is such a reminder of the Majesty of God and to think Larson is worshipping and praising Him face to face, really can just take my breath away. Larson is complete..Larson is safe..Larson is healed. I will see him one day. And until then...God will be faithful to persevere me and grow me and walk with me.
This blog was created in order to communicate with our family and friends about our journey of grief with our son Larson. Larson was diagnosed on October 2nd, 2007 with HPE alobar. He was born on January 22nd, 2008 and lived for a wonderful 23 hours. I created this blogt to make communicating easier and more efficent following Larsons death. It journals my emotions, hopes, fears and everything in between. Grief is difficult...unpredictable...exhausting and confusing. If you are in a similar situation feel free to email me. I know that the journey can be a bit easier when traveled with a friend who has gone through it also. May Larsons story declare the Lords faithfulness during lifes most trying and darkest times.