O'Brien Family

4 years

2012-01-22T11:29:00.000-08:00

It’s hard to believe how long it’s been since I have written on this blog. It’s even harder to believe that it has been 4 years since we said hello and good-bye to our son. Life is different. Life is good. Life is sobering. Life is real. Life is amazing with a faithful God.
I have spent some time this week reflecting on the past 4 years. It’s amazing where we are at right now. It really is. I know that when I was pregnant and reading blogs, I couldn’t imagine what 4 years would look like. I couldn’t imagine anything going forward because quite frankly at that time, life was standing still!! Would I ever feel joy again? How?
I realize now that joy is different for me. It is not joy in the things I had before. It is a scared joy in the things above.
Four years ago as we anticipated and prepared for Larson’s birth, I knew that the inevitable would happen—DEATH. I had already had 4 children. I knew what it was like to add to my family. It was easy. Sure there was a season of craziness. A period of transition as we got used to more work. I didn’t know how to have a child die. This was not normal. You get pregnant and anticipated the arrival of a spectacular event. You don’t get pregnant to plan a funeral, but that’s what we did. We had been planning a funeral for 17 weeks.
We made a decision when we received Larson’s diagnosis to watch his life unfold according to what God had desired. He arrived with an incredible smile and a miraculous cry! That cry was like no other. He had fluid in his lungs! It was a gift for sure! God gave us 23 amazingly sacred and beautiful hours of life. It’s not what I wanted. It’s not what we had hoped for. We wanted more. We wanted years!
The first couple of years where the hardest for me. Yes! 2 years was rough. Not what I expected. At times unbearable. I wrestled with God. He listened. I asked God questions. He answered. Not always how I had hoped or prayed for but he did answer. I went through dark times. God was there. A year after Larson died, I had incredible back and leg pain. I wondered why this? Eventually I had back surgery and then spent time recovering from surgery. The path I continued down was nothing I had imagined. I wanted my son. I wanted more children. That was not a part of our families story, but God has been faithful. Yes, He is Good!!
I have come to see the beauty of God’s faithfulness. It's not always been easy but it is being created by the Creator Himself. There has been darkness and depression. There has been laughter and tears. There has been pain and suffering. There has been smiles and anger. There is the good, the bad and ugly. There still is! But I am no longer stuck in the darkness. There truly is beauty from ashes. Not the beauty that the world looks for. My son is still gone. There will always be incompleteness in our family. But beauty isn’t there. Beauty is in hope. Beauty is in mercy. Beauty is joy in the LORD. Beauty is in a unchanging God. Beauty is in Jesus.
I still think of Larson daily. I smile as I consider his little body and every detail about it. I like that I can still imagine all of it. I don’t want to forget anything about him. When I think of Larson, it is no longer painful. It is not filled with the gut-wrenching grief and sadness. I don’t fill like I’m in the slough of despond and will not make it out. I am no longer in a pit. I am so very grateful for what God has given to me. Yes! Grateful for each one of my children and my husband and everything that is wrapped up in it. It’s not always easy, but the dance between joy and grief is beautiful. It’s beautiful because God is here! I don’t hope for perfection. I am satisfied with imperfect.
Last week, I was caught off guard by my attitude. After sailing through the seasons and feeling quite settled, suddenly I felt a stir in my heart. A darkness. I was anticipating Larson’s birthday. I’m not going to lie. His birthday is hard. The day to day of life is now normal, but there is nothing normal about celebrating a birthday without the birthday boy. How do you celebrate? We have done something with our kids each year and I am so grateful we have. We take the time to pause. To celebrate life. To celebrate another day of life. To thank God for getting us through the good and bad. We celebrate the incredible gift in a son, brother, nephew and grandson who impacted many! We celebrate Jesus who has allowed us the hope to see our son again.
After trying to fight my emotions, I decided to give in. To which his video and let the tears fall. He is worth the tears and heartache as much as he is worth the laughter and joy. Because in this place of grief (even 4 years out!) is also an amazing God. A God who was with us at Larson’s diagnosis, during the 17 weeks that we carried him, in the delivery room as we greeted him, in the hospital room as we enjoyed our time and God was there when we had to say good-bye and let Larson go. Yes, 4 days later I am still in this dance. And I am still dancing!!! Sometimes it’s graceful and smooth and other times I fall. But my partner is amazing. I don’t stay down for long because I have practiced this dance for a while now. It’s not uncomfortable anymore when I am clumsy, and I am ok with falling, because the fall is as beautiful as when I get up. Somehow in the fall the worship is sweeter and my gratitude deeper.
Thank you to all the many friends who continue to think about Larson. It always warms a parent’s heart to hear about their children and Larson is no different. We have some incredible friends who have walked by our side all this time and we have made many more. Until next time…

I blinked and....

2010-08-15T13:35:00.001-07:00

My kids are WAY to big!!

We have just a week left before my kiddos go back to school and mentally it has been hard for me to fathom. My youngest is going this year, so after 10 years of having kids at home...I will be adjusting to something new! I will probably be at the school EVERYDAY like a stalker mom! Well maybe not, but I do substitute at their school and hopefully I will be doing that more.

This summer has gone by so fast but I've enjoyed every minute of it.

My back continues to be good, although after our trip to the beach and LOTS of sitting I have had some achiness so back to PT for me and I'm on some strong anti-inflammation drugs. I think its working this far. One thing I have to do less of is sitting and hence one of the reasons I don't update by blog quite as often. Maybe its also because I stand up while I'm typing :) It's not so comfortable.

So for now...I will continue to enjoy my kiddos...life without chronic pain...and every moment before I blink again and they are 4 years older! Man does time go WAY to fast. If I could only slow down time. It just seems to be picking up pace.

This song could not have said it better...(Remember to turn off my music..:-)

Thoughts

2010-06-14T20:16:00.000-07:00

I have lots of thoughts...usually great posts (in my head) at night when it is time to go to bed. Right now i'm not sure what to write other then I have MANY blog posts! They are just in my head right now. When I have time..I hope to sit and write more. Some of them are on life...some on Larson...some on my faith...some on life's journey! But for now... I am enjoying my children, the sun and summer, being able to be active again and living without back pain!

Worthy...You are Worthy

2010-05-18T18:58:00.000-07:00

Gods marvelous Word is such a gift. While that is what we need daily for our nourishment, I have also found music has been an incredible preacher to my soul! The Lord has used it often to encourage me and to Praise Him. I can be found blaring it in my house or in my car...with the sunroof open! Much to my daughters dismay as we are pulling up in the carpool line! I certainly don't try to embarrass her! :) This song is amazing by Matt Redman. Through whatever circumstance we are in...He is so worthy to be praised. Forever and a Day! Praise God for giving individuals the talent to sing songs that praise His name and are faithful to do so. To God be the Glory!!! I hope you enjoy this song and may it bless you as it has me. Be sure to turn off the music on my page at the bottom

Healing has begun

2010-04-17T08:21:00.000-07:00

Well...I've realized its been more then a month since I've posted and thought I would do a quick update for those who may wonder :) and for those who have faithfully prayed.

I'm feeling really well. PRAISE GOD!! I can't tell you that I had expectations before going into the surgery. I didn't have complete hope of the surgery even working. I tried so many things over the course of the last 14 months that I felt would work. Each "therapy" or treatment I tried, I faithfully prayed about and talked with my husband about before moving forward. And each treatment failed. Acupuncture, Chiropractic care, physical therapy, cortisone shots and decompression therapy. After all this, my pre surgery MRI was the same as it was when I originally did one 10 months before!! Yikes!!

I have realized over the course of the last couple years that God can use Eastern Medicine, Western Medicine or NO medicine to heal or not to heal me. OK..maybe I'm a slow learner or slow trust er, who knows! But I knew this pain could have become my thorn. As much as I didn't want that, I knew God was the creator of my story and that only HE has the answer. I didn't google before the surgery and I decided to go in with blind faith...I'll deal with whatever it is afterward!!

Well I can say for now...almost 4 1/2 weeks after surgery...that my pain in my legs is gone and I am healing well from the surgery itself. I had some surgery pain for sure. It was a little hairy the first couple weeks. I am still limited to no bending, twisting and lifting only 15 pounds or less. No housecleaning or laundry for now! Bummer I know :) So for know, I am resting in this "new" life of not walking around in constant physical pain. It really changed me and my life for the last year. Less patience and LOTS of emotion. I have realized now...JUST HOW MUCH PAIN I WAS IN! Amazing how your body adapts to a certain extent to your circumstances. My body was tense and I just learned to deal (sort of! ) with it.

I do have compassion on those who are living with a debilitating condition. You can look great and pulled together on the outside, but be falling apart on the inside. I've tried my hardest this last year to keep it together, but often I just wanted to cry all the time. Simply tasks were so difficult. I couldn't do anything without pain. Yep..it was with me ALL the time.

After 14 months of chronic pain, my body is learning how to relax again. It was always in protect mode. Really I'm trying to figure out how to do things again. I was so used to having things be so much work that I'm getting used to not having to. I really find myself with more time on my hand then before, because it doesn't take me as long to do things. Grocery shopping, cooking..etc. was hard.

This last few years have been difficult. I won't lie..I had hoped things looked different. After losing Larson, my heart has ached for him. I ached for my children to have another sibling. Not as a replacement but for them to be able to experience new life! To also tangibly see God give. They already saw Him take away. But my Father in Heaven has had other plans for me and my family. While it may not be the desires of my own heart, I have continued to be at His feet praying that He would give me the desires of HIS heart. This has defiantly been a long season of prayer and questions. But as always...my Father has been there.

God has written my story perfectly...yet differently then I had hoped. So my prayer has continued to be that I would rest knowing that He does not make mistakes. While I wanted a different gift...He has found the pain He has given to me to be the most perfect gift of all. This season has caused me to... long more for a relationship with my Saviour, pray more often and ask for direction and answers, being more comfortable with others who are hurting, enjoy the children I have with me, and also more of a longing for eternity and the return of Jesus. And although I feel all these things, I know...I have MUCH more to learn. Yikes!

God is so good.

I really am SO GRATEFUL that God would allow this surgery to be successful up to this point. I am also well aware that this may not stay this way but for now I am trying to rest in this and enjoy my life the way the Lord would have me too. And to be content in all He has for me.

Thank you all for your prayers.

A

Trusting in spite of pain...

2010-03-18T19:57:00.000-07:00

Well its been awhile since I have posted. Its been pretty busy around here with not a lot of extra time. Four weeks ago I cut my finger and ended up in surgery because I cut the nerve and tendon in my ringer finger. Its healing well and since I cut the nerve...I have no pain. That's a positive I think.. maybe???. So I have been managing on one hand AND a bad back. Wow does it put things in perspective. Just the desire to not be in pain and to talk a walk.

I know this is simply where the Lord has me at this time and while I often wish it looked differently, I pray for contentment in my present situation. I pray daily for an extra dose of patience as chronic pain does not help in the patience department. It really been a challenge to get much done.

This isn't a post to ask for sympathy, but some prayer. I've mentioned before about my back issues and after over a year of doctors visits and a desire to "escape" surgery, I finally have exhausted all my options with no change in symptoms.

Yep..that's right. After this much time and money spent...my MRI looks THE SAME!!! So with that being said...I would love your prayer on March 23rd as I am going in for back surgery. The doctor will be shaving two of my discs that are bulging into a nerve which is causing the constant pain in my back and legs. The hope is that this will relieve the pain and possibly allow my body to absorb the discs to where they need to be. Having a bulging disc is not a problem...its where they they bulging and the doctor said mine just "happened" to go that direction and on the nerve!

I am praying the the Lord would be the surgeons hands and that the surgery would be successful and with no complications. I would also ask for prayer that the recovery would be quick with no set backs. Also, that my pain would be minimal and my anxiety low!!!! Mostly I pray that I will continue to trust Him in His promises and that whatever He chooses that He will sustain me...because I'm a little worn out. Pain is a difficult thing and the last couple years have been full of both emotional and physical pain. My hope is for relief...

I so appreciate your prayers!

Psalm 40

1 I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.

2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.

3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.

4 Blessed is the man
who makes the LORD his trust,
who does not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods.

5 Many, O LORD my God,
are the wonders you have done.
The things you planned for us
no one can recount to you;
were I to speak and tell of them,
they would be too many to declare.

6 Sacrifice and offering you did not desire,
but my ears you have pierced,
burnt offerings and sin offerings
you did not require.

7 Then I said, "Here I am, I have come—
it is written about me in the scroll.

8 I desire to do your will, O my God;
your law is within my heart."

9 I proclaim righteousness in the great assembly;
I do not seal my lips,
as you know, O LORD.

10 I do not hide your righteousness in my heart;
I speak of your faithfulness and salvation.
I do not conceal your love and your truth
from the great assembly.

11 Do not withhold your mercy from me, O LORD;
may your love and your truth always protect me.

12 For troubles without number surround me;
my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
They are more than the hairs of my head,
and my heart fails within me.

13 Be pleased, O LORD, to save me;
O LORD, come quickly to help me.

14 May all who seek to take my life
be put to shame and confusion;
may all who desire my ruin
be turned back in disgrace.

15 May those who say to me, "Aha! Aha!"
be appalled at their own shame.

16 But may all who seek you
rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who love your salvation always say,
"The LORD be exalted!"

17 Yet I am poor and needy;
may the Lord think of me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
O my God, do not delay.

Timing??

2010-02-18T15:44:00.000-08:00

As time has gone on and I have learned to negotiate this journey a little better, there always seems to be more questions and new territories.

I've always wondered when, if, how, with who and where I should mention our son Larson. Now two years later...I find that time makes this even harder. While I will NEVER forget Larsons life, its details and struggles, I know we must all move on. I am much more at peace when people don't mention his name. I don't expect it for sure. But as I encounter new situations....I often find myself having opportunities to share, or do I just want to?

Afterwards I find myself questioning...Should I have shared about him? Did people feel uncomfortable? Should I not say anything at all? I wonder if people wonder why I am still talking about it? Was that an appropriate time? Hope they aren't afraid of me!! :)

While in my heart I know Larsons very short life has been more meaningful then I could ever express I'm not sure others want to hear about him as much as I want to talk about him. He has changed me in so many ways. I look at life differently. I look at my children differently.

Currently I am in a parenting study. The book..Raising Responsive Children..has been incredible. VERY thought provoking as I consider how to raise my children unto the Lord but as unique beings created by God. Each chapter has many questions and encourages us to consider MANY things that go into raising our children. I can't help but think of him as a dynamic in our family and yet he is rejoicing in a far better place.

I never want Larson to be a crutch as to way we may be doing things a certain way...but his story has affected our whole family in some way or another. Each child has processed it differenty and things have manifested from it. I find them navigating life in a whole new way. Fears they never had. Questions we never addresses before.

While the wound is not gaping...the scar remains. But I constantly question....Should the scar remained covered so no ones sees and gets uncomfortable, and if not...when, why, what, where and with whom do I share.

I wish this part would get easier. Navigating social situations and conversations without feeling like you say too much or wish you had said more....praying for wisdom, direction, peace and strength. May God use our story and may I be a faithful vessel.

May I walk in the path that God intends and may I not listen to the enemies lies. Larson was life...He was compatible...He was given as a gift...He is not something to hide...He was and is being used by a faithful God

2010-02-15T15:17:00.000-08:00

I find myself at a loss for word of late. Maybe a loss of thoughts. I've never been who doesn't have much to say.... My husband and close friends know that!

The past few months have been a time of reflection. October to January has done that to me the last couple years. I find these months full of intense memories. I try to not focus to much on them. I have four other children to focus on too! Which is a good thing. This year I have been more focused on what I do have...5 children...then what I don't or what I want but don't get. It doesn't take long for me to get on the wrong path and an even shorter time until it takes me down to despair and depression. Praise god for His strength and direction. Without Him...I would have no hope.

Larsons birthday was a great day. I went with a dear friend and our children to paint pottery. I thought it would be a food tangible reminder of our brave son/ brother. My husband and our dear friends husband played 23 holes of golf for Larsons 23 hours. They did this last year too! This year God gave a wink.... At the end of hole 22, my husband found a golf ball with an L on it. Yep! Coincidence? Maybe! I say a gift!

It was. Good day of celebrating his short but impact full life! The 23rd felt like a horrible dream. As I explained to my friend.... His birth is easy to celebrate. His death is hard to swallow. His life came with much joy and grief.

I am thankful to enter February. It seems fresh and new. While I feel this I cant forget the women I have met who find this month cruel or the other dates and months that are good for me, but hard for them. It never crossed my mind before. I had no reason for it. But yes... I know that while I am grieving, other are celebrating. Whether new life or one of their other children. And while I celebrate my children during certain seasons or months... others are navigating their grief. Ecclesiastes comes to mind!

Not everyone is on the same page. The only comfort I can get is God is in it all and He knows all our joys and griefs. Our celebrations and discouragements. Our hopes and desires. He is there. AND He cares! Others pass us by. Some forget. Some want us to move on too! But God is right where we need to be. Holding our hand and wiping our tears. Rejoicing in the beauty and weeping in the pain.

So I guess the last few months have been full of if all. It's been an easier year to swallow my reality or maybe I have just gotten used to it!. I've learned how to walk this road. What was once scary, and often debilitating has now become part of me. I've learned to walk this grief path in my own way with a faithful God. I know He will never leave me or forsake me!

As far as an update on my back---I am scheduling surgery soon. The bulging disc is pressing on my nerve and after almost a year of seeking relief...nothing has worked. I would covet your prayers as I walk this path. Also...yes a medical nightmare here!... I dropped a bowl and cut my finger! It hit a tendon and know need to go to a hand doctor. Please pray for healing and NO surgery there! Ugh! Certainly wish there were other things to report here! But trying to stay focused on the road God has set for me! He knows best!

Celebrating Life!

2010-01-20T06:08:00.000-08:00

On October 2nd our son Larson Shawn O'Brien was given an "incompatable
with life diagnosis" at his 20 week of life visit.

We carried his life for 17 more weeks.

On January 22,2008 we welcomed Larson into this world with the most
beautiful cry...

We enjoyed 23 hours of life.

On January 23rd we held him as he peacefully passed into his eternal
home with his Heavenly Father.

On Jan 22, 2010, Larsons Birth Day and providentally Right to life day, we will again celebrate his life and what his birth was for us. God created a boy not for world...but to impact it in other ways. Please join me in rejoicing in what God did and continues to do during his short but meaningful life.

Time makes the wound more bearable...but the wound is still there. Although thankful for this one!!!

I'll share more of my thoughts our day later. I've had a hard
time processing my emotions and thoughts lately. Maybe I've been to
busy or purposly kept myself busy and part of me is emotional that its been 2 years since I held him!!!

Season Thoughts

2009-12-25T14:40:00.001-08:00

An updated picture....I cherish the smiles on our faces. I do not take for granted the life of my children still here.....

I have found myself with LOTS of thoughts...but few words. Sometimes I find myself analyzing...sometimes reviewing..sometimes critiqueing life...and mainly life that last few years. Mostly I find myself reflecting. They are..and will be...life changing years. Years marked with heartache, but also with hope and faith. They have really been years that have shaped me more then the 34 years before. This may really sound dramatic...but really they are.

As we all go through physical growth spirts and pains...God will put us through spiritual growth spirts and pains. While I believe these past few years have been some of my most painful...I know that God has grown me. Even then...I know I have much more to know about God and learn about Him. I always say that I am careful what I pray for, but painful as these few years have been...Im not sure I would change them.

I got the privledge of carrying, meeting and loving a piece of Heaven. While also getting to know my Lord and Saviour more. I felt His love...His presence..His peace..His hope. And still I only got a bit more.

I can't say I miss Larson any less. I can't say I am over the pain of my loss. I can say that as time continues, I have just learned to live more with his absense. It has now become more a part of my life. I try to shake the painful thoughts off less and ride the wave more. Some of those painful thoughts and memories are also some of the best. Lots of oxymorons!

As I put his ornament on the tree this year...less tears feel, and more smiles arose. How can I not smile? He has changed my family in some incredible ways. We appreciate life and heart beats more. We appreciate health and laughter and for sure have a passion for the sanctiy of life. We realize each day is a gift that God has given to us.

We think of Larson worshipping His Saviour...but in Heaven! Wow! That is an amazing imaage and one I think of often. Everyday is Christmas and Easter in Heaven. For our Saviour has been born...He is risen...He is alive...And Larson is with Him

As much as I have wanted more time with Larson..I would not choose to have him here. He truly is in the best place he can be and without a doubt I know one day I will be with him too!

I remember 2 years ago while still pregnant with Larson. I knew he would not be with us so most of my thoughts were imaging Larsons life in Heaven. Those thoughts remain. Know I just have more of a mental image of a precious boy at the feet of Jesus.

As we read the Christmas story...I get so teary.... For God gave His Son TO DIE for us. While my son did not die for others, his life is such a reminder to me of my Saviour who DID COME TO SAVE. We knew at 20 weeks, that Larson was here for a short while. He was created to die. Why? I don't ask this as much. I know God knows and that is enough. My son came to die....but not for sinners. Larsons life was full of love and his death was no less. He died peacefully and know resides in a peaceful place forever.

Christ came to die. He came from a peaceful place to a place that was full of sin. He lived a PERFECT life with NO sin...yet God still had him come to die for sinners like me. It sure is an amazing thought. I can't fully understand this miracle...yet by faith I accept it. I worship God today, Christmas, and every day, for the birth of His Son. That He came to save. So someday we will have eternal life with Jesus.

My heart is in 2 places now. I so enjoy the blessings of my life with the children gave me to raise here. Although I imagine often the life my other son is living now also. My life will always have a piece missing....I know God understand...

With that...Merry Christmas, a little late. May we worship our Saviour throughout the year....

Our God is in control

2009-12-05T09:09:00.001-08:00

Seeing Gods Hand.....

2009-11-27T09:10:00.000-08:00

Not long after having Larson I received this poem from a Godly women who is about 60 years old...her mother had lost 4 babies...here it is....

The Weaver

My life is but a weaving
Between my Lord and me,
I cannot choose the colors
He worketh steadily.

Ofttimes He weaveth sorrow,
And I in foolish pride
Forget He sees the upper
And I, the underside.

Not 'til the loom is silent,
And the shuttles cease to fly,
Shall God unroll the Canvas
And explain the reason why.

The dark threads are as needful
In the weavers skillful hand,
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned.

So here is my story that I feel the Lord has blessed me to see some of the weaving...Bear with me, it may be long. I hope I can explain it well. It is one of hope!

About 12 years ago I was teaching 2nd grade. During this time one of my students came into class with a picture he was sooo proud of. This was no ordinary picture. It was a picture of his sweet baby sister Cassidy. Cassidy was born with spina bifida. Was born early and many surgeries ahead of her. Her parents were given a grim picture, and much to my young ignorance or lack of life experience I really had NO idea what they were venturing into....

Fast forward 10 years later....In October of 2007 we found out about Larson. My ignorance changed. Life had taken a major turn. Now it was my baby with a fatal diagnosis. Not someone elses story anymore. Now I was living a life far different then I had expected. Like many moms with this...or maybe not...I started researching. I came across the website...www.benotafraid.net. It has stories of all different diagnoses. In my obsession...I hate to admit I read MANY of them. I came across one in pitucular. It seemed so familiar. It was! It was the story of baby Cassidy. Thats right..It was the story of the little girl ten years before. I though of her mom...how I had NO idea back then her pain could be so intense...her questions...her thoughts. And know...I could relate more. Not completely...but more!!
Here is Cassidy's story...www.benotafraid.net/story.asp?id=11

Cassidy was being used in my life....and yet, the story continues....!

A year after Larson passed away I had the opportunity to share his story with a bible study here in town. I was nervous but thankful to be used how God wanted me to! And who was there...Yep! Cassidys mommy. I hadn't seen her in 11 years. She cried with me and suddenly this mom was someone who I could connect with in a mighty way....this was God.

Ok...but that's not it! Fast forward one more year. I reieve a call form my aunt. Her daughters baby...Evan...had been diagnosed with Spina Bifida. I immediately thought of Cassidys mommy but had NO way of getting a hold of her.

The next week...I kid you not!...I ran into her at park. I have gone to this park with my kids MANY times and NEVER ran into her. The last time I had seen her was at the bible study and before that about 7 years before when she showed up at my church for a visit. She never came back...she was attending another church in town. And before that, I had seen her around the time Cassidy was born...

So back to the park.

I ran into her at the park...Cassidy was with her and I approached her and told her about my cousins baby. So the two of them have been connected ever since.

Ok...so this is a long story, but really its amazing to think that 12 years ago Cassidy's mom had NO idea how she would be used. I hope that she is so encouraged to see that Cassidy is being used 12 years later through a teacher that her son had. 12 years is a long time. I certeinly want to see what my son has done quicker. Now I know Cassidy has been used more then this, but I feel God has shown me that He is faithful...Things do work out for good. This story makes me amazed and THANKFUL.

While still sometimes feeling like Im in a valley...feeling like there is nothing new in my life. That there are things I have hoped for and desired...things that God has not desired to give. I find myself still missing Larson and dealing with chronic back pain. I sometimes wonder what is next. I am reminded by this story that God knows. What happens next in my life may not be what I hope for or maybe think I deserve...want...or expect! But I can trust that The Weaver is painting a PERFECT picture that I will be blessed to discover someday. Maybe not until eternity...but His hand will not stop and the painting will not be half done....

What often doesn't seem perfect...is!

And now...Id like to show you a picture of sweet baby Evan. The one you have prayed for...a little guy that has only begun to change lives....

Heaven is a Place

2009-11-07T09:37:00.000-08:00

Great song...great words...by a very talented singer whose walking the journey of grief. Praise God that Steven Curtis Chapman is using the gift he was given to minister to so many....grieving parents...orphans...and more!

Evans out of Surgery!

2009-10-30T20:42:00.000-07:00

Another Evan update...surgery seemed to go well. The doctors seem to think that his hips may be dislocated. So please pray for wisdom and direction for the doctors. Evan already has casts up to his thighs for his feet. The little guy has had more done to him in the last 2 weeks then I could imagine. More obstacles he has overcome, but there seems to be some more things to figure out. My cousin Lisa has been so brave but as you can imagine it is exhausting. Please pray for her, her husband Jeff, her daughter Lauren and her mom Barb (my aunt) as they continue on this journey. There are some things that are unknown, and maneuvering through them can feel daunting.

Evan Update!!

2009-10-30T08:27:00.000-07:00

Wish I had pics of this cute little boy....and he is cute! Today Evan is going in for a shut surgery. Fluid has begun to build up in his body and some in his head. Praise God for doctors and nurses who are on top of things. Please pray for Evans surgery...that is would be quick and successful and that he may begin to move his lower body! He has already had casts put on his legs for club feet and he had one surgery already right after birth. He has been such a fighter. Born at 4 lbs 6 oz and now up to 5lbs. Thanks for your prayers for this little guy....I know his story has just begun.

He is Enough!!

2009-10-27T12:39:00.001-07:00

I have to say...I can't wait for November. For some reason...October seems to still be a hard month. It was the month I miscarried in 2006 and it was the month we had to mentally bury our dreams with Larson in 2007. It has been better then the last, but I find myself trying hard to find joy.

Ok...so I am not trying to make this post a downer and by no means am I seeking sympathy, empathy or pity. I just feel like sharing whats been going on.

Back in 2007 when we lost Larson I thought I could never do this again...Don't worry we aren't! Now its not that I don't want to now. I have the desire for a baby more then I thought I could. Yet it seems God has completely closed the doors on this. My back problems continue to get worse and instead of hoping for the possibility for another child...I am trying to find relief from chronic pain from my back. The pain is constant and goes from my lower back...down to my calves. Its all day long and often from sitting, standing, sleeping and everyday activities. I am praying for the Lord to take my longing away...and to turn my disappointment into thankfulness and gratitude. I know He will....eventually! :)

I am not looking for a means of healing...trust me, I have tried MANY things in the last 10 months and all the "experts" now how to fix me. Problem is they haven't!!! I have tried both Eastern and Western medicine and I can tell you that neither has helped too much. I am currently trying another therapy and IF it works, I'll let you all know what it is...for those back pain suffers!! :) God has been gracious to point me in different directions and I have an incredibly patient and supportive husband. Although nothing has worked, I know that God has still allowed some options. Or....he may make this my thorn...lets hope not! Im too young..I THINK! :)

Honestly...I am not complaining about this, just perplexed! How could I have been going from wanting to have another child...to having him die...to not having that even as an option anymore. No...nothing has been done permanently and I know God can do ANYTHING, but right now it would seem to be very irresponsible of us to try to have another baby when I can hardly manage my children physically right now. My kids have been through alot as well, but they are awesome and VERY helpful.

So spiritually this has really taken me down a different path. Many questions and LOTS of prayers! As I see others share about their new joy and restoration through another child...I wonder if I will ever fully regain the joy I had. Will I see the healing that God has given them? Will I always long for a baby or will God take that away? Don't get me wrong...I am so happy to see so many babies enter this world without complications. I know..or can only imagine...that they don't fully fill the void of the loss of the sibling that preceded them. Nor do I think any of these parents are doing it for that reason. I do know that I won't have the opportunity to feel what it COULD be like. I must leave that to mystery and continue down the path that God has chosen for me and my family.

I do rejoice in the miracles of what God has chosen in the life of others. There have been some pretty darn cute babies born this last year! I don't find myself bitter. I truly am happy to see so much joy in the lives of so many who have had to endure so much pain. These are a stories to be told and cherished. And of course each one of them comes with its own challenges, dreams lost and hopes gained. Honestly though..I can't write their feelings or thoughts here. I can't explain what it looks like with new life...I can only say where I am at.

So I'm not just writing this for myself. I am writing it for anybody else who may be in this same state. It may not be just from the loss of a child in the hope of having another one. You may have a broken marriage and wonder if it will ever by restored. You may be single and wonder if God would allow you to ever have a husband. You may struggle with infertility and wonder if you will ever be a mother. You may have been hurt by a friend and wonder if you won't feel so lonely. You may be having financial issues and wonder if you will see food on your table today..or have your house tomorrow. You may have lost a loved one that will not be here to share in your earthly joys. All the uncertainties of life. Dreams dashed...feeling challenged. Feeling defeated!

This world is filled with hurts, pains and disappointment for so many. The loss of a dream, hopes or the future we thought would look differently. We may wonder if it will always feel painful or if we will have the chance to see something joyful again....

And so I ask myself daily...What if I never see what I want things to look life? What if God never provides me another tangible joy (at least my definition of joy)? What if my back remains so painful? What if things seem so dark?

And then I go to scripture....Is God enough? Is His Son enough? That Christ died for me...is that enough? Do I deserve anything more? Do I NEED anything more?

Confidently I can say Christ is enough. It will not always take away my questions, thougths or sadness....but it will ALWAYS complete me. He is enough. He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds (Psalm 147:3)...He will NEVER leave me or FORSAKE me (Genesis 28:15)...He bestows a crown of beauty instead of ashes(Isa 61:3)..He turns my mourning into dancing (Jer 31:13)....He promises to complete the work He has started in me (Phil 1:6)...he weeps with us...rejoices with us..walks with us. He is Father...He is Friend.

In Christ there is no "what if's".... He never changes! He is ALWAYS there...through the ups and downs. The heartaches and heartbreaks. Through the questioning and misunderstandings. He is always your friend. HE WON'T change. HE WILL ALWAYS BRING ME THE JOY THAT THIS WORLD CAN NOT. He has defeated the One who has caused so much pain to enter into our lives. His name is satan...he is real..but he is NOT in control.

My dear friend...if you are reading this and wonder why life has a way of seeming to beat you up...turn to the only One who will Always be there for you. It is not your husband, or children, or friends...they are all sinners just like you and me. Our stories will all look different, but we can trust that they are what God wants for us. Accepting our life the way it is...is one of the battles!!

Turn to Jesus Christ...our Saviour AND our friend. Really quite amazing to me. He was called to die for us and take OUR sin and yet He will still be our friend. Flee to Him....read His word...pray to Him to reveal Himself to you and comfort you...He will. Through the heartache and pain, He has never left my side. Although it feels that way at times... I know He hasn't. Press on towards the prize...Eternity with our wonderful Saviour. Where there will be no more tears, questions, pains, disappointments or heartaches.

If you need prayer...I am up at night lots with pain and I know that the Lord uses this to pray for others! Please share your prayers...I would be honored to pray for you. You can do it anonymously or email me. My friends...we are all in this together no matter your hopes, fears, dreams, joys or heartaches.

Evan Update

2009-10-10T14:03:00.001-07:00

Thanks all for praying....Evan has had his surgery to fix the opening in his back. It went well and he is still breathing on his own. Keep up the prayers. At 34 weeks he is a premie and with surgeries ahead of him.

Prayers for Evan Samuel

2009-10-09T17:56:00.000-07:00

Hello all my prayer friends!!

My cousin had her baby today and I am asking for prayer. Evan was born at 34 weeks. My cousin had severe preclamsia. Aside from that Evan was born with Spina Bifida and club feet. There is no chromosomal issues so praise God. But it is still a scary time. My cousin has been brave and strong but we know we can use strength that only comes from the Lord. Please be praying for Evan. I believe his surgery on his spine will be on Sunday. Ill keep you posted. As of know he is breathing on his own, angry and ADORABLE!

Revisiting

2009-09-26T14:40:00.001-07:00

We got back from our family vacation and wanted to share this photo. Besides having a blast as a family it was a sentimental trip for us as well. Our very good friends live there and we went to see them. We visited them in Newport beach 2 years ago. On that visit we had also announced our pregnancy. I was only 8 weeks pregnant and really had no idea what was ahead of us...although I had an instinct something was not going to be good. It was on that beach that I told my friend that I was nervous about getting a 12 week ultrasound in case something was wrong. Of course we did by pass the 12 week ultrasound, but our 20 week still changed our life!!! Well this picture is at that SAME beach at the SAME place I was. Without our son.. but still in our minds and hearts. I love this picture and being taken at the same beach he was with us at some point....VERY SENTIMENTAL!!!

As we approach Larsons D-day..diagnosis day...he is very much on our minds. Taking a break has been good for me. I have realized how much has gone on in our lives in just 2 years. I am continually amazed at the work He is doing in so many peoples lives. It is all written different then we would hope...yet it is all written perfect. No typos...no editing...no erase marks...no updated editions...no proofing...no editors approval. It is unfolding perfectly.

Please Pray!!

2009-09-25T16:43:00.000-07:00

I am asking for prayer for a 6 year old girl who has been diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor. She has 6-9 weeks to live without radiation and if they do radiation 6-9 months. God knows the name and faces of this brave family. PLEASE pray for them. As many of you who read this blog...we have seen miracles in different ways, but I am praying for a miracle of healing. Its too much to think of another family having to say good-bye to soon. Christ asked for the His Father to "take this cup from Me"...he understands our desire for a different outcome. He asked for Gods "will to be done"....He understood Gods Sovereignty. PLEASE storm the gates friends!! For the cup to be taken or an eminence amount of GRACE to be given. My heart is breaking for them.

Another year approaching

2009-09-10T07:44:00.000-07:00

Well I am coming up to the 2 year mark of Larsons diagnosis. October 2nd to be exact. I am not sure if D-day (which I call it) is the diagnosis day or death day. Really both things happened that day. Larson was diagnosed and due to the severity of his condition, our dreams of having our fifth child at home died. Yes....he was still alive, but only time would tell how long.

Really we were so blessed and quite surprised to have him for 23 hours due to the issues going on! No brain...fluid in the chest and yet God gave us 23 hours.

So I thought I would write how things are...2 years out from d-day and 21 months from his birthday!

The Colorado air has been a hard reminder of the season that is changing into Fall. I really love the beautiful Falls in Colorado, but the crisp air is now an eery reminder of the season...the day....that changed us forever. Somehow it is weird how smells can trigger a reminder, an emotion of good or bad times.

Right now my family and I are enjoying a beautiful vacation in Newport Beach. this all has been interesting as just 2 years ago...right before my ultrasound appointment...we took our family to Newport Beach. It was on this beach that i confessed to my friend that I was nervous about the baby. I was only 8 weeks, but already feeling that instinct that something was going to be wrong.

So I guess it is sort of interesting that we left the cool Fall smell in Colorado that reminds me of larson...to the beautiful beaches in California that hasn't taken Larson to far from my mind either. Not that I want him to be...but sometimes its the ache that I am having. It still comes but not as often. Mostly I feel so blessed to have had Larson for the time we did.

So here I am just 2 years later and I still have my moments. Moments of heartache that I had to bury my son and not have him here. my kids would love to have him on the beach or on their first day of school.

The aches certainly come, but God continues to be faithful in my heartache. He is faithful to bring me the right verse....the right friend...the right moments. At times I think I want the ache to go away entirely and at times I want it to stay to remember my son. I certainly know that God continues to navigate me through these thoughts and struggles. Letting go of grief has continued to be a daily choice for me...sometimes a moment choice...some days are harder then other, but I'm in the fight and my desire is to let that part go.

And even at that....I have to really pray and meditate on whether I am not letting go of grief or if this is just what it will be like. A constant battle of settling into Gods plan. Only God can reveal that through His Word. I know that it can not be compared to others grief...or their story...or their thoughts. Each person does this journey different.

I wish I could tell you I am healed from my loss. I really can't. The Potter has molded me and I am getting used to the new look of the pot. He has had to stretch me more in some areas then others. He is still stretching me.

I do know that Larsons story has certainly revealed to me areas in my life that I had not struggled with before. The fruit of the Spirit is easy when you don't have anything testing them. To be gentle and kind and patience and faithful. To love and have joy and peace and self-control. Wow! Those are hard when you are trying to navigate how to just get through a moment let alone have everything else in life still going. Marriage, kids, finances, school, work, friends, family, church...

If only things would stand still as you navigate grief and when you are ready you can jump back into life. Part of the trial is facing life with an amputation and then figuring out how to use a new prosthesis! The limb is gone and you need to use the artificial one to keep going. And as time continues, the artificial one becomes easier and more of a habit! You become faster and it just starts to fit.

Well...I am sure this post may be wording and confusing. Sometimes that is just how my thoughts seem to be. I've always thought faster then I can type and talked faster then I can think! :)

So for now...I will get back to the beach and remember, this was one place we visited all together as a family of seven. Larson WAS at the beach with us! But NOW...he is worshipping God in Heaven! The beach is such a reminder of the Majesty of God and to think Larson is worshipping and praising Him face to face, really can just take my breath away. Larson is complete..Larson is safe..Larson is healed. I will see him one day. And until then...God will be faithful to persevere me and grow me and walk with me.

Mission Trip to Ukraine

2009-08-20T06:51:00.000-07:00

My dear friend Aimee and her friend Jamie are going on a mission trip to an orphanage to the Ukraine. I have been so blessed myself by the things God has done in this family's' life....I look forward to following this part. Please pray for their mission and all involved. The following is the link to her travel blog. To God be the Glory!
http://www.fortheirjoy.blogspot.com/

The Garage Sale!! and a new blog-

2009-08-17T09:05:00.000-07:00

We'll...I made it through the garage sale. Hard to watch things walk off my driveway. Clothes...carseats AND my crib!! :( So many precious memories that only I will cherish and do not walk away with the "things" although it feels that way at times. I can't say it was easy but when would it? My hearts desire was always to have MANY children and so its rough to feel like we may not. Who knows...Only God!

I started this blog specifically to update and communicate with family and friends on life after Larson. The changes it brought us. Our ups and downs. Just how we were feeling. As so many know...its hard to talk to everyone directly after the loss of your child and so this worked so well! So many of you who have read this blog are going through this very thing. It is taxing and emotional. This blog has helped me to write down my feelings...to be honest in a safe place, without judgement from others. I really felt supported while keeping loved ones up to date. It definitly became something so much more then that. I would come hoping the Lord would also use this in a way to help others. If it has been used in that way at all...Praise God!

This blog was initally created for family and friends, and yet I have "met" some amazing people. These blog friends have gone through the same heartache of losing a child....some more then 1! I can't express enough of my thankfulness and gratitude for those of you who have listened and read. For your kind thoughts and prayers. Our family forsure felt them all! I am so incredibly grateful for the support and love from you all! I now have more friends who understand my new normal and what a treasure that is. God has provided well in our time of need.

Larson has 3 brothers and a sister who keep me on my toes and help me to stay present. After much prayer and thoughtful considration, I have decided to start a family blog. Our story for sure continues and for some reason this just feels right to me to start something new at this time.

This has been a hard decision because by no means do I want to diminish the life of my son. There is some fear that peopole will think I am over it and so I am "moving on"....I assure you, Im not moving on or over it...but just moving forward and pressing on. I know that staying at this blog doesn't mean that I am not pressing on. Either way I am just wanting to share the story of our family so I will have a journel for my children to have one day. So staying here or leaving...I have the same motive in mind...Glorifying God and sharing His story.

I know that God so blessed us with a son for 23 hours and with 4 more children here. I don't take this task lightly. Starting a new blog does not diminish the work God is doing in my families life...it will not heal my pain...nor is it to make me forget. I am not switching blogs to leave him behind or to not embrace the story God has given to me, but to continue to write about our family with EVERYONE in it! Larsons blog will be up...I will still write from time to time.

For those who want to continue to follow what we are up to,...you may email me at, www.theobs@usa.net. Looking forward to sharing! Thanks again for all your kind words, your compassion, patience and undertanding.

I will continue to follow so many of your adventures...it sure has been fun to watch what the Lord is doing in so many of your lives and to advance His Kingdom.

Letting Go

2009-08-13T18:48:00.000-07:00

This is the title of the last page of Nancy Guthries devotional..."A Year of Hope". This book has been a tremendous encouragement to me as I have walked this road of grief. Not only has she lost 2 children...she also is faithful to point us to scripture in the heat of the battle.

This page of Letting Go has been difficult for me. I know the devotional is for A YEAR and here I am 18 months later trying to let go. She states that the letting go is not of our child...but of the grip that grief has on us. I have said in the last couple posts that this is not as prominent on a hour to hour or even day to day basis...but when grief is gripping me....IT IS GRIPPING ME!

I have decided that it is time to go through things and let things go physically. This has been MUCH harder then I had thought. I had not gone through ANY of our baby clothes for Larson even when we knew he was a boy. I knew his condition was grave and the possibility of him coming home was not good. I wasn't being a pessimist..just a realist. Besides...he was 4lbs. 14oz....the little guy would not have fit. So I tucked the bin away. It moved from our garage to the crawl space without taking a peak....it was just so painful.

So in the last couple of days I have been taking things out of the crawl space for my garage sale. I wonder if I should just pack it up and give it away but my kids have begged to do a garage sale. I thought this would be a good learning experience for them....it has turned out to be a grieving time for me.

Our parenting journey began 9 1/2 years ago with our eldest child Emma. We knew we wanted alot of children but were unsure exactly how many. After Larson we felt that the Lords desire was for us to have one more. Why one? That was what we felt was put on our hearts. After losing the two babies after Levi we tried one more time. We agree when we found out we were pregnant with Larson that this was our last one.

So here I am closing a chapter in my life...so it seems. Its just that one of them is missing. I thought I was doing good until I started dragging everything out of that dusty crawl space. Wiping dust off of things seemed so cutting. Then into the bins I went. Looking through all the adoring clothing. It has been harder then I thought. I know this is what I need to do...what is holding onto all this stuff going to do?

Maybe I held on to it thinking maybe we would still have another...but it seems that right now we will not. I am grieving this as well. I certainly didn't want this to end this way. I know it is not the end with my other children. I have SO much to rejoice with with them. But even Landon sees the loss. Today while putting things out he said....
"Mommy....if Larson were here we would not be selling all of this stuff. He would be sleeping in the crib...riding in the stroller...and wearing the clothes. And we would be giving him tons of hugs" Out of the mouth of my 6 year old boy!!!

Landon is right. We would be using them, but we are not. We all know what we hoped would have been...yet trust what is right now by faith. I could only be doing this "grief walk" by the Grace of God. The Grace that He has givin to me to walk a journey in my life I NEVER wanted.

So I see others continuing there life with new life...new hope and new joy, I certainly wonder what the future will look like for us. Not what I thought...but beautiful none the less. Beautiful because my relationship with my Saviour is biggest then the clothes Larson would have worn or the stroller he would have rode. My Saviour is for eternity. So for the moments I live on earth that may be painful and even seem unbearable. Well they are because my Hope is not in this world and the things in it. My hope is in eternity. Eternity were there will be no more grief...or tears...or disappointment...or sadness.

So really I am just sharing my thoughts. Not because I am hopeless...but that I am hopeful that I can continue to let go of the things I had hoped for and HOLD on to the only thing I can....Jesus! This is not always easy. I wont' claim to have done it well or even right. But I am doing it....and the miracle is that I am still doing it by faith and faith alone.

So if you think of it. Pray for me Friday and Saturday as I tangibly let go of the things I wish I didn't have to....the things I wish a sweet 18 month old baby boy was wearing...but pray that I would hold so tightly to the One who is worthy to hold onto. The One who will not change...who will not fail...who will not die!!! I have definitely been fighting a spiritual battle in the last few days and I am praying with all my might for peace...hope...joy...and trust.

Re-do???

2009-08-03T16:38:00.001-07:00

For some reason I have really been aching for my sweet baby. More time...If only we could have a re-do! I really would be willing to go back...just for my 9 months and 23 hours with that precious gift! It hurt so bad...but was so worth it. The sting doesn't stay as long these day...but it still comes. I think I am more acquainted with the ache. It has become a part of who I am. Just as a scare becomes part of your skin. Its as though I just don't notice the ache until it becomes more intense or something triggers the wounds to open. It eventually closes up...but the subtle ache remains. But who could ever fully get over this....?

He was worth all the pain...all the tears and all the SMILES! If only we could do a re-do!!!

My back is back!

2009-08-02T19:20:00.000-07:00

I wanted to thank you all for your prayers for my back...here is my update. I got the cortisone shot a week ago Wednesday and it has worked!! Praise God! I would say I am 80% better. I have actually been able to go on walks this week. I really am so grateful and I know that the Lord was guiding the doctors hand to the correct spot. When getting a cortisone shot it is likely that it will not work the first time. They told me that often they don't know the exact tissue to hit...so I'm thankful it hit the right area.

Asking for Prayers

2009-07-27T06:19:00.000-07:00

I just received a call from a friend last night asking for prayer for a dear family. So I am coming to you faithful readers and prayer warriors this morning.

On Friday the family she was calling about....well call them the V's, God know them....were on a lake water skiing. On their way back to shore they hit some rough wakes and their 11 year old daughter flew out of the boat and died. Please be praying for this family. For those who have lost a loved one..their is many areas that are stretched and pulled. Your faith is very much tested. This was a "freak" accident and yet there will be so many questions. We can trust the Lord and still wonder why these things happen. This family will be changed forever and July 24th will be a day that marks that!

Dear Father...
I pray for the V family. That you would protect them and their hearts. That you would protect their marriage and their family. God...you know the details and you know their needs. We know you are in control of all things and yet this seems unfathomable. Another "accident" yet you never left them and you wont. Be with them in these days and the days to come. They will be dark...they will be hard!

Thank you friends....my heart is breaking for this family. I know prayers work....A peace is there that otherwise is not.

Having Hope...and a prayer request!

2009-07-19T20:04:00.001-07:00

It seems hope is a theme so many of study and want. Last week in church the communion service was on hope. It was EXACTLY what I needed. We all hope is things. Hope for the future..hope for healing...hope for love....hope for health. We hope because we have not yet seen it happen.

I no longer hope for a husband...I have a great one. I no longer hope for kids...I have 5! I no longer hope for healing here on earth for Larson...my answer was given on January 22 of 2008 that my hope for healing would be granted but not here. So the list goes on. I continue to hope for things... but I feel I have a little bit of a pessimistic edge. I am afraid to hope...because what if that is not the answer I will get. Should I just resigned to the fact that the answer has already been determined. That God knows the answer or should I still hope.

I have spent some time in the sci pures looking at hope alone. There is SOO much there and many answers for my questions are given.

For I hope in You, O LORD; You will answer, O Lord my God. Psalm 38:15
Yes! I hope and He will give HIS answer. May I be content with it?

Through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this grace in which we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God. Romans 5:2
I hope in the eternal kingdom. For this earth is passing away. All my tears will be wiped...the pain gone and hope answered!

And hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us. Romans 5:5
I will hope in Gods love for me and remember the gift He has given through His Son. That although it may not be what I want...it is still good!

Bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1 Cor 13:7
I will still hope in all things...just still searching!

But since we are of the day, let us be sober, having put on the breastplate of faith and love, and as a helmet, the hope of salvation. 1 Thess 5:8
I will hope in my salvation

Now she who is a widow indeed and who has been left alone, has fixed her hope on God and continues in entreaties and prayers night and day. 1 Tim 5:5
In all the loneliness I will remember and hope IN THE LORD

And a few more....
Instruct those who are rich in this present world not to be conceited or to fix their hope on the uncertainty of riches, but on God, who richly supplies us with all things to enjoy. 1 Tim 6:17

in the hope of eternal life, which God, who cannot lie, promised long ages ago, Titus 1:2

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. Heb 11:1

So with these thoughts on hope...
Right now I am HOPING for healing and pain relief with my back. My MRI results showed 2 bulging discs and a disc tear. The pain is constant and intense. I am struggling with pain management. I want to enjoy my kids and though I am...I can't do as much as I had HOPED!! I am going in on Wednesday at 10am for a cortisone shot in my spine by the disc problems. I would be so grateful for prayers if you feel led...Please pray for...
1...the shot would work and give some relief, immediate relief and relief for awhile
2..through other therapies the discs would heal themselves. I am looking into a therapy that a chiropractor has here in town. I have heard by the doctor that it is not likely for the discs to go back in place but not impossible...so I will Hope.
3....no side effects from the cortisone shot....spinal headache/more pain/ ANY SIDE EFFECT!
and whatever else you can think of...
Yes...I am still going to HOPE for healing with my back. With Larson...the Lords desire was not to heal. We ask for the Lord to take the cup from us or let thy will be down. Well...the Lords will was not to heal. But I believe we can still Hope...its what we do when what we hope is not what we get.

Thank you friends!

String of Pearls Run

2009-07-06T11:58:00.001-07:00

Many of you have already seen this foundations...but Id like to take this opportunity to talk about it myself. Laura...the founder...has become one of my treasured friends. We met when I found out that Larson would not make it. Lauras daughter Pearl has the same diagnosis as Larson, but aside from that, we are both Colorado natives and have many things and friends in common aside from our brave children!

Lauras friendship AND her medical knowledge helped me and my family more then I could have ever expected. Meeting her was definitely orchestrated by our Heavenly Father and so was her ability to help. It is no mistake that Laura was trained not only as a nurse, but a Labor and Delivery nurse LONG before she new of the story it would create in her own life with her brave daughter Pearl. Instead of tucking away her gift and her training...she has faithfully been using it to help many other families in the same situation we were in....walking the journey of carry your baby to term who has a fatal diagnosis.

On July 25th...if you are in the Denver area (or want to fly in!!!) I would love to invite you to join others in supporting this amazing and well needed ministry. The following is a letter from Laura that I emailed to friends in town, but would love to have you read it as well. Thanks for your support to this wonderful ministry.

Friends, Family and Patients,

On July 25, 2009 we will be hosting a 5K Run/Walk event in Parker, Colorado to benefit String of Pearls, a registered 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization providing perinatal hospice support to families who are struggling with the devastating reality of a fatal diagnosis for their unborn baby. String of Pearls is based right here in the Denver Metro-Area where their tangible and emotional support is available to families both locally and across our country without any cost. Their services include the crafting of unique birth plans, coordination with other professional support, liason between the family and the birthing staff, and precious memory making kits. This is a great nonprofit organization and we should all come out to show our support. Look for them on the internet at www.stringofpearlsonline.org

The event will be held at Stroh Ranch Park which is approximately 1/2 mile west on Stroh Road from Parker Road (Rt. 83). The event will begin at 9:00 AM and race day registration will begin at 7:30 AM. Throughout the day, local businesses will be providing information about their new products and services, there will be many kid's events, and there will be activity demonstrations throughout the day, including a quick start tennis program, martial arts and others!

At 11:00 AM there will be a drawing for prizes and all registered participants will be eligible to win. There will also be an opportunity to pre-purchase additional tickets prior to the drawing to increase your odds of winning. Prizes include a one night stay at the Hampton Inn of Parker King Suite, four rounds of golf a Black Bear Golf Club, custom made foot-insoles and many more great prizes.

Registration is easy! Please open and print off the attached registry form and return it to us as soon as possible. Help us make this inaugural event a success by participating and telling everyone you know! Let's start the first year off great and set the tone for many more years to come!

If you have any questions, please give us a call or email us. Thanks for all your support!

Dr. Matthew Derry
Dr. Tanja Sukovic Derry
Back to Wellness, L.L.C.
(720) 851-7400
12919 Stroh Ranch Court
Unit B
Parker, CO 80134
www.backtowellnessnow.com < http://www.backtowellnessnow.com/>

Laura Huene
Executive Director
String of Pearls
303.507.1992
PO Box 630454
Littleton, Co 80163
www.StringOfPearlsOnline.org

Faith!

2009-07-02T13:21:00.001-07:00

Happy 11th Anniversary...heres to many more!!!

Id like to think that my faith is strong. I am not wanting to say it is weak for sure...but in this season of my life I can definitely say it has been tested, tried, refined and questioned.

Steve and I just celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary. A feat I can definitely say I am so very grateful for. A milestone i can say was not achieved on our own. Then who possibly got us here? What got us here? Yep...our faith! But faith in what?

Just last week I commented to Steve that the last 3 years have been some of the hardest. It is almost 3 years ago that our journey of loss began. Sure we have lost...great grandparents,aunts and uncles....Steve has more then I, but for Steve and I personally, it hit harder beginning in 2006. That is when our first baby was gone. We went in for our check up...and no heartbeat. Shock? yes! Sadness? yes...But I didn't feel complete despair. I had heard of early loss. I knew it was not completely uncommon.

So we continued on...hoping for the baby after our loss. Another O'Brien to raise. Another sibling for our children. Well...loss again. Another heartbeat gone to soon. We decided to try again. Yes...we had hope...we had faith that it would not end this way...or did we. I have been told that if I had more faith I would not have c-sections? So...if I had more faith...would my babies die? I'm not trying to be cynical...just questioning the advice of some!!

Did we have faith that God was in control of ALL things? What we mustard up as our story...or did we have faith that the story to come had already been written by the Creator who had already written the story this far? Is our faith in our faith....or is our faith in God?

Can I have enough faith to change the story God has written to a story I want? Can my faith change the outcome? Do I believe that God has written the story and will get me through ANYTHING...whether I see it as good or bad...! My faith Has to be in God...not myself...or my life would not turn out the way it has. I would be a superhero and change that for sure....but I definitely wouldn't be who I am today.

Well...I can say looking back..I had faith. I had faith that things would work out. But my faith was in the story and how I WANTED it to look. Others around me had lost a child early in their pregnancy and ALL yes ALL had s HEALTHY baby after. So certainly I would have that "rainbow baby" as well. Or would I?

So this is where I am at. My faith for sure has been tested. And now...my faith is being refined and redefined. No longer am I putting my faith in a story I have created, but I can not tell you it has been easy to put my faith in the story already written, but not yet seen. I trust in a God who has providentially given me life. Who has made me a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter. I have seen His hand in my life...but can I see His had in the dark times as well?

I am really speaking out loud in this blog the thing I have been pondering in my mind. I guess really being vulnerable and sharing things that I have wrestled with during the last few years.

The questions were few at the beginning, but have grown as our season continued down the road of loss. Now wondering which direction we are headed.

Currently I am enjoying my children...but still a piece of me continues to miss the toddler not here. I have been experiencing a GREAT deal of pain in my back and have been in physical therapy for 3 months now. I am going for an MRI and hoping for more clarity as to the direction of my pain management. It could be anything from a bulging disc..to a ruptured disc. I have pain constantly in my back radiating down my legs and into my calves. I don't share this for sympathy or for advice, but because it seems to be another hurdle for me. Can I trust Gods decision to take me down this path that has been hard...but bearable, often dark...but I know He is there. The pain is often frustrating and making it hard to enjoy normal daily activities. I love working out, but have not been able to for the last 3 months. I can't rely on that for my sanity...although I did. So once again I am back to trusting God in this story...or wanting to!

I have felt somewhat down at times...just wanting some relief, but seeking what that relief is. Is is from the pain of this world? I know we are all meant to suffer and by no means to I believe my story is terrible suffering. I have seen many suffer more. But I have also seen many rejoice in the hope and faith of new children and new beginnings. I am wondering what mine will be. I know it will be my own story. Written specifically for me. Hoping for something great...wondering what that is. And is great my idea of great or the great that God has decided will be great for me.

Do I trust in my own faith...in a story I have written? Or is my faith in a God who is far bigger and better and more in control then I could ever imagine myself to be? I know I trust God...I want to trust Him more...I want to have Faith in HIM more...I want to rest in Him more.

Praying for more faith!!!

The Dash

2009-06-08T19:30:00.000-07:00

Last Friday we had my grandmas funeral. My mom was brave enough to speak and talked about the life she lived. She also shared this poem by Linda Ellis...You may have heard it but Id like to share it...

The Dash

I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend.
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
From the beginning to the end.

He noted that first came the date of her birth
And spoke of the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time
That she spent alive on earth
And now only those who loved her
Know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own,
The cars, the house, the cash,
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard;
Are there things you’d like to change?
For you never know how much time is left
That can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
To consider what’s true and real
And always try to understand
The way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger
And show appreciation more
And love the people in our lives
Like we’ve never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect
And more often wear a smile,
Remembering that this special dash
Might only last a little while.

So when your eulogy is being read
With your life’s actions to rehash
Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent your dash?

I sat there reflecting on "the dash". Mostly I have read stories about children who have gone to be with the Lord. Although their dash may not be in years....they still have a dash. Either between minutes or moments....days or weeks....months or years. No matter what...they have a dash. I am constantly reminded of the dash Larson had. From the 22nd-23rd...from 1 minute to 23 hours. Yes he lived for but a day and yet he did get a dash. That dash did much for me...my family...and those around me. And although the dash came to an end...his memory continues on.

As I remember my grandmother this week, I will also remember the dashes of so many others....Pearl, and Sophie Ann, and Issac, and Asher, and Noah, and Brinley, and Sydney, and Chloe....and the list goes on and on! I'll remember all their dashes and hope that as I continue my own life, that I will consider what will be in my dash. May it be filled with faithfulness to Christ and Him alone!

Saying Good-bye

2009-06-02T19:36:00.000-07:00

Thanks for the prayers....my Bubie (yiddish for grandmother!) passed away tonight! Saying good-bye is not so fun...she would have been 90 on June 16th! She taught us much and she will be missed!

Please pray

2009-06-02T14:59:00.000-07:00

This is Corie's friend Laura, I am hijacking her blog today! Today is Corie's Birthday and she is facing another difficult path on her journey. Her sweet grandma is in the hospital and is not expected to live through the week. Her grandma is a precious woman who has been the source of so much laughter for Corie and her family.

Will you pray for Corie, her grandma and the rest of their family? I am asking God to bring hope, comfort, peace and the assurance that He is near, even in the darkest hours. I know He will wrap His arms around each person in the family and has promised that He will never leave them. I want this truth to be so real to all who are there waiting at the hospital.

The past 18 months have been long and full of so many unexpected turns for this sweet family. I am so proud of Corie...she is a gift to so many and I count her as one of my greatest treasures. She is walking this journey so bravely, even in the moments when she would like to just sit down and not take one more step. I want her to know we are holding her arms up, just like Aaron and Hur, held up his arms during the battle. I know all of you love Corie and her family and will hold their arms up. Pray for strength as well as moments of laughter and true joy.

Thank you for praying and for loving this sweet family so well. They are so easy to love...

Sending love to your sweet family,
Laura and co

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
Isaiah 40:31

When it stings...IT STINGS

2009-05-20T20:24:00.000-07:00

Just a heads up...this could be a long post. Just writing down some of my feelings of today. It was a good day yet a rough day. A happy day yet sad day. This seems to be what life has for me now!! Let me explain.

I started my day with a fun trip to Casa Bonita with my sons first grade class. What could be more fun then spending quality time with my sweet boy. We traveled up with giggles and laughter in the back seat. What a beautiful picture from the rear view mirrow. A son gifted to me. Yes...my children are a gift and more precious to me then ever. I hope I don't hold to tightly to them...but I sure do love them.

Well this joyous moment took a swift turn after a phone call from my husband. He graciously wanted to make me aware about something concerning another son...the one that we only have a grave site for, whose home is not here, who I miss so much....

This may seem so little to some...but for me it was big. Our sons grave stone had broken. It was his temorary stone and we knew we would have to get his permenant one soon. The problem is...we have just not been ready to do this. ITS PERMENENT! You don't change it out like you do the season or your clothes. IT will be his marker forever. We want to make it perfect...whatever that is!

Well after my trip to Casa Bonita with a wonderful boy...I dropped him off at school and headed to the cemetary. Not exactly the place I wanted to be. There was a time I found peace there...but right now, it just hurts....it just stings. Why does that still hurt so bad? Will I ever fully embrace the heartache? I find that time does NOT heal...you just become accostumed to the pain and learn to live with it...you learn to carry the pain...not try to get rid of it...just carry it!

Any way...I get to the grave site and go to his grave...but there is NOTHING there. Not even the BROKEN TEMPORARY stone. Nope! GONE! You could say I was hysterical...maybe a little crazy. Yep...I DID lay on the grass and weep. For this is where Larson is and yet there was NO STONE! After pealing myself off the groud, I got in my car and headed to the office.

Not the place I wanted to be. The last time I was there was for Larson Visitation before his service and then to pick up his death certificate. Looks like a great building on the outside...but you walk in and it has death written all over. I was greeted by a nice women who gave me a bottled water with none other then a label that said.....OLINGER MORTUARTY!! Nice momento..you think? So as I sip my water I am taken to a room to wait for a counselor. I realized that is what they call the "sales" people!

While waiting for the couselor...I thought usually you would read something. NOt much reading material here, unless you want to read about buying a headstone. The walls...filled with pictures then none other then grave stones. So I imagined whose they were. One was a piano...seriously! One was a small building! Crazy to be in this room. I shouldn't be here! I didn't want to be here! Larson doesn't care about his headstone...but I DO! Its all I have. No 15 month old here! Just a grave site to take care of!

So long story...short! I was told I need to pick out his final head stone. We are working on that. We are praying about what would be best. Really wish I had my baby and not these decisons...but I don't and I know.

What I praise the Lord for is...In spite of the sting and the pain and the tears and the hurt...Christ is on His throne. Like I said...the pain doesn't go away. Its just gets easier to pick yourself up from. I wasn't down all day...just a few hours. Honestly...that is progress people!

So I headed to get my toes done...my mind together and then to go back to hug my W
WONDERFUL children. I know I have 5....I don't need everyone to know that anymore. I am getting used to the people who are uncomfortable around me....and so very thankful for my close friends who continue to walk with me through lifes highways and byways!

Angels Wish

2009-05-06T21:01:00.000-07:00

I LOVE this song...This man writes incredible songs and to think so many were BEFORE Miss Marias home calling! The songs only get better! What a gift God has given him. Listen to the words...Wow!

Was God smiling when He spoke the word and made the world?
And did He cry about the flood?
What does God's voice sound like when He sings, when He's angry?
These are just a few things that the angels have on me

Well, I can't fly at least not yet
I've got no halo on my head
And I can't even start to picture heaven's beauty
But I've been shown the Savior's love
The Grace of God has raised me up
To show me things the angels long to look into
And I know things the Angels only wish they knew

I have seen the dark and desperate place where sin will take you
I've felt loneliness and shame
And I have watched the blinding light of grace
Come breaking through with a sweetness only tasted
By the forgiven and redeemed

And someday I'll sit down with my angel friends
Up in heaven
And they'll tell me about Creation
And I'll tell them a story of Grace

Well, I can't fly at least not yet
I've got no halo on my head
And I can't even start to picture heaven's beauty
But I've been shown a Savior's love
The Grace of God has raised me up
To show me things the angels long to look into
And I know things the Angels only wish they knew

Balancing Act

2009-05-04T14:33:00.001-07:00

I find myself trying to balance myself between enjoying my children and missing Larson. Yes...I still do!! I often wonder what things will look like in a year and then I remind myself only God knows.

I should probably have learned this by now, but my personality has always leaned on being more anxious for tomorrow and so it will continue to be something I will battle until I am HOME!

My days seem brighter, and I am able to take more breaths. These last 3 years have been full of anticipation, "plans" and disappointments. I often wonder if I will see restoration and in what way. I certainly find times that I do feel God is doing just that. Restoring my joy, my trust, by peace and my life. Its not in the way I would have thought or maybe even hoped for, but that's how this journey all began right?...

Desiring to add to my family... only for the very thing I wanted to be taken. Hopes dashed...Yet a story so perfectly and lovingly written by my Lord. Not the script I would have chosen to be a character in, but trusting in the God who works all things for good. Trusting He knows the beginning and the end and that He makes NO mistakes...even what is His good hurts so bad!

So I will continue to strive to balance my "new" life. Embracing what is new and letting go of the old. He makes all things new...NOT He makes all things what they used to be. Thankful for change!

Thankful for a God who is continuing to gently show me HIS goodness..not mine, HIS story...not mine and HIS promises...not mine.

Blessed by God....that He would walk with me even when I ask the same 'ol questions time and time again.

I have begun to stay balanced more...but I still have my times that I fall off the beam.....But grateful He is there even in those times.

Compassion!

2009-04-28T12:56:00.000-07:00

I have probably not mentioned this blog very often, but I know there are many who have already read her story. She had a daughter 3 months after Larson was born...who had a fatal condition that was diagnosed at 20 weeks...and died after a beautiful 2 hours. If you haven't read her ....I encourage you to do so. She is honest, frank and LOVES the Lord!

Right now...she is overseas on a Compassion International trip with several other people...Compassion International is an AMAZING organization....This is the description from their website!

Compassion International is one of the nation's largest Christian child sponsorship organizations, working with more than 65 denominations and thousands of indigenous church partners in Africa, Asia, Central and South America, and the Caribbean. Since 1952, Compassion's revolutionary approach, through one-to-one Christian child sponsorship, has touched the lives of more than 1.8 million children. Compassion has been recognized for its financial integrity with top ratings and recommendations by several "watchdog" organizations. Sponsor a child in need today.

After reading about them...I decided to also look up the work Compassion in the Websters Dictionary. This is no ordinary dictionary....This is our AMERICAN DICTIONARY!!
It very simple yet directly states that Compassion means:

sympathetic consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it

I had to ask myself..as an American, a child of God...what am I doing to be conscious of others' distress and how am I helping to alleviate it? God says in his word;
Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. -James 1:27

Compassion International in no way takes away all of my responsibility, I know there are many other ways to help these children around the world. But honestly....what is $32 dollars in many of our pockets..
A month without Starbucks?
Not going to a movie?
Not getting that extra pedicure?
Not going out to eat as much?
Budgeting $32 less in groceries?
Not going to Red Robin!!!

I know my children can learn alot from saving their own money...maybe not all of it yet...and then gifting it to someone else. So can we as adults. So I just felt compelled to write this on my blog. Check out the site....I hope you will be as moved as I am. If you can't "adopt" a child now, or maybe you can only do one, or maybe you can have a friend join in, maybe you can in the future...

I ask...What can i do? What can you do? to help the WORLDS children?

Saying good-bye to my sweet Larson long before I wanted too, has led me to see things much differently then before. For this I am SO THANKFUL that God picked this story for me. Now..I am no saint forsure. I have not somehow achieved something great, but I am thankful that some of my ignorance from before has changed to the realization that there is much more going on in the world around me. Maybe it was not ignorance, but since it wasn't affecting me directly it was easier to ignore.

What saddenes me the most is many of these children are without parents, and if they have parents, they are still unable to have food on the table and a descent education...let alone being able to enjoy the things that we do on a daily basis. How heart wrenching it is to know that there are SO many orphanes and it takes just $32 to help 1! I can't imagine not having food for my children and yet my children get to go to Red Robin...MUCH TO OFTEN! That is humbling to just write down in words. Yes...we see these children on the news in a 1 minute segment at most. Their life is more then a second. It is filled with heartache. There is SO much pain and suffering. And though I tasted a bit of it myself....I know that there are many more enduring hardships on a daily basis. Lets just say...God used my sweet boy to get my head out of my "dream world" with my perfect plan and has taken me to a reality of the pain of this world. This is not our home...it hurts...others hurt....What can we do to help?

Thanks for your eyes and ears!! I apoligize for any ramblings...hope it all makes sense. It does me!!!

I Will Rise

2009-04-12T19:15:00.000-07:00

2 Corinthians 4:17-18
For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Celebrating Christ

2009-04-10T08:45:00.000-07:00

Lots of thoughts as we celebrate this weekend the death and resurrection of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. How can I not think about the death of the one who came to die for my sin and for all of those who come to Him.

How often I think of Christ. Of course I celebrated before, but it has changed in the last year. I am not going to claim I fully understand the depth of Christs grief and sorrows as He walked to the Garden of Gethsemane. For He knew His death would be painful and yet He knew it would be with a purpose. He knew everything from beginning to end. He was fully God...yet fully Man. He had emotions like we do and yet they were perfect.

I can't help to think of Gods grief for His Son as we celebrate this weekend. For God so love the world that He GAVE His is ONLY Son that whoever believes in Him SHOULD NOT perish but have eternal life. John 3:16 Yes...God GAVE His ONLY Son. Wow. That just makes me amazed. He was willing to give up His beloved for the sin of the world. He was willing to put the perfect Christ on the cross to pay for all our imperfections.

I know I will not fully grasp this, this side of Heaven, but I had to give my own son, and it has grieved me immensely. Yet I know that Larsons life was perfect, his death could not have been sweeter and now he is with the Lord because of what Christ did. Yes Larson is in Heaven because of the same reason I will be in Heaven. Because of the sacrifice of Christ for our sin. God was merciful to give Larson a sweet life. God was willing to give His Son...let Him go through a horrible death for us.

I think of asking God to take the cup from us. To heal Larson and to take away the trial. But we also prayed that His will be done. Wow does that prayer mean so much more. Christ said the same thing. He asked His own Father in Heaven to take the cup from Him...take the cross away or let His will be done. Christ was willing to die for us. If God can let His own Son die for us...How much more should I trust God in the story He has created for me? I know with all my heart that through the heartache...that this story is perfect and will continue to be. It's perfectly written, with heartache and all! Yes this is love. Because the greatest gift still remains...the gift of Christ.

So as I celebrate Christ...I think of my joy in Him as my Saviour and yet my grief in my sin that He would die for. Yes the cross was perfect. There was joy...and there was grief. I believe I have felt my own joy and grief collide in my story with Larson and yet I can look to the Cross and see that joy and grief can collide and it is good and it is what God intended.

May you all have a blessed resurrection day!

Nighttime thoughts

2009-03-24T11:22:00.001-07:00

Well its afternoon as I write this!, so I guess kind of a weird title, but it is in the night that I start thinking. Since starting this new journey of my life, the night has always been the hardest time. The house is quite, my sweet children are no longer fighting! and look so incredibly peaceful off into their own precious dreams. Ok...they don't fight all the time...just often displaying sibling love in the many different ways. So the days are pretty busy...thankfully...and when I begin to rest my head on my pillow is when I begin to think...analyze...ponder...pray...fear...and the list goes on.

I do really think I have turned the corner in this grief journey. No longer is the pain so intense and mostly when I think of this year...I look upon it with a smile. Yes..these smiles may be joined with a tear...but not so despairingly. I realize more and more each day that my lifes story is and will continue to unfold. It definitely doesn't look like I though nor hoped it would...but God is so faithful. I really hoped to be bouncing around with a toddler...but Im not.

I think when I lay my head down at night is when I begin to think about what I will continue to transform into. Ok...I know I am not a gorilla or that we come from them...but when accepting Christ as our Saviour I became a new creation. No longer wanting to please myself....but live to bring Glory to God. So this year I wonder...Have I brought Glory to God? Through all the tears and questions and thoughts. I can not completely with confidence say yes...but I do know that God will judge my heart. I am thankful that this walk does not rest in the hands of my friends...or my neighbors...or my family...or my blog readers...I mean that with the utmost respect. Because if I put out a survey on what people thought...I guarantee the responses would very.

Yes..I have been concerned about my response to all of this..my reactions..my fears and anxieties. But I come back to what a dear friend said to me.

We need to be more concerned about our CHARACTER before God,
Then our REPUTATION before man.

Seems easy right? Well when I sit down to think about it...it seems difficult. God is a good God, who has given me a perfect story and continues to write it. But He is the only one who can rightly judge me. Scary without Christ as my mediator. So I continue to desire to want to grow in my wisdom of Christ and also my character that would please Him. Good I only have to think about Him...because the rest gets overwhelming.

So my nighttime thoughts go to how I am sharing, looking and responding to this...to praying that God would keep me focus on Himself!

There are times I still dream about if I had Larson...or if we had another...or if we adopt, but then I realize, Why go there? Its not a story until God Himself reveals that. I continue to stare (yes I do) at pregnant women and newborns...and cute China girls, I have to remind myself....That is not my story, that is their story and it is perfect. No longer do this images hurt so much. Ive always loved to people watch.

Now I wonder if the pregnant women has a healthy baby or if she has lost a baby or if she has some other pain. And the China girls...what is their story and all the other "obvious" children who are adopted. There are others around me I would never now. Everyone has a story. Yes...there are some who still live in the American dream with their white picket fence, I did! But I don't miss it. I don't miss being comfortable in what was comfortable situations. I appreciate the work God is doing. I hope to think of others and their pains and not just try to get back to my "comfortable" life. Don't get me wrong....I have ALONG way to go. Thats the problem with this, as you grow in some things more sin is revealed. So I may be growing in Compassion, but sometimes I don't have patience for other things. There is always going to be contradictions in life. Doing better in this....not so good in that!

But I know that God is faithful and He declares and I am CONFIDENT that "he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6. Yes the getting to completion will sometimes be uncomfortable, unwanted, uneasy and ugly, but HE will complete it!

Thanks for reading...Random post from a random girl!

Praying for...

2009-03-16T18:24:00.001-07:00

Another mommy to pray for and come along side of during this time of grief....
http://themiracleofmatthew.blogspot.com/
My heart always aches to know someone else has to let their baby go far to soon!

How many children do you have?

2009-02-28T15:11:00.000-08:00

Ok...so I know many people who read this blog have been in this situation. I still often wonder what to say.

At times Steve and I have said 4...as not to get into details and yet then we feel like we really have 5 and why deny Larson the life he had. There have been times that my children have corrected me when I say 4. I hear their cute voices pipe up and say.."no...remember we have Larson mom!" They are so proud of him like any sibling would be. They just don't get to share him in person.

As time has gone on Steve and I agree we want to say 5. We love to share the story of Larson and yet then there are times you can tell the other person is either uncomfortable or uninterested.

Really never thought I would have to think through a question like this. It is often asked. You mommies know...we all ask about the same things when we get to know one another. Now that my children are in sports...well this is asked often.

Trust me...I have done both and I have heard many comments pertaining to both...
-yes share...he is your son
-why do you need to share about it...hes safe with the Lord

I would love to hear from those of you who have lost a child. What do you say? For those of you have not lost a child...leave a comment also.

Honestly this has changed my life and really has put me on the opposite side of the field. I used to be safe in all situations. I used to feel comfortable in all situations. I used to not think twice what I said. I love meeting people and getting to know them. But this story...well it is part of me. I don't want to cling to it and yet I am not willing to let it go.

I want to be considerate of others and yet I want to talk about my son as I do all my other children. I want my other children to not be afraid to talk about their brother. Why is this so taboo? Why is there not some simple answer. Why are some uncomfortable talking about my dead son. Yes HE IS MY SON! And my children HAVE ANOTHER BROTHER.

So...would love to hear from you if you have some advice. Not going to get the t-shirt yet!

BTW...I don't share as much about my other children as I know this is a public blog and want to keep some things personal. I love them just as much. I say this because I have had questions about that. That maybe I don't think about them the way I should. I want to assure you. I love ALL my children and cherish them for who they are.

Our Story continues.....

2009-02-21T13:23:00.000-08:00

For awhile after losing Larson, I wondered where our story would go from there. Quite fankly, I felt like I ran straight into a brick wall. I was totally unprepared to have this happen. My faith in Christ is what held me up, but I myself could not move forward. At least not as quickly as I had hoped. There was alot to process. I didn't want this trail to be in vain and I always hoped that I would be willing to let the Lord shape me. Therefore...I didn't want to ignore the pain or quickly run through it.

Well now 13 months later...our story continues. How? Exactly how God wants it to. No big news, no big story...its that we have gotten through this as a family that is our story.

15 months ago I had no idea what a blog was, nor did I have ANY desire to have one. Why did other have to know everything about what I was going through or how I felt. I also didn't have much to say. Life was carrying on just as I had hoped. When a friend suggested to me to start a blog when we found out Larsons condition I still hesitated. There just didn't seem like much to right about. His condition always worsened and I knew that giving out more information would allow people to GOOGLE more and send me stories. I know this may sound selfish, but it was taking everything to just funtion with my four other children. Ill be honest...my reactioned supriesed me as much as it suprised even close friends.

Well after Larson was born it was difficult to tell everyone individually...along with family and friends out of state...how I was feeling. Steve and I both grew up here and are 4th generation Coloradans! So to say we had a support system was and is an understantment. Its just it got overwhelming at times. So I caved and began writing. For communication and also for an outlet for myself.

What began as a way to communicate...also became a new world to me. I didn't realize there was so much out there. Good stories and bad. I usually find the bad. Sadness takes comfort in sadness. While I began to meet some of the most wonderful peopel in blogland, I also become somewhat obsessed with blogs. You know...I wanted to know the WHOLE story. Well that takes time...too much time. As I found my favorite blogs to follow, I read every entry. I felt that some of the entries were exactly what I was feeling and others I could not relate to. While this is good...it can make you question your feelings and emotions. I encourage those who are walking a similiar journey....do not question your emotions, the time it takes you to grief, your reactions. Its ok to keep them in check, but don't use other blogs to do this. We are ALL individuals and it just won't look the same.

It is safe to use this as an outlet until it becomes all you can relate to. There were times that that was me. Ok..im being pretty transparent here! Well I have not written as many posts because I have not had the time and sometimes the right words. And really I know I have to re-enter things even if it is sometime uncomfortable. Ok...with honestly I have not just started doing this. I have done this all along, its just now it is even more often. I really love people, but for a season I needed some time to process and emerse myself into the Word of God. Tons of extra stuff was overwhelmimg. But praise be to God that things are much easier.

Ok...so back to blogland...yes this may be a random post.... Anyway, while surfing through bogs, I would see stories similar to ours. Bad diagnosis, death and then the process of grief was on their blog. I really enjoyed "contecting" to them as I did not have much experience it this and many were going through this for the first time as well. We have all done it different. We have all blog our stories, emotions, faults, strengths, weaknesses, etc. We have all written...some more honestly and transparent then others...some have not said as much. But all have done it their way AND well.

Ok...back on the trail...So these stories eventually went to new pregnancies. They had something new to talk about...It was hard to see at first, becuse as much as I wanted that story it was not mine. I heard all about "rainbow babies" and Gods promises. I read about healing from a new baby, restoration, redemption and moving on. I just wasn't there. But I wanted it so bad. I began praying..."Lord, take this desire from me if it is not your will. and if it is not your will help me to be COMPLETELY satisfied in you. For you give and take away and you are good. You may not give anymore and you are still good. I need to know that whether our story has a new baby or an adopted baby in it or not...that you have not forsaken us. That you will still restore us, you will heal us, you will not leave us"

Well over time I can assure you....I am so grateful for our story. God is good. Seeing the blogs with people who have had babies or are having babies are not hard anymore. I can say I truly feel myself rejoicing with them. I can seperate their blog from mine...their story from mine...and knowing God is in control of it all. He still loves me. His promises are still the same. Baby or no baby we will proceed the way God wants us to. We are not promised tomorrow, or anything beyond that. So I hope to live in the moment. And if God so wills us to have another child. IT WILL NOT be to heal, or be restored, or to be a symbol of Gods promises. We will have a baby because that was part of the plan all along....and because that is HIStory not mine. May my desires in my life be for Him and His Glory and nothing else.

So for all you amazing mommies who have gone throught the heartache of loss and now continue down the path of joy with a new baby. I rejoice with you...Im praying for your little ones. I know this doesn't take away the pain of the one lost, but where you learn to balance grief, heartache, and despair...with joy, love and hope. I am loving your stories that God is creating. I have enjoyed reading them all knowing they are written with perfection in mind.

For me...It has been good to follow these journeys...it has been good to remember that mine will be different from theirs. All of ours will be different. So I hope that blogs will be a means to encourage one another, but not to compare one another. I was there...but God has carried me to a place where I can be thankful for the differences in it all. IT IS ALL GOOD....IT IS ALL FROM HIS PERFECT HAND....THERE ARE NO MISTAKES.

To God be the Glory

Check it out

2009-02-11T05:42:00.000-08:00

So I woke up this morning and had to check on my sweet friend Aimee. If you haven't seen the videos of her "Gotcha" Day...Check them out here...with kleenex of course. This made my day!

Going to get Lily

2009-01-31T19:26:00.001-08:00

So most of you who have read my posts for any length of time know my friend Aimee...She is my "online" friend that I met while pregnant with Larson. Her Sophie Ann had the same condition and God choose their birthday to be the same although they were due 5 weeks apart. Go here if you don't remember. She came to visit in March and I went to visit her in August. When we met I don't think we knew what it would become...be it has become a wonderful friendship.

Well anyway....Aimee is going to get their 4th child Lily in China. If you would like to follow their travels and pray for them while on their journey, here is the link....
http://www.tochinaforlily.blogspot.com/

I can not begin to tell you the excitement I have for this wonderful family. So while they continue to grieve the loss of their sweet Sophie who is dancing in Heaven...they will be picking up her sister. Oh I just love this family. Ok enough said...enough ramblings...just check them out! You'll be blessed.

Living In A Fog

2009-01-30T15:26:00.000-08:00

These last few days have been difficult for me to pinpoint exactly what is going on in my head. I really have felt like I am in a continuous fog. I felt this way at the beginning of last year after we buried Larson. Just trying to figure out what was going on. It has been a year now and it doesn't seem to be going away. I new I would not be the same, but I definitely thought some things would go back to how I was. I thought by now I would have clearer thoughts, I wouldn't be so overwhelmed and anxious. What I am realizing is my normal will never be what it was before. Although I feel like I am really fighting this. Back at the beginning of this blog I did a post on feeling like a puzzle...

I feel as though I have found many of the pieces to my puzzle although they just don't make sense as to where they go in the picture that still seems so fuzzy I believe I have also found some new pieces. I guess that I still have some of the old Corie. I look the same and many parts feel the same, but so much has changed.

I honestly feel like part of my brain has been fried/damaged/been taken out! Whatever you want to say. I know I was not in an accident of any kind, but I do feel like I have had trauma to my brain. I hope this post can sound even half-way clear, because quite frankly...I don't feel like I have any clear thoughts at all. I really don't even know how to explain what I am feeling.

Sometime things feel comfortable...other times they don't. Sometimes all I want is to be at home...other times I want to avoid home at all cost because its not the home I thought it would be. Don't get me wrong. I do have an amazing husband and 4 beautiful children. But things remind me of what was or could have been. I realize that it will never be that way, but my mind wonders. I've never felt so much intense spiritual battle. God has kept me and continues to...but I am still living in the flesh and tempted by so much.

Before we began this journey, I was an out-going person. I loved people...still do!...but I could handle crowds, somewhat to the point of controlled chaos. I loved having people to my house often, play dates, birthday parties, you name it! I would plan it and enjoy planning it. I could do this while also keeping up with my daily task as wife and mother of 4 children in which I had in 5 years. Yes this sounds so great...right? I really probably looked like I had it all together. Well I didn't and now it is even worse. Just know its more obvious. I think and look more like a scatterbrain. I have even been driving and forgotten where I was going. Yes I know..freaky!

Before all of this...I loved to cook. Now just going to the grocery store can be overwhelming. Too many choices and what if what I bought no longer sounds good when I get home? What if I forget an ingredient...which I usually do with even when I have a list? I feel like I go to the grocery store everyday.

Now..I'd rather not be in big groups. Having a bazillion children running around and tearing apart my house makes me crazy because all I think about is how much work it will be to get my house back in order. I never enjoyed cleaning and now it is just plain and simply overwhelming to me. I don't know where to start cleaning and therefore it seems like a never-ending task.

NOW...I like to be around people I am comfortable with and who are comfortable around me. The ones who don't feel like they have to fix me, analyze me and give me the perfect advice. The ones who don't freak out that I still cry at times and STILL want to talk about my son. I like the freedom to be around people who don't expect me to be the old Corie, but are embracing the new one. The ones who ask about how I am doing...AND MEAN IT and don't try to "cheer" me up.

And my kids....with 3 in school, there is so much homework that I don't even know where to begin. I used to be a 2nd grade teacher. I could handle this. I could get 24children in order, talk to parents and run my house and now I can't figure out homework for 3? Where has my mind gone? I can't get my 1st graders homework in on time. There is such a list of things to do and although it may be 4 things....it feels like 30.

I find that instead of doing my laundry or cleaning or office work or whatever...I avoid it because I just get overwhelmed by it.

I'm sharing this to help my Friends and family understand me. I am sure you may be thinking...its been a year, what is up with her? Well I really am trying. Trying to return emails and phone call and texts. Trying to set up time with people, cook dinner and do my kids homework. And well...I fail everyday at this. It just seems like a lot of work.

As I write this I want to let you know it may sound like Im despaired, maybe depressed, maybe defeated...but I'm not. I am just being real. I am fightening this like you wouldn't believe. Not fightening alone thats for sure! Christ is right there is front of me. What an amazing Sheperd He is. This is battle and well...I'm staying in the battle. I am not giving up. I won't give up! This battle is what continually takes me to prayer...to Christ...to the Cross..to Eternity. A great place to be forsure. The best place to be and therefore a reason to keep fighting this great battle.

For those readers who have gone through the loss of a child...I would love to hear if you struggled with this at all. If you did...did your brain come back? How did you function? I really am missing the go-getter Corie, but have also learned to embrace the God who is molding me into what He so desires. If you have no advice...I would seriously LOVE your prayers. I mean it.

Larsons one year celebration pictures.

2009-01-29T13:44:00.000-08:00

The day went will and we certeinly felt the prayers from all of you. I was and am so blessed by all your emails, phone calls, messages, texts and love. We received beautiful flowers, an amazing album filled with letters, a necklace with my kids names and have felt so much love and support. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you! We have been blessed to have so many walk this year with us and we love you more then you may ever know. Its a hard road, but a good road and you have helped carry the load by just praying for us and meeting us where we are at. You have listened well and cared so much. And her is how we spent our day.....

Larsons 1st year celebration video from Corie O'Brien on Vimeo.

Pray for....

2009-01-28T14:28:00.000-08:00

I recently got a blog response from a mommy, Paige, who is prenant with twins. I am attaching her blog...she gave me permission...so please go and send her a note of encouragement. It is always such a blessing to know others are praying for you.

I will also being posting pictures soon of our one year anniversary celebration. God was so good in lifting us up throughout the day and blessing us with a day that was hard to plan!

Happy 1st Birthday

2009-01-19T12:00:00.000-08:00

Larsons 1st Birthday Celebration Video from Corie O'Brien on Vimeo.
be sure to turn off the music below. Sit back and enjoy his wonderful life! Thanks for sharing our journey with us.

Dear Larson,
It’s hard to believe that it has already been almost a year that we have had to say hello and good-bye. It just will never be enough time. I loved you before I knew you…before you twisted and turned in my womb. I loved you when they said you were “not compatible” with life. I knew you were a gift from God given specifically for our family.

When you arrived your sisters and brothers were so excited to hold you. Emma was devastated when we called to say you had died. She told me later that she thought you would live for “at least a year!” She so hoped for that. She really wanted to bring you home and take care of you no matter what you were like.

It has been hard planning your first birthday. I’ve never had to plan a birthday without my little one here. So we are doing the best we can to make it a special day even though you won’t be there. You little friend Brees will certainly miss you. We thought we would see you grow up together. But just like your sister and brothers, her mommy and daddy are telling her all about you. She would have definitely been at your party if you were here.

Anyway, your sister is so excited to get her ears pierced…Grammie says it your gift to her seeing as she was not suppose to get them done until she was 16. We now know though that we don’t know how long we have. You really have shown us the fragility of life. So for your sister Emma…she gets a gift she has always desired and one that will remind her often of the gift we were given in you.

Your brothers love to pull out the clothes you wore and remember just how tiny you were. We often wonder what you will be like when we see you again. And trust me…mommy is teaching your sister and brothers ALL about Jesus. We know you are with Him right now and learning all about Him. I continue to tell them to trust in Jesus so they will see you too and learn with you.

I can’t begin to tell you what this year has been like. I am sure you don’t want me to have so many tears…but I just can’t keep them in much. Then come less frequent…but I don’t mind them when they come. Some people have a hard time knowing what to say. I just wish they would say your name. Like any mommy…I am proud of you. Maybe not of your first smile, your first steps or your first words, but I am still proud of who you are to your family.

You are one brave little boy for us. With many babies with your condition they probably would not have made it all. With a lung and/or heart condition and nothing pass your brain stem…well you defeated many odds. You cried when you came out and you screamed life to the doctors who thought we should deliver early to keep you from suffering. Well you should no signs of suffering…for that was a big concern. You seized often in the womb and stopped suffering, but you definitely didn’t show it while you were here.

I have never felt such love in that room we had you in. From doctors and nurses..to family and friends. The love was intense because we knew we had limited time. But you were so patient and you let everyone hold you. What a fighter you were…born alive…lived passed delivery (which was a miracle because your heart rate was in the 30’s) and God gave us the gift of 23 hours. I know people try to make us feel better and tell us at least we had 23 hours, but that is not what we wanted. We desired you for a long time and when we found out we were pregnant we didn’t ask for 23 hours.

This year has really tested me little buddy. In my patience, my love, my faith, my desires, my hopes and my dreams. You see this was not our plan. I really thought I trust the Lord that He plans our ways. It sure is easy to say it when everything is going the way you want it. Easy to say its Gods will because you like His will. But when things are not as you wanted, you feel desperate, depressed and down. Well then that’s when the rubber meets the road. I had to wonder if God is a good God? Did He really want this to happen? Does He make mistakes?

This year has been the hardest and the best all at the same time. I have met some amazing new friends...you know their children in Heaven. I couldn't imagine not having them during this time. What a gift God gave me in two women...one who began this road 15 months before me and one who is walking it at the same time. Its helped me to open my eyes to Gods blessing...whether big or small. On that note, we have also had friends we have known a long time who are still are friends. Seems strange I'm sure. You think everyone just embraces you however, but really its amazing that they have been so patient. This really has changed us sweet boy...but I'm ok with that. I'm learning to live with the new me and not try to go back to who I was.

Your life was a perfect gift to test me in areas I felt so strong in. I really did say "my children are not my own". I thought I gave all of you to the Lord. Sure is easy in word…in deed is a whole other story.

Even today I wonder what is ahead of me. Will I see restoration the same way that others have? My biggest prayer has been that Jesus would be enough for me. That I don’t need, nor deserve anything else, and that I can still say God is good. I find myself hoping for a healing like none other, but I also know my healing will look different from others. Maybe by nothing more…no gifts/blessing from God. Maybe my healing will simply be in that my gifts and blessing are defined by God and not by me.

I can tell you this son,if the Lord desires to give you and your siblings another sibling, in whatever means, it will NEVER be a replacement or a means of healing. You are your own little man...your own life to be honored. For God is so clear that He makes each and everyone of us perfect in His eyes. Psalm 139 is very clear. You are perfect. As we celebrate your birthday on Right to Life day each year, we will always remember that you were perfect and you had a right to life. You made your mark loud and clear. You were life and now you get to enjoy eternal life with your Father in Heaven. There will never be another like you!

That all being said. Larson… I can say that I DO with all my heart still believe in the same good God I did before. The same God that created me is the same God who made you. He DID NOT make a mistake. I know He loves you and I know He loves me.

He gives and He takes away and doesn’t always give another something tangible back. I know the one thing He will not take is His Son. The promise of eternal joy in Christ will never be taken no matter what I feel like day to day. I will step out into each day praying for trust in Christ, not in myself, and to be willing and able to following Him until I am reunited with you and I hear the words…”well done good and faithful servant”

So it is with a very heavy heart that we celebrate a birthday of a little boy. Its not the perfect birthday I planned for your sister and brothers…but it will be your perfect celebration. Of a life well lived but cut to far short…for me anyway! We don’t worry about you…you are having the best birthday ever. I’m even a little jealous! I love you little buddy! Have a great birthday with Jesus!

Prayer for another family

2009-01-15T13:18:00.001-08:00

I wanted to write to ask for prayer for another family on this journey. Magdelena Roberts has gone to be with the Lord. Click on her name and follow the updates. My heart aches for them as I know this road of grief has many twists and turns. Yet I know that they cling to Christ and they will get through....one day at a time. Praying for you Noah and Julie. Larson has another friend in Heaven. What a welcoming she must have gotten!

This Road...

2009-01-11T19:53:00.000-08:00

Well we are about to hit the 1st birthday and with this so many thought of our journey this far. Its hard to believe that just one year ago I still had my Larson nestled in my womb. Many uncertainties of what was to come. We celebrated Emmas birthday and tried to embrace everyday we had.

Ill be honest...that was hard. Praising God for the days we had with him and preparing the days ahead without him. After 4 pregnancies...I never had to do that. My miscarriages for sure jolted me. The first 4 pregnancies went without a hitch. I reached each "milestone" and certainly felt "safe". 12 weeks meant no miscarriage...quad screen meant everything was ok and off we went. I lost my 2 babies after this at around 8 weeks. I cried for the loss of our children...but was left with little else. No reason for why they had to die, but for some reason there was a peace about it.

Along comes Larson...Got pregnant but seemed a long time (for us anyway!...but instantly had a feeling something was wrong. Made it past 12 weeks...I was still worried. Got the quad screen result back as great...still worried.

And then the "routine" ultrasound. Never would I imagine that on October 2nd at 9:00am in the same room... with the same tech with my other children.. that I would find out that my child in the womb would not make it home. I never thought this way. Always felt that once a pink line and all the other milestones that I would be just fine.

I never thought my life would or could change in an instant! But it did..it has..and I am still standing. I don't see myself as stronger. My strength can only come from my faith in Christ and His emence amount of Grace. If someone had told me that I would be burying one of my children. I would have never believed them. I would never have thought I could make it through. But thankfully God doesn't allow me to see everything in life. At times I think that would be nice, but in my sane times I know that I would not be able to handle that.

So where am I at just 1 year later? I still have many ups and downs. Still many tears. I would be lying if I didn't tell you that I miss him. My family misses him. I wonder often what 2009 will bring to our family. I am not clinging onto health or the promise of tomorrow. No I am not a negative person...maybe just a realist. I have been 1 in 40,000. Yes nothing to go off of. Larson was a 13th gene deletion with HPE alobar and most likely a heart and/or lung defect. Certainly could not find his diagnosis on google. I lost 2 other children before him. We really did think we would have a new baby. That God would certeinly not 3 children in a row. But He his...and He is good!

So could this year have many joys? Yes. But I know God will define those joys and its not what I thought were joys before October of 2007. I know that God does not promise tomorrow. He doesn't owe me another child or a house or a job or a car! No...Gods promise is in His son. Not my son...His Son and that is certainly enough to be thankful for.

This year has taught me, and my son, has taught me much...

My new normal...
new joys
new hopes
new tears
new laughters
new loves
new friends
new desires
new dreams
new promises
new perspectives
new expectations
new thoughts
new depths
new challenges

I am still learning who I am as a Child of God. I know that He will continue to be patient with me as He molds me exactly how He desires. I pray that I will be willing and that it won't hurt as bad...but if it does, I know He will be there right by my side.

Happy Birthday Emma!

2009-01-07T14:45:00.001-08:00

Happy 9th Birthday Emma....where did the time go?

What a birthday it was...donuts for breakfast...donuts for treats at school...Red Robin for dinner AND....

For the biggest surprise of all..drum roll(JK)...Emma thought she would have to wait to get her ears pierced when she was 16! Well Emma had expressed to me a couple of months ago how sad she is that Larsons birthday is in the same month and yet he is not here. Since they share the same birthstone, Steve and I decided to have her ears pierced on January 22nd. A gift she will remember forever. The gift of a brother who forever changed her and her family. A good reminder to have joy on the days that are hard to have joy in. I want her to remember his birthday with a smile!

Praise God for 9 wonderful years.

Sanctity of Human Life Sunday

2009-01-05T15:30:00.000-08:00

This January many will be observing Sanctify of Human life on Sunday January 18th. Since 1983, Americans have observed Sanctity of Human Life Sunday (SOHLS) as a day to celebrate the intrinsic value of all human life. As an act of love in reponse to the 1973, January 22nd Roe v. Wade decision by the Supreme Court to legalize abortion in the United States. Here are some statistic I found interesting....

I'd like to share my story of Sanctity of Life. By no means am I writing this because I am so hero. Far from that. I am writing this story because it is Gods story. He wrote it...and I am thankful for it. It has been an amazing year that has opened my eyes to suffering. Not just burying a child..but burying a dream. Whether a divorce, a friendship gone bad, a loss of a grandparent, loss of a relationship...LOSS. Its everywhere and it hurts!

Last year at this time we were preparing for the arrival of sweet Larson Shawn. Due to the fact that this would be my 5th child and the rest were all c-sections, I needed to "plan" my day. Well all of my other children were born on a day divisible by 7. So for Larson, I wanted the same. I new I wouldn't keep him, but I wanted a day that would be like his siblings. So I told my doctor I would want January 21st. I was full term...he was not growing...he wasn't swallowing...I was retaining fluid. Since I had 4 incisions in my uterus, I need to schedule and be cautious to not have a ruptured uterus. The 2st was perfect...Right.

No! Of course not! Its my plan! So the 22nd of January it was. Some of you also know that I met my friend Aimee back in November. She was having her sweet Sophie Ann...but not for 4 weeks. So we thought. Well due to complications as well, she was sent to the hospital on what day...January 22nd. Yes we had met only 6 weeks before because of our babies and now they were going to have the same birthday. On top of that we found out that evening that they were born on the 35th anniversary of Roe v. Wade. Both babies had fatal conditions..both families made a choice for life...both babies spoke life for their brief life on earth. Both babies brought joy amidst the heartache.

I really do share this story humbly. I can not tell you this has been an easy year..but it has been worth all the pain and if given the circumstance again....I would choose the same thing. LIFE!

I hope to also share at this time that I know that many have not chosen this same route. I am not hear to judge or condemn. Quite honestly my heart aches for you. Aches because you may not be able to share your pain with others around you. You may be walking in silent pain. I pray for your healing as well. I want you to know that there is healing. And that healing comes in the name of Jesus. Yes...the God who is comforting me in my sorrow can comfort you as well. He is the same! For all...yes ALL fall short of the kingdom of God. THERE ARE NONE RIGHTEOUS. If you are reading this blog and this may be you. Please know I love you and am praying for any woman who has made this choice and may be aching inside. If you ever need to talk. I would love to talk. I genuinely mean that. I may not understand all you feel, but I am no better. My story is different, but I struggle with many of the same things.

And if you are a women who is pregnant and unsure if you can walk this road. Whether because your baby has been give a fatal diagnosis, you are a single mom, the pregnancy was unplanned..whatever...please know there are MANY people and organizations that are willing and wanting to help to nurture you and your unborn baby. Do not walk this path alone...you don't have to!

May we all be blessed by Chists healing as we walk through lifes aches and pains.

2009

2009-01-02T10:07:00.000-08:00

Stepping into 2009 with prayers that I would remain steadfast in my faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. Many "resolutions" but only by Gods Grace will I be able to say I can do any of them.....

Waiting to see Gods story continue to unfold in our life. Unsure exactly what that is...but I never did before either. Just seemed like I did because there were not too many detours from "my plan". This year has definitely taught me that although we may have a plan in mind, and desires in our hearts...God still writes the beginning, middle and end to it all. May I rest in that..and that alone!

Not much more to say right now.

God bless you all in 2009!

So now what???

2008-12-25T15:59:00.000-08:00

So we made it through Christmas...Now what?

I've heard..."the first year is the hardest"...ok so now that I made it through this holiday is it suppose to be easier next year. I will be better about not having all my family here with me?

I tried to do alot of online shopping. Maybe it was to avoid the stores. Avoid all the Christmas cheer, when I didn't feel like having it. Well it didn't work. I still had to go to the stores the last couple of day for little things. Exchanging my boys pants and shirts that arrived (of course) in the wrong size. When I get to the stores, what do I see? Baby outfits to match his brothers, baby gifts perfect for him, children and babies and pregnant people all over the place.

Yes there was a time that I was probably "one of those" woman who had it all from the outside. Who know how many passed me by with a heartache and me having my children all around. Sure I look like I have it all....from a worldly perspective. The thing is I really do... I have more then I could ask for Christ and Christ alone. But honestly..my heart is still aching for the baby who we wanted so much.

This Christmas my womb is empty and so are my arms and so is his crib. Yes...not baby here this year to ooh and aah over. To watch as his had his first Christmas. No 1st Christmas outfits or photos. No 1st smiles or laughter. No not here. Not in this house this year. Where life was last year in this house, although in my womb.....there is no trace of it except for the black and white pictures declaring that he was here. He was life on earth for 23 hours.

I am trying to stay focused...focused on the true meaning of Christmas. The baby in the manger. The Son who came to die. This and ONLY this is what is getting me through this year, this season, this trial. Even with this...my heart is hearting deeply. I am smiling because of the grace of God. I am making it through because God has walked with me. As this year comes to an end, and the year anniversary of Larsons life approaches...I am sad and missing him so much.

I do wonder what this year beholds. Will it be more healing or more sadness. I know so many can comment on what that think or hope it will look like...but nobody knows. Will we have joy? Will we have more heartache? Only my Father in heaven knows...so I pray that you continue to pray. Pray that He would continue to equip me day by day or hour by hour. I am in need for an extra dose of Grace from Him and I know He will provide.

So as this season ends...yes I have made it through the year of firsts...but I sure it was with him, rather then without. I am walking this road not because I want to, but because I was called to. I am not always excited about it, but just willing because God is so deserving. Thank you for listening throughout this year. Please don't feel like you need to say anything profound to me right now. I know that God will faithfully give me exactly the wisdom He desires. I don't need advice, I don't need to be fixed...I just need to heal in my own time...In Gods own time. Everyone does it different. Different things help heal...not all stories are the same. But they are all HIStory. Thank you for seeing HIStory unfold in my life. God Bless you all.

I'm Spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this Year

2008-12-23T21:03:00.001-08:00

I see the countless Christmas trees,
Around the world below.
With tiny lights, like heaven's stars,
Reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so spectacular,
Please wipe away that tear.
For I'm spending Christmas,
With Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs,
That people hold so dear.
But the sounds of music can't compare,
With the Christmas choir up here.

For I have no words to tell you,
The joy their voices bring.
For it is beyond description,
To hear the angels sing.

I can't tell you of the splendor,
Or the peace here in this place.
Can you just imagine Christmas,
With our Savior, face to face?

I'll ask Him to light your spirit,
As I tell Him of your love.
So then pray one for another,
As I lift you eyes above.

Please let your hearts be joyful,
And let your spirit sing.
For I'm Spending Christmas in Heaven,
And I'm walking with the King.

~© Wanda Bencke ~

I can only imagine the days you are having with Jesus. Missing you sweet baby boy! I know you are in PERFECT HANDS!

Finding the Right Words!

2008-12-22T14:47:00.001-08:00

Ive really had a hard time finding the right words. Just 11 months ago, I held him in my arms. I touched him, smelled him, loved him. Many thoughts are racing through my head. I am trying to put together Christmas...whatever that means...planning a 9 year olds birthday that is on the 7th of January and also anticipating/planning the 1st birthday of Larson, just without him!

I often find myself thinking of years past. When being in the midst of all this craziness was not so bad. This year its the craziness along with the ache...the sadness...someones missing. Going to the store to get Christmas outfits and seeing all the adorbable outfits for little boys. But I don't need to be in that section, so why am I? I often wonder if I will ever get used to this ache. Will it always be there? Will it go away?. Will it take something else to make me whole again? Will I ever be whole again? So many questions, without answers.

I know that Larson took part of my heart with him. I willingly gave it to him. I want to be reminded of that person in heaven, whom I will one day see and worship Christ with. I want this ache to remain...just not so intense.

Its seems that this season has a lot of reminders of what I am missing. A little boy that will not match his siblings in the Christmas picture, a Christmas ornament with foot prints and hand prints...but no baby, a Christmas ornament with a picture of each of my children...one of the pictures will never change. It will always be the baby we had to give back so soon. We won't have a toddler opening presents. We won't have a brother to wrestle with or watch as he has Christmas. Yep...all of those dreams are dashed. We are left with an empty stocking, a picture instead of a body, a grave marker instead of a nursery.

As I have been getting ready for all that this season has and thinking of what I am missing, its good to slow down and remember what it really is all about. Its not about the presents, or the perfect Christmas picture that won't be, the tree adorned with beautiful lights, its about a perfect Son. Now Larson was perfect to me, but that is not the baby I am talking about. As I think of what God has given to us, I am reminded that nothing could be better. Amongst my aches and pains...God understands them also. He grieved the loss of His Son also.

As I remember Larsons life...I remember lots of kicks and hiccups. I remember praying that God would have mercy on him as we watched him die. We felt Larson live for 9 months, we watched Larson live for 23 hours and then...we watched him die. We watched his last breath, his miracle smile, his chest stop going up and down and then we heard no heartbeat...Yet, God was so merciful. Larson lived well.

Then I think of Christ. God sent His ONE and ONLY Son to die. To die for sinners. Christ was perfect He had done NOTHING wrong and yet He was willing to be a Saviour for sinners like you and me. It says very clearly in the bible:

Romans 3:23
for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.

God is not asking for perfection...He knows we can't do that...He is asking for you to believe. Not in Santa, or that you are good, or that you can become good...No just to believe in Jesus Christ.

Christ came...He did not live a life like Larson. He was mocked and ridiculed. He was put on a cross for an incredibly painful death. All the while God was watching. Could God have stopped the death? Could He have protected His Son? Most certainly...but He was willing to give His Son as a sacrifice for ALL who believed in Him. Christ would take the sin on himself, so we could live eternity with God. No longer separated by sin...

I miss Larson deeply. His life and death point me to Heaven in which I long to be with God for eternity. I hope you all consider the birth of Christ this Christmas while in the craziness of the season. God bless you all!

Happy 4th

2008-12-14T19:53:00.000-08:00

As Prince Caspian!!

Eating his birthday donut!

My sweet little Levi turned 4 today...where did all the time go? He has been a blessing to us and on this birthday we realize what a blessing to have him for 4 entire years. Yes...God granted us a child for more then a day...more then a year...But 4 years.

What a joy he has been! He brings us much laughter and giggles! He is definitely articulate and wants to keep up with all the big kids.

Levis party was full of joy, and giggles, and cake, and dancing, and laughter...all from so many awesome friends! Young and old alike. Thank you again family and friend for walking this year so faithfully with us. Thank you for sharing in our joys and our tears. Levi thanks you also...He had a BLAST!

Here's to 4 years and I hope many more! May God draw Levi to himself at a young age and may my son desire to follow Jesus all the days of his life.

So Proud

2008-12-03T10:53:00.000-08:00

Today my kindergartner went to school. Yes this is a normal activity during the week, but today before he left he asked for a picture to share. An ordinary thing for many, but today Landon was asking for a picture to share with his class of him with Larson. Again ordinary...except that all we have is pictures of his brother. As he asked for this...tears came to my eyes. Tears of joy that Landon loved his brother so much. What a treasure to have a baby bless for 23 hours on earth and yet 10 months later still be such a part of our daily conversations.

So we got the picture of Landon with Larson and off to school he went. I picked him up and as proud as any big brother could be he said.."I shared my baby with the class mom and I told them that he was so sick that he died". Yes child-like faith, child-like love. No shame, no sadness..just simple joy and being proud. As others shared about their new babies in their house, my Landon was proud to share the brother the was here for only a day...want a day that was. Never to be forgotten.

I am proud of my sweet little boy. Proud for his love of his brother. I am so incredibly thankful for his teacher who was so willing to have her student share about the baby that died. Our children's school has been so incredible...can't say it enough..with our story. They are never surprised that we still talk about our son, rather then are comfortable talking about him also.

I am sad that he can not take his brother to class to show him off, but thankful that although he is not here in our home...he will ALWAYS be in our hearts. Oh the simplicity of a child!!

Thanksgiving

2008-11-28T18:34:00.000-08:00

Enjoying my family. It was a nice blessing to venture to Vail to enjoy one another this year. Last year we were still able to enjoy Larson although we knew his life would end on this earth soon. This Thanksgiving brought much to ponder, much to be thankful for. As we continue to move forward, by Gods enormous Grace, we have learned that there is much to be thankful for. I pray this year that we continue to cling to Gods promises. Although we never know what tomorrow will bring, I can say that through this year I know God remains.

Of course I continue to wrestle with many thoughts. Thankfully God is so patient. I pray that I will take each day as it comes and not get ahead of myself. I hope to cherish each moment with the children I still have. To keep my thoughts captive and to battle my fears and anxieties. Praying to trust Him more, love Him more, and know Him more.

10 months! Missing him!

2008-11-22T08:25:00.000-08:00

I never thought I would be 10 months out and still having some hard days. It definitely seems the waves are further apart, but they still come crashing down at moments I don't expect.

The last couple of days were good. I substituted in my sons class...kindergarten. Well if those sweet children can't do a heart good...I don't know what will. Good to be around the light-hearted, free-spirited, honest-speaking, belly-laughing, adorable 5 and 6 year olds. It really was good for my heart. Kept me busy (not sure how I EVER taught full time) but then when the business stops, well then what do I do....THINK! No good at times.

Then...I woke up this morning so heavy...really not sure why. I feel like I could fall apart. My heart is heavy. The tears are on the surface. I am sad!

As I looked at the date it seemed so odd..yet not...that once again the 22nd has approached. This date brings smiles to my face as I remember my time with Larson, but can also bring me to deep sadness. The holidays are fast approaching and someone is not here. For some I know it seems odd that I would ache for my baby 10 months later and that I only new him for 9 months and 23 hours. I think the thought would have seemed difficult for me to understand as well...a couple of years ago. Grief is hard for those on the outside to understand. I also know that we have amazing friends...that although you may not understand. You have been so patient with all my emotions.

So on the weekend before Thanksgiving, I wanted to remind myself of all the things I am Thankful for... Harder when your heart is heavy, but no less important.

Growing up we went around the table to say what we are thankful for. I am sure I meant every word of what I said, but the understanding this year is entirely different.

So what am I thankful for?...
I am thankful for a husband who has stood by my side

I am thankful that our marriage has withstood a heavy test

I am thankful for my 5 children and all they have taught me, and continue to!

I am thankful for my friends Laura and Aimee, who I didn't know a year ago, put were an amazing gift from the Lord during this time! God does provide!

I am thankful I am not in my bed with covers over my head...IM serious!

I am thankful for the soberness of death, and the miracle of life

I am thankful for MANY friends who have been SOOO patient

Most importantly...I am thankful for Jesus Christ who died on the Cross for sinners like me.

I know I have said this many times, but on this Thanksgiving I would like to reiterate my thankfulness to my family and friends. I never new how I would handle a trial so incredibly deep. Quite honestly, Im glad I didn't. My faith has been tested and tried. I have been stretched and pulled. I am not who I was before but I can say my friendships are not either. They have been proven to be some of the best. They have grown deeper and fuller with much more openness, honesty and depth. I know I have been an emotional wreck at times and then in an instance, smiling. You must think I have gone crazy...well I have a little bit...but through the waves you have been there for my family. Words do not say enough for the gratitude I feel for your loyalty and help. Thank you for sticking by us in the good and the bad. You have encourage us and cheered us on. You have talked about Larson and you are ok with my tears. You don't think that I am crazy (at least I hope not) when I still talk about Larson. You are fine with my tears and my smiles. You have shown us such unconditional love and so family and friends.........I AM SOOO THANKFUL for what God has unfolded this year through my sons life.

He has shown me..life and death, hope and joy, sadness an tears, soberness and questions and answers, a new limp, a genuine smile, amazing giggles, incredible 23 hours, pain and suffering, laughter and love, faithfulness and sincerity and loyally. I have been tested, but my faith is stronger then ever. God is true to His promises even in pain. He has given those who receive the biggest gift of all...His Son Jesus Christ. God has stayed the same through it all. As I continue to change..He remains..and so does His promise.

Thank you for reading, thank you for listening. I guess this post shows the ups and downs...

Another picture...I can never get tired of looking our family!

I AM THANKFUL

Finding Joy!

2008-11-16T19:18:00.000-08:00

I have to say...
I am finding new Joy...
Even in my pain!

Continuing this path with God at my side,
Who could ask for more?

Today was a good day.
Things are not always so raw.
I feel I am embracing the new me and not feeling the need to hurry.
Embracing the good, the bad and challening.

I know God is getting us through.
I know that our story will be exactly what He wants.
I know I want that story too..whatever it is.

Finding Joy...
It looks different to me now,
It looks exactly as God would want.

Losing Your Life

2008-11-14T19:34:00.000-08:00

You may...or may not...have noticed from my last post that one of my struggles is figuring out, WHATS NEXT! I ache for my baby still...that has not gone away. It may not be as deep or as intense or for the whole day, but it is there. I ache to hold him. I certainly did not imagine the pain to be like this. This time last year I was just so tormented by the reality that I would watch my son die. I certainly thought that would be the hardest part. Well to my surprise, I just ache! Ache so much!

Yes I would love a baby to hold...my own baby. And not just a baby for me, but also for my kids as well. They were so excited for a brother or sister and now they are left with some of the same questions. Why did God take our baby? Will we have another one? Its not just me that lost Larson...my husband and kids did also. We are all navigating this journey in different ways. They all held him, kissed him loved him. They all picked out a webkin for their brother. They all put in on his casket. They all wept. The loss changed all of us, and brought us all questions. It seems one of my kids has one at least everyother day, or they talk about Larson. Hes on all of our minds.

So tonight while reading in "The One Year Book of Hope" by Nancy Guthrie. For those of you who have not read about her (many have who have lost children), she lost 2 of her own children. Anyway, I came upon this devotion. Not by accident I tell you...for God is good to take me right where I need to be. I want to share it with you. Its as though she was talking straight to me....I take no credit for this post. I just thought it would be easier and it seems she is much more eloquent then I!

If you cling to your life, you will lose it; but if you give it up for me, you will find it.---Matthew 10:39
Last weekend I called a young woman who wrote to me after losing her firstborn son, who lived two days before dying in her arms. His genetic abnormality is likely to repeat itself in future children she and her husband may have. "I want to be a mother," she wrote to me. "I want to have purpose and meaning in my life. I want to move on with whatever God has for me---but I don't know how to do any of these things. How do I mourn the possibility that I will never have a child of my own, when that has been my heart's greatest desire for as long as I remember?"
We had a precious conversation, but I could tell that the high cost of what I was calling her to do---no, what Jesus is calling her to do---was staggering. Jesus calls us to abandon our own agendas, what we have deemed will please and fulfill us, so that we can embrace the kind and quality of life that only He gives. This is not about adding Jesus to the life we are living. This is about making Jesus our life. This about putting our plans for our lives to death so that the abundant life he offers has room to take root and grow. And death is always painful. This is not an extreme brand of discipleship only for go-getter's. This is the call for everyone who chooses to be a follower of Jesus.
The problem is, we don't really believe that God's plan for our lives could be better than the one we've crafted. We don't believe we could be as fulfilled by the life he offers as we would be by the one we've planned. It takes a step of faith to believe God will supply satisfying life now and when we die.
"Your son has given you an incredible gift," I told this grieving mom. "He has given you the gift of being forced to reconsider the very purpose of your life. Those who are sailing through a comfortable life at this point have not yet been forced to carefully consider their lives and surrender their dreams. But because you have been shaken to the core, you see clearly that if you cling to your own plans and desires, you will never discover freedom and joy found in losing your life for Jesus."

All I can say is.....AMEN Ms Guthrie...well said. Its exactly what I have been thinking and exactly what I need to hear and beg God for....Give me eyes of faith to see how beautiful and satisfying my life will be as I die to myself and live for you. Yes the story is different in that I DO have kids with me, but the loss of the child is not about what you do have its about walking through the valley to discover what God is teaching through the trial. May I not miss it...Larsons life, though my 5th, was not in vain. It was not to be covered or band-aided by all the at leasts of what I do have. Yes we are to be thankful, but I know his life was more then that. I am not suppose to be stuck in tangibles. This has been hard. The balance of being so grateful and yet wrestling with my pain. Wondering if we will ever have a baby to hold or if Gods will is for us to move forward without another child...a sibling for my children to dote on, a sibling to watch grow up with. Maybe God wants our family to just use Larsons life however that may be without anything additional. Knowing my story will be what God wants, not what I want and not what other stories are. The tapestry is so big from above...would love a glimpse!

Thank you Larson for making my life uncomfortable, for making me have to wrestle with my thoughts, for discovering that life is not always as planned, that I look at your sister and brothers differently, that we have learned, and continue to learn more and more, that I have been shaken to my core to the point that I want to speak to God and have a relationship with him and not just a religion. Thank you God for the story you are making. May I be at peace rather then anxious. May I be present in the day, not needing to know about tomorrow.

Where does my help come from???

2008-11-10T14:58:00.001-08:00

....my help come from YOU
....Maker of Heaven
...Creator of the Earth.

I have to ask myself often...Is this enough? Is the Creator of the Earth enough for me? Is my redemption in Christ enough for me, or do I need more? If only I had...then I would be satisfied. Then once again I have to ask...Who am I to ask for more or ask for something different? That is essentially saying, "God you messed up, I trust you are in control, I trust you are the Creator of the Earth and all that is in it, but I had a better plan then you" Ok! Yikes that is scary to think I would say that, yet honestly that is what we are saying when we are asking for something different or for something more

When Steve and I got married we always said we wanted a lot of kids. We "planned to have a lot of kids. Even saying boys, girls, etc. Although we always said it was Gods plan that was so easy to do! We began having children right away and 4 HEALTHY, UNCOMPLICATED, PERFECT babies in 5 years. Yep, easy to say God was good and in control right? Everything was going just as planned.I mean how hard is it to thank God and trust God, when the story is exactly as you want.

After Levi we were told to wait a year to have more children. I had already had 4 c-sections and so it would be best to let my body healed. Seemed easy. We could do it. We wanted to wait anyway and we would try again when we were ready. Seems to silly to me know. Who did I think I was? I am not trying to sound condesending, yet I find myself in awe as I look back at some of our thoughts and ideas, all the while trusting God.

So our “quest” for more children and ultimatly OUR desire began in August of 2006. I got pregnant but it ended up in miscarriage. How could this happen I thought. Well I trusted the Lord and after a couple months we were "suprised" to be pregant only to result in another miscarriage. What was going on I thought? We continued to try and when I got pregnant in May of 2007, I thought for sure this would be the successful pregnancy we wanted. Healthy baby and all. Girl for Emma...you name it. Everyone had their story for me about their miscarriage and their subsuqent succesful pregnancy. How God took their baby and that as a result they had the one in their arms. Thats what I was waiting for...THAT story!

Well my pregnancy was successful with Larson, but not by human definition. We got our baby we had been waiting for for 2 years, but only for a moment. What was this story and where did it come from. I knew from the moment I got the news that, yes, this story came from the same Hand that gave me my other children. Only this time and new I would be giving him back. Probably my worst nightmare...yet I was living it.

I am still in awe of the story we have been givin. Often sad that I only had him for a short time, yet so grateful for the mighty Hand of God in it. I am told I am strong...let me tell you, I AM NOT! I have never been weaker...yet stronger in my faith in the Lord Jesus Christ who can take away our pain.

So where am I going with this? Well after 2 years of loss and heartache I have had to ask myself, will I be healed from this heartache? Will my story have a happy ending...whatever that is? Where is redemption.

As I look up redemption in the dictonary this is what I found...
Redemption means:
1. an act of redeeming or the state of being redeemed.
2. deliverance; rescue.
3. Theology. deliverance from sin; salvation.
4. atonement for guilt.
5. repurchase, as of something sold.
6. paying off, as of a mortgage, bond, or note.
7. recovery by payment, as of something pledged

As I look at everyone of these points I think of the same thing…Christ. Christ is my redemption. He was my redeption before time, before marriage, before children, before Larson. AND He still is. According to the definitions...and many scriptures...He came to redeem ME, not give me more. He came to deliver me, He came to save me from sin and condemnation. He came to atone for me, He came to purchase me, He came to pay my debt, He came to take the payment. No where is scripture have I found that because of loss, God owes me something more. Hasn’t He given me enough? I think for so long I have waited for the pain to be turned into dancing…which of course in my plan was with a baby…a healthy baby to be exact.

As of late my challenge is to just step foot into each day with faith knowing God is there and the plan has been written. I have no power to make a decision of what I want tomorrow to look like...if I did I can tell you it would look mightly different then it does now. I would have more healthy children in my pictures. So what am I saying or maybe what am I asking? What does our future hold? Sure wish I knew yet trusting to just live for the moment with what God has given me. To take my thoughts captive as they tend to go to fear and anxiety and praying for more joy IN CHRIST and more trust each moment of the day

Friends…I have been humbled to my core, taken down to my knees (where I should be) and as hard as it has been…I hope that my desire is to seek Gods will for me and my family every moment of the day. I really mean Gods will, not mine. Mine would be more healthy children.

Will healing come? Yes...maybe not completely on this side of eternity. Maybe a little wound/scar is good. Keeps me sober, keeps my eyes on Christ...the only comforter. I pray that I will REALLY trust God with His plan. Whether with a child or without, with Mr. Obama as our President, with possible wars or terrist threats, with economy ups and downs, finacial security or financial woes, ...Whatever it is...May I trust the God where all our help and securtiy comes form.

James 1:2-8
2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; 8he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.

When trials come

2008-11-08T15:00:00.000-08:00

I love the music by Keith and Kristin Getty....This is just another one to add to my collection. I hope you enjoy it. I pray this prayer often. Turn off the music below, and enjoy. Puts a smile on my face, I hope it does yours also.

He is still on His Throne!

2008-11-05T05:23:00.000-08:00

Our God reigns!!!

Yes He does. I take great comfort in knowing that God is in control.
He was in control when He formed the stars and the ground and the animals and MAN!
He was in control when He raised kings that honored Him and when they did not.
He was in control when I was born, got married, had children and...
He was in control when Larson was created and born on January 22, 2008---the
35th Anniversary of Right to life day, no mistake there? Right?

He has never lost control. I truly know God already knew who would win last nigght! I am comfortable that I voted for a man who would aligned with my beliefs about life,a man that understands what it means to fight and protect our country. That man did not win. I stuck by my convictions and what God has called us to in His Word.

That being said I will be praying for our President and the leadership in this country that were elected. I will pray for the decisions they will be having to make. I will continue to pray for the protection of all the unborn children.

I continue to trust that our God reigns. My hope remains the same as it did the day I found out my son would not live on this earth, for the 17 weeks that I carried him unto his death and the day I had to say good-bye. My hope is in the only thing that will never change and will walk with me through the valleys and the peaks. That hope is in Christ. Life will continue to have its peaks and valleys, but I will continue to trust Him, obey Him and put my hope in Him and Him only. I will continue to know that He is

Our God reigns! Nothing is hidden from Him!

Conversations with Levi

2008-10-27T20:08:00.000-07:00

Today Levi (my 3 year old) and I had the following conversations. I had to share it...

Levi: Mom, we have 5 kids in our family.

Me: Yes and Larson is with Jesus. What do you think he is doing?

Levi: Playing with Pearl and Sophie.

Me: Yes probably. Hes probably having so much fun.

Levi: Why didn't you die with Larson...you should've!

Me: Why should I have dies also?

Levi: Because you were with him.

Me: Well..I was not sick though. He was in my tummy and he came out, but we knew he was a sick little man.

Levi: Well we should have brought him home to make him feel better.

Me: Well we knew that he did not have his brain and that he would not be able to live.

Levi: Well you should have taken him to the doctor so he could be better.

Me: We did talk to the doctor, but there was nothing we could do.

Levi: Well I still think we should have got him home fast....then he would be better.

Oh out of the mouth of babes. Levi LOVES talking about his brother and I think every worker from target to walmart to the outlet mall knows about Larson. Any comment pertaining to "how many kids we have..." Levi will always make sure they know about "Larson, my brother who died!" Amazing the effect Larson had on his siblings. Although small...his life was large!

Some Days...

2008-10-26T20:29:00.001-07:00

Some days are just hard...
Without warning...
Without explanation...
Without reason...

Some days just hurt!

Missing my son. Remembering my my time with him (9 months and 23 hours) and my time without him (9 months and 3 days).

Praying for an extra dose of comfort tonight from the greatest Comforter there is. Holding on to Christ...even in my sadness!

Walk to Remember

2008-10-16T17:15:00.000-07:00

I wanted to take the opportunity to post some pictures from last weekends Walk to Remember in Colorado. I signed up awhile ago, but as it approached and the weather looked gloomy, I was wavering over whether I should go at all. I didn't want to make my husband go if he didn't feel comfortable and I wasn't sure about my kids. I am not sure why it became a big decision...everything seems to be for me lately. A little indecisive...a little preoccupied.

Anyway, I expressed this to a dear friend and she decided to contact a few friends to meet me (my kids all wanted to go) and walk in honor of Larson. I can not tell you how blessed I was (and Steve) to have friends walk beside me. I would like to thank them each for walking with my family...not just on Saturday but since October 2nd.

With that being said, there were MANY others that I know I could have called on as well to walk. Next time I'll plan better! I continue to praise God for the MANY faithful friends He has put...and kept...in our lives during this time. Some are new friends..Aimee and Laura!, and my blogger friends!...although it doesn't seem that way, Others are old friends (family is included in this! Our families rock!) and some are friends I have known for awhile but our friendships have grown deeper and stronger. Thank you to each and everyone of you from the bottom of my hearts. Words just don't say enough..but I try.

I know at times it has not been easy for either of us. Often we don't know what to say to one another. There has been times of awkwardness and yet you have been willing to be awkward. There were times you don't know what to say and yet you listened. There were times you just wanted to fix it (THANK YOU! I WISH!) and yet you were satisfied to pray and just hold our hands. There were times I didn't return calls or emails and yet you continued to leave loving messages or continue to offer help. I know you all were probably exhausted as well, confused, sad and burdened. You have helped carry it with us just being doing what you did...persevering with us! You didn't give up on us. You walked with us. I could go on and on...hopefully you all get the point! THANK YOU

Please excuse my look...Denver was raining and it just doesn't work with naturally curly hair. I know pretty vain to tell you this!

October 15th is pregnancy and infant loss awareness day

2008-10-13T12:06:00.000-07:00

I have never thought about this before...probably because I never had to. This year is different. As I write this I want those around me to think of others who may have gone through loss either recently or even years ago. I think people may think that because a child died either young, or a while ago that the pain just goes away. It no different then someone with an illness that they didn't ask for. Families who lose children did not ask for this story...yet they are living it. They are survivors...God is so good!

Well as a mother now of a baby that left us far sooner then we had hoped...the pain is still here, and yet I am a survivor. I choose to move forward and enjoy my children each and every day. I choose to think of Larson and talk about him because I love him the same. The pain is different now, it doesn't sting as much, but the reality is...my son is gone and I miss him. I mourn the death of my son and yet I know how very blessed I am to have been "chosen" to carry this precious baby. To give him a name...to give him life...to watch miracles unfold before my eyes...Larson will forever be our baby and for that I feel like one blessed mommy. The pain has been worth it and the change in my life as well. I continue to pray how God will guide me and my family, into the future and how we will be able to use the heartache and joy from this year to help others who may also be feeling a loss of some sort. I continue to step into each day by the Grace of God with hope and perseverance to enjoy what God has given me. At times it is not easy. I have to step forward without someone...but we are going to honor Larsons life by doing this.

I ask you to be aware of those around you. Often it is obvious who is sick, but it is not so obvious to see a persons heartache. The loss of a child is difficult. I hope that through this journey I have been able to express my thoughts and emotions so some of my family and friends can understand this journey. Not everyone will do it the same, some may not ache as long or even hurt the same. Its not up to you to decide what it should look like. Just be there when your friend needs you however that may look without expectations. As a mom whose son is gone...I always enjoy him being acknowledged and hearing his name. He was here if even for a day! He will NEVER be forgotten!

Our Family of 7...for a day!

Not much to say!

2008-10-07T19:16:00.000-07:00

Ive tried to sit down a few times to type and I just feel like I have so many thoughts in my head and its just so hard to sit down and write them down. I know my posts may at times be choppy and this will be some of the same.

I have my good days and then my bad ones. I am not ever sure why they are the way they are...except that I am sure the many prayers and the additional grace from God makes the difference.

I continue to walk through the fire (i...there is no where else to go. I will take the joy and the pain when I have to although quite honestly I wish to avoid it.

My tears still come, maybe just not as often. There is something about tears that makes it feel better. It seems just yesterday we found out about Larson and yet it also seems like so far away that I held his beautiful little body in my arms.

I sit here tonight with sadness. I really am tired at night, but I have a hard time relaxing! I know that Gods mercies are new everyday so I am praying for a good day tomorrow. I am going on a field trip with Luke...what else could be better then spending some time with my kids.

We continue to be so grateful for all of you who have walked along side us...so well AND so patiently. Sure wish I could tell you what this will look like tomorrow, or in a week or a month or a year...But I can't. So for those who have let us be who we need to be...THANK YOU!

Who Knew???

2008-10-02T19:14:00.000-07:00

Who knew 365 days ago that TUESDAY would be a harder day then today?
Who knew 365 days ago that I would have a peace TODAY that I can not explain?
Who knew 365 days ago that LARSON would not be in my home but his heavenly home?
Who knew 365 days ago that we would be walking this story?
Who knew 365 days ago how many tears I would shed?
Who knew 365 days ago that I would have a marker at a cemetery?
Who knew 365 days ago what each day would look like?
Who knew 365 days ago that so many would be praying for my family?
Who knew 365 days ago who would walk this journey with us?
Who knew 365 days ago just where Larsons story would go?
Who knew my story before I did?

God knew. God knew 365 days ago. God knew before time my story...His story. My faithful Father in Heaven knew all of this. My God who knew that He would have to sacrifice His one and ONLY Son. My God who put His Son, who had no sin, on the cross to pay for sin. He is the same today as He was Yesterday. And He will be the same tomorrow.

Psalm 23:4
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For you are WITH me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

My friend Aimee said it so well in her own blog. The signnificance of this date(October 2nd) is big because its the day we lost Larson. Without a brain, without an amazing miracle we knew what we were headed for. We lost our dream, we lost our plan, we lost our son...but we have not lost hope. We did have 17 more weeks with him but the weight was great. I can only say that IT IS Gods grace that has us where we are today...Still Believing!

I can say today...with confidence and through tears and sorrow and joy...I STILL BELIEVE!
Jeremy Camp wrote this song following the death of his wife of less then a year. She died of cancer in her early 20's. They knew before they got married that her cancer was back, he loved her well...he loved her to the end...AND he can stil say he believes in the same God he believed in before this heartache. I love the words!

Unprepared

2008-09-30T17:17:00.000-07:00

Today was a rough day and I found myself unprepared for it. I always thought "THE DAY" would be the hardest and for us the date was October 2nd. Although today was hard. We found out about Larson on a Tuesday. The air seemed similar as did the weather. I did many of the same things and it felt similar. I guess as I went through the day it seemed surreal. Surreal because at times I still feel like I have lived a dream. I began to consider my life a year ago...365 days....

On this day a year ago, I never imagined that....
I would be visiting my son at a cemetery rather then waking him from a nap
I would be planning a funeral rather then a nursery
That I would pick out an outfit to bury my son in rather then a "take home outfit"
That I would be making decisions for a birth plan that was 3 pages long
That I would enter into suffering more then I could ever imagine
I would find out that my baby was a boy and that he would die...all at the same time.
That I would go into a hospital to have a baby and walk out with empty arms
That I would have only 23 hours with my son
That I would have a tattoo with my sons foot on my foot
Friendships would change...some are stronger, some are weaker
That I would feel uncomfortable in situations that I have always felt comfortable
That death would be real to me because it has know come to my house
I would see my husband as an even stronger man then I did before
That I would be so weak and yet seek Christ more

But...I can also say that one year later...
I love God more then I did before
I hope to know God more intimately each and every day
I do not find tears as a weakness
I desire to have intimate and real relationships rather then just surface
I hope to comfort others as they may walk this path
I live every day knowing it very well could be my last
I try to intentionally spend time with my children
I am learning to embrace the pain of loss rather then run from it
I walk with a limp and am not ashamed
We have amazing friends who have walked so well with us no matter our emotions.
We have friends who are willing to love us unconditionally as Christ has
We have amazing family who have supported us well.
Our family and friends are willing to let us grieve the way we need to, and have put no boundries on the time or what it should look like...Thank you.

Life changed for me and my family on October 2nd, 2007. We laugh different, we smile different, we rejoice different, we see things different...and I am thankful for the change.

I do miss the old Corie sometimes..the care free spirit, the "ignorance", the innocence, the thoughts...but I am thankful that God has shown me that this life is marked by suffering and that our trust in Christ will bring us to an eternity where there will no longer be sadness and tears.

I want to reassure people..for those who have commented on their concerns...I am not depressed, just more sober-minded. I am doing fine. I am not defeated, I have been strengthen. Gods mercies are new every day and He has been so faithful to give them.

I take each day as it comes as I know that is all I am guaranteed. Because I am not the same does not mean that I am not OK. Rather I know that God gave me this time for a reason. The purpose I may never know. But just as Jacob wrestled with God and came out with a limp...I too am changed. I will walk with a limp while rejoicing that God has been faithful to walk with me (sometimes carry me) as He has promised, wrestling me while reminding me that He is worthy to be Praised. With that said...THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL THE LOVE YOU HAVE GIVEN TO MY FAMILY!

Turn off the songs below and listen. A song by Steven Curtis Chapman. A song I love to hear and worship with. I believe you Lord...You are good...You are worthy to be praised...You are with us...You are faithful.

October 2nd!

2008-09-27T09:03:00.001-07:00

Today is not October 2nd...yet! But this date is heavy on my heart and my mind. It is the day that I will never forget...a day that changed our lives and our family forever. The day I found out that the baby we so wanted would not live with us on earth for very long. The day God began to show me my weaknesses and my utter dependence on His strength.

I got pregnant in May of 2007 following two miscarriages in 2006. The miscarriages rocked me because I had had four healthy children close together with no problems. I say this with complete humbleness now. I don't think I ever pondered the reality of loss. I never had anything like this before. So in my ignorance (yes I believe that is what it is) I entered into each pregnancy with the expectation that I would have a healthy baby in 9 months.

when I got pregnant in May of 2007 I actually pondered for the first time if this baby may not be ok. I know that this was absolutely the Holy Spirit preparing me for what was to come. I hesitated telling people my news and I chalked my hesitation up to not wanting to hear people say things about having a 5th child. In reality, I was just so concerned about the baby. I also thought maybe my hesitance was because it was following my miscarriages. But deep down it was more then that. Something just didn't seem right.

In July of 2007 we went to the beach with some friends. As I talked on the beach with my friend, I shared my concerns with her. She of course encouraged me and and said it was probably nothing. I shared my concerns with my sister in law who is a doctor and of course Steve. All of them passed it off as nothing...just my weakness of worrying (which I did a lot of anyway). Still I knew it was something different.

October 2nd was a date I put up on our white board calender. The calender we wipe days off as we go. My kids were excited about the baby and could not wait to find out if it was a boy or a girl. So as October 2nd rolled around I told Steve that although we talked about having Emma come, I was concerned (yes again) that if something was wrong she would be in the room. He thought it would be fine.

October 2nd finally came and with a nervous stomach, my husband and yes Emma in tow we went to the OB/GYN's office to have my "routine" ultrasound at 20 weeks. I sat staring at the other women with their ultrasound pictures and I could not get rid of my nervousness.

We were called back to the room...and our life was soon to turn upside down or whatever you want to call it. The ultrasound tech had been there for years. She did the ultrasound for all of my other children. Therefore I could tell by her voice, and body language...something was terribly wrong. After many minutes (seemed like hours) we went to see the doctor. Of course my doctor was out of town. My doctor has known me my whole life, his dad delivered me and my siblings and my mom grew up with him. Needless to say the doctor had a horrible, stoic look on her face.

The doctor proceeded to tell us she had some concerns. Our baby had A LOT of fluid in his head, fluid in his chest cavity. She was sending us to a Level II ultrasound right away. All of this was new for me and the panic set in. I left the office barely able to stand up. Steve though it may be fixable...I on the other hand new it was bad.

The next day...which seemed like forever..we went to the next appointment. It is during this appointment that we found out that our baby would not live for long if at all. We will never know if Larson had lung or heart issues because we did not want to do further testing, but based on the amount of fluid in the chest we were told that most likely something was going on. The most severe issue was his brain or lack of one I should say. I write know with tears following as I remember the details of this day. Details that will be etched in my mind forever. Memories that I want to hang on to and yet some I wish I could let go of.

I ask for prayer as we go through this week. I have continue to walk with trust in my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, but with that hope I have also had MANY tears. I want to take this opportunity to that many family and friends that have been willing to let us walk through this journey the way God intended us to...without a time line, without expectations, with tears and questions yet with hope and trust. I have found so many of you to be MORE then I expected you to be. I know that I am not the same person I was a year ago. I grieve the loss of my ignorance, my care free spirit and the joy that I found in life...Yet I rejoice in the mercies God gives me each day...I rejoice in what Christ did on the cross...I rejoice in my sober mindedness that I am not guaranteed even one more day....I rejoice in who God is molding me into. Yes with much heartache, sadness, tears, weariness and loss of much, I DO STILL REJOICE IN CHRIST. He is still my hope, He is still my all and all. He is what I so desire to live my life for.

I continue to covet your prayers as we go through our process of grieve...whatever it may look like and for however long it may be....THANK YOU!

Tonights update!

2008-09-22T20:26:00.000-07:00

Thank you all for praying. Nathan is out of surgery and doing well! He is talking and responding. Praise God for this. The doctors were unsure what would be affected based on where the tumor was located. That being said, the surgeon was very encouraged. He said that "he accomplished everything he set out to do, draining the fluid and getting to the tumor and biopsying it." Please continue to pray for this family as they need much rest to continue on in this journey however it may look. Of course continue to pray that the tumor is NOT cancerous and that God would spare the life of this sweet little boy. Thank you again for your prayers on this families behalf!

Pray for Monday

2008-09-21T19:55:00.000-07:00

I am writing tonight...Sunday evening to request more prayer for our friends...
Nathan will be having surgery tomorrow (Monday) at 12:30 pm MST. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE be praying. At this point I know that the tumor has wrapped itself around the optic nerve and the pituitary gland. Obviously these are things that you don't want hurt more. I believe the doctors are going to go in and try to drain the fluid from the tumor since it seems they will not be able to take it out. This is the information I know right now.
So please pray for
1. strength for the family...they have 3 other children who are walking this path with them
2.peace that surpasses all understanding while waiting for the surgery
3.the surgeons hands to be able to successfully do what they are intending to do.
4. a miracle that the tumor is not cancerous, smaller then they think and could be removed
I appreciate all your prayers on this families behalf. I will keep you post...until then thank you!

Urgent Prayer Request

2008-09-19T16:34:00.001-07:00

Dear fellow bloggers/readers,
I would covet your prayers for a friend of mine. Without giving out names...because we know our good God knows everything going on.
My friends son (5 years old) was taken to the doctor because of concerns that he was having numbing in his hand and foot. After further testing the doctors have told them that the little boy has a brain tumor. He will have an operation on Monday to remove the tumor. I don't know all the details, but I do know that prayer works when we feel fear, concern and questions. Please pray for this family as they have just recieved this diagnosis. For peace, for direction, for comfort and especially for an amazing healing if God so desires. I appreciate your prayers in advance. I'll keep you posted!

Questions????

2008-09-04T19:41:00.000-07:00

The last few weeks have been busy, but not without alot of emotions.
Emma, Luke and Landon all started school. I continue to pray about our decision with schooling. I miss my children immensely during the day, but right now we feel that being at this school is the best for them.

Having Levi at home has been a blessing, but I can't help but think of how thinks were suppose to be! Yes I can totally trust a God who is in control of all things. He determines the length of life and He is the writer of my story, but in my humanness, it is difficult to let things go. I have had my fair share of tears these last few weeks. Although that probably is not surprising. As Emma told me, the bottle God is holding with my tears is as big as Daddy's building!

My children continue to work through their own grief. Some are stuffers, so are talkers, so are sharers, it just depends. With six of us working through this...we see alot. Emma told me she doesn't like to see me cry and I reminder her...I cry when she and her brothers go to school. I just love them soooo much. The joy I get when they return is great. I didn't have that with Larson. He left, but will not return. I rejoice I don't have to worry about him, but I weep because I want to hold him.

I am constantly feeling like someone is missing, and he is. But I know that no matter how hard I try, things will not change. I remind myself often that God has shown me this year that I am in control of NOTHING! Ok, I can plan dinner, try to clean, get out of bed, etc. I have choices to make each day, but ultimately I firmly believe each and every day of my life has been determined.

So being able to say this and believe this is good, but I would be lying if I said that my days are still not filled with MANY questions. The whys, whats, when, where, what ifs, etc. And to be honest with you, there are still many days that I am emotionally exhausted by the end of the day. Fighting joy and grief at the same time seems to be so taxing. Staying in the moment with my 4 precious children and reliving and thinking of my son I miss SO deeply.

I often find myself remembering my thought while I was pregnant. I certainly thought the pregnancy and knowing Larson was going to be with us for such a short time had to be the worst part. Thankfully God did not reveal to me the path of grief I would go on after the death. Having only experience death with a grandparent I had nothing to compare it to. Don't get me wrong that is hard, but having your own flesh and blood be delivered from your womb and immediately watch him fade away...well its beyond words to express. Difficult, pain full, surreal, heart wrenching. I wish I could describe it better...I just can't. There is nothing to compare it to, although many have decided to let me know what would be the "hardest" thing to go through. Whether the time with a loved one is moments, minutes, hours, days, months or years...when are we ever prepared to say good-bye. We aren't. Even thought it seems I should have been prepared...I wasn't.

So here I am almost 8 months out and I can say that time helps lift the cloud above my head at times, but even that can still shift from time to time. I am still blind-sided by emotions that I seems to be fine with for a longer period of time. I can be laughing with my kids and next minute want to run to my bed and cry. I can be relaxing for bed and the next minute be so anxious I can't sleep.

I know that God continues to walk by my side, even though there are times I still feel very much alone. Yes even in a room with many, or house full of kids, or sitting next to my incredible husband. Grief can make you lonely. You have to walk on your own path alone (with God) no matter how many want to hold your hand.

So as I continue to ask God questions, some the same as 10 months ago, some very different I am reminded that He is our Father in heaven who wants to hear from us. As a second grade teacher I had students asking many questions. As they enter each new grade there is so much more to learn. Well I find it no different as a child of God, a believer in Christ...although I have professed faith for 12 years and I have read the bible and know the stories....I have SO much more to learn. I highly doubt that God who says "come to me all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give your rest (Matthew 11:28) would reject our questions. He is asking us simply to come and follow Him, He promises to walk with us until the end, He doesn't always give us the answers we want but He desires to listen, to love, to comfort, to encourage. So as a child/student, I will continue ask my questions to a faithful Father and I will not be ashamed that I don't have this all down. How could He mold me the way He wants.

Often I think I should be walking through my days laughing instead of crying, and yet there is no right way to do this and no wrong way. There is no time frame, no expectations...but to come. I do find rest in the Fathers arms, I trust Him fully with my life and with the outcome of things, I do know He keeps His promises and makes no mistakes, I do know He will listen at anytime, I do know that Christ died for my sins and I can't imagine the life and death He live for me, I do trust because God deserves my trust...but I still have questions! And I know with time these questions will make me know Him more.

Season!

2008-08-30T06:38:00.000-07:00

I wanted to first share this pictures of my children...and their Larson bear! My friend Tamara took incredible pictures for me. Check out her blog if you are in the Denver area! Abbys life song! Although I weep for my son who is gone, I cherish the children I have. I feel I need to make that clear. Many have commented that...At least I have 4 children! Yes I do here...but I actually have 1 who is not with us and his life was no less significant. My children loved him so well and so much. They still draw family pictures with him in it. The grief process has also had to be walked through by each one of my children. Yes children are resilant, but I have found that because my children are a range of ages and personalities they have handled it in very different ways. We are grateful as parents to be walking with them however they feel they need to.

So here is my original thoughts!!
What a beautiful season we are entering, yet difficult season. For me at least. Fall is so beautiful with the amazing colors and the crisp air. But fall has been different for me for the last couple of years and now its a season I enter with bittersweet emotions.

In September of 2006 we had a miscarriage.

In October of 2007 we found out our son would not live. The rest of the season was spent cherishing the time we had with him while in the womb, but also preparing ourselves for a untimely funeral.

We celebrated Thanksgiving and Christmas with Larson, Levis Birthday and Emmas Birthday! We rejoiced to have him with us, but also felt the time ticking. I know there was always a possibility of healing, but to be honest I truly believe the Lord was preparing me the entire time to submit to His perfect will. That perfect will would not be healing on earth.

So as we step foot into September, I seem to have a lump in my throat. I have felt SO much of the Lords grace during this season of time. He has given us strength we never thought we had. I remember telling Steve when we found out about Larsons condition..."I can not do this!" Even before we went to the hospital I asked him if he could do it for me! I know crazy question, but the thought of delivering my precious son and saying good-bye was just something I could not do. Well by the strength that God gave me we did. We delivered a perfect baby, enjoyed precious time, handed him to our loving Father and gave him an incredible service.

So I guess what I am saying is this season is a reminder of what we did last year. It may seem weird to some. I know some may say, "it happened so we need to just move on". Yes we are moving forward, yes I am not hanging on to the darkness, but I will NEVER forget the time I had with my son and that time included a season that was difficult but not without Faith, Hope, Love and Joy in the Lord!

So if I seem a little off right now, well I am probably continuing to process all that has happened in the last year. Still seems like a dream at times, but I would not change this time for anything.

I found this poem from another blog and it spoke of my feelings so well. This journey has been FAR different then I ever could have prepared myself for. Yet I know that it is fine. I do not want to rush, what is there to rush.

Please Be Gentle
By Jill B. Englar

Please be gentle with me for I am grieving.
The sea I swim in is a lonely one
and the shore seems miles away.
Waves of despair numb my soul
as I struggle through each day.
My heart is heavy with sorrow.
I want to shout and scream
and repeatedly ask 'why?'
At times, my grief overwhelms me
and I weep bitterly,
so great is my loss.
Please don’t turn away
or tell me to move on with my life.
I must embrace my pain
before I can begin to heal.
Companion me through tears
and sit with me in loving silence.
Honor where I am in my journey,
not where you think I should be.
Listen patiently to my story,
I may need to tell it over and over again.
It’s how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss.
Nurture me through the weeks and months ahead.
Forgive me when I seem distant and inconsolable.
A small flame still burns within my heart,
and shared memories may trigger
both laughter and tears.
I need your support and understanding.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
I must find my own path.
Please, will you walk beside me?

Update/Prayer Request

2008-08-28T09:03:00.000-07:00

Ive had a few people email and ask how my endocrinologist appointment went. Well here is the scoop...

Basically I have hoshimotos thyroditis. A long word for hypothyroidism. It is called this because it is brought on by pregnancy. 70% of women will recover and their thyroid will go back to normal within 4 months...You guessed! I get to be in the 30%. The endocrinologist did say that if it does correct itself, my chances of having a permanent thyroid problem are almost definite due to my family history. Of course we also have a lot of Lupus in our family. I left pondering all of this. Was I upset...No! I came home and told Steve all about it and said..."Basically we are all "incompatible" with life! Are genes are already determined for many things be it autoimmune disorders or cancer or something else. Not are we predetermined by our genes, we have been made like this by a all knowing, loving, and kind God."

Well anyway, I decided to go down a more "homeopathic" route. I am taking synthroid, but I also made an appointment with a nutritionist. Let me just share with you some of the questions he asked and the responded he gave...

He asked if we planned on having more children and then told me that it is probably better to stop having children now that I am 35! There is just to many problems. I told him that is not what I have seen or experienced!

He asked if I had been given any suggestions for my baby when I found out at 20 weeks that he would not live! I told him we did and did not see termination as an option! Our baby was as valuable to us as our others!

He gave me ideas on how to deal with depression, ie acupressure points on my face with my fingertips.! I wish I could put a video up of me doing it. Let me just say, I had to really hold back from laughing. He told me to also tell myself that I am OK while I am pounding my head with my heads.

He chalked me up to depression, never did anymore tests and sent me on my way. Needless to say this was the biggest waste of time and a big disappointment. I would love to share his name but won't. He has high creditals..so I thought..and was on national TV about helping people with problems no one else could figure out. Well he didn't help me. Don't get me wrong, I am sad and teary and I do believe that the loss of a child can cause depression, but I didn't go to this doctor for that...he is a NUTRIONIST!

I left this appointment SO disapppointed and upset for many reasons. I know this man is a medical doctor but I TOTALLY disagree that my age would result in "problems"...besides the fact that Larson was far from that and was the BIGGEST BLESSING! At the age of 35, although called advanced maternal age!, womens eggs don't just all go bad all at once. Its not like eggs you get at the grocery store that have an experation date!. I believe that EACH and EVERY child and person has been created EXACTLY how God intended them to be. Each egg is how God intended it to be! Psalm 139 is so clear on this! God is good!

Psalm 139:13-16
For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother's womb.
I will praise you , for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
My frame WAS NOT hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
YOUR EYES SAW my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.

Did his comment about 35 cause fear? Not at all and felt more sorry for him! I trust God the same as I did with EACH one of my children and am so very blessed to have had a child who was special enough to teach others about the sanctiy of life. You go little man! OK hope I made my point.

I will not tell you I don't have days I am not depressed. Really I would call it sad, missing my baby, making sense of all this and pressing into Gods word of answers. I am not without hope, faith or love to my Almighty God.

So next step...
I have gone to a accupuncturist...She is awesome. She has a chemistry and biology degree and does NEAT therapy. I have gone to her for the last 4 years. Why I didn't just stick with her I don't know. NEAT is an allergy elimination acupuncture and is suppose to reset your body so you can tolerate things you once didn't. Let me just say that I did allergy injects for 7 years in high school and college and it did nothing. After being treated for trees, weeds, grass, horses, cats...well I can me around it.

So here is my prayer request. Obviously one of the biggest problems in my body is my hormones. That is what causes most thyroid things, autoimmune, etc. Your body is reacting to something that seems "foreign" to it. So right now she is treating me for the MANY types of hormones we have in our body. I had a treatment on Tuesday and feel HORRIBLE. I have body aches so bad I don't want to be touched, hot flashed where I get drenched, headaches, etc. That being said...this is good. My body is doing something.

Please pray this treatment(S) help and that I would have rest tonight and the days to come. It has been hard to do my daily commitments because I feel so yucky! Of course I am also trying to diagnosis myself with some "disease". At this point Steve just goes with it and tries to come up with some too. He is just so used to me! Thank you in advance for your prayers and support. This has gone longer then I thought so I'll write more soon. My days have been with ups and downs, but God is shining through and we continue on with hope!

Happy 7th Birthday!

2008-08-21T06:34:00.000-07:00

My sweet Luke is 7. Where has the time gone? I am so grateful for the years that God has given to me with Luke. I will be honest...these celebrations are bittersweet. I sure wish Larson was here to celebrate with us, but I know he is celebrating in the most perfect place there is. As I kissed my son tonight, I could not help but think of the day he was born. What a great day. Never did I realize what a gift all my children are until this year. Yes I verbalized it to many, but did I really understand it? I walked into the hospital on August 21, 2001 and a baby was placed into my arms at 11:00am. Not only that...3 days later I got to take him home with me, rock him, feed him, love him, mend his wounds and teach him of Jesus. I took for granted that I would have a baby and take him home! I have been blessed 7 years with my son. I DO FEEL SO THANKFUL. I hope for many more years with him. He is an amazing blessing.

To Alabama and Back!!!

2008-08-18T19:44:00.000-07:00

Well we are back. I know I wasn't specific when I was leaving for Alabama, but I wanted to share our time with y'all!!! I know I am picking up the southern accent...i wish!

Anyway, we left on Wednesday the 13th. Headed to the airport and left Denver at 1:30pm. We arrived in Atlanta at 6, got our rental car and drove to Aimees house. By the time we got there it was 8:30 and we were greeted by all the Weathers and a beautiful sign made by their adorable children. Our kids seems to have know one another already. It is just so amazing how we have jelled together as if we have known one another. We had some yummy food and then ...

Kids at the airport. Excited to see Alabama.

Thursday, Steve and Carlton made a hospital visit for a friend who had just had surgery. They toured around and then headed back. Aimee and I took the kids swimming and they had a blast. We had fun just soaking up the sun and getting burnt! In the afternoon, Carlton and Steve took the boys to a garden to pick some veggies.

Levi contemplating life!

Noah and Levi

Group snack!

Luke and Landon picking veggies.

Luke, Landon, Levi and Noah exploring.

Friday, we went to Atlanta. I of course took everyone on a detour to some town even Aimee and Carlton hadn't been to. I took us about 1 hour out of the way of Atlanta. We finally got to our destination and we took the girls to the American Girl doll store. So fun to be there. Really the best part for Emma and I. What fun to do with your little girl. We had lunch and then went to an Atlanta Braves game. It was a beautiful night, relaxing and entertaining.

We finally get to see the American Girl doll store!

Everyone at the Atlanta Braves baseball game.

Steve with a 5lb. bag of peanuts! Yes, they let him in along with a backpack full of cracker jacks, chips, 20 small Gatorade's. They checked it all. What a sweet husband to do this.

Saturday we hung out all day. In the afternoon Aimee and I got some "girl time" and went to a coffee shop to hang out and took. Words can not express the blessing I feel for the friendship God so beautifully put together. We really found ourselves thinking about how weird it was that we are "online" friends brought together only because of our children who are no longer with us. Sophie and Larson don't get to enjoy our families...although we take great comfort knowing they are together enjoying the heavenlies. They are safe, they are happy! It was good to have my friend to talk with, laugh with, contemplate with, cry with. We have been able to do this for the last 9 months over the phone (aside from the March visit) but it was nice to be sitting next to one another once again. Amazing that this time last year I had no idea who Aimee was, I was in my own little world...pregnant...waiting for my child to be born...no idea of someone who lived in Alabama...no idea of what was ahead of me. I could go on and on, but you all get the picture by now. I stand amazing at what the Lord has done. Through my sorrow and tears...and my smile and joy! All from a loving Fathers hand! Amazing to reflect on what 2 babies lives did for 2 families.

Sunday we had the opportunity to go to their Church. Carlton is the pastor and a great on at that...No he didn't ask me to say that! Amazing how much alike our churches are...just another one of those providential things!!! We had BBQ lunch and headed to the airport. Sure was a fast trip, but a relaxing trip and a perfect trip.

All the kids before leaving for church!

All the kids standing by the sign that Noah and Hannah made when we arrived! It was awesome!

Aimee and Me in my favorite spot...on the front porch in a rocking chair!

Our AMAZING husbands!

THE PARENTS!

It was so fun to be in a different place and enjoying my family. We went away as a family about a month after Larson died. So this was refreshing to go away...far away...and just take a breath!

THANK YOU WEATHERS FAMILY FOR HOSTING 6 CRAZY OBRIENS! WE LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF IT! LOOKING FORWARD TO SEE WHAT GOD HAS IN STORE FOR OUR FAMILIES AND THANKFUL TO HAVE GOTTEN TO KNOW YOU EVEN THROUGH SO MANY TEARS AND GRIEF. SO GRATEFUL TO WALK THIS ROAD WITH YOU. HAND IN HAND ON OUR WAY TO ETERNITY.

String of Pearls

2008-08-06T16:04:00.001-07:00

Laura with me after Larson was born.

I have shared with some of you in the previous months about a foundation being started for families who are being faced with a fatal diagnosis for their unborn baby. Well….it is starting. My friend Laura sent me this email and I would like to pass along via blog to share with you all. Laura has been such a blessing during this past 9 months and I would like to take this opportunity to share the story again. This is a long post, but PLEASE read to the end. I think it will be worth the time!

This is string of Pearls played out….
On October 2nd after finding out that our sweet Larson had many things going on in his body and would either die in utero or shortly thereafter, Steve and I were filled with grief. The only option given to us was termination. We were told we need to make the decision quickly as we had to do it by 22 weeks. Well that was not an option for us, but we walked away from that office filled with sadness and darkness. We had 4 healthy children..How were we going to wait 18+ more weeks to welcome our child only to say good-bye. Well God was working long before this as we always know He is. We just can’t see it so hopefully sharing this will give others Hope that He is before us, with us and in front of us.

On October 17th (yes I wrote it down!) my phone rang and caller ID said…Laura Huene. Why did I know who she was? Because I heard about Laura from a good friend of mine who grew up with her and told me Pearls story 15 months before. I never forgot about this “precious girl” and of course I would ask how this girl Laura was doing. I was not pregnant yet, I did not know Laura, but I knew her story. Anyway I quickly picked up the phone and just wept. I knew finally I could talk to someone who understood just exactly how I was feeling. Well our friendship blossomed and I felt so supported. Laura was in the delivery room when my sweet Larson was born and she even told him “secrets” to tell Pearl when he got there.

This friendship God has given me is beyond incredible. I have see Him work in the midst of so much sadness. I have been given so much hope. Having someone who understands walk along side me has been priceless. Between Laura who walked the path first, and Aimee (from Alabama) who walked at the same time…Well lets just say…Our God Reigns!!!

HERE IS THE LETTER FROM LAURA ABOUT STRING OF PEARLS
Hello,

For the past 2 years Josh and I have had a vision to walk with families who are walking the same journey we walked with our sweet Pearl. The vision is finally becoming a reality. We have started a non-profit organization called String of Pearls. This is a safe place for families who have received a fatal prenatal diagnosis and have made the decision to carry the baby for as long as their body allows. We will be working alongside the medical community as a liaison for the families, provide support from other families who have been on this journey and offering so many other resources.

It has been a long process to form the organization and after long months of creating and writing our website is up, we have meetings set up with Doctors in the Denver area and our 501c3 paperwork is being approved! I feel like this has taken so long to get to this point and I am so thankful for ALL the people that have been a part of making this become a reality. I'm continually amazed at how God continues to use one tiny baby girl to reach out to so many others.

Will you pray for me and for those that are involved in String of Pearls? We are choosing to help others honor life and we need to cover these precious families in prayer as well as the people that are involved in caring for the families. Will you also consider financially helping String of Pearls? The website gives a detailed account of the services we will provide and our goal is to do this at no charge to the families. There is a place on the website to donate online as well as a mailing address. Our desire is to reach as many families as possible and give them hope and peace as they walk the most difficult journey of their lives. Thank you for praying and supporting us each step of the way. Please pass this on to your friends and anyone else you may know who would be interested in this. Go now and see our beautiful website.

www.stringofpearlsonline.org

Thank you again for being a part of this journey.

With hope and love,
Josh and Laura

Psalm 126:3-6

The LORD has done great things for us,
and we are filled with joy.
Restore our fortunes, O LORD,
like streams in the Negev.
Those who sow in tears
will reap with songs of joy.
He who goes out weeping,
carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
carrying sheaves with him.

The families united in Grief. Walking this path together!

Blessings!

2008-08-05T20:08:00.001-07:00

Hard to believe that summer is coming to an end. I have to be honest...I am not so ready. I have definitely enjoyed having my children home with me. I find myself staring at them in disbelief that they are growing so fast. This year has obviously taken many unexpected twists and turns. So much for planning my fairy tale life. I really don't think I was planning in that way, but my perspective has definitely changed.

Gone are the days of dreaming about "my perfect life!" I am so very blessed, but a little bit lost now. Really searching and seeking for a relationship with Christ. Before Larson I have to say I accepted Christ as my Saviour. I accepted a religion. I knew I was a sinner in need of a Saviour. I knew I could not stand before a holy God as I was. I knew I needed Christ for the sacrifice He made for me.

But know...I want to know Christ. I want to understand Him. Not just from a book of attributes so I can spout off to everyone that God is good, God is just...etc. etc. I have found myself reading the Bible in a whole different way. Have the words changed? Has God changed? Have I changed? No, No and Yes. I have changed and know I feel a different desire to know my Saviour more then I did before.

I find myself pondering questions like...What are blessings? Are they how many material blessings you have? How many children I have? My health? Yes all of these are blessings. God has given this all to me and I don't deserve it anymore then anyone else. BUT...I have also realized a blessing in the last year that I would have never signed up for. That is the life, birth and death of Larson. I have be blessed with holding a little peace of Heaven before letting him go into the arms of the Father. I have been blessed with a search for who Christ is like I have never searched before. I have been blessed with the strength only God can give to hang on, even when it seems I can't anymore. I have been blessed with faith of a mustard seed, yet I know I have faith.

I was saved 12 years ago, but my walk has changed drastically. I am not the same person. I will never be the same person. I don't want to be the same person. I want to be who God wants me to be and I have no doubt that He would walk me through something so difficult only to come out on the other side unchanged. How disappointed He would be. He promises that we will be changed, we will suffer and yet He promises to be walking right along side me. So, if anyone is waiting for the "old" Corie to come back. Well that is not going to happen. I will not be who I was before October 2nd and I will be continually be molded into the "new" me over time. I wish I could say it would happen quick, but no matter how hard I have tried to speed up the process...God always slows me down.

As always..if you are reading this, thanks for listening to my ramblings. They usually make sense to my mind...but then that doesn't say much!

Alabama BOUND!!!

2008-07-29T10:31:00.001-07:00

Most of you probably remember the story of my friend Aimee that I met while pregnant with Larson. We met online in November because our children had the same diagnosis. I contacted her via the Living with trisomy 13 website because our doctor thought that is what Larson had. Anyway, we started corresponding. Amazingly and providentially our babies were both born on January 22nd. Sometimes I still have to remind myself how much of miracle this was. It was not a coincidence by was determined by our GREAT GOD long before we were pregnant or ever new one another. Anyway, Aimee and her husband were her in March just six weeks after our babies went to be with the Lord. And now....our whole family is headed to Alabama on the 13th of August so our children can meet one another also. We can not wait and as you can see by the video...our kids are so excited. Emma was to embarrassed to be in the video. Crazy because she loves to be video!! Remember to turn off the music below!

A Picture!!

2008-07-25T15:18:00.000-07:00

So I have been thinking and praying about getting a tattoo for awhile now. Probably ever since I was pregnant with Larson. The thought crossed my mind A LOT and so….for Larsons 6 month birthday..I did it!!! Yes, I am just as surprised as I am sure many of you are. I NEVER imagined I would want a tattoo (my kids all call it a picture) let alone actually get one. But then I also NEVER imagine that I would bury one of my children. Well it hurt so bad, but was oh so worth it! I have to say…I LOVE IT! I love that I can always look down and see his chubby toes…all 4 of them. I love that it will always remind me of God and His faithfulness during this time and for whatever may lie ahead! He is a part of our family…a part of our story! Steve was there holding my hand (check out the picture!!)…just as he has faithfully done the last 10 years and continues to do. I love that man!!!

There is always a battle of fear that I may forget him. I know that may seem weird and its something I never really thought about before, but it is something I have to battle. I want to move forward and yet I ache sometimes with how this looks. Anyway, there is some sense of peace of having “him” on my foot.

As I laid in bed after I came home and shared with Steve my heart. Not so weird. I use my 20,000 word by about 5 in the evening and begin borrowing more! I shared with him how I badly I want to use what God has given to us for His Glory. For the last 9 months, I have been really wrestling with God through so many of my questions. I am so thankful that he is willing to let me do this. Just as Jacob wrestled with God, so am I. Am I done? No, but I am cling to God!

Jacob Wrestles With God
22 That night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two maidservants and his eleven sons and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. 23 After he had sent them across the stream, he sent over all his possessions. 24 So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. 25 When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. 26 Then the man said, "Let me go, for it is daybreak."
But Jacob replied, "I will not let you go unless you bless me."
27 The man asked him, "What is your name?"
"Jacob," he answered.
28 Then the man said, "Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, [a] because you have struggled with God and with men and have overcome."
29 Jacob said, "Please tell me your name."
But he replied, "Why do you ask my name?" Then he blessed him there.
30 So Jacob called the place Peniel, [b] saying, "It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared."
31 The sun rose above him as he passed Peniel, [c] and he was limping because of his hip. 32 Therefore to this day the Israelites do not eat the tendon attached to the socket of the hip, because the socket of Jacob's hip was touched near the tendon.

It says in my study Bible…..IN WRESTINLING WITH JACOB, GOD APPEARD IN HUMAN FORM AND DEPRIVED JACOB OF HIS NATURAL STRENGTH, BUT JACOB EMERGED THE VICTOR BY CLINGING TO GOD FOR BLESSING.

I am clinging to God!!

In the midst of the pain, I also find the good in our situation. God DID choose our family specifically to have Larson. Why? Well I may never know even thought I may continually ask. But as I continue walking this path, I beg God to give me the strength for today to trust him and be faithful to Him. What does that look like? Well I know that that is all part of this. Although I know my faith in Christ has been real for the last 12 years, the last 9 months have set me on a path of REALLY seeking and searching Him. He is willing to show me if I am willing to listen. He is willing to comfort, if I am willing to let him. He is willing to guide me, if I am willing to be led.

I know I have professed my willingness to follow, but lately I have been asking myself…are you really willing? What does that look like? Willingness does not mean that I get to call the shots. Willingness means to follow Christ NO MATTER what that entails. God promise suffering. God promised trials.

Trials and Temptations –James 1:2-5
2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.

So here I stand (by the Grace of God) 6 months from holding Larson. I hope to be standing stronger and stronger, unwilling to waiver in my need for Him. Not being tossed by the wafe of the sea or blown by the wind, but perservering to maturity in Christ and facing trials with joy in His promises.

Does this mean I may not have hard days? No. It just means that I HOPE to focus on my joy in Christ in the midst of those hard days. I have many things that I struggle with and I know they don’t instantly go away or may not go away at all. It’s just that I know I need to battle my flesh more when I struggle. Whether with fear, doubts, worry, etc. I know that those thoughts are not of God. But I do know that He will help me to walk this path. I am not alone. He is behind me, beside me and in front of me! Praise God!

Psalm 36:5-7
5 Your love, O LORD, reaches to the heavens,
your faithfulness to the skies.
6 Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains,
your justice like the great deep.
O LORD, you preserve both man and beast.
7 How priceless is your unfailing love!
Both high and low among men
find refuge in the shadow of your wings.
To all my faithful friends who have walked this journey with me. With patience and perseverance. With no expectation, but support….THANK YOU!

PS…..After coming home I realized…The Saturday before I had Larson I went with my friend to get my nails done so when I had my pictures with Larson they would look good! (I bit my nails!) The Saturday before getting my tattoo, I went with Emma to get our feet down. (I had never done this before and was not sure about the tattoo yet!) Both Larson’s birth and his 6 month birthday fell on a Tuesday. I love it!!!

6 months!

2008-07-22T05:34:00.000-07:00

So today marks 6 months. 6 months since we held you, touched you, felt you, sang with you, watched you…and the list goes on.

Dear Larson,
I will never forget what this day is to me. Your daddy and I woke up in the morning (if we even slept at all) and kissed your brothers and sister good-bye. We were entering into a day of many unknowns. We told them we would see them in a couple of hours. We had prepared them for the 17 weeks prior that we most likely would not be bringing you home. Although we certainly wished we would, we know your condition was very severe. I had many fears as I walked into the hospital. I new I would be meeting you, but what would you look like. I certainly tried to not get too attached. My reasoning was that I would be able to let you go easier. Well I could not have been more wrong.

You were more then what I could ever imagine. You looked just like your big brother Levi and of course you had all the “O’Brien” traits. Big feet, long fingers, an adorable face, perfect lips and a cute button nose. When your daddy laid you on my chest, the first thing that came to my mind was…”you are so adorable, how am I possibly going to say good-bye and let you go? Could this just be a bad dream after all? Was there mistakes?” While they stitched me up (yes that c-section did give me many hours with you and was worth it!!!) daddy and I just stared at you and prayed with you. The room was incredibly quiet with many people looking on. The staff that took care of us was incredible. Very respectful and loving. After some time we went to recovery where you met your sister and 3 brothers!

Oh did they love you so much. I could tell in Emmas eyes that she just didn’t want you to go. She wanted to watch you grow. They all talk about you every day still! Your siblings stayed for awhile and then we were off to our room for your one and only photo shoot.

Levi and Larson

Landon and Larson

Luke and Larson

Emma and Larson

Daddy and Mommy with you

You did great and so did everyone else. You met your grandparents and the uncle you were named after. Hard to take pictures that would be our only ones!! We certainly wished we could have introduced you to ALL of the people who loved you, prayed for you and thought of you but that just would not work. We new we had limited time and so we had to make decisions that were so very hard. I know everyone understood!

Everyone left and daddy and I sat on the bed for 5 hours with you in our lap, singing to you and listening to music. The room was quiet and the time so sacred. We were holding you until Christ came to carry you home.

Later in the evening your sister and brothers came back. The joy from their laughter was incredible. Wanting to hold you and taking turns so well. We knew we had to get all our time in!! Your aunt was able to meet you and then the night was coming to a close. You were hanging in there, much to everyone’s surprise. You were born with a heart rate in the 30’s and you stayed at 130 although your respiratory was always hard. The night came and before we new it the sun came up. We tried to feed you, but you just would not swallow big guy. You new you wouldn’t need it. Then just as we were ready to give you a little more bottle you looked straight in your daddies eyes and did a little smile (it was amazing!!!!) and quietly closed your eyes.

I know by the look on your face that you were going to a much better place. With tears streaming down our face we let you go….exactly what we knew but could never have been prepared for. Oh I miss you so badly. Sometimes more today then yesterday and yet the Father you are worshipping right now is also taking care of your family down here until I come to see you again.. Words are not enough to say how much we love you and how much you taught us in your short but amazing life. You are our little champ and will be forever missed. Time does heal, but the scare will remain. You are way to special to forget. The lessons we have learned and continue to learn, to scared to move away from. So my sweet Larson…we will continue to press through this journey as Christ as our leader and God the potter. We love you sweet boy.

Romans 8:37: No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
This song is even more true today then it was when Larson left us. It was sung at his service and I continue to meditate on the words daily.

Reflecting

2008-07-21T12:10:00.000-07:00

Yesterday after church we went to the cemetery for a visit with Larson. We took flowers and 6 balloons. Six because he would have been six moths old tomorrow. Although yesterday was not the actual six month mark, it was a beautiful day and we were all together. The cemetery is a peaceful place for me. So quite and easy to think...although my children were loud. Even listening to my children's laughter seems perfect there. Nobody else is around and nothing else to think about.

At church we sang a song that we sang shortly after we found out that Larson would not be with us long. The words are more incredible now then they were before. Turn the music down below and listen. Oh I just love this song.

"O Church, Arise"
Words and Music by Keith Getty & Stuart Townend
Copyright © 2005 Thankyou Music

O church, arise and put your armor on;
Hear the call of Christ our captain;
For now the weak can say that they are strong
In the strength that God has given.
With shield of faith and belt of truth
We'll stand against the devil's lies;
An army bold whose battle cry is "Love!"
Reaching out to those in darkness.

Our call to war, to love the captive soul,
But to rage against the captor;
And with the sword that makes the wounded whole
We will fight with faith and valor.
When faced with trials on ev'ry side,
We know the outcome is secure,
And Christ will have the prize for which He died—
An inheritance of nations.

Come, see the cross where love and mercy meet,
As the Son of God is stricken;
Then see His foes lie crushed beneath His feet,
For the Conqueror has risen!
And as the stone is rolled away,
And Christ emerges from the grave,
This vict'ry march continues till the day
Ev'ry eye and heart shall see Him.

So Spirit, come, put strength in ev'ry stride,
Give grace for ev'ry hurdle,
That we may run with faith to win the prize
Of a servant good and faithful.
As saints of old still line the way,
Retelling triumphs of His grace,
We hear their calls and hunger for the day
When, with Christ, we stand in glory.

So as I "enter" into the next two days, once again reflecting on my "new" self I ask for your faithful prayers. I am grateful to know that the outcome is secure no matter what my path looks like. My faith in Jesus has given me life in eternity. I'll write more tomorrow and tell more. As I have thought about Larsons life and what he has meant to me, I would love to hear from my dear friends also. Feel free to drop me a note on my email...theobs@usa.net. I know all moms love hearing about their children...I am no different. He is just not here to watch while we are talking about him, but I know his short life has done so much for me. I would love to hear from you!

Prayer Please!

2008-07-17T22:37:00.001-07:00

I contemplated writing this, but I also have seen through the last several months that prayer WORKS! So that being said, I am asking for prayer from all my faithful prayer warrior friends. For the last week or so, I have really been struggling sleeping. For some reason when the lights go out I have a hard time relaxing. When I finally get to sleep, I have been have dreams that are not so pleasent and then I am awake thinking through, and reliving, the last year or so it seems. This happened a lot after Larson passed away and for some reason it is back. For some reason I find myself going a few days holding things in and then like a volcano I explode with tears.

Also, I have recently learned (I think I shared earlier) that my thyroid is not functioning correctly. This is due to the pregnancy and unfortuantly it has not recovered on its own like it has done in the past. This also causes tiredness, anxiety, etc. So I am asking for prayer for:
1. Restful sleep so I can be ready for my day with my children.
2. I have an appointment Monday with an endocrinologist so prayer for answers/direction
3. The Lord would calm my anxieties, fears, worries.
4. Good thoughts that produce peace and calmness.

Thank you for praying! Its been a tough week, but I know that its all part of the molding and refining that God is doing in my life. Thankful for His faithfulness in the midst of so much pain and hurting.

Who Am I?

2008-07-10T06:04:00.000-07:00

I apologize in advance for my ramblings. It seems to be that way lately. Maybe it is because this is where my mind is everyday. With 4 children, I often am thinking sporadically and randomly throughout the day. I find myself thinking about Larson, and all he is to me throughout the day. The problem is, that happens often. My mind is all over the place and I am sure as you read it will reflect just that. I wonder if I will ever have days filled with “normal” thoughts rather then having “triggers” or “flashbacks”. Then again I do like to be reminded of my reality. Crazy back and forth thoughts!!

Who Am I? I have been asking myself this lately. I told Steve the other day that I feel like a stranger in my own body. I know! It sounds so weird, but honestly I look in the mirror each morning when I wake up and I just don’t recognize the person in the mirror. What do I mean? My hair is the same (aside from more gray! Yikes!), I am a little more round (thyroid issues!!) and my face looks the same. OK…there are a few outward changes caused by age and stress.

The changes I see are not on the outside that make me feel like a stranger living in someone elses body. You see there are no visual cuts and bruises on the outside. The ache in my heart will never be noticed by people walking by or even by people who know me well. The c-section scar that I look at as a reminder will also not be seen by anyone …for that is the one thing physical I have been given to remind myself that Larson was here! I do look at this scar with pride! The thoughts in my head are never produced in pictures for all to see. All the aches, pains, visions and thoughts will remain inside my body. The healing of them will come over time…so I’m told! How long I often ask myself? Why do I need to know? Can’t I trust a good God who is molding me? Why does this need to be rushed? I wish I new sometimes, yet I also know that this is all Gods timing also. He is the potter I am the clay.

8 Yet, O LORD, you are our Father.
We are the clay, you are the potter;
we are all the work of your hand.

Gods Word does not tell us how long it takes for Him to mold us and what means He will use. He just says that He will complete the work started in us. It will be complete when come before Jesus.

Philippians 1:6
6being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

Beside the constant thoughts and aches, the things I used to enjoy are just not the same. The conversations I would have with others are not what I gravitate to now. I used to love big parties, now I get claustrophobic. I used to love to meet new people, now I would rather sit alone on a bench. I used to be planning my days before hand, now I'm luck if I know what is going on tomorrow or the next, but never more then that. I don’t even use a calender anymore…just my blackberry so I know what I am doing today, possible tomorrow. I am anxious planning things. I know that we are to be wise and plan, but I'm a little “gun shy” now! What if I don’t feel like doing that when that day comes. I can’t predict my desires! I know that change is good, its just sometime hard when you have no control over it. I know that we can make choices as to how we can choose to live. I'm not just sitting around like a lump on a log waiting for the Potter to finish. Its just that it takes me more effort then before to do things that were so easy. Kind of like walking into the wind and although I have to walk harder and brace myself more, I still walk in that direction. An awkward walk at times, but He is with me nonetheless.

The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
3 he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.
4 Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death, [a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me

5 months and 18 days ago I was saying good-bye to my son. I wrapped him up in his outfit I especially picked out for him. I only had one to buy and I wanted it to be perfect! Whatever perfect is…I handed him over to my brother-in-laws who so kindly waited for the mortuary to pick him up. Steve and I just could not hand him to a stranger. I know this is such odd thoughts to some. These were definitely odd to me 9 months ago. Details I would never have thought we would be planning and yet we did. So know I often find myself in a surreal state. Knowing this happened but still in the twilight zone. Or as I told Steve the other day…Comfortably Numb!!!

I often wonder if I will ever be able to walk away from Larsons grave site without tears. I often wonder where I will be in 4 months. Who will I be then? I find myself wanting to know NOW, something I have to wait for. And isn’t this part of the whole road I am walking. Taking each day as it comes. Then why am I wondering things I just need to wait for? Am I in a hurry? If I am…Why? Because I am uncomfortable in my shoes right now, or because others are uncomfortable with me? So many questions, so many things that contradict themselves and don’t even make sense to me! I can’t imagine what it looks like to others.

I find myself thinking back of what I was like immediately after Larson passed away or even 3 months ago. My tears are not constant now, but they are still here. Pouring out for reasons I sometimes can’t prepare myself for. Is it the little boys who are Larsons age that I see at church every week? Or all the babies I see at the park? (I’m considering moving to a retirement home!!) Is it the pregnant lady I pass with a grin on her face enjoying the upcoming birth of her child? Is it watching my children play with babies knowing they will not have the chance to do that with Larson? Is it my children playing on bikes, resting in bed, giving us hugs, arguing with one another, laughing, singing, etc and knowing I will not see this in Larson?

I know that I can stay stuck in the questions. I don’t want to, but I also can’t stop thinking of what Larson may be like. It is not all day anymore, just thoughts at times. My heart will always have a little bit of an ache for him. After months of kicking and turning in my womb, hiccuping all day long and thoughts of what he may be like…it is weird to be left with empty arms. All that movement and bonding for 9 months and then pouring all of our love out onto him in a mere 23 hours. How is this all possible? It really does seem that it has not happen.

After much pondering of who I will be over the course of the next days, weeks, months and years…God is faithful to tell me in His Word. He always answers my questions. Not always specifically and not always what I want Him to say…but HE DOES ANSWER. Yet I know that some of His answers will never be understood until I am in Glory. Then I will see the upper side of the tapestry that He is painting. For now, I can only see a very small corner of this tapestry. Oh how beautiful it will be in Heaven.

So here I am almost 6 months since we gave Larson back to the Lord, and almost 9 months since we found out his condition was fatal.

2 Corinthians 4:7-12
7But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. 12So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.

All this being said, there are still more and more days that I have become more settled into my new desires, likes, etc. But honestly…I am still changing and “redefining” my life in Christ. I know my faith was real before, but my faith looks different now. I hope stronger. For we are not home yet and until I hear “Well done, good and faithful servant”..I will continue to change into what the Potter wants!

Love them like Jesus

2008-07-06T13:48:00.000-07:00

I found this video to be so encouraging. I loved this song before I was even pregnant with Larson. God is amazing to bring songs that say just as you feel. The second verse is so amazing, but the song itself speaks alone! When there is nothing to say, no words to make things better, nothing to fix the circumstance...love them like Jesus! Before you press play, pause the music at the bottom of the page.

Happy Anniversary

2008-06-27T06:35:00.000-07:00

Well today is officially our 10 year anniversary. Yes, 10 years ago, June 27th, 1998, Steve and I officially became husband and wife. What an amazing day that was. I loved my wedding day and would not change a thing.

Steve and I both grew up in Colorado 30 miles away from one another but did not meet until 1994 while we were both attending Colorado State University. We met through mutual friends. We were both, and still are, sarcastic people so we were not instantly into one another. Although I know each of us had an attraction to one another. This is my version of the story. Someday, Steve can write his.

Over the next year we would see on another more often on campus and at parties. Neither of us were Christians at this time. During this year we become more acquainted with one another until we would see one another and enjoy just hanging out. At the end of 1994, Steve left CSU for reasons I only found out later, but are very important to our story. It was during this time that the Holy Spirit was working on Steve. He left CSU and came to Denver to go to a school and get away from the environment. He began meeting was a couple of friends who had just gotten back from seminary and were starting a church. It was during this time that the Lord saved Steve.

In June of 1995, I graduated from CSU and came back to Denver to the same school Steve was going to to get my teaching license. We decided since we were both down here, we should get together and have lunch with one another. It took Steve 3 months to call me. We had our first date on December 8th, 1995.

When we began dating, Steve was a new Christian. In September of 1995, Steve faithfully told me the gospel and my need for Christ. I was brought up by two incredible parents, both who are Jewish. I want people to understand that I tell you this out of gratitude to God. I am blessed to be Jewish and to know Jesus as my Saviour. That’s a whole other blog!

By the Grace of God I was saved and pray that I have grown to walk in His ways. I am so very thankful for the sacrifice He made on my behalf on the cross. My hearts desire is to walk in His ways. I hope that while reading my blog you see that my strength is not on my own, but through faith in Christ alone. I would love to share with anyone, if you have more questions, just exactly what it means to have faith in Christ alone and exactly where my hope lies.

In November of 1997, Steve proposed to me and in June of 1998 we were married in the foothills of Colorado. What an incredibly beautiful day. It was perfectly clear (as you can see in the "blury" picture...Oops!) and extremely hot. Hot enough that my brother-in-law (the best man) passed out. We have some very fun memories of that day. I would do my wedding day over in a heartbeat.

So in 10 years of marriage what can I say? Well…it has been a good journey with many unpredictable roads. Some smooth, some bumpy and all with turns we are unable to predict. I have enjoyed each day with him.

Each day of our marriage has been a part of our sanctification in Christ and so I hope that through this time we have grown in our understanding of Christ, what He has done for us, and what our responsibility is to him. I pray for our hearts to continue to be open to His molding of us. This last year has been a hard one, yet a blessed one. One we could never have prepared for, but God certainly prepared us without us knowing. We saw so much of one another. Perseverance, Hope, Fear, Love, Compassion, Mercy and the list goes on. I guess you could say…this is when you see your vows in action…. I would like to share ours….

Steve and Corie:

As God has chosen to show forth the realities of Christ’s love for His Bride through your marriage, will you seek to live this gospel reality?
Will you seek the “Oneness” that God has intended for you to show the oneness that He desires of us?
Will you seek to show the world that as nothing can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus, nothing can separate you from the love that you have for each other?
That there would be nothing that you discover in each other, that would ever turn your commitment to love one another?

Will you use watchfulness and care to each others spiritual and eternal welfare?
Will you pray for each other and with each other?
Will you gently and affectionately bring to bear each others sins and defects?
Will you strive to stimulate the other unto spiritual ends by being a holy example?
Will you warn in temptation, comfort in dejection, and in every way assist one another in your pilgrimage to your true home?
Will you converse often together on the themes of redemption by Christ, and eternal salvation?
Will you study each others dispositions, weakness, troubles, decays in piety, that you may apply suitable remedies?
Will you exhort one another lest you be hardened through the deceitfulness of sin?
Will you encourage one another to make communion with God your greatest priority?
Will you love Christ and labor together to make Him known?
Will you mutually share your thoughts, perplexities, joys, fears, sorrows?
Will you lay down your lives that the other may hear the words from our Lord, “well done good and faithful servant”?
Steve and Corie, will you strive to fulfill these according to the grace of God that has been given to you?

I promise and covet before God and these witnesses to be thy loving and faithful husband (wife) in plenty and want, in joy and in sorrow, in sickness and in health as long as we both shall life.

And so my dear husband…Thank you for being my husband for the last 10 years. You have been a friend I could never imagine having. You listen to me at night when you would rather go to sleep. You go out every day and work so hard to provide a living for me and your children so I can stay home with them. You are patient with me when I am an emotional mess…sometimes for no reason at all. You patiently answer questions about “life” the best you can even when I have asked the question 20 times. You strive to bring glory to God in the way you live.

This past year you have proven yourself even more to me. I have been even more grateful for the gift you are. It is easy to commit to your spouse at the alter, but when something difficult happens is when you really see one an others love and commitment. I will never forget the day we got Larsons diagnosis and you looked into my eyes and said, “its going to be OK, we will get through this together” and we are. I can’t say its been a bowl of cherries, but we have walked hand and hand together. When I felt horrible and could not imagine saying good-bye to our son, you continued to encourage me even while your own heart was breaking. And when it was time to meet Larson on January 22nd you held my hand and prayed with me during the entire c-section. You show so so many around us the beauty of a marriage that is built on Christ.

You were willing to make decisions that I never wanted to make…memorial service songs, meeting with doctors, funeral arrangements. You did all of this mostly by yourself, because I could not make the decisions. You put your family above yourself and walked with such strength and courage with your head held high. With complete humbleness you have lead your family through this valley. I know that as we enter into the next decade we do not know what is before us. I do know that by Gods grace our marriage will strengthen. So my dear husband, thank you for all you have been to me the last 12 ½ years and thank you God for the gift you have given to me to walk through this valley with. Here’s to another 10!

5 Months!

2008-06-22T14:58:00.000-07:00

I can not believe it has been 5 months since I have held my sweet baby boy. It has been a bittersweet day today. Thinking of all he would be today on his 5 month birthday and yet embracing the blessing he was to our family for just 23 hours. I would give anything to have him in my arms again for that 23 hours. Maybe to take in a little bit more of who he was. Smelling him again, and examining every inch of him to remember what I could. It just doesn't seem real that I had him for a mere 23 hours on earth. How could I ever possible get enough of him. Hard to believe that we really had a baby 5 months ago and that we give him back to the Father. I often have to sit back and remind myself this is reality. We really do have a person to visit at the cemetary and it is in "babyland".

I can only imagine what Larson is doing right now. I am certainly not worried about him. I know he is doing just fine. How could he not? He is the best place and the safest place.

How am I doing 5 months later? Still a very hard question to answer. Am I good? Well sometimes, but I am not over the death of my son. I don't think I ever will be, nor do I think God would want me to be. It is just figuring out how to go forward without getting so down about it. I know that I will always have the "mark" of a mom who lost a child. To be perfectly honest...I will gladly carry this "label" with pride the rest of my life.

God gave this family a blessing that not everyone gets to experience. I know this may seem wierd to some, but we have had the opportunity to see Gods grace, mercy, love and faithfulness in a way we may never have been able to without Larson. How I am doing depends on the day and sometime the moment. Summer is great, but I sure see alot of babies. It just makes me wonder about Larson so much. Would he like the swimming pool? What would his sister and brothers love about him? Would he love to snuggle like the rest of my children?

I am enjoying my other children and a whole other way then I did before. Trying to take in all the miracles I see in them everyday. Watching them laugh and giggle. Watching them sleep and then wake up. Blessing I never say that way before. I pray ever day that God would continue to give my grace to make it through. I know it seems I should not have to do this all the time, but I do see everything so different. I could I get through any day without his grace. Being a mom, aside from losing a baby, is a high calling and hard job. I have 4 little ones to nurture and admonish, teach and guide. I hope to cherish so much with my children here, knowing that God has determined their time on earth as well. We don't know how long we have and so I pray I step out of bed each day, whether it is easy or not, and walk in a way that would bring Glory to God. My desire to please him is greater and yet reality is it is sometimes harder. My weaknesses are more evident, His strength so perfect.

The picture above is of one of my most precious pieces of jewelry. When Larson died, the cemetery did his foot and hand prints. They shrunk them down and put them on these little pendents. I guess that is what you call them. I see them kind of like his "dog tags". I wear this everyday and it touches right at my heart. I am thankful to "carry" this with me since I don't have my son to carry.

Thank you to everyone who has continued to walk with my family even 5 months out. I have been SO blessed by your comments and emails. I can not express enough how much it means to me that you would still be willing to listen to a grieving mother such as I. I have some amazing family and friends and also some amazing new friends. Love to you all.

The teeter-totter

2008-06-16T19:27:00.000-07:00

Well we are back after an enjoyable 7 days together. This is the only picture we took the entire week. Isn't that pathetic. We really did do things. Mostly relaxed at the pool, but we got to Universal Studios and the beach also. It seems so weird to say this, but it was hard to know just how to relax. I really have not been away from my kids this long or this far. Steve and I have gone away to the mountains for two nights at most. It is hard to believe. We really do enjoy one another, its just been crazy. Good reminder to just make the time. We need it as parents to refresh and rejuvenate for the kids.

Well this blog may be random. Just going to put down some thoughts from the week. Like I said it was a good week, but felt like I was on a teeter-tooter. You know...one minute you are up and the next minute you are down. I had a lot of time to sit and think. This can be good, but if you over analyze everything like I do, well...it is not always so good. I have not had any down time since Larson. Really since this whole journey began. You get the news of a fatal diagnosis and life does not slow down for you. Kids still need to be fed, cared for and loved. This is good or I would have thrown the covers over my head many times. Anyway, while sitting at the pool staring at all the other families who had little baby boys, I would really be down thinking and "reliving" my life which frankly feels like a dream. I would tear up realizing this really did happen. I know this may sound so weird to say. I mean really, I should know by now this is all true and not a dream. But, honestly it really feels like one. I look at my pitcures and think "He really was ours for just a moment" and yet I know that all my children really are not mine, just given for a time to train up to Glorify our Father in Heaven.

OK, so then just as I relive life, I am blessed by the reality of my life. God has given me an incredible husband who has faithfully has led this family and carried us many times in the darkest of times. Being that it was fathers day I thought so much about all he means to me and my children. Know I don't always say this enough to him so Steve if you are reading this...You are loved and appreciated more then I could ever fully express. Thank you for working so hard daily to provide for your family. Thank you for listening to me even when you are tired, I've used my 20,000 words for the day and I am asking the same questions I have asked the last 8 months..Why? Know what? What if? What about? Some of you probably know what I am talking about. During our last 8 months, you have carried your family so well. You have had to make decisions I wish you never had to make, but you did so with much grace and wisdom and you never complained. Steve you loved Larson so well in the time we had with him. I am so blessed with the memories of all you did to prepare for him. You met with the hospital staff to make sure everything was ready for him, you planned his service on your own. Not because you thought others wouldn't help, but you want to plan this for your son. You knew this was the one day you could plan for him. You kept me sane and you continue to remind me of all the good that has come out of this even when I don't feel like that. Yes I am up on the teeter tooter when I think of the things here that the Lord has given to me to appreciate.

So where am I going with all of this? Good question! I had so much time to contemplate, evaluate, and THINK. Thinking about so much. Where do I go from here. Trying to embrace the pain of the loss of Larson, while also embracing the joy of my husband and my children and my life while still on earth. I feel like it is something I am trying to balance. Not getting too focused on my loss and also not thinking about it at all and shoving it in the back of my mind! Which honestly I feel like I weight heavily on thinking about Larson so much. It really can get me down. I do feel like this has become a big spiritual battle for me. Learning to listen to Gods word and not Satans whispering in my ear. That somehow this was a mistake and I had some control. I know this is not true. God has faithfully planned every detail of my life. I may never understand all of it, but I know I have to trust Him. I know that it has been almost 5 months since I held Larson in my arms. My arms still fill empty. It seems just yesterday I was looking into his eys preparing to say my final good-bye and yet it also seems so long ago.

Right now on this teetor-totter, I am praying to be somewhere balanced in the middle. Enjoying life without getting so down, without trying to figure everything out, without asking so many questions that there are just no answers to. I want to remain balanced and focused on the word of God. Training my children to love God with all their mind, heart, soul and strength. Reminding them daily that our hope is in believing in Jesus and one day spending eternity with him. Reminding them to not get so comfortable in this world where we don't long for Jesus any longer.

I certeinly hope these words are not so random. I could have spent a lot of time editing, but then when would I have that time? If you think about it, I would love prayers to hang on to Gods promises, trust him on this journey and to not try to figure it all out. Honestly you would think I would know by now that I can not plan my life, but I can trust a wise God who knows the beginning and the end.

One of my favorite verses in Proverbs since being a Christian is
Trust the Lord with all your heart
Lean not on your own understanding
In all your ways acknowledge Him
And He shall direct your path.

Fitting I like it so much, certeinly reminding myself of the truths daily. Thank you for reading and praying.

A Trip

2008-06-09T06:38:00.000-07:00

Steve and I are leaving today to go on our 10th anniversary trip! Actually it is June 27th, but this was the best time. Can't believe it has already been 10 years. I certainly look at our wedding picutes and see a different person. I know this probably sounds so weird. Honestly though I was full of excitement, not knowing what was ahead of me during my life with Steve. We have been blessed with 5 wonderful children. Blessed to watch 4 grow to the ages of 8, 6,5 and 3. Blessed to have been able to be a part of a little boys life for 23 hours.

When we were married our "plan" was to have lots of children. I am not sure exactly what we thought as far as many, but the both of us love children. Steve grew up in a family of 6 children. I was a 2nd grade teacher. We just enjoyed children. I got pregnant with my first child just 10 months after I got married, and that is where the "pattern" begin. I was pregnant every 10 months after that with each child. The first of my children are all 19 months apart. Well having 4 children in 5 years was busy so we took a "brake".

In August of 2006 I found out I was pregnant again much to our excitement. At a routine exam, we found out we had lost that baby. I had another miscarriage in November of 2007. We were heartbroken. Looking back now, I am thankful that those babies went straight to see the Lord and that I did not have so much information about the "whys" and "what ifs"

In May of 2007 I found out I was pregnant again. Our family was looking forward to another addition to our family. Our "dreams" were dashed in October when we found out about Larsons fatal condition. The four months following were very difficult. So many questions, fears and anxieties. Although my journey following Christ began 12 years ago, the depth of understanding was beginning. My heart ached to know more and more about the Saviour who died on the cross for my sin. I can say that although this has been the most difficult part of the journey, God has taught me much. The pain has not been without MUCH worth!

-While having my other children, I can say I would say that they were blessing from the Lord, NOW I know what that means. After learning about so many medical things (probably to much) It is TRULY a miracle to have a baby without any medical issues. Yet because Larson had so many didn't make him less of a miracle. He has taught our family SO much more than I could have imagined. He is still a perfect miracle in Gods PERFECT plan.
-I have know felt the "peace that surpasses all understanding". In the midst of knowing that I would be having a child only to release him back to the Lord, GOD gave me this peace. So thankful to have felt something so sacred.
-As much as I have had a plan...its never been mine to begin with..."man plans his ways, BUT THE LORD DIRECTS HIS PATH" Wow is that ever true. All my children I planned... well I realized that was foolish to have a plan or even think it was mine. Gods ways are far better. It hurts sometimes, but we learn far more through Him as our teacher, if we are just willing to listen.
-God has blessed my husband and I in our marriage. It is by His grace alone that we made it to 10 years. Yes we are part of this marriage and we don't just sit and stare at one another hoping to get through the years. But God has given us a standard to live by in our home. He has changed our hearts 12 and 15 years ago to "take up His cross and follow Him" and so this is the standard in our marriage...that we would honor Him. Yes we have weaknesses and times we have to work on things. BUT He has guided us with His Mighty Hand.
-God has shown me much during my 10 years with Steve. He has shown me my weakness, my strengths, my sins, "my plans", my blessings,my daily need for Him.
-God has revealed MUCH about Himself...His Grace, His Love, His strength, His kindness, His plans, His word.

Lord willing I will have 10 more years with my husband on this path. Larson has taught me that we don't know what will happen today, tomorrow or the next, but one thing is for sure and that is...Jesus will be there, if we cling to Him, at the end of our path. What a glorious day that will be to see Him sitting on His Throne as I enter the Heavens. Until then, BY GODS GRACE, I will press on in this journey.

Please pray for our time, our travels and our children. We have never left our children for this long or being this far. I know they are in Gods hands, but please pray that I can relax while away and TRUST.

Phew!!!

2008-06-02T19:12:00.000-07:00

Ok, so this was a day that I was dreading. Maybe that is to much of an exaggeration, but honestly I really wanted this day to go quickly. Today is my birthday and there was not much about it that I wanted to celebrate. I am 35 today, so the thought of being labeled "advanced maternal age" just really makes me sad. Last year at this time I didn't think about it as much. I figured at least I would have a sweet little baby to snuggle with and celebrate with. I have to say I DO have 4 other children to celebrate with today, but their brother is missing. On top of this, I found out my thyroid is not working correctly so I will have to take medication to get it back in sync. Really not such a big deal, but add it all up and it makes this birthday hard to take.

The day was uneventful. Swimming with the kids and a friend. I have to say, they are definitely what makes me get out of bed in the morning. In the evening I was quite surprised to have my husband bring me home roses. We then went to the restaurant that we had our first date almost 13 years ago. On top of that, he called ahead to get the booth we sat at on that night. Its as though we went back to where our journey began. Great suprise I must say. He is a gem and I am so thankful for him. He knew this day would be difficult, but as always he tries to make the best of it.

I have to say that throughout the day I have thought a lot about the last 8 months. That one year ago I was doing a garage sale. I didn't get rid of all the baby clothes because we were trying to have another baby. I found out just a few weeks later I was expecting Larson. During the last months I have really been pressed in many different ways. Most importantly spiritually. But in a good way!

As much as this has all hurt so much, I know I wouldn't change it. I would not be the mom, wife, friend, sister, daughter if Larson was not here. If I choose my path in life, it would be one of comfort with not a lot of hardships. Who wants to suffer? Who wants trials? Yet I know, I would not have this desire to know my Heavenly Father more intimately without this hard season of life. I know that in the last few weeks as I continue to try to grasp my new reality, that God is saying to me..."My Child, just trust me. What comes into your life may not be what you had wanted but as your Father I know what is best for you. Someday you will understand why, but for now...just trust me." I have had to be very intentional to lay my burdens, cares and worries at His feet CONTINUALLY throughout the day. I can not say that I have this down yet, but I want so badly to cling to Him with all my heart, soul, mind and strength. I know this is a daily choice, often a hourly choice and yet I know this is exactly what I want and what He is calling me to. I am only asked to do TODAY. For I know that I have NO idea what tomorrow has for me.

My journey as a believer in Jesus began just 11 years ago, and I can say that this part of the journey He is taking me on is challenging, often scary, but also real. I know He is walking with me just has He has promised. So as I walk into this next year of my life, I walk into it different. A different person. I hope one that has more understanding of my Heavenly Father and yet there is more He will reveal to me. I walk knowing I have no control over my future. I must rest knowing that only one does know the future. May this year be one of continually trusting Him and Him only.

Trying to Make Sense of it all

2008-05-22T15:07:00.000-07:00

I sit down today so heavy hearted trying to grasp the reality of all that is going on around me...

Today we celebrated the my sweet Lukes kindergarten graduation. A day certainly to be celebrated. As I sat and watched him up on the stage, tears fell from my eyes. Why? I should have a smile on my face. Today was bittersweet. I had the joy of watching him sing songs and smile, while in my heart I wished I had my 4 month old baby sitting on my lap. Today is the 22nd and so a day I would be counting the months of my baby. I will never be able to watch Larson graduate on from kindergarten, never help him with a skinned knee or have a hand print project that I would store away to show him as he walks the aisle for his high school graduation.

But today I was reminded, there is no guarantee for anyother day with my other children either. As I woke up this morning a friend text me telling me of another tragedy. The Steven Curtis Chapman family had just lost their 5 year old daughter in a tragic accident last night. We met him back in February, a month after Larson died. We had a chance to thank him for his music that ministered to us so mightily during our difficult time. We shared with him the great songs we used at the memorial service. With genuine compassion and tears in his eyes, he cried with us and told us how hard it has been to see close friends lose children. Never would he have thought that in just 3 short months he would be faced with this same daunting task. My heart breaks for them. As a parent you never want to be faced with something so final.

On another sad note, yesterday my grandfather passed away at the age of 85 from a long battle with cancer. We will be going to his funeral tomorrow. This has brought back so many thoughts of our last moments with Larson. The planning of a funeral is so much to bear. My grandfather had been sick for awhile and so really we were waiting for him to pass. Just like Larson, we knew there was nothing we could do. No matter what, whether 85 years after cancer or 23 hours from a fatal disorder, waiting just seems surreal. How do you sit and just wait?

All of these situations have made me try to make sense of things so hard to make sense of. God is clear in His word that our days are numbered. In Matthew 10:30 Jesus is reminds us to trust Him. Jesus says, "But the very hairs of your head are all numbered." Even when we know death is near, we don't know the exact moment just that it is coming. Only God knows our days. Yet the Chapman family did not have a fatal diagnosis. They were not expecting to be planning a funeral this weekend for their 5 year old daughter. Their plan was to be celebrating a sons graduation and daughters engagement. Life can change in just an instant. Their lives will NEVER be the same. They will be better but it will be because of much heartache.

This blog seems to be rambling just as my thougthts are. As I laid down to rest from emotional exhaustion today, I sat and thought of so many who have lost a loved one or whose lives unexpectedly changed in a matter of a moment.
--A friend who lost her father at the age of 55 from a short battle with cancer and a mother who was 52 along with a brother who was 19 from a tragic car accident all in 9 months.
--A friend who had 9 minutes with their new baby.
--A friend who had less then an hour with their new baby.
--A friend whose mom was 52 and passed away just 14 days after getting a diagnosis of cancer.
--My grandfather at the age of 86.
--A friend who was expecting a sweet baby girl never expecting to be carry for a severely handicapped child.
--A dear lady who lost her husband after 55 years of marriage.
Some knew in utero they would have to say good-bye, some didn't know what was coming and some had a short amount of time after a cancer diagnosis. None of us know the exact moment of death or what our lives have in store for us. At any time the direction can turn like the wild currents of the ocean. We can never predict our future or our moments to moments.

I guess all I can say as I write all these words, is in the end it won't always make sense to us. It will never make sense to me and so I go back to what I know I can forever cling to, and someone I can always count on....To trust completely in Jesus Christ and His promise of eternity in Heaven with Him for whomever believes in Him.

I can not fathom the grief God had when He knew the only way to save His children from sin was to give up His only Son as the ultimate sacrifice for the redemption of our sins. Gods plan was not death, but when sin entered the world there in lied the birth of death.

So at the end of the day as I try to figure this all out. Where do I go? The same place I went before Larson and the same place I will always go? Straight to Jesus. He promises..."Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." Matthew 11:28

I can say that through this storm, Yes I will praise Him, Yes I will love Him and Yes I will hold tight to Him. There is nothing else to hold on to but Gods promises.

I lift my eyes up
up to the Heavens
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from you,
Maker of Heaven
Creator of the Earth.

Please pray for the Chapman family this weekend and for the many days ahead as they will be burying their precious daughter and try to figure out what life is without her here.
I also ask for pray for my family for strength as we bury another.
This is a tough time, but I know my God is with me.

God's Timing--Jonah 4:6

2008-05-16T12:42:00.000-07:00

I continue to be so thankful for the grace God gives to me during this time. I have realized that I see his grace behind me, but not always in front of me and that is because I don't need it tomorrow...YET. But He will be faithful to carry me tomorrow just as He is doing today.

I find myself not crying all day long as before. It seems now that it is at different, unexpected times. Seeing babies Larsons age is still difficult and to some extent will always be. I see more of them now that the weather has gotten nicer. Just as the baby animals come out in the spring, so do us humans after being cooped up for winter. So before going to the park I find myself praying and preparing myself. But I do know that Gods grace is sufficent. While getting ready for bed I was reading Charles Spurgeon "Beside Clear Waters" and came across this. It came at a perfect time, just as all things do.

Just when we need a mercy, and when the mercy is much more a mercy because it is so timely, that is when it comes. If it had come later, it might have been too late, or at any rate it would not have been so seasonable and thus not so sweet.

Who knows what is the right time? God, who sees all at a single glance know. He knows when to give and He knows when to take. In every godly life there is a set time for each event. There is no need to ask, "Why is the white here and the black there? Why this gleam of sunlight and that roar of tempest? Why here a marriage and there a funeral? Why sometimes a harp and at other times a trumpet?" God knows. And it is a great blessing when we can leave it all in His hands.

Let the plant come up in the night and it will be a good night. Let the plant wither in the morning and it will be a good morning (Jon. 4:6-7). All is well if it is in God's hands. Let us distinctly recognize God in all our comforts: when they come when we are unworthy, when they come in a form in which we most require them, and when they come when we are most in need.

A New Kind of Mothers Day

2008-05-10T18:27:00.000-07:00

I have spent much of today pondering what my mothers day will look like tomorrow. One thing is for sure...it will be different. I will be visiting Larson with my family at a cemetary. Then I begin to wonder...Where did mothers day come from? What do other people do who have lost their mother, or sister, or child. I know there are many others out there hurting on this day. I am praying for all of you.

Thank you Larson for making me aware of the suffering and hurt around me

Just as I was trying to "plan" my day...my dear sweet neighbor came with a package in hand. Left it at the door and rang. I know that she would not want any of the recognition. Sorry Phylis!! This is a picture of what she brought. An adorable frame to put one of Larsons ultrasound pictures in. The picture is not so great...the gift is so sweet. Reminding me that God did choose Larson perfectly for our family

Thank you Larson for reminding me to have compassion for others.

Tomorrow may be a hard one. As I look around and see all of the mommies hugging on their babies...me with empty arms. I WILL have four of my adorable chilren here to hug and kiss all day long and be thankful for. I will also have one son in heaven who has given our family so much, and continues to do so.

Thank you Larson for making me cherish the gifts and blessings that God has given to me. You will always be one of those blessings.

To all of you who have a child who went straight from your arms into the arms of Jesus, to you who have lost your mother, to you who have lost a sister...Happy Mothers Day! You will be in my thoughts and prayers. And remember that we can not put to much into this holiday.

Thank you Larson for reminding me that Mothers Day is not just about Hallmark cards and gifts and breakfasts in bed. For those things will surely fade away. What will always remain is Christ our Saviour.

So on this day I will spend my day worshipping Christ my Saviour. The one my son is with and the one I look forward to be with. Mothers day will not, and should not, be any different. We worship the Creator as we do everyday. We praise him for the blessings He has given to us and thank him for our mothers and chilren and family and friends...Just as we do everyday. Oh Yeah...I don't think they have mothers day in Heaven. It will be much better then that. HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!

The Roller Coaster of Grief

2008-05-07T20:59:00.000-07:00

I have decided that I am on the roller coaster of grief. Just when I feel like I have gone a whole day without crying, my emotions go down to sadness. Even in a matter of minutes. The last week has been a difficult one. My grandfather is in hospice care and could die any day. It is a surreal feeling to go to his hospital room and just sit and watch him. It brings me back to January 22nd when Larson was born. We laid with him, snuggled him and watched...and waited. We knew there was nothing we could do to change the situation. No one could give him a brain. It was only a matter of time that his body would eventually shut down. As we explained to our children...Larson did not have his control center. Without a brain you can not function. My children know more about the human body then I did at their age.

As mothers day approaches, I feel somewhat anxious. What am I going to do this mothers day. I can't do the same thing...things just are not the same. God has given me 5 beautiful children, but one is not here to celebrate with. I do know he is having the best celebration possible with Jesus.

As we got in our car tonight after being with some friends my children were discussing where Larson would be sitting in the car. How their seats would be rearranged. But that is not how it is. Luke told Emma.."Larson is Gods baby now", and Emma said.."No Luke, Larson is still our baby he is just with Jesus now". How how much their little minds have had to process. Trying to understand it all as I am too. I am sure they wonder how to be sad. Do you show your sadness for everyone to see, or do you try to tuck it away for some other day when you feel safe to share it? I don't have the answers for them. Even my children have to grieve in a way that is best for them. Whether that means talking, writing, drawing or even crying. We are all trying to get through the days. My children know that Larson will be missing on Mothers Day as he will for every other holiday. Just another step in this process!!

I have to say there are times when I just don't want to do this at all. I wonder why grief has to be so hard. Why do I have to feel so different? Who was I 6 months ago? Why can't I be the same person? How can I possibly be the same happy again? How can I go from smiling to crying in a matter of minutes? And then I know in my head that I don't want to be the same. I want to embrace what the Lord is doing in my life. I want to remind myself that God chose our family to have Larson for a time. He was a special gift that not everyone gets to experience. Having Larson was a blessing. I wish I could have had him his whole life, but if I only get 23 hours...Well then I would do it again just to meet my son.

Larson....You are our son, our brother, our friend. We miss you so much. Thank you God for letting me be the one who gets to be Larsons mommy. I am thankful and will be forever blessed by him.