We CHOOSE to celebrate....

6 years have come and gone sine we said hello and good-by to our son Larson. This past weekend we CHOSE to go away to celebrate his life. We have done this now for 6 years. Each year we have somewhat agonized over what we should do to celebrate Larson's life. It's somewhat of an awkward time. With his siblings we have the privilege to ask for their suggestions and to be a part of their day. This past week was the first time that I questioned whether or not we need to celebrate by going away for a family vacation over his birthday. I'm not really sure why this has come about. I think I've wondered how long we will do this. But then I think of his siblings...we celebrate them every year. I know many will say...duh, they are alive! I am always grateful to celebrate another year with my children as I know we are not promised even 1 more! While I have 4 children still walking on this earth, I am confident that Larson is very much alive also, but in the most glorious place you can be...HEAVEN! So, do we celebrate him. Well here is what I thought about.. On October 2, 2007 we were told that we had 24 hours to decide if we wanted to "terminate" our pregnancy....WE CHOSE TO CELEBRATE HIS LIFE!! We were told that our son was "incompatible with life"....WE CHOSE TO CELEBRATE HIS LIFE We were told that my pregnancy was high-risk and as a result we could both die....WE CHOSE TO CELEBRATE HIS LIFE We were told he may die in-utero....WE CHOSE TO CELEBRATE HIS LIFE We were told he may not take a breath....WE CHOSE TO CELEBRATE HIS LIFE We were told that 75% of marriages fall apart after the loss of a child....WE CHOSE TO CELEBRATE HIS LIFE So after some thought I have realized....we will still continue to CHOOSE TO CELEBRATE HIS LIFE It may not be with trips or balloon; cakes and themes; birthday cards and gifts. Larson's celebrations are much more authentic because we choose at that time in our life to pause and celebrate what Larson did for our family and those around us. While 23 hours was not enough, he did PLENTY during that time! He for sure taught me more than I would have ever been able to teach him. As a mother, we celebrate our kids and the gifts they are to us. While I have buried one of mine and gave him back to the Lord, we CHOOSE to celebrate the gift he still gives. The life of our son continues to remind us of the faithful Father in Heaven who allowed us to be parents to an amazing 5th child. We will CHOOSE TO CELEBRATE HIM!

5 Years

Really, it's been more like 5 1/2 years, but I really didn't know what to call this post. Actually I had forgotten my password and had to reset it to even get in to write. Somehow that felt good. I was able to step away from this as I aloud myself to heal away from this. Not that it is bad, I just really needed a break. I sat at my computer so much, for so long, that I think it wore it out! I went from researching my son's "incompatible with life" diagnosis to other stories to back issues and back again. I am finally in a place where pain seems to be a distant memory. It's been 5 years since saying hello and good-bye to Larson and 3 since having back surgery. I was just remembering today, the span of about 4 years where pain was my roommate. I went from emotional pain to physical pain and somehow that is exactly where God wanted me to be. There are times I find myself "waiting in the balance" and wondering when the "next trial will come" and then I remind myself that is not where God wants me to be. Somehow living again, meant laughing again and intentionally enjoying life again. I know...it sounds crazy...I have 4 other wonderful children that are amazing and yet grief somehow stole my joy. It's amazing how you have to make a daily choice to have joy. Yes! I never thought that would be me. I was exhausted to choose joy because it didn't come naturally anymore and yet now it is new roommate for me. Grief is a visitor that no longer has a grip on my and joy is my friend. God is so honest when he says "I will never leave you or forsake you" and I am so grateful that while having to choose joy, God was helping me with my choice. Now 5 years later, I have the privileged of pouring into 28 1st graders on a daily basis. I do not take for granted their life, nor do I question why I am there. For so long, I wondered what God wanted me to do after the death of our son. I felt very stuck. But He always had a plan. After recovering from back surgery ( a year later!), the principal and my children's school asked if I could finish up the year for a teacher. This was my "ticket" out of the mire. I was grateful to help someone else. And her I am....2 1/2 years later. As I close up another year with a wonderful group of children, I can say that I am grateful for my incredible husband, wonderful children and the place we call work. It is work to teach and parent and live, but God doesn't promise it to easy, but he does promise it to be perfect!! His perfect! It seems messy at times, but He is behind it all and somehow it is perfectly beautiful and messy!

4 years

It’s hard to believe how long it’s been since I have written on this blog. It’s even harder to believe that it has been 4 years since we said hello and good-bye to our son. Life is different. Life is good. Life is sobering. Life is real. Life is amazing with a faithful God.
I have spent some time this week reflecting on the past 4 years. It’s amazing where we are at right now. It really is. I know that when I was pregnant and reading blogs, I couldn’t imagine what 4 years would look like. I couldn’t imagine anything going forward because quite frankly at that time, life was standing still!! Would I ever feel joy again? How?
I realize now that joy is different for me. It is not joy in the things I had before. It is a scared joy in the things above.
Four years ago as we anticipated and prepared for Larson’s birth, I knew that the inevitable would happen—DEATH. I had already had 4 children. I knew what it was like to add to my family. It was easy. Sure there was a season of craziness. A period of transition as we got used to more work. I didn’t know how to have a child die. This was not normal. You get pregnant and anticipated the arrival of a spectacular event. You don’t get pregnant to plan a funeral, but that’s what we did. We had been planning a funeral for 17 weeks.
We made a decision when we received Larson’s diagnosis to watch his life unfold according to what God had desired. He arrived with an incredible smile and a miraculous cry! That cry was like no other. He had fluid in his lungs! It was a gift for sure! God gave us 23 amazingly sacred and beautiful hours of life. It’s not what I wanted. It’s not what we had hoped for. We wanted more. We wanted years!
The first couple of years where the hardest for me. Yes! 2 years was rough. Not what I expected. At times unbearable. I wrestled with God. He listened. I asked God questions. He answered. Not always how I had hoped or prayed for but he did answer. I went through dark times. God was there. A year after Larson died, I had incredible back and leg pain. I wondered why this? Eventually I had back surgery and then spent time recovering from surgery. The path I continued down was nothing I had imagined. I wanted my son. I wanted more children. That was not a part of our families story, but God has been faithful. Yes, He is Good!!
I have come to see the beauty of God’s faithfulness. It's not always been easy but it is being created by the Creator Himself. There has been darkness and depression. There has been laughter and tears. There has been pain and suffering. There has been smiles and anger. There is the good, the bad and ugly. There still is! But I am no longer stuck in the darkness. There truly is beauty from ashes. Not the beauty that the world looks for. My son is still gone. There will always be incompleteness in our family. But beauty isn’t there. Beauty is in hope. Beauty is in mercy. Beauty is joy in the LORD. Beauty is in a unchanging God. Beauty is in Jesus.
I still think of Larson daily. I smile as I consider his little body and every detail about it. I like that I can still imagine all of it. I don’t want to forget anything about him. When I think of Larson, it is no longer painful. It is not filled with the gut-wrenching grief and sadness. I don’t fill like I’m in the slough of despond and will not make it out. I am no longer in a pit. I am so very grateful for what God has given to me. Yes! Grateful for each one of my children and my husband and everything that is wrapped up in it. It’s not always easy, but the dance between joy and grief is beautiful. It’s beautiful because God is here! I don’t hope for perfection. I am satisfied with imperfect.
Last week, I was caught off guard by my attitude. After sailing through the seasons and feeling quite settled, suddenly I felt a stir in my heart. A darkness. I was anticipating Larson’s birthday. I’m not going to lie. His birthday is hard. The day to day of life is now normal, but there is nothing normal about celebrating a birthday without the birthday boy. How do you celebrate? We have done something with our kids each year and I am so grateful we have. We take the time to pause. To celebrate life. To celebrate another day of life. To thank God for getting us through the good and bad. We celebrate the incredible gift in a son, brother, nephew and grandson who impacted many! We celebrate Jesus who has allowed us the hope to see our son again.
After trying to fight my emotions, I decided to give in. To which his video and let the tears fall. He is worth the tears and heartache as much as he is worth the laughter and joy. Because in this place of grief (even 4 years out!) is also an amazing God. A God who was with us at Larson’s diagnosis, during the 17 weeks that we carried him, in the delivery room as we greeted him, in the hospital room as we enjoyed our time and God was there when we had to say good-bye and let Larson go. Yes, 4 days later I am still in this dance. And I am still dancing!!! Sometimes it’s graceful and smooth and other times I fall. But my partner is amazing. I don’t stay down for long because I have practiced this dance for a while now. It’s not uncomfortable anymore when I am clumsy, and I am ok with falling, because the fall is as beautiful as when I get up. Somehow in the fall the worship is sweeter and my gratitude deeper.
Thank you to all the many friends who continue to think about Larson. It always warms a parent’s heart to hear about their children and Larson is no different. We have some incredible friends who have walked by our side all this time and we have made many more. Until next time…

I blinked and....

My kids are WAY to big!!

We have just a week left before my kiddos go back to school and mentally it has been hard for me to fathom. My youngest is going this year, so after 10 years of having kids at home...I will be adjusting to something new! I will probably be at the school EVERYDAY like a stalker mom! Well maybe not, but I do substitute at their school and hopefully I will be doing that more.

This summer has gone by so fast but I've enjoyed every minute of it.

My back continues to be good, although after our trip to the beach and LOTS of sitting I have had some achiness so back to PT for me and I'm on some strong anti-inflammation drugs. I think its working this far. One thing I have to do less of is sitting and hence one of the reasons I don't update by blog quite as often. Maybe its also because I stand up while I'm typing :) It's not so comfortable.

So for now...I will continue to enjoy my kiddos...life without chronic pain...and every moment before I blink again and they are 4 years older! Man does time go WAY to fast. If I could only slow down time. It just seems to be picking up pace.



This song could not have said it better...(Remember to turn off my music..:-)

Thoughts

I have lots of thoughts...usually great posts (in my head) at night when it is time to go to bed. Right now i'm not sure what to write other then I have MANY blog posts! They are just in my head right now. When I have time..I hope to sit and write more. Some of them are on life...some on Larson...some on my faith...some on life's journey! But for now... I am enjoying my children, the sun and summer, being able to be active again and living without back pain!

Worthy...You are Worthy

Gods marvelous Word is such a gift. While that is what we need daily for our nourishment, I have also found music has been an incredible preacher to my soul! The Lord has used it often to encourage me and to Praise Him. I can be found blaring it in my house or in my car...with the sunroof open! Much to my daughters dismay as we are pulling up in the carpool line! I certainly don't try to embarrass her! :) This song is amazing by Matt Redman. Through whatever circumstance we are in...He is so worthy to be praised. Forever and a Day! Praise God for giving individuals the talent to sing songs that praise His name and are faithful to do so. To God be the Glory!!! I hope you enjoy this song and may it bless you as it has me. Be sure to turn off the music on my page at the bottom

Healing has begun

Well...I've realized its been more then a month since I've posted and thought I would do a quick update for those who may wonder :) and for those who have faithfully prayed.

I'm feeling really well. PRAISE GOD!! I can't tell you that I had expectations before going into the surgery. I didn't have complete hope of the surgery even working. I tried so many things over the course of the last 14 months that I felt would work. Each "therapy" or treatment I tried, I faithfully prayed about and talked with my husband about before moving forward. And each treatment failed. Acupuncture, Chiropractic care, physical therapy, cortisone shots and decompression therapy. After all this, my pre surgery MRI was the same as it was when I originally did one 10 months before!! Yikes!!

I have realized over the course of the last couple years that God can use Eastern Medicine, Western Medicine or NO medicine to heal or not to heal me. OK..maybe I'm a slow learner or slow trust er, who knows! But I knew this pain could have become my thorn. As much as I didn't want that, I knew God was the creator of my story and that only HE has the answer. I didn't google before the surgery and I decided to go in with blind faith...I'll deal with whatever it is afterward!!

Well I can say for now...almost 4 1/2 weeks after surgery...that my pain in my legs is gone and I am healing well from the surgery itself. I had some surgery pain for sure. It was a little hairy the first couple weeks. I am still limited to no bending, twisting and lifting only 15 pounds or less. No housecleaning or laundry for now! Bummer I know :) So for know, I am resting in this "new" life of not walking around in constant physical pain. It really changed me and my life for the last year. Less patience and LOTS of emotion. I have realized now...JUST HOW MUCH PAIN I WAS IN! Amazing how your body adapts to a certain extent to your circumstances. My body was tense and I just learned to deal (sort of! ) with it.

I do have compassion on those who are living with a debilitating condition. You can look great and pulled together on the outside, but be falling apart on the inside. I've tried my hardest this last year to keep it together, but often I just wanted to cry all the time. Simply tasks were so difficult. I couldn't do anything without pain. Yep..it was with me ALL the time.

After 14 months of chronic pain, my body is learning how to relax again. It was always in protect mode. Really I'm trying to figure out how to do things again. I was so used to having things be so much work that I'm getting used to not having to. I really find myself with more time on my hand then before, because it doesn't take me as long to do things. Grocery shopping, cooking..etc. was hard.

This last few years have been difficult. I won't lie..I had hoped things looked different. After losing Larson, my heart has ached for him. I ached for my children to have another sibling. Not as a replacement but for them to be able to experience new life! To also tangibly see God give. They already saw Him take away. But my Father in Heaven has had other plans for me and my family. While it may not be the desires of my own heart, I have continued to be at His feet praying that He would give me the desires of HIS heart. This has defiantly been a long season of prayer and questions. But as always...my Father has been there.

God has written my story perfectly...yet differently then I had hoped. So my prayer has continued to be that I would rest knowing that He does not make mistakes. While I wanted a different gift...He has found the pain He has given to me to be the most perfect gift of all. This season has caused me to... long more for a relationship with my Saviour, pray more often and ask for direction and answers, being more comfortable with others who are hurting, enjoy the children I have with me, and also more of a longing for eternity and the return of Jesus. And although I feel all these things, I know...I have MUCH more to learn. Yikes!

God is so good.

I really am SO GRATEFUL that God would allow this surgery to be successful up to this point. I am also well aware that this may not stay this way but for now I am trying to rest in this and enjoy my life the way the Lord would have me too. And to be content in all He has for me.

Thank you all for your prayers.

A

Trusting in spite of pain...

Well its been awhile since I have posted. Its been pretty busy around here with not a lot of extra time. Four weeks ago I cut my finger and ended up in surgery because I cut the nerve and tendon in my ringer finger. Its healing well and since I cut the nerve...I have no pain. That's a positive I think.. maybe???. So I have been managing on one hand AND a bad back. Wow does it put things in perspective. Just the desire to not be in pain and to talk a walk.

I know this is simply where the Lord has me at this time and while I often wish it looked differently, I pray for contentment in my present situation. I pray daily for an extra dose of patience as chronic pain does not help in the patience department. It really been a challenge to get much done.

This isn't a post to ask for sympathy, but some prayer. I've mentioned before about my back issues and after over a year of doctors visits and a desire to "escape" surgery, I finally have exhausted all my options with no change in symptoms.

Yep..that's right. After this much time and money spent...my MRI looks THE SAME!!! So with that being said...I would love your prayer on March 23rd as I am going in for back surgery. The doctor will be shaving two of my discs that are bulging into a nerve which is causing the constant pain in my back and legs. The hope is that this will relieve the pain and possibly allow my body to absorb the discs to where they need to be. Having a bulging disc is not a problem...its where they they bulging and the doctor said mine just "happened" to go that direction and on the nerve!

I am praying the the Lord would be the surgeons hands and that the surgery would be successful and with no complications. I would also ask for prayer that the recovery would be quick with no set backs. Also, that my pain would be minimal and my anxiety low!!!! Mostly I pray that I will continue to trust Him in His promises and that whatever He chooses that He will sustain me...because I'm a little worn out. Pain is a difficult thing and the last couple years have been full of both emotional and physical pain. My hope is for relief...

I so appreciate your prayers!


Psalm 40

1 I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.

2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.

3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.

4 Blessed is the man
who makes the LORD his trust,
who does not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods.

5 Many, O LORD my God,
are the wonders you have done.
The things you planned for us
no one can recount to you;
were I to speak and tell of them,
they would be too many to declare.

6 Sacrifice and offering you did not desire,
but my ears you have pierced,
burnt offerings and sin offerings
you did not require.

7 Then I said, "Here I am, I have come—
it is written about me in the scroll.

8 I desire to do your will, O my God;
your law is within my heart."

9 I proclaim righteousness in the great assembly;
I do not seal my lips,
as you know, O LORD.

10 I do not hide your righteousness in my heart;
I speak of your faithfulness and salvation.
I do not conceal your love and your truth
from the great assembly.

11 Do not withhold your mercy from me, O LORD;
may your love and your truth always protect me.

12 For troubles without number surround me;
my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
They are more than the hairs of my head,
and my heart fails within me.

13 Be pleased, O LORD, to save me;
O LORD, come quickly to help me.

14 May all who seek to take my life
be put to shame and confusion;
may all who desire my ruin
be turned back in disgrace.

15 May those who say to me, "Aha! Aha!"
be appalled at their own shame.

16 But may all who seek you
rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who love your salvation always say,
"The LORD be exalted!"

17 Yet I am poor and needy;
may the Lord think of me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
O my God, do not delay.

Timing??

As time has gone on and I have learned to negotiate this journey a little better, there always seems to be more questions and new territories.

I've always wondered when, if, how, with who and where I should mention our son Larson. Now two years later...I find that time makes this even harder. While I will NEVER forget Larsons life, its details and struggles, I know we must all move on. I am much more at peace when people don't mention his name. I don't expect it for sure. But as I encounter new situations....I often find myself having opportunities to share, or do I just want to?

Afterwards I find myself questioning...Should I have shared about him? Did people feel uncomfortable? Should I not say anything at all? I wonder if people wonder why I am still talking about it? Was that an appropriate time? Hope they aren't afraid of me!! :)

While in my heart I know Larsons very short life has been more meaningful then I could ever express I'm not sure others want to hear about him as much as I want to talk about him. He has changed me in so many ways. I look at life differently. I look at my children differently.

Currently I am in a parenting study. The book..Raising Responsive Children..has been incredible. VERY thought provoking as I consider how to raise my children unto the Lord but as unique beings created by God. Each chapter has many questions and encourages us to consider MANY things that go into raising our children. I can't help but think of him as a dynamic in our family and yet he is rejoicing in a far better place.

I never want Larson to be a crutch as to way we may be doing things a certain way...but his story has affected our whole family in some way or another. Each child has processed it differenty and things have manifested from it. I find them navigating life in a whole new way. Fears they never had. Questions we never addresses before.

While the wound is not gaping...the scar remains. But I constantly question....Should the scar remained covered so no ones sees and gets uncomfortable, and if not...when, why, what, where and with whom do I share.

I wish this part would get easier. Navigating social situations and conversations without feeling like you say too much or wish you had said more....praying for wisdom, direction, peace and strength. May God use our story and may I be a faithful vessel.

May I walk in the path that God intends and may I not listen to the enemies lies. Larson was life...He was compatible...He was given as a gift...He is not something to hide...He was and is being used by a faithful God

I find myself at a loss for word of late. Maybe a loss of thoughts. I've never been who doesn't have much to say.... My husband and close friends know that!

The past few months have been a time of reflection. October to January has done that to me the last couple years. I find these months full of intense memories. I try to not focus to much on them. I have four other children to focus on too! Which is a good thing. This year I have been more focused on what I do have...5 children...then what I don't or what I want but don't get. It doesn't take long for me to get on the wrong path and an even shorter time until it takes me down to despair and depression. Praise god for His strength and direction. Without Him...I would have no hope.

Larsons birthday was a great day. I went with a dear friend and our children to paint pottery. I thought it would be a food tangible reminder of our brave son/ brother. My husband and our dear friends husband played 23 holes of golf for Larsons 23 hours. They did this last year too! This year God gave a wink.... At the end of hole 22, my husband found a golf ball with an L on it. Yep! Coincidence? Maybe! I say a gift!

It was. Good day of celebrating his short but impact full life! The 23rd felt like a horrible dream. As I explained to my friend.... His birth is easy to celebrate. His death is hard to swallow. His life came with much joy and grief.

I am thankful to enter February. It seems fresh and new. While I feel this I cant forget the women I have met who find this month cruel or the other dates and months that are good for me, but hard for them. It never crossed my mind before. I had no reason for it. But yes... I know that while I am grieving, other are celebrating. Whether new life or one of their other children. And while I celebrate my children during certain seasons or months... others are navigating their grief. Ecclesiastes comes to mind!

Not everyone is on the same page. The only comfort I can get is God is in it all and He knows all our joys and griefs. Our celebrations and discouragements. Our hopes and desires. He is there. AND He cares! Others pass us by. Some forget. Some want us to move on too! But God is right where we need to be. Holding our hand and wiping our tears. Rejoicing in the beauty and weeping in the pain.

So I guess the last few months have been full of if all. It's been an easier year to swallow my reality or maybe I have just gotten used to it!. I've learned how to walk this road. What was once scary, and often debilitating has now become part of me. I've learned to walk this grief path in my own way with a faithful God. I know He will never leave me or forsake me!

As far as an update on my back---I am scheduling surgery soon. The bulging disc is pressing on my nerve and after almost a year of seeking relief...nothing has worked. I would covet your prayers as I walk this path. Also...yes a medical nightmare here!... I dropped a bowl and cut my finger! It hit a tendon and know need to go to a hand doctor. Please pray for healing and NO surgery there! Ugh! Certainly wish there were other things to report here! But trying to stay focused on the road God has set for me! He knows best!

Celebrating Life!

On October 2nd our son Larson Shawn O'Brien was given an "incompatable
with life diagnosis" at his 20 week of life visit.

We carried his life for 17 more weeks.

On January 22,2008 we welcomed Larson into this world with the most
beautiful cry...






We enjoyed 23 hours of life.




On January 23rd we held him as he peacefully passed into his eternal
home with his Heavenly Father.

On Jan 22, 2010, Larsons Birth Day and providentally Right to life day, we will again celebrate his life and what his birth was for us. God created a boy not for world...but to impact it in other ways. Please join me in rejoicing in what God did and continues to do during his short but meaningful life.




Time makes the wound more bearable...but the wound is still there. Although thankful for this one!!!

I'll share more of my thoughts our day later. I've had a hard
time processing my emotions and thoughts lately. Maybe I've been to
busy or purposly kept myself busy and part of me is emotional that its been 2 years since I held him!!!

Season Thoughts

An updated picture....I cherish the smiles on our faces. I do not take for granted the life of my children still here.....


I have found myself with LOTS of thoughts...but few words. Sometimes I find myself analyzing...sometimes reviewing..sometimes critiqueing life...and mainly life that last few years. Mostly I find myself reflecting. They are..and will be...life changing years. Years marked with heartache, but also with hope and faith. They have really been years that have shaped me more then the 34 years before. This may really sound dramatic...but really they are.

As we all go through physical growth spirts and pains...God will put us through spiritual growth spirts and pains. While I believe these past few years have been some of my most painful...I know that God has grown me. Even then...I know I have much more to know about God and learn about Him. I always say that I am careful what I pray for, but painful as these few years have been...Im not sure I would change them.

I got the privledge of carrying, meeting and loving a piece of Heaven. While also getting to know my Lord and Saviour more. I felt His love...His presence..His peace..His hope. And still I only got a bit more.

I can't say I miss Larson any less. I can't say I am over the pain of my loss. I can say that as time continues, I have just learned to live more with his absense. It has now become more a part of my life. I try to shake the painful thoughts off less and ride the wave more. Some of those painful thoughts and memories are also some of the best. Lots of oxymorons!

As I put his ornament on the tree this year...less tears feel, and more smiles arose. How can I not smile? He has changed my family in some incredible ways. We appreciate life and heart beats more. We appreciate health and laughter and for sure have a passion for the sanctiy of life. We realize each day is a gift that God has given to us.

We think of Larson worshipping His Saviour...but in Heaven! Wow! That is an amazing imaage and one I think of often. Everyday is Christmas and Easter in Heaven. For our Saviour has been born...He is risen...He is alive...And Larson is with Him

As much as I have wanted more time with Larson..I would not choose to have him here. He truly is in the best place he can be and without a doubt I know one day I will be with him too!

I remember 2 years ago while still pregnant with Larson. I knew he would not be with us so most of my thoughts were imaging Larsons life in Heaven. Those thoughts remain. Know I just have more of a mental image of a precious boy at the feet of Jesus.

As we read the Christmas story...I get so teary.... For God gave His Son TO DIE for us. While my son did not die for others, his life is such a reminder to me of my Saviour who DID COME TO SAVE. We knew at 20 weeks, that Larson was here for a short while. He was created to die. Why? I don't ask this as much. I know God knows and that is enough. My son came to die....but not for sinners. Larsons life was full of love and his death was no less. He died peacefully and know resides in a peaceful place forever.

Christ came to die. He came from a peaceful place to a place that was full of sin. He lived a PERFECT life with NO sin...yet God still had him come to die for sinners like me. It sure is an amazing thought. I can't fully understand this miracle...yet by faith I accept it. I worship God today, Christmas, and every day, for the birth of His Son. That He came to save. So someday we will have eternal life with Jesus.

My heart is in 2 places now. I so enjoy the blessings of my life with the children gave me to raise here. Although I imagine often the life my other son is living now also. My life will always have a piece missing....I know God understand...

With that...Merry Christmas, a little late. May we worship our Saviour throughout the year....

Our God is in control

Seeing Gods Hand.....

Not long after having Larson I received this poem from a Godly women who is about 60 years old...her mother had lost 4 babies...here it is....

The Weaver

My life is but a weaving
Between my Lord and me,
I cannot choose the colors
He worketh steadily.

Ofttimes He weaveth sorrow,
And I in foolish pride
Forget He sees the upper
And I, the underside.

Not 'til the loom is silent,
And the shuttles cease to fly,
Shall God unroll the Canvas
And explain the reason why.

The dark threads are as needful
In the weavers skillful hand,
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned.

So here is my story that I feel the Lord has blessed me to see some of the weaving...Bear with me, it may be long. I hope I can explain it well. It is one of hope!

About 12 years ago I was teaching 2nd grade. During this time one of my students came into class with a picture he was sooo proud of. This was no ordinary picture. It was a picture of his sweet baby sister Cassidy. Cassidy was born with spina bifida. Was born early and many surgeries ahead of her. Her parents were given a grim picture, and much to my young ignorance or lack of life experience I really had NO idea what they were venturing into....

Fast forward 10 years later....In October of 2007 we found out about Larson. My ignorance changed. Life had taken a major turn. Now it was my baby with a fatal diagnosis. Not someone elses story anymore. Now I was living a life far different then I had expected. Like many moms with this...or maybe not...I started researching. I came across the website...www.benotafraid.net. It has stories of all different diagnoses. In my obsession...I hate to admit I read MANY of them. I came across one in pitucular. It seemed so familiar. It was! It was the story of baby Cassidy. Thats right..It was the story of the little girl ten years before. I though of her mom...how I had NO idea back then her pain could be so intense...her questions...her thoughts. And know...I could relate more. Not completely...but more!!
Here is Cassidy's story...www.benotafraid.net/story.asp?id=11


Cassidy was being used in my life....and yet, the story continues....!

A year after Larson passed away I had the opportunity to share his story with a bible study here in town. I was nervous but thankful to be used how God wanted me to! And who was there...Yep! Cassidys mommy. I hadn't seen her in 11 years. She cried with me and suddenly this mom was someone who I could connect with in a mighty way....this was God.

Ok...but that's not it! Fast forward one more year. I reieve a call form my aunt. Her daughters baby...Evan...had been diagnosed with Spina Bifida. I immediately thought of Cassidys mommy but had NO way of getting a hold of her.

The next week...I kid you not!...I ran into her at park. I have gone to this park with my kids MANY times and NEVER ran into her. The last time I had seen her was at the bible study and before that about 7 years before when she showed up at my church for a visit. She never came back...she was attending another church in town. And before that, I had seen her around the time Cassidy was born...

So back to the park.

I ran into her at the park...Cassidy was with her and I approached her and told her about my cousins baby. So the two of them have been connected ever since.

Ok...so this is a long story, but really its amazing to think that 12 years ago Cassidy's mom had NO idea how she would be used. I hope that she is so encouraged to see that Cassidy is being used 12 years later through a teacher that her son had. 12 years is a long time. I certeinly want to see what my son has done quicker. Now I know Cassidy has been used more then this, but I feel God has shown me that He is faithful...Things do work out for good. This story makes me amazed and THANKFUL.

While still sometimes feeling like Im in a valley...feeling like there is nothing new in my life. That there are things I have hoped for and desired...things that God has not desired to give. I find myself still missing Larson and dealing with chronic back pain. I sometimes wonder what is next. I am reminded by this story that God knows. What happens next in my life may not be what I hope for or maybe think I deserve...want...or expect! But I can trust that The Weaver is painting a PERFECT picture that I will be blessed to discover someday. Maybe not until eternity...but His hand will not stop and the painting will not be half done....

What often doesn't seem perfect...is!

And now...Id like to show you a picture of sweet baby Evan. The one you have prayed for...a little guy that has only begun to change lives....

Heaven is a Place

Great song...great words...by a very talented singer whose walking the journey of grief. Praise God that Steven Curtis Chapman is using the gift he was given to minister to so many....grieving parents...orphans...and more!

Evans out of Surgery!

Another Evan update...surgery seemed to go well. The doctors seem to think that his hips may be dislocated. So please pray for wisdom and direction for the doctors. Evan already has casts up to his thighs for his feet. The little guy has had more done to him in the last 2 weeks then I could imagine. More obstacles he has overcome, but there seems to be some more things to figure out. My cousin Lisa has been so brave but as you can imagine it is exhausting. Please pray for her, her husband Jeff, her daughter Lauren and her mom Barb (my aunt) as they continue on this journey. There are some things that are unknown, and maneuvering through them can feel daunting.

Evan Update!!

Wish I had pics of this cute little boy....and he is cute! Today Evan is going in for a shut surgery. Fluid has begun to build up in his body and some in his head. Praise God for doctors and nurses who are on top of things. Please pray for Evans surgery...that is would be quick and successful and that he may begin to move his lower body! He has already had casts put on his legs for club feet and he had one surgery already right after birth. He has been such a fighter. Born at 4 lbs 6 oz and now up to 5lbs. Thanks for your prayers for this little guy....I know his story has just begun.

He is Enough!!

I have to say...I can't wait for November. For some reason...October seems to still be a hard month. It was the month I miscarried in 2006 and it was the month we had to mentally bury our dreams with Larson in 2007. It has been better then the last, but I find myself trying hard to find joy.

Ok...so I am not trying to make this post a downer and by no means am I seeking sympathy, empathy or pity. I just feel like sharing whats been going on.

Back in 2007 when we lost Larson I thought I could never do this again...Don't worry we aren't! Now its not that I don't want to now. I have the desire for a baby more then I thought I could. Yet it seems God has completely closed the doors on this. My back problems continue to get worse and instead of hoping for the possibility for another child...I am trying to find relief from chronic pain from my back. The pain is constant and goes from my lower back...down to my calves. Its all day long and often from sitting, standing, sleeping and everyday activities. I am praying for the Lord to take my longing away...and to turn my disappointment into thankfulness and gratitude. I know He will....eventually! :)

I am not looking for a means of healing...trust me, I have tried MANY things in the last 10 months and all the "experts" now how to fix me. Problem is they haven't!!! I have tried both Eastern and Western medicine and I can tell you that neither has helped too much. I am currently trying another therapy and IF it works, I'll let you all know what it is...for those back pain suffers!! :) God has been gracious to point me in different directions and I have an incredibly patient and supportive husband. Although nothing has worked, I know that God has still allowed some options. Or....he may make this my thorn...lets hope not! Im too young..I THINK! :)

Honestly...I am not complaining about this, just perplexed! How could I have been going from wanting to have another child...to having him die...to not having that even as an option anymore. No...nothing has been done permanently and I know God can do ANYTHING, but right now it would seem to be very irresponsible of us to try to have another baby when I can hardly manage my children physically right now. My kids have been through alot as well, but they are awesome and VERY helpful.

So spiritually this has really taken me down a different path. Many questions and LOTS of prayers! As I see others share about their new joy and restoration through another child...I wonder if I will ever fully regain the joy I had. Will I see the healing that God has given them? Will I always long for a baby or will God take that away? Don't get me wrong...I am so happy to see so many babies enter this world without complications. I know..or can only imagine...that they don't fully fill the void of the loss of the sibling that preceded them. Nor do I think any of these parents are doing it for that reason. I do know that I won't have the opportunity to feel what it COULD be like. I must leave that to mystery and continue down the path that God has chosen for me and my family.

I do rejoice in the miracles of what God has chosen in the life of others. There have been some pretty darn cute babies born this last year! I don't find myself bitter. I truly am happy to see so much joy in the lives of so many who have had to endure so much pain. These are a stories to be told and cherished. And of course each one of them comes with its own challenges, dreams lost and hopes gained. Honestly though..I can't write their feelings or thoughts here. I can't explain what it looks like with new life...I can only say where I am at.

So I'm not just writing this for myself. I am writing it for anybody else who may be in this same state. It may not be just from the loss of a child in the hope of having another one. You may have a broken marriage and wonder if it will ever by restored. You may be single and wonder if God would allow you to ever have a husband. You may struggle with infertility and wonder if you will ever be a mother. You may have been hurt by a friend and wonder if you won't feel so lonely. You may be having financial issues and wonder if you will see food on your table today..or have your house tomorrow. You may have lost a loved one that will not be here to share in your earthly joys. All the uncertainties of life. Dreams dashed...feeling challenged. Feeling defeated!

This world is filled with hurts, pains and disappointment for so many. The loss of a dream, hopes or the future we thought would look differently. We may wonder if it will always feel painful or if we will have the chance to see something joyful again....

And so I ask myself daily...What if I never see what I want things to look life? What if God never provides me another tangible joy (at least my definition of joy)? What if my back remains so painful? What if things seem so dark?

And then I go to scripture....Is God enough? Is His Son enough? That Christ died for me...is that enough? Do I deserve anything more? Do I NEED anything more?

Confidently I can say Christ is enough. It will not always take away my questions, thougths or sadness....but it will ALWAYS complete me. He is enough. He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds (Psalm 147:3)...He will NEVER leave me or FORSAKE me (Genesis 28:15)...He bestows a crown of beauty instead of ashes(Isa 61:3)..He turns my mourning into dancing (Jer 31:13)....He promises to complete the work He has started in me (Phil 1:6)...he weeps with us...rejoices with us..walks with us. He is Father...He is Friend.

In Christ there is no "what if's".... He never changes! He is ALWAYS there...through the ups and downs. The heartaches and heartbreaks. Through the questioning and misunderstandings. He is always your friend. HE WON'T change. HE WILL ALWAYS BRING ME THE JOY THAT THIS WORLD CAN NOT. He has defeated the One who has caused so much pain to enter into our lives. His name is satan...he is real..but he is NOT in control.

My dear friend...if you are reading this and wonder why life has a way of seeming to beat you up...turn to the only One who will Always be there for you. It is not your husband, or children, or friends...they are all sinners just like you and me. Our stories will all look different, but we can trust that they are what God wants for us. Accepting our life the way it is...is one of the battles!!

Turn to Jesus Christ...our Saviour AND our friend. Really quite amazing to me. He was called to die for us and take OUR sin and yet He will still be our friend. Flee to Him....read His word...pray to Him to reveal Himself to you and comfort you...He will. Through the heartache and pain, He has never left my side. Although it feels that way at times... I know He hasn't. Press on towards the prize...Eternity with our wonderful Saviour. Where there will be no more tears, questions, pains, disappointments or heartaches.

If you need prayer...I am up at night lots with pain and I know that the Lord uses this to pray for others! Please share your prayers...I would be honored to pray for you. You can do it anonymously or email me. My friends...we are all in this together no matter your hopes, fears, dreams, joys or heartaches.

Evan Update

Thanks all for praying....Evan has had his surgery to fix the opening in his back. It went well and he is still breathing on his own. Keep up the prayers. At 34 weeks he is a premie and with surgeries ahead of him.

Prayers for Evan Samuel

Hello all my prayer friends!!

My cousin had her baby today and I am asking for prayer. Evan was born at 34 weeks. My cousin had severe preclamsia. Aside from that Evan was born with Spina Bifida and club feet. There is no chromosomal issues so praise God. But it is still a scary time. My cousin has been brave and strong but we know we can use strength that only comes from the Lord. Please be praying for Evan. I believe his surgery on his spine will be on Sunday. Ill keep you posted. As of know he is breathing on his own, angry and ADORABLE!