A Picture!!

So I have been thinking and praying about getting a tattoo for awhile now. Probably ever since I was pregnant with Larson. The thought crossed my mind A LOT and so….for Larsons 6 month birthday..I did it!!! Yes, I am just as surprised as I am sure many of you are. I NEVER imagined I would want a tattoo (my kids all call it a picture) let alone actually get one. But then I also NEVER imagine that I would bury one of my children. Well it hurt so bad, but was oh so worth it! I have to say…I LOVE IT! I love that I can always look down and see his chubby toes…all 4 of them. I love that it will always remind me of God and His faithfulness during this time and for whatever may lie ahead! He is a part of our family…a part of our story! Steve was there holding my hand (check out the picture!!)…just as he has faithfully done the last 10 years and continues to do. I love that man!!!



There is always a battle of fear that I may forget him. I know that may seem weird and its something I never really thought about before, but it is something I have to battle. I want to move forward and yet I ache sometimes with how this looks. Anyway, there is some sense of peace of having “him” on my foot.

As I laid in bed after I came home and shared with Steve my heart. Not so weird. I use my 20,000 word by about 5 in the evening and begin borrowing more! I shared with him how I badly I want to use what God has given to us for His Glory. For the last 9 months, I have been really wrestling with God through so many of my questions. I am so thankful that he is willing to let me do this. Just as Jacob wrestled with God, so am I. Am I done? No, but I am cling to God!

Jacob Wrestles With God
22 That night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two maidservants and his eleven sons and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. 23 After he had sent them across the stream, he sent over all his possessions. 24 So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. 25 When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. 26 Then the man said, "Let me go, for it is daybreak."
But Jacob replied, "I will not let you go unless you bless me."
27 The man asked him, "What is your name?"
"Jacob," he answered.
28 Then the man said, "Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, [a] because you have struggled with God and with men and have overcome."
29 Jacob said, "Please tell me your name."
But he replied, "Why do you ask my name?" Then he blessed him there.
30 So Jacob called the place Peniel, [b] saying, "It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared."
31 The sun rose above him as he passed Peniel, [c] and he was limping because of his hip. 32 Therefore to this day the Israelites do not eat the tendon attached to the socket of the hip, because the socket of Jacob's hip was touched near the tendon.

It says in my study Bible…..IN WRESTINLING WITH JACOB, GOD APPEARD IN HUMAN FORM AND DEPRIVED JACOB OF HIS NATURAL STRENGTH, BUT JACOB EMERGED THE VICTOR BY CLINGING TO GOD FOR BLESSING.

I am clinging to God!!

In the midst of the pain, I also find the good in our situation. God DID choose our family specifically to have Larson. Why? Well I may never know even thought I may continually ask. But as I continue walking this path, I beg God to give me the strength for today to trust him and be faithful to Him. What does that look like? Well I know that that is all part of this. Although I know my faith in Christ has been real for the last 12 years, the last 9 months have set me on a path of REALLY seeking and searching Him. He is willing to show me if I am willing to listen. He is willing to comfort, if I am willing to let him. He is willing to guide me, if I am willing to be led.

I know I have professed my willingness to follow, but lately I have been asking myself…are you really willing? What does that look like? Willingness does not mean that I get to call the shots. Willingness means to follow Christ NO MATTER what that entails. God promise suffering. God promised trials.

Trials and Temptations –James 1:2-5
2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.

So here I stand (by the Grace of God) 6 months from holding Larson. I hope to be standing stronger and stronger, unwilling to waiver in my need for Him. Not being tossed by the wafe of the sea or blown by the wind, but perservering to maturity in Christ and facing trials with joy in His promises.

Does this mean I may not have hard days? No. It just means that I HOPE to focus on my joy in Christ in the midst of those hard days. I have many things that I struggle with and I know they don’t instantly go away or may not go away at all. It’s just that I know I need to battle my flesh more when I struggle. Whether with fear, doubts, worry, etc. I know that those thoughts are not of God. But I do know that He will help me to walk this path. I am not alone. He is behind me, beside me and in front of me! Praise God!

Psalm 36:5-7
5 Your love, O LORD, reaches to the heavens,
your faithfulness to the skies.
6 Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains,
your justice like the great deep.
O LORD, you preserve both man and beast.
7 How priceless is your unfailing love!
Both high and low among men
find refuge in the shadow of your wings.
To all my faithful friends who have walked this journey with me. With patience and perseverance. With no expectation, but support….THANK YOU!



PS…..After coming home I realized…The Saturday before I had Larson I went with my friend to get my nails done so when I had my pictures with Larson they would look good! (I bit my nails!) The Saturday before getting my tattoo, I went with Emma to get our feet down. (I had never done this before and was not sure about the tattoo yet!) Both Larson’s birth and his 6 month birthday fell on a Tuesday. I love it!!!