October 2nd!

Today is not October 2nd...yet! But this date is heavy on my heart and my mind. It is the day that I will never forget...a day that changed our lives and our family forever. The day I found out that the baby we so wanted would not live with us on earth for very long. The day God began to show me my weaknesses and my utter dependence on His strength.

I got pregnant in May of 2007 following two miscarriages in 2006. The miscarriages rocked me because I had had four healthy children close together with no problems. I say this with complete humbleness now. I don't think I ever pondered the reality of loss. I never had anything like this before. So in my ignorance (yes I believe that is what it is) I entered into each pregnancy with the expectation that I would have a healthy baby in 9 months.

when I got pregnant in May of 2007 I actually pondered for the first time if this baby may not be ok. I know that this was absolutely the Holy Spirit preparing me for what was to come. I hesitated telling people my news and I chalked my hesitation up to not wanting to hear people say things about having a 5th child. In reality, I was just so concerned about the baby. I also thought maybe my hesitance was because it was following my miscarriages. But deep down it was more then that. Something just didn't seem right.

In July of 2007 we went to the beach with some friends. As I talked on the beach with my friend, I shared my concerns with her. She of course encouraged me and and said it was probably nothing. I shared my concerns with my sister in law who is a doctor and of course Steve. All of them passed it off as nothing...just my weakness of worrying (which I did a lot of anyway). Still I knew it was something different.

October 2nd was a date I put up on our white board calender. The calender we wipe days off as we go. My kids were excited about the baby and could not wait to find out if it was a boy or a girl. So as October 2nd rolled around I told Steve that although we talked about having Emma come, I was concerned (yes again) that if something was wrong she would be in the room. He thought it would be fine.

October 2nd finally came and with a nervous stomach, my husband and yes Emma in tow we went to the OB/GYN's office to have my "routine" ultrasound at 20 weeks. I sat staring at the other women with their ultrasound pictures and I could not get rid of my nervousness.

We were called back to the room...and our life was soon to turn upside down or whatever you want to call it. The ultrasound tech had been there for years. She did the ultrasound for all of my other children. Therefore I could tell by her voice, and body language...something was terribly wrong. After many minutes (seemed like hours) we went to see the doctor. Of course my doctor was out of town. My doctor has known me my whole life, his dad delivered me and my siblings and my mom grew up with him. Needless to say the doctor had a horrible, stoic look on her face.

The doctor proceeded to tell us she had some concerns. Our baby had A LOT of fluid in his head, fluid in his chest cavity. She was sending us to a Level II ultrasound right away. All of this was new for me and the panic set in. I left the office barely able to stand up. Steve though it may be fixable...I on the other hand new it was bad.

The next day...which seemed like forever..we went to the next appointment. It is during this appointment that we found out that our baby would not live for long if at all. We will never know if Larson had lung or heart issues because we did not want to do further testing, but based on the amount of fluid in the chest we were told that most likely something was going on. The most severe issue was his brain or lack of one I should say. I write know with tears following as I remember the details of this day. Details that will be etched in my mind forever. Memories that I want to hang on to and yet some I wish I could let go of.

I ask for prayer as we go through this week. I have continue to walk with trust in my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, but with that hope I have also had MANY tears. I want to take this opportunity to that many family and friends that have been willing to let us walk through this journey the way God intended us to...without a time line, without expectations, with tears and questions yet with hope and trust. I have found so many of you to be MORE then I expected you to be. I know that I am not the same person I was a year ago. I grieve the loss of my ignorance, my care free spirit and the joy that I found in life...Yet I rejoice in the mercies God gives me each day...I rejoice in what Christ did on the cross...I rejoice in my sober mindedness that I am not guaranteed even one more day....I rejoice in who God is molding me into. Yes with much heartache, sadness, tears, weariness and loss of much, I DO STILL REJOICE IN CHRIST. He is still my hope, He is still my all and all. He is what I so desire to live my life for.

I continue to covet your prayers as we go through our process of grieve...whatever it may look like and for however long it may be....THANK YOU!