Questions????

The last few weeks have been busy, but not without alot of emotions.
Emma, Luke and Landon all started school. I continue to pray about our decision with schooling. I miss my children immensely during the day, but right now we feel that being at this school is the best for them.

Having Levi at home has been a blessing, but I can't help but think of how thinks were suppose to be! Yes I can totally trust a God who is in control of all things. He determines the length of life and He is the writer of my story, but in my humanness, it is difficult to let things go. I have had my fair share of tears these last few weeks. Although that probably is not surprising. As Emma told me, the bottle God is holding with my tears is as big as Daddy's building!

My children continue to work through their own grief. Some are stuffers, so are talkers, so are sharers, it just depends. With six of us working through this...we see alot. Emma told me she doesn't like to see me cry and I reminder her...I cry when she and her brothers go to school. I just love them soooo much. The joy I get when they return is great. I didn't have that with Larson. He left, but will not return. I rejoice I don't have to worry about him, but I weep because I want to hold him.

I am constantly feeling like someone is missing, and he is. But I know that no matter how hard I try, things will not change. I remind myself often that God has shown me this year that I am in control of NOTHING! Ok, I can plan dinner, try to clean, get out of bed, etc. I have choices to make each day, but ultimately I firmly believe each and every day of my life has been determined.

So being able to say this and believe this is good, but I would be lying if I said that my days are still not filled with MANY questions. The whys, whats, when, where, what ifs, etc. And to be honest with you, there are still many days that I am emotionally exhausted by the end of the day. Fighting joy and grief at the same time seems to be so taxing. Staying in the moment with my 4 precious children and reliving and thinking of my son I miss SO deeply.

I often find myself remembering my thought while I was pregnant. I certainly thought the pregnancy and knowing Larson was going to be with us for such a short time had to be the worst part. Thankfully God did not reveal to me the path of grief I would go on after the death. Having only experience death with a grandparent I had nothing to compare it to. Don't get me wrong that is hard, but having your own flesh and blood be delivered from your womb and immediately watch him fade away...well its beyond words to express. Difficult, pain full, surreal, heart wrenching. I wish I could describe it better...I just can't. There is nothing to compare it to, although many have decided to let me know what would be the "hardest" thing to go through. Whether the time with a loved one is moments, minutes, hours, days, months or years...when are we ever prepared to say good-bye. We aren't. Even thought it seems I should have been prepared...I wasn't.

So here I am almost 8 months out and I can say that time helps lift the cloud above my head at times, but even that can still shift from time to time. I am still blind-sided by emotions that I seems to be fine with for a longer period of time. I can be laughing with my kids and next minute want to run to my bed and cry. I can be relaxing for bed and the next minute be so anxious I can't sleep.

I know that God continues to walk by my side, even though there are times I still feel very much alone. Yes even in a room with many, or house full of kids, or sitting next to my incredible husband. Grief can make you lonely. You have to walk on your own path alone (with God) no matter how many want to hold your hand.

So as I continue to ask God questions, some the same as 10 months ago, some very different I am reminded that He is our Father in heaven who wants to hear from us. As a second grade teacher I had students asking many questions. As they enter each new grade there is so much more to learn. Well I find it no different as a child of God, a believer in Christ...although I have professed faith for 12 years and I have read the bible and know the stories....I have SO much more to learn. I highly doubt that God who says "come to me all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give your rest (Matthew 11:28) would reject our questions. He is asking us simply to come and follow Him, He promises to walk with us until the end, He doesn't always give us the answers we want but He desires to listen, to love, to comfort, to encourage. So as a child/student, I will continue ask my questions to a faithful Father and I will not be ashamed that I don't have this all down. How could He mold me the way He wants.

Often I think I should be walking through my days laughing instead of crying, and yet there is no right way to do this and no wrong way. There is no time frame, no expectations...but to come. I do find rest in the Fathers arms, I trust Him fully with my life and with the outcome of things, I do know He keeps His promises and makes no mistakes, I do know He will listen at anytime, I do know that Christ died for my sins and I can't imagine the life and death He live for me, I do trust because God deserves my trust...but I still have questions! And I know with time these questions will make me know Him more.