Finding the Right Words!

Ive really had a hard time finding the right words. Just 11 months ago, I held him in my arms. I touched him, smelled him, loved him. Many thoughts are racing through my head. I am trying to put together Christmas...whatever that means...planning a 9 year olds birthday that is on the 7th of January and also anticipating/planning the 1st birthday of Larson, just without him!

I often find myself thinking of years past. When being in the midst of all this craziness was not so bad. This year its the craziness along with the ache...the sadness...someones missing. Going to the store to get Christmas outfits and seeing all the adorbable outfits for little boys. But I don't need to be in that section, so why am I? I often wonder if I will ever get used to this ache. Will it always be there? Will it go away?. Will it take something else to make me whole again? Will I ever be whole again? So many questions, without answers.

I know that Larson took part of my heart with him. I willingly gave it to him. I want to be reminded of that person in heaven, whom I will one day see and worship Christ with. I want this ache to remain...just not so intense.

Its seems that this season has a lot of reminders of what I am missing. A little boy that will not match his siblings in the Christmas picture, a Christmas ornament with foot prints and hand prints...but no baby, a Christmas ornament with a picture of each of my children...one of the pictures will never change. It will always be the baby we had to give back so soon. We won't have a toddler opening presents. We won't have a brother to wrestle with or watch as he has Christmas. Yep...all of those dreams are dashed. We are left with an empty stocking, a picture instead of a body, a grave marker instead of a nursery.

As I have been getting ready for all that this season has and thinking of what I am missing, its good to slow down and remember what it really is all about. Its not about the presents, or the perfect Christmas picture that won't be, the tree adorned with beautiful lights, its about a perfect Son. Now Larson was perfect to me, but that is not the baby I am talking about. As I think of what God has given to us, I am reminded that nothing could be better. Amongst my aches and pains...God understands them also. He grieved the loss of His Son also.

As I remember Larsons life...I remember lots of kicks and hiccups. I remember praying that God would have mercy on him as we watched him die. We felt Larson live for 9 months, we watched Larson live for 23 hours and then...we watched him die. We watched his last breath, his miracle smile, his chest stop going up and down and then we heard no heartbeat...Yet, God was so merciful. Larson lived well.

Then I think of Christ. God sent His ONE and ONLY Son to die. To die for sinners. Christ was perfect He had done NOTHING wrong and yet He was willing to be a Saviour for sinners like you and me. It says very clearly in the bible:

Romans 3:23
for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.

God is not asking for perfection...He knows we can't do that...He is asking for you to believe. Not in Santa, or that you are good, or that you can become good...No just to believe in Jesus Christ.

Christ came...He did not live a life like Larson. He was mocked and ridiculed. He was put on a cross for an incredibly painful death. All the while God was watching. Could God have stopped the death? Could He have protected His Son? Most certainly...but He was willing to give His Son as a sacrifice for ALL who believed in Him. Christ would take the sin on himself, so we could live eternity with God. No longer separated by sin...

I miss Larson deeply. His life and death point me to Heaven in which I long to be with God for eternity. I hope you all consider the birth of Christ this Christmas while in the craziness of the season. God bless you all!