Happy 1st Birthday

Larsons 1st Birthday Celebration Video from Corie O'Brien on Vimeo.
be sure to turn off the music below. Sit back and enjoy his wonderful life! Thanks for sharing our journey with us.

Dear Larson,
It’s hard to believe that it has already been almost a year that we have had to say hello and good-bye. It just will never be enough time. I loved you before I knew you…before you twisted and turned in my womb. I loved you when they said you were “not compatible” with life. I knew you were a gift from God given specifically for our family.

When you arrived your sisters and brothers were so excited to hold you. Emma was devastated when we called to say you had died. She told me later that she thought you would live for “at least a year!” She so hoped for that. She really wanted to bring you home and take care of you no matter what you were like.

It has been hard planning your first birthday. I’ve never had to plan a birthday without my little one here. So we are doing the best we can to make it a special day even though you won’t be there. You little friend Brees will certainly miss you. We thought we would see you grow up together. But just like your sister and brothers, her mommy and daddy are telling her all about you. She would have definitely been at your party if you were here.

Anyway, your sister is so excited to get her ears pierced…Grammie says it your gift to her seeing as she was not suppose to get them done until she was 16. We now know though that we don’t know how long we have. You really have shown us the fragility of life. So for your sister Emma…she gets a gift she has always desired and one that will remind her often of the gift we were given in you.

Your brothers love to pull out the clothes you wore and remember just how tiny you were. We often wonder what you will be like when we see you again. And trust me…mommy is teaching your sister and brothers ALL about Jesus. We know you are with Him right now and learning all about Him. I continue to tell them to trust in Jesus so they will see you too and learn with you.

I can’t begin to tell you what this year has been like. I am sure you don’t want me to have so many tears…but I just can’t keep them in much. Then come less frequent…but I don’t mind them when they come. Some people have a hard time knowing what to say. I just wish they would say your name. Like any mommy…I am proud of you. Maybe not of your first smile, your first steps or your first words, but I am still proud of who you are to your family.

You are one brave little boy for us. With many babies with your condition they probably would not have made it all. With a lung and/or heart condition and nothing pass your brain stem…well you defeated many odds. You cried when you came out and you screamed life to the doctors who thought we should deliver early to keep you from suffering. Well you should no signs of suffering…for that was a big concern. You seized often in the womb and stopped suffering, but you definitely didn’t show it while you were here.

I have never felt such love in that room we had you in. From doctors and nurses..to family and friends. The love was intense because we knew we had limited time. But you were so patient and you let everyone hold you. What a fighter you were…born alive…lived passed delivery (which was a miracle because your heart rate was in the 30’s) and God gave us the gift of 23 hours. I know people try to make us feel better and tell us at least we had 23 hours, but that is not what we wanted. We desired you for a long time and when we found out we were pregnant we didn’t ask for 23 hours.

This year has really tested me little buddy. In my patience, my love, my faith, my desires, my hopes and my dreams. You see this was not our plan. I really thought I trust the Lord that He plans our ways. It sure is easy to say it when everything is going the way you want it. Easy to say its Gods will because you like His will. But when things are not as you wanted, you feel desperate, depressed and down. Well then that’s when the rubber meets the road. I had to wonder if God is a good God? Did He really want this to happen? Does He make mistakes?

This year has been the hardest and the best all at the same time. I have met some amazing new friends...you know their children in Heaven. I couldn't imagine not having them during this time. What a gift God gave me in two women...one who began this road 15 months before me and one who is walking it at the same time. Its helped me to open my eyes to Gods blessing...whether big or small. On that note, we have also had friends we have known a long time who are still are friends. Seems strange I'm sure. You think everyone just embraces you however, but really its amazing that they have been so patient. This really has changed us sweet boy...but I'm ok with that. I'm learning to live with the new me and not try to go back to who I was.

Your life was a perfect gift to test me in areas I felt so strong in. I really did say "my children are not my own". I thought I gave all of you to the Lord. Sure is easy in word…in deed is a whole other story.

Even today I wonder what is ahead of me. Will I see restoration the same way that others have? My biggest prayer has been that Jesus would be enough for me. That I don’t need, nor deserve anything else, and that I can still say God is good. I find myself hoping for a healing like none other, but I also know my healing will look different from others. Maybe by nothing more…no gifts/blessing from God. Maybe my healing will simply be in that my gifts and blessing are defined by God and not by me.

I can tell you this son,if the Lord desires to give you and your siblings another sibling, in whatever means, it will NEVER be a replacement or a means of healing. You are your own little man...your own life to be honored. For God is so clear that He makes each and everyone of us perfect in His eyes. Psalm 139 is very clear. You are perfect. As we celebrate your birthday on Right to Life day each year, we will always remember that you were perfect and you had a right to life. You made your mark loud and clear. You were life and now you get to enjoy eternal life with your Father in Heaven. There will never be another like you!

That all being said. Larson… I can say that I DO with all my heart still believe in the same good God I did before. The same God that created me is the same God who made you. He DID NOT make a mistake. I know He loves you and I know He loves me.

He gives and He takes away and doesn’t always give another something tangible back. I know the one thing He will not take is His Son. The promise of eternal joy in Christ will never be taken no matter what I feel like day to day. I will step out into each day praying for trust in Christ, not in myself, and to be willing and able to following Him until I am reunited with you and I hear the words…”well done good and faithful servant”

So it is with a very heavy heart that we celebrate a birthday of a little boy. Its not the perfect birthday I planned for your sister and brothers…but it will be your perfect celebration. Of a life well lived but cut to far short…for me anyway! We don’t worry about you…you are having the best birthday ever. I’m even a little jealous! I love you little buddy! Have a great birthday with Jesus!