Losing Your Life

You may...or may not...have noticed from my last post that one of my struggles is figuring out, WHATS NEXT! I ache for my baby still...that has not gone away. It may not be as deep or as intense or for the whole day, but it is there. I ache to hold him. I certainly did not imagine the pain to be like this. This time last year I was just so tormented by the reality that I would watch my son die. I certainly thought that would be the hardest part. Well to my surprise, I just ache! Ache so much!

Yes I would love a baby to hold...my own baby. And not just a baby for me, but also for my kids as well. They were so excited for a brother or sister and now they are left with some of the same questions. Why did God take our baby? Will we have another one? Its not just me that lost Larson...my husband and kids did also. We are all navigating this journey in different ways. They all held him, kissed him loved him. They all picked out a webkin for their brother. They all put in on his casket. They all wept. The loss changed all of us, and brought us all questions. It seems one of my kids has one at least everyother day, or they talk about Larson. Hes on all of our minds.

So tonight while reading in "The One Year Book of Hope" by Nancy Guthrie. For those of you who have not read about her (many have who have lost children), she lost 2 of her own children. Anyway, I came upon this devotion. Not by accident I tell you...for God is good to take me right where I need to be. I want to share it with you. Its as though she was talking straight to me....I take no credit for this post. I just thought it would be easier and it seems she is much more eloquent then I!


If you cling to your life, you will lose it; but if you give it up for me, you will find it.---Matthew 10:39
Last weekend I called a young woman who wrote to me after losing her firstborn son, who lived two days before dying in her arms. His genetic abnormality is likely to repeat itself in future children she and her husband may have. "I want to be a mother," she wrote to me. "I want to have purpose and meaning in my life. I want to move on with whatever God has for me---but I don't know how to do any of these things. How do I mourn the possibility that I will never have a child of my own, when that has been my heart's greatest desire for as long as I remember?"
We had a precious conversation, but I could tell that the high cost of what I was calling her to do---no, what Jesus is calling her to do---was staggering. Jesus calls us to abandon our own agendas, what we have deemed will please and fulfill us, so that we can embrace the kind and quality of life that only He gives. This is not about adding Jesus to the life we are living. This is about making Jesus our life. This about putting our plans for our lives to death so that the abundant life he offers has room to take root and grow. And death is always painful. This is not an extreme brand of discipleship only for go-getter's. This is the call for everyone who chooses to be a follower of Jesus.
The problem is, we don't really believe that God's plan for our lives could be better than the one we've crafted. We don't believe we could be as fulfilled by the life he offers as we would be by the one we've planned. It takes a step of faith to believe God will supply satisfying life now and when we die.
"Your son has given you an incredible gift," I told this grieving mom. "He has given you the gift of being forced to reconsider the very purpose of your life. Those who are sailing through a comfortable life at this point have not yet been forced to carefully consider their lives and surrender their dreams. But because you have been shaken to the core, you see clearly that if you cling to your own plans and desires, you will never discover freedom and joy found in losing your life for Jesus."

All I can say is.....AMEN Ms Guthrie...well said. Its exactly what I have been thinking and exactly what I need to hear and beg God for....Give me eyes of faith to see how beautiful and satisfying my life will be as I die to myself and live for you. Yes the story is different in that I DO have kids with me, but the loss of the child is not about what you do have its about walking through the valley to discover what God is teaching through the trial. May I not miss it...Larsons life, though my 5th, was not in vain. It was not to be covered or band-aided by all the at leasts of what I do have. Yes we are to be thankful, but I know his life was more then that. I am not suppose to be stuck in tangibles. This has been hard. The balance of being so grateful and yet wrestling with my pain. Wondering if we will ever have a baby to hold or if Gods will is for us to move forward without another child...a sibling for my children to dote on, a sibling to watch grow up with. Maybe God wants our family to just use Larsons life however that may be without anything additional. Knowing my story will be what God wants, not what I want and not what other stories are. The tapestry is so big from above...would love a glimpse!

Thank you Larson for making my life uncomfortable, for making me have to wrestle with my thoughts, for discovering that life is not always as planned, that I look at your sister and brothers differently, that we have learned, and continue to learn more and more, that I have been shaken to my core to the point that I want to speak to God and have a relationship with him and not just a religion. Thank you God for the story you are making. May I be at peace rather then anxious. May I be present in the day, not needing to know about tomorrow.