Letting Go

This is the title of the last page of Nancy Guthries devotional..."A Year of Hope". This book has been a tremendous encouragement to me as I have walked this road of grief. Not only has she lost 2 children...she also is faithful to point us to scripture in the heat of the battle.

This page of Letting Go has been difficult for me. I know the devotional is for A YEAR and here I am 18 months later trying to let go. She states that the letting go is not of our child...but of the grip that grief has on us. I have said in the last couple posts that this is not as prominent on a hour to hour or even day to day basis...but when grief is gripping me....IT IS GRIPPING ME!

I have decided that it is time to go through things and let things go physically. This has been MUCH harder then I had thought. I had not gone through ANY of our baby clothes for Larson even when we knew he was a boy. I knew his condition was grave and the possibility of him coming home was not good. I wasn't being a pessimist..just a realist. Besides...he was 4lbs. 14oz....the little guy would not have fit. So I tucked the bin away. It moved from our garage to the crawl space without taking a peak....it was just so painful.

So in the last couple of days I have been taking things out of the crawl space for my garage sale. I wonder if I should just pack it up and give it away but my kids have begged to do a garage sale. I thought this would be a good learning experience for them....it has turned out to be a grieving time for me.

Our parenting journey began 9 1/2 years ago with our eldest child Emma. We knew we wanted alot of children but were unsure exactly how many. After Larson we felt that the Lords desire was for us to have one more. Why one? That was what we felt was put on our hearts. After losing the two babies after Levi we tried one more time. We agree when we found out we were pregnant with Larson that this was our last one.

So here I am closing a chapter in my life...so it seems. Its just that one of them is missing. I thought I was doing good until I started dragging everything out of that dusty crawl space. Wiping dust off of things seemed so cutting. Then into the bins I went. Looking through all the adoring clothing. It has been harder then I thought. I know this is what I need to do...what is holding onto all this stuff going to do?

Maybe I held on to it thinking maybe we would still have another...but it seems that right now we will not. I am grieving this as well. I certainly didn't want this to end this way. I know it is not the end with my other children. I have SO much to rejoice with with them. But even Landon sees the loss. Today while putting things out he said....
"Mommy....if Larson were here we would not be selling all of this stuff. He would be sleeping in the crib...riding in the stroller...and wearing the clothes. And we would be giving him tons of hugs" Out of the mouth of my 6 year old boy!!!

Landon is right. We would be using them, but we are not. We all know what we hoped would have been...yet trust what is right now by faith. I could only be doing this "grief walk" by the Grace of God. The Grace that He has givin to me to walk a journey in my life I NEVER wanted.

So I see others continuing there life with new life...new hope and new joy, I certainly wonder what the future will look like for us. Not what I thought...but beautiful none the less. Beautiful because my relationship with my Saviour is biggest then the clothes Larson would have worn or the stroller he would have rode. My Saviour is for eternity. So for the moments I live on earth that may be painful and even seem unbearable. Well they are because my Hope is not in this world and the things in it. My hope is in eternity. Eternity were there will be no more grief...or tears...or disappointment...or sadness.

So really I am just sharing my thoughts. Not because I am hopeless...but that I am hopeful that I can continue to let go of the things I had hoped for and HOLD on to the only thing I can....Jesus! This is not always easy. I wont' claim to have done it well or even right. But I am doing it....and the miracle is that I am still doing it by faith and faith alone.

So if you think of it. Pray for me Friday and Saturday as I tangibly let go of the things I wish I didn't have to....the things I wish a sweet 18 month old baby boy was wearing...but pray that I would hold so tightly to the One who is worthy to hold onto. The One who will not change...who will not fail...who will not die!!! I have definitely been fighting a spiritual battle in the last few days and I am praying with all my might for peace...hope...joy...and trust.