So now what???

So we made it through Christmas...Now what?

I've heard..."the first year is the hardest"...ok so now that I made it through this holiday is it suppose to be easier next year. I will be better about not having all my family here with me?

I tried to do alot of online shopping. Maybe it was to avoid the stores. Avoid all the Christmas cheer, when I didn't feel like having it. Well it didn't work. I still had to go to the stores the last couple of day for little things. Exchanging my boys pants and shirts that arrived (of course) in the wrong size. When I get to the stores, what do I see? Baby outfits to match his brothers, baby gifts perfect for him, children and babies and pregnant people all over the place.

Yes there was a time that I was probably "one of those" woman who had it all from the outside. Who know how many passed me by with a heartache and me having my children all around. Sure I look like I have it all....from a worldly perspective. The thing is I really do... I have more then I could ask for Christ and Christ alone. But honestly..my heart is still aching for the baby who we wanted so much.

This Christmas my womb is empty and so are my arms and so is his crib. Yes...not baby here this year to ooh and aah over. To watch as his had his first Christmas. No 1st Christmas outfits or photos. No 1st smiles or laughter. No not here. Not in this house this year. Where life was last year in this house, although in my womb.....there is no trace of it except for the black and white pictures declaring that he was here. He was life on earth for 23 hours.

I am trying to stay focused...focused on the true meaning of Christmas. The baby in the manger. The Son who came to die. This and ONLY this is what is getting me through this year, this season, this trial. Even with this...my heart is hearting deeply. I am smiling because of the grace of God. I am making it through because God has walked with me. As this year comes to an end, and the year anniversary of Larsons life approaches...I am sad and missing him so much.

I do wonder what this year beholds. Will it be more healing or more sadness. I know so many can comment on what that think or hope it will look like...but nobody knows. Will we have joy? Will we have more heartache? Only my Father in heaven knows...so I pray that you continue to pray. Pray that He would continue to equip me day by day or hour by hour. I am in need for an extra dose of Grace from Him and I know He will provide.

So as this season ends...yes I have made it through the year of firsts...but I sure it was with him, rather then without. I am walking this road not because I want to, but because I was called to. I am not always excited about it, but just willing because God is so deserving. Thank you for listening throughout this year. Please don't feel like you need to say anything profound to me right now. I know that God will faithfully give me exactly the wisdom He desires. I don't need advice, I don't need to be fixed...I just need to heal in my own time...In Gods own time. Everyone does it different. Different things help heal...not all stories are the same. But they are all HIStory. Thank you for seeing HIStory unfold in my life. God Bless you all.

I'm Spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this Year

I see the countless Christmas trees,
Around the world below.
With tiny lights, like heaven's stars,
Reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so spectacular,
Please wipe away that tear.
For I'm spending Christmas,
With Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs,
That people hold so dear.
But the sounds of music can't compare,
With the Christmas choir up here.

For I have no words to tell you,
The joy their voices bring.
For it is beyond description,
To hear the angels sing.

I can't tell you of the splendor,
Or the peace here in this place.
Can you just imagine Christmas,
With our Savior, face to face?

I'll ask Him to light your spirit,
As I tell Him of your love.
So then pray one for another,
As I lift you eyes above.

Please let your hearts be joyful,
And let your spirit sing.
For I'm Spending Christmas in Heaven,
And I'm walking with the King.

~© Wanda Bencke ~



I can only imagine the days you are having with Jesus. Missing you sweet baby boy! I know you are in PERFECT HANDS!

Finding the Right Words!

Ive really had a hard time finding the right words. Just 11 months ago, I held him in my arms. I touched him, smelled him, loved him. Many thoughts are racing through my head. I am trying to put together Christmas...whatever that means...planning a 9 year olds birthday that is on the 7th of January and also anticipating/planning the 1st birthday of Larson, just without him!

I often find myself thinking of years past. When being in the midst of all this craziness was not so bad. This year its the craziness along with the ache...the sadness...someones missing. Going to the store to get Christmas outfits and seeing all the adorbable outfits for little boys. But I don't need to be in that section, so why am I? I often wonder if I will ever get used to this ache. Will it always be there? Will it go away?. Will it take something else to make me whole again? Will I ever be whole again? So many questions, without answers.

I know that Larson took part of my heart with him. I willingly gave it to him. I want to be reminded of that person in heaven, whom I will one day see and worship Christ with. I want this ache to remain...just not so intense.

Its seems that this season has a lot of reminders of what I am missing. A little boy that will not match his siblings in the Christmas picture, a Christmas ornament with foot prints and hand prints...but no baby, a Christmas ornament with a picture of each of my children...one of the pictures will never change. It will always be the baby we had to give back so soon. We won't have a toddler opening presents. We won't have a brother to wrestle with or watch as he has Christmas. Yep...all of those dreams are dashed. We are left with an empty stocking, a picture instead of a body, a grave marker instead of a nursery.

As I have been getting ready for all that this season has and thinking of what I am missing, its good to slow down and remember what it really is all about. Its not about the presents, or the perfect Christmas picture that won't be, the tree adorned with beautiful lights, its about a perfect Son. Now Larson was perfect to me, but that is not the baby I am talking about. As I think of what God has given to us, I am reminded that nothing could be better. Amongst my aches and pains...God understands them also. He grieved the loss of His Son also.

As I remember Larsons life...I remember lots of kicks and hiccups. I remember praying that God would have mercy on him as we watched him die. We felt Larson live for 9 months, we watched Larson live for 23 hours and then...we watched him die. We watched his last breath, his miracle smile, his chest stop going up and down and then we heard no heartbeat...Yet, God was so merciful. Larson lived well.

Then I think of Christ. God sent His ONE and ONLY Son to die. To die for sinners. Christ was perfect He had done NOTHING wrong and yet He was willing to be a Saviour for sinners like you and me. It says very clearly in the bible:

Romans 3:23
for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.

God is not asking for perfection...He knows we can't do that...He is asking for you to believe. Not in Santa, or that you are good, or that you can become good...No just to believe in Jesus Christ.

Christ came...He did not live a life like Larson. He was mocked and ridiculed. He was put on a cross for an incredibly painful death. All the while God was watching. Could God have stopped the death? Could He have protected His Son? Most certainly...but He was willing to give His Son as a sacrifice for ALL who believed in Him. Christ would take the sin on himself, so we could live eternity with God. No longer separated by sin...

I miss Larson deeply. His life and death point me to Heaven in which I long to be with God for eternity. I hope you all consider the birth of Christ this Christmas while in the craziness of the season. God bless you all!

Happy 4th

As Prince Caspian!!


Eating his birthday donut!

My sweet little Levi turned 4 today...where did all the time go? He has been a blessing to us and on this birthday we realize what a blessing to have him for 4 entire years. Yes...God granted us a child for more then a day...more then a year...But 4 years.

What a joy he has been! He brings us much laughter and giggles! He is definitely articulate and wants to keep up with all the big kids.

Levis party was full of joy, and giggles, and cake, and dancing, and laughter...all from so many awesome friends! Young and old alike. Thank you again family and friend for walking this year so faithfully with us. Thank you for sharing in our joys and our tears. Levi thanks you also...He had a BLAST!

Here's to 4 years and I hope many more! May God draw Levi to himself at a young age and may my son desire to follow Jesus all the days of his life.

So Proud

Today my kindergartner went to school. Yes this is a normal activity during the week, but today before he left he asked for a picture to share. An ordinary thing for many, but today Landon was asking for a picture to share with his class of him with Larson. Again ordinary...except that all we have is pictures of his brother. As he asked for this...tears came to my eyes. Tears of joy that Landon loved his brother so much. What a treasure to have a baby bless for 23 hours on earth and yet 10 months later still be such a part of our daily conversations.

So we got the picture of Landon with Larson and off to school he went. I picked him up and as proud as any big brother could be he said.."I shared my baby with the class mom and I told them that he was so sick that he died". Yes child-like faith, child-like love. No shame, no sadness..just simple joy and being proud. As others shared about their new babies in their house, my Landon was proud to share the brother the was here for only a day...want a day that was. Never to be forgotten.

I am proud of my sweet little boy. Proud for his love of his brother. I am so incredibly thankful for his teacher who was so willing to have her student share about the baby that died. Our children's school has been so incredible...can't say it enough..with our story. They are never surprised that we still talk about our son, rather then are comfortable talking about him also.

I am sad that he can not take his brother to class to show him off, but thankful that although he is not here in our home...he will ALWAYS be in our hearts. Oh the simplicity of a child!!

Thanksgiving

Enjoying my family. It was a nice blessing to venture to Vail to enjoy one another this year. Last year we were still able to enjoy Larson although we knew his life would end on this earth soon. This Thanksgiving brought much to ponder, much to be thankful for. As we continue to move forward, by Gods enormous Grace, we have learned that there is much to be thankful for. I pray this year that we continue to cling to Gods promises. Although we never know what tomorrow will bring, I can say that through this year I know God remains.

Of course I continue to wrestle with many thoughts. Thankfully God is so patient. I pray that I will take each day as it comes and not get ahead of myself. I hope to cherish each moment with the children I still have. To keep my thoughts captive and to battle my fears and anxieties. Praying to trust Him more, love Him more, and know Him more.

10 months! Missing him!

I never thought I would be 10 months out and still having some hard days. It definitely seems the waves are further apart, but they still come crashing down at moments I don't expect.

The last couple of days were good. I substituted in my sons class...kindergarten. Well if those sweet children can't do a heart good...I don't know what will. Good to be around the light-hearted, free-spirited, honest-speaking, belly-laughing, adorable 5 and 6 year olds. It really was good for my heart. Kept me busy (not sure how I EVER taught full time) but then when the business stops, well then what do I do....THINK! No good at times.

Then...I woke up this morning so heavy...really not sure why. I feel like I could fall apart. My heart is heavy. The tears are on the surface. I am sad!

As I looked at the date it seemed so odd..yet not...that once again the 22nd has approached. This date brings smiles to my face as I remember my time with Larson, but can also bring me to deep sadness. The holidays are fast approaching and someone is not here. For some I know it seems odd that I would ache for my baby 10 months later and that I only new him for 9 months and 23 hours. I think the thought would have seemed difficult for me to understand as well...a couple of years ago. Grief is hard for those on the outside to understand. I also know that we have amazing friends...that although you may not understand. You have been so patient with all my emotions.

So on the weekend before Thanksgiving, I wanted to remind myself of all the things I am Thankful for... Harder when your heart is heavy, but no less important.

Growing up we went around the table to say what we are thankful for. I am sure I meant every word of what I said, but the understanding this year is entirely different.

So what am I thankful for?...
I am thankful for a husband who has stood by my side

I am thankful that our marriage has withstood a heavy test

I am thankful for my 5 children and all they have taught me, and continue to!

I am thankful for my friends Laura and Aimee, who I didn't know a year ago, put were an amazing gift from the Lord during this time! God does provide!

I am thankful I am not in my bed with covers over my head...IM serious!

I am thankful for the soberness of death, and the miracle of life

I am thankful for MANY friends who have been SOOO patient

Most importantly...I am thankful for Jesus Christ who died on the Cross for sinners like me.

I know I have said this many times, but on this Thanksgiving I would like to reiterate my thankfulness to my family and friends. I never new how I would handle a trial so incredibly deep. Quite honestly, Im glad I didn't. My faith has been tested and tried. I have been stretched and pulled. I am not who I was before but I can say my friendships are not either. They have been proven to be some of the best. They have grown deeper and fuller with much more openness, honesty and depth. I know I have been an emotional wreck at times and then in an instance, smiling. You must think I have gone crazy...well I have a little bit...but through the waves you have been there for my family. Words do not say enough for the gratitude I feel for your loyalty and help. Thank you for sticking by us in the good and the bad. You have encourage us and cheered us on. You have talked about Larson and you are ok with my tears. You don't think that I am crazy (at least I hope not) when I still talk about Larson. You are fine with my tears and my smiles. You have shown us such unconditional love and so family and friends.........I AM SOOO THANKFUL for what God has unfolded this year through my sons life.

He has shown me..life and death, hope and joy, sadness an tears, soberness and questions and answers, a new limp, a genuine smile, amazing giggles, incredible 23 hours, pain and suffering, laughter and love, faithfulness and sincerity and loyally. I have been tested, but my faith is stronger then ever. God is true to His promises even in pain. He has given those who receive the biggest gift of all...His Son Jesus Christ. God has stayed the same through it all. As I continue to change..He remains..and so does His promise.

Thank you for reading, thank you for listening. I guess this post shows the ups and downs...

Another picture...I can never get tired of looking our family!



I AM THANKFUL