5 Months!

I can not believe it has been 5 months since I have held my sweet baby boy. It has been a bittersweet day today. Thinking of all he would be today on his 5 month birthday and yet embracing the blessing he was to our family for just 23 hours. I would give anything to have him in my arms again for that 23 hours. Maybe to take in a little bit more of who he was. Smelling him again, and examining every inch of him to remember what I could. It just doesn't seem real that I had him for a mere 23 hours on earth. How could I ever possible get enough of him. Hard to believe that we really had a baby 5 months ago and that we give him back to the Father. I often have to sit back and remind myself this is reality. We really do have a person to visit at the cemetary and it is in "babyland".

I can only imagine what Larson is doing right now. I am certainly not worried about him. I know he is doing just fine. How could he not? He is the best place and the safest place.

How am I doing 5 months later? Still a very hard question to answer. Am I good? Well sometimes, but I am not over the death of my son. I don't think I ever will be, nor do I think God would want me to be. It is just figuring out how to go forward without getting so down about it. I know that I will always have the "mark" of a mom who lost a child. To be perfectly honest...I will gladly carry this "label" with pride the rest of my life.

God gave this family a blessing that not everyone gets to experience. I know this may seem wierd to some, but we have had the opportunity to see Gods grace, mercy, love and faithfulness in a way we may never have been able to without Larson. How I am doing depends on the day and sometime the moment. Summer is great, but I sure see alot of babies. It just makes me wonder about Larson so much. Would he like the swimming pool? What would his sister and brothers love about him? Would he love to snuggle like the rest of my children?

I am enjoying my other children and a whole other way then I did before. Trying to take in all the miracles I see in them everyday. Watching them laugh and giggle. Watching them sleep and then wake up. Blessing I never say that way before. I pray ever day that God would continue to give my grace to make it through. I know it seems I should not have to do this all the time, but I do see everything so different. I could I get through any day without his grace. Being a mom, aside from losing a baby, is a high calling and hard job. I have 4 little ones to nurture and admonish, teach and guide. I hope to cherish so much with my children here, knowing that God has determined their time on earth as well. We don't know how long we have and so I pray I step out of bed each day, whether it is easy or not, and walk in a way that would bring Glory to God. My desire to please him is greater and yet reality is it is sometimes harder. My weaknesses are more evident, His strength so perfect.

The picture above is of one of my most precious pieces of jewelry. When Larson died, the cemetery did his foot and hand prints. They shrunk them down and put them on these little pendents. I guess that is what you call them. I see them kind of like his "dog tags". I wear this everyday and it touches right at my heart. I am thankful to "carry" this with me since I don't have my son to carry.

Thank you to everyone who has continued to walk with my family even 5 months out. I have been SO blessed by your comments and emails. I can not express enough how much it means to me that you would still be willing to listen to a grieving mother such as I. I have some amazing family and friends and also some amazing new friends. Love to you all.