Phew!!!

Ok, so this was a day that I was dreading. Maybe that is to much of an exaggeration, but honestly I really wanted this day to go quickly. Today is my birthday and there was not much about it that I wanted to celebrate. I am 35 today, so the thought of being labeled "advanced maternal age" just really makes me sad. Last year at this time I didn't think about it as much. I figured at least I would have a sweet little baby to snuggle with and celebrate with. I have to say I DO have 4 other children to celebrate with today, but their brother is missing. On top of this, I found out my thyroid is not working correctly so I will have to take medication to get it back in sync. Really not such a big deal, but add it all up and it makes this birthday hard to take.

The day was uneventful. Swimming with the kids and a friend. I have to say, they are definitely what makes me get out of bed in the morning. In the evening I was quite surprised to have my husband bring me home roses. We then went to the restaurant that we had our first date almost 13 years ago. On top of that, he called ahead to get the booth we sat at on that night. Its as though we went back to where our journey began. Great suprise I must say. He is a gem and I am so thankful for him. He knew this day would be difficult, but as always he tries to make the best of it.

I have to say that throughout the day I have thought a lot about the last 8 months. That one year ago I was doing a garage sale. I didn't get rid of all the baby clothes because we were trying to have another baby. I found out just a few weeks later I was expecting Larson. During the last months I have really been pressed in many different ways. Most importantly spiritually. But in a good way!

As much as this has all hurt so much, I know I wouldn't change it. I would not be the mom, wife, friend, sister, daughter if Larson was not here. If I choose my path in life, it would be one of comfort with not a lot of hardships. Who wants to suffer? Who wants trials? Yet I know, I would not have this desire to know my Heavenly Father more intimately without this hard season of life. I know that in the last few weeks as I continue to try to grasp my new reality, that God is saying to me..."My Child, just trust me. What comes into your life may not be what you had wanted but as your Father I know what is best for you. Someday you will understand why, but for now...just trust me." I have had to be very intentional to lay my burdens, cares and worries at His feet CONTINUALLY throughout the day. I can not say that I have this down yet, but I want so badly to cling to Him with all my heart, soul, mind and strength. I know this is a daily choice, often a hourly choice and yet I know this is exactly what I want and what He is calling me to. I am only asked to do TODAY. For I know that I have NO idea what tomorrow has for me.

My journey as a believer in Jesus began just 11 years ago, and I can say that this part of the journey He is taking me on is challenging, often scary, but also real. I know He is walking with me just has He has promised. So as I walk into this next year of my life, I walk into it different. A different person. I hope one that has more understanding of my Heavenly Father and yet there is more He will reveal to me. I walk knowing I have no control over my future. I must rest knowing that only one does know the future. May this year be one of continually trusting Him and Him only.