How many children do you have?

Ok...so I know many people who read this blog have been in this situation. I still often wonder what to say.

At times Steve and I have said 4...as not to get into details and yet then we feel like we really have 5 and why deny Larson the life he had. There have been times that my children have corrected me when I say 4. I hear their cute voices pipe up and say.."no...remember we have Larson mom!" They are so proud of him like any sibling would be. They just don't get to share him in person.

As time has gone on Steve and I agree we want to say 5. We love to share the story of Larson and yet then there are times you can tell the other person is either uncomfortable or uninterested.

Really never thought I would have to think through a question like this. It is often asked. You mommies know...we all ask about the same things when we get to know one another. Now that my children are in sports...well this is asked often.

Trust me...I have done both and I have heard many comments pertaining to both...
-yes share...he is your son
-why do you need to share about it...hes safe with the Lord

I would love to hear from those of you who have lost a child. What do you say? For those of you have not lost a child...leave a comment also.

Honestly this has changed my life and really has put me on the opposite side of the field. I used to be safe in all situations. I used to feel comfortable in all situations. I used to not think twice what I said. I love meeting people and getting to know them. But this story...well it is part of me. I don't want to cling to it and yet I am not willing to let it go.

I want to be considerate of others and yet I want to talk about my son as I do all my other children. I want my other children to not be afraid to talk about their brother. Why is this so taboo? Why is there not some simple answer. Why are some uncomfortable talking about my dead son. Yes HE IS MY SON! And my children HAVE ANOTHER BROTHER.

So...would love to hear from you if you have some advice. Not going to get the t-shirt yet!

BTW...I don't share as much about my other children as I know this is a public blog and want to keep some things personal. I love them just as much. I say this because I have had questions about that. That maybe I don't think about them the way I should. I want to assure you. I love ALL my children and cherish them for who they are.

Our Story continues.....

For awhile after losing Larson, I wondered where our story would go from there. Quite fankly, I felt like I ran straight into a brick wall. I was totally unprepared to have this happen. My faith in Christ is what held me up, but I myself could not move forward. At least not as quickly as I had hoped. There was alot to process. I didn't want this trail to be in vain and I always hoped that I would be willing to let the Lord shape me. Therefore...I didn't want to ignore the pain or quickly run through it.

Well now 13 months later...our story continues. How? Exactly how God wants it to. No big news, no big story...its that we have gotten through this as a family that is our story.

15 months ago I had no idea what a blog was, nor did I have ANY desire to have one. Why did other have to know everything about what I was going through or how I felt. I also didn't have much to say. Life was carrying on just as I had hoped. When a friend suggested to me to start a blog when we found out Larsons condition I still hesitated. There just didn't seem like much to right about. His condition always worsened and I knew that giving out more information would allow people to GOOGLE more and send me stories. I know this may sound selfish, but it was taking everything to just funtion with my four other children. Ill be honest...my reactioned supriesed me as much as it suprised even close friends.

Well after Larson was born it was difficult to tell everyone individually...along with family and friends out of state...how I was feeling. Steve and I both grew up here and are 4th generation Coloradans! So to say we had a support system was and is an understantment. Its just it got overwhelming at times. So I caved and began writing. For communication and also for an outlet for myself.

What began as a way to communicate...also became a new world to me. I didn't realize there was so much out there. Good stories and bad. I usually find the bad. Sadness takes comfort in sadness. While I began to meet some of the most wonderful peopel in blogland, I also become somewhat obsessed with blogs. You know...I wanted to know the WHOLE story. Well that takes time...too much time. As I found my favorite blogs to follow, I read every entry. I felt that some of the entries were exactly what I was feeling and others I could not relate to. While this is good...it can make you question your feelings and emotions. I encourage those who are walking a similiar journey....do not question your emotions, the time it takes you to grief, your reactions. Its ok to keep them in check, but don't use other blogs to do this. We are ALL individuals and it just won't look the same.

It is safe to use this as an outlet until it becomes all you can relate to. There were times that that was me. Ok..im being pretty transparent here! Well I have not written as many posts because I have not had the time and sometimes the right words. And really I know I have to re-enter things even if it is sometime uncomfortable. Ok...with honestly I have not just started doing this. I have done this all along, its just now it is even more often. I really love people, but for a season I needed some time to process and emerse myself into the Word of God. Tons of extra stuff was overwhelmimg. But praise be to God that things are much easier.

Ok...so back to blogland...yes this may be a random post.... Anyway, while surfing through bogs, I would see stories similar to ours. Bad diagnosis, death and then the process of grief was on their blog. I really enjoyed "contecting" to them as I did not have much experience it this and many were going through this for the first time as well. We have all done it different. We have all blog our stories, emotions, faults, strengths, weaknesses, etc. We have all written...some more honestly and transparent then others...some have not said as much. But all have done it their way AND well.

Ok...back on the trail...So these stories eventually went to new pregnancies. They had something new to talk about...It was hard to see at first, becuse as much as I wanted that story it was not mine. I heard all about "rainbow babies" and Gods promises. I read about healing from a new baby, restoration, redemption and moving on. I just wasn't there. But I wanted it so bad. I began praying..."Lord, take this desire from me if it is not your will. and if it is not your will help me to be COMPLETELY satisfied in you. For you give and take away and you are good. You may not give anymore and you are still good. I need to know that whether our story has a new baby or an adopted baby in it or not...that you have not forsaken us. That you will still restore us, you will heal us, you will not leave us"

Well over time I can assure you....I am so grateful for our story. God is good. Seeing the blogs with people who have had babies or are having babies are not hard anymore. I can say I truly feel myself rejoicing with them. I can seperate their blog from mine...their story from mine...and knowing God is in control of it all. He still loves me. His promises are still the same. Baby or no baby we will proceed the way God wants us to. We are not promised tomorrow, or anything beyond that. So I hope to live in the moment. And if God so wills us to have another child. IT WILL NOT be to heal, or be restored, or to be a symbol of Gods promises. We will have a baby because that was part of the plan all along....and because that is HIStory not mine. May my desires in my life be for Him and His Glory and nothing else.

So for all you amazing mommies who have gone throught the heartache of loss and now continue down the path of joy with a new baby. I rejoice with you...Im praying for your little ones. I know this doesn't take away the pain of the one lost, but where you learn to balance grief, heartache, and despair...with joy, love and hope. I am loving your stories that God is creating. I have enjoyed reading them all knowing they are written with perfection in mind.

For me...It has been good to follow these journeys...it has been good to remember that mine will be different from theirs. All of ours will be different. So I hope that blogs will be a means to encourage one another, but not to compare one another. I was there...but God has carried me to a place where I can be thankful for the differences in it all. IT IS ALL GOOD....IT IS ALL FROM HIS PERFECT HAND....THERE ARE NO MISTAKES.

To God be the Glory

Check it out

So I woke up this morning and had to check on my sweet friend Aimee. If you haven't seen the videos of her "Gotcha" Day...Check them out here...with kleenex of course. This made my day!