Thursday, August 20, 2009

Mission Trip to Ukraine

My dear friend Aimee and her friend Jamie are going on a mission trip to an orphanage to the Ukraine. I have been so blessed myself by the things God has done in this family's' life....I look forward to following this part. Please pray for their mission and all involved. The following is the link to her travel blog. To God be the Glory!

Monday, August 17, 2009

The Garage Sale!! and a new blog-

We'll...I made it through the garage sale. Hard to watch things walk off my driveway. Clothes...carseats AND my crib!! :( So many precious memories that only I will cherish and do not walk away with the "things" although it feels that way at times. I can't say it was easy but when would it? My hearts desire was always to have MANY children and so its rough to feel like we may not. Who knows...Only God!

I started this blog specifically to update and communicate with family and friends on life after Larson. The changes it brought us. Our ups and downs. Just how we were feeling. As so many know...its hard to talk to everyone directly after the loss of your child and so this worked so well! So many of you who have read this blog are going through this very thing. It is taxing and emotional. This blog has helped me to write down my be honest in a safe place, without judgement from others. I really felt supported while keeping loved ones up to date. It definitly became something so much more then that. I would come hoping the Lord would also use this in a way to help others. If it has been used in that way at all...Praise God!

This blog was initally created for family and friends, and yet I have "met" some amazing people. These blog friends have gone through the same heartache of losing a child....some more then 1! I can't express enough of my thankfulness and gratitude for those of you who have listened and read. For your kind thoughts and prayers. Our family forsure felt them all! I am so incredibly grateful for the support and love from you all! I now have more friends who understand my new normal and what a treasure that is. God has provided well in our time of need.

Larson has 3 brothers and a sister who keep me on my toes and help me to stay present. After much prayer and thoughtful considration, I have decided to start a family blog. Our story for sure continues and for some reason this just feels right to me to start something new at this time.

This has been a hard decision because by no means do I want to diminish the life of my son. There is some fear that peopole will think I am over it and so I am "moving on"....I assure you, Im not moving on or over it...but just moving forward and pressing on. I know that staying at this blog doesn't mean that I am not pressing on. Either way I am just wanting to share the story of our family so I will have a journel for my children to have one day. So staying here or leaving...I have the same motive in mind...Glorifying God and sharing His story.

I know that God so blessed us with a son for 23 hours and with 4 more children here. I don't take this task lightly. Starting a new blog does not diminish the work God is doing in my families will not heal my pain...nor is it to make me forget. I am not switching blogs to leave him behind or to not embrace the story God has given to me, but to continue to write about our family with EVERYONE in it! Larsons blog will be up...I will still write from time to time.

For those who want to continue to follow what we are up to, may email me at, Looking forward to sharing! Thanks again for all your kind words, your compassion, patience and undertanding.

I will continue to follow so many of your sure has been fun to watch what the Lord is doing in so many of your lives and to advance His Kingdom.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Letting Go

This is the title of the last page of Nancy Guthries devotional..."A Year of Hope". This book has been a tremendous encouragement to me as I have walked this road of grief. Not only has she lost 2 children...she also is faithful to point us to scripture in the heat of the battle.

This page of Letting Go has been difficult for me. I know the devotional is for A YEAR and here I am 18 months later trying to let go. She states that the letting go is not of our child...but of the grip that grief has on us. I have said in the last couple posts that this is not as prominent on a hour to hour or even day to day basis...but when grief is gripping me....IT IS GRIPPING ME!

I have decided that it is time to go through things and let things go physically. This has been MUCH harder then I had thought. I had not gone through ANY of our baby clothes for Larson even when we knew he was a boy. I knew his condition was grave and the possibility of him coming home was not good. I wasn't being a pessimist..just a realist. Besides...he was 4lbs. 14oz....the little guy would not have fit. So I tucked the bin away. It moved from our garage to the crawl space without taking a was just so painful.

So in the last couple of days I have been taking things out of the crawl space for my garage sale. I wonder if I should just pack it up and give it away but my kids have begged to do a garage sale. I thought this would be a good learning experience for has turned out to be a grieving time for me.

Our parenting journey began 9 1/2 years ago with our eldest child Emma. We knew we wanted alot of children but were unsure exactly how many. After Larson we felt that the Lords desire was for us to have one more. Why one? That was what we felt was put on our hearts. After losing the two babies after Levi we tried one more time. We agree when we found out we were pregnant with Larson that this was our last one.

So here I am closing a chapter in my it seems. Its just that one of them is missing. I thought I was doing good until I started dragging everything out of that dusty crawl space. Wiping dust off of things seemed so cutting. Then into the bins I went. Looking through all the adoring clothing. It has been harder then I thought. I know this is what I need to do...what is holding onto all this stuff going to do?

Maybe I held on to it thinking maybe we would still have another...but it seems that right now we will not. I am grieving this as well. I certainly didn't want this to end this way. I know it is not the end with my other children. I have SO much to rejoice with with them. But even Landon sees the loss. Today while putting things out he said....
"Mommy....if Larson were here we would not be selling all of this stuff. He would be sleeping in the crib...riding in the stroller...and wearing the clothes. And we would be giving him tons of hugs" Out of the mouth of my 6 year old boy!!!

Landon is right. We would be using them, but we are not. We all know what we hoped would have been...yet trust what is right now by faith. I could only be doing this "grief walk" by the Grace of God. The Grace that He has givin to me to walk a journey in my life I NEVER wanted.

So I see others continuing there life with new hope and new joy, I certainly wonder what the future will look like for us. Not what I thought...but beautiful none the less. Beautiful because my relationship with my Saviour is biggest then the clothes Larson would have worn or the stroller he would have rode. My Saviour is for eternity. So for the moments I live on earth that may be painful and even seem unbearable. Well they are because my Hope is not in this world and the things in it. My hope is in eternity. Eternity were there will be no more grief...or tears...or disappointment...or sadness.

So really I am just sharing my thoughts. Not because I am hopeless...but that I am hopeful that I can continue to let go of the things I had hoped for and HOLD on to the only thing I can....Jesus! This is not always easy. I wont' claim to have done it well or even right. But I am doing it....and the miracle is that I am still doing it by faith and faith alone.

So if you think of it. Pray for me Friday and Saturday as I tangibly let go of the things I wish I didn't have to....the things I wish a sweet 18 month old baby boy was wearing...but pray that I would hold so tightly to the One who is worthy to hold onto. The One who will not change...who will not fail...who will not die!!! I have definitely been fighting a spiritual battle in the last few days and I am praying with all my might for trust.

Monday, August 3, 2009


For some reason I have really been aching for my sweet baby. More time...If only we could have a re-do! I really would be willing to go back...just for my 9 months and 23 hours with that precious gift! It hurt so bad...but was so worth it. The sting doesn't stay as long these day...but it still comes. I think I am more acquainted with the ache. It has become a part of who I am. Just as a scare becomes part of your skin. Its as though I just don't notice the ache until it becomes more intense or something triggers the wounds to open. It eventually closes up...but the subtle ache remains. But who could ever fully get over this....?

He was worth all the pain...all the tears and all the SMILES! If only we could do a re-do!!!

Sunday, August 2, 2009

My back is back!

I wanted to thank you all for your prayers for my is my update. I got the cortisone shot a week ago Wednesday and it has worked!! Praise God! I would say I am 80% better. I have actually been able to go on walks this week. I really am so grateful and I know that the Lord was guiding the doctors hand to the correct spot. When getting a cortisone shot it is likely that it will not work the first time. They told me that often they don't know the exact tissue to I'm thankful it hit the right area.