Thursday, February 18, 2010


As time has gone on and I have learned to negotiate this journey a little better, there always seems to be more questions and new territories.

I've always wondered when, if, how, with who and where I should mention our son Larson. Now two years later...I find that time makes this even harder. While I will NEVER forget Larsons life, its details and struggles, I know we must all move on. I am much more at peace when people don't mention his name. I don't expect it for sure. But as I encounter new situations....I often find myself having opportunities to share, or do I just want to?

Afterwards I find myself questioning...Should I have shared about him? Did people feel uncomfortable? Should I not say anything at all? I wonder if people wonder why I am still talking about it? Was that an appropriate time? Hope they aren't afraid of me!! :)

While in my heart I know Larsons very short life has been more meaningful then I could ever express I'm not sure others want to hear about him as much as I want to talk about him. He has changed me in so many ways. I look at life differently. I look at my children differently.

Currently I am in a parenting study. The book..Raising Responsive Children..has been incredible. VERY thought provoking as I consider how to raise my children unto the Lord but as unique beings created by God. Each chapter has many questions and encourages us to consider MANY things that go into raising our children. I can't help but think of him as a dynamic in our family and yet he is rejoicing in a far better place.

I never want Larson to be a crutch as to way we may be doing things a certain way...but his story has affected our whole family in some way or another. Each child has processed it differenty and things have manifested from it. I find them navigating life in a whole new way. Fears they never had. Questions we never addresses before.

While the wound is not gaping...the scar remains. But I constantly question....Should the scar remained covered so no ones sees and gets uncomfortable, and if not...when, why, what, where and with whom do I share.

I wish this part would get easier. Navigating social situations and conversations without feeling like you say too much or wish you had said more....praying for wisdom, direction, peace and strength. May God use our story and may I be a faithful vessel.

May I walk in the path that God intends and may I not listen to the enemies lies. Larson was life...He was compatible...He was given as a gift...He is not something to hide...He was and is being used by a faithful God

Monday, February 15, 2010

I find myself at a loss for word of late. Maybe a loss of thoughts. I've never been who doesn't have much to say.... My husband and close friends know that!

The past few months have been a time of reflection. October to January has done that to me the last couple years. I find these months full of intense memories. I try to not focus to much on them. I have four other children to focus on too! Which is a good thing. This year I have been more focused on what I do have...5 children...then what I don't or what I want but don't get. It doesn't take long for me to get on the wrong path and an even shorter time until it takes me down to despair and depression. Praise god for His strength and direction. Without Him...I would have no hope.

Larsons birthday was a great day. I went with a dear friend and our children to paint pottery. I thought it would be a food tangible reminder of our brave son/ brother. My husband and our dear friends husband played 23 holes of golf for Larsons 23 hours. They did this last year too! This year God gave a wink.... At the end of hole 22, my husband found a golf ball with an L on it. Yep! Coincidence? Maybe! I say a gift!

It was. Good day of celebrating his short but impact full life! The 23rd felt like a horrible dream. As I explained to my friend.... His birth is easy to celebrate. His death is hard to swallow. His life came with much joy and grief.

I am thankful to enter February. It seems fresh and new. While I feel this I cant forget the women I have met who find this month cruel or the other dates and months that are good for me, but hard for them. It never crossed my mind before. I had no reason for it. But yes... I know that while I am grieving, other are celebrating. Whether new life or one of their other children. And while I celebrate my children during certain seasons or months... others are navigating their grief. Ecclesiastes comes to mind!

Not everyone is on the same page. The only comfort I can get is God is in it all and He knows all our joys and griefs. Our celebrations and discouragements. Our hopes and desires. He is there. AND He cares! Others pass us by. Some forget. Some want us to move on too! But God is right where we need to be. Holding our hand and wiping our tears. Rejoicing in the beauty and weeping in the pain.

So I guess the last few months have been full of if all. It's been an easier year to swallow my reality or maybe I have just gotten used to it!. I've learned how to walk this road. What was once scary, and often debilitating has now become part of me. I've learned to walk this grief path in my own way with a faithful God. I know He will never leave me or forsake me!

As far as an update on my back---I am scheduling surgery soon. The bulging disc is pressing on my nerve and after almost a year of seeking relief...nothing has worked. I would covet your prayers as I walk this path. Also...yes a medical nightmare here!... I dropped a bowl and cut my finger! It hit a tendon and know need to go to a hand doctor. Please pray for healing and NO surgery there! Ugh! Certainly wish there were other things to report here! But trying to stay focused on the road God has set for me! He knows best!