Monday, February 15, 2010

I find myself at a loss for word of late. Maybe a loss of thoughts. I've never been who doesn't have much to say.... My husband and close friends know that!

The past few months have been a time of reflection. October to January has done that to me the last couple years. I find these months full of intense memories. I try to not focus to much on them. I have four other children to focus on too! Which is a good thing. This year I have been more focused on what I do have...5 children...then what I don't or what I want but don't get. It doesn't take long for me to get on the wrong path and an even shorter time until it takes me down to despair and depression. Praise god for His strength and direction. Without Him...I would have no hope.

Larsons birthday was a great day. I went with a dear friend and our children to paint pottery. I thought it would be a food tangible reminder of our brave son/ brother. My husband and our dear friends husband played 23 holes of golf for Larsons 23 hours. They did this last year too! This year God gave a wink.... At the end of hole 22, my husband found a golf ball with an L on it. Yep! Coincidence? Maybe! I say a gift!

It was. Good day of celebrating his short but impact full life! The 23rd felt like a horrible dream. As I explained to my friend.... His birth is easy to celebrate. His death is hard to swallow. His life came with much joy and grief.

I am thankful to enter February. It seems fresh and new. While I feel this I cant forget the women I have met who find this month cruel or the other dates and months that are good for me, but hard for them. It never crossed my mind before. I had no reason for it. But yes... I know that while I am grieving, other are celebrating. Whether new life or one of their other children. And while I celebrate my children during certain seasons or months... others are navigating their grief. Ecclesiastes comes to mind!

Not everyone is on the same page. The only comfort I can get is God is in it all and He knows all our joys and griefs. Our celebrations and discouragements. Our hopes and desires. He is there. AND He cares! Others pass us by. Some forget. Some want us to move on too! But God is right where we need to be. Holding our hand and wiping our tears. Rejoicing in the beauty and weeping in the pain.

So I guess the last few months have been full of if all. It's been an easier year to swallow my reality or maybe I have just gotten used to it!. I've learned how to walk this road. What was once scary, and often debilitating has now become part of me. I've learned to walk this grief path in my own way with a faithful God. I know He will never leave me or forsake me!

As far as an update on my back---I am scheduling surgery soon. The bulging disc is pressing on my nerve and after almost a year of seeking relief...nothing has worked. I would covet your prayers as I walk this path. Also...yes a medical nightmare here!... I dropped a bowl and cut my finger! It hit a tendon and know need to go to a hand doctor. Please pray for healing and NO surgery there! Ugh! Certainly wish there were other things to report here! But trying to stay focused on the road God has set for me! He knows best!


Sara said...

Please keep us posted about your back surgery. I am bummed that it is coming to that, but I will be praying for the Lord to heal through this surgery then... So much of what you said sounds and feels so familier to me. Praying for you sweet friend.

Jennifer said...

Hi Corie,
My name is Jennifer and I found your blog on String of Pearls. I have emailed with Laura some and she is just amazing. My husband and I are facing a very tough situation. Our son Eli has polycystic kidneys. I am currently almost 32 weeks pregnant with him. He is a blessing and miracle. I have read some of your blog and I guess I am just reaching out to women who feel what I find myself feeling. Unless God works a healing miracle in our Eli he will meet Jesus all too soon. He will not get to spend too much time with his two other brothers and sister. This is the most gut wrenching thing I have ever faced. Reading your blog gives me hope and strength that God provides grace where grace is needed. We went to the Dr. today and got to spend some time gazing upon our little Eli today. It is very bittersweet. I know that no matter what he will be perfect. I am just sad and so very scared. Thank you for sharing Larson's story! I hope your back and hand are healed.