Wednesday, May 20, 2009

When it stings...IT STINGS

Just a heads up...this could be a long post. Just writing down some of my feelings of today. It was a good day yet a rough day. A happy day yet sad day. This seems to be what life has for me now!! Let me explain.

I started my day with a fun trip to Casa Bonita with my sons first grade class. What could be more fun then spending quality time with my sweet boy. We traveled up with giggles and laughter in the back seat. What a beautiful picture from the rear view mirrow. A son gifted to me. children are a gift and more precious to me then ever. I hope I don't hold to tightly to them...but I sure do love them.

Well this joyous moment took a swift turn after a phone call from my husband. He graciously wanted to make me aware about something concerning another son...the one that we only have a grave site for, whose home is not here, who I miss so much....

This may seem so little to some...but for me it was big. Our sons grave stone had broken. It was his temorary stone and we knew we would have to get his permenant one soon. The problem is...we have just not been ready to do this. ITS PERMENENT! You don't change it out like you do the season or your clothes. IT will be his marker forever. We want to make it perfect...whatever that is!

Well after my trip to Casa Bonita with a wonderful boy...I dropped him off at school and headed to the cemetary. Not exactly the place I wanted to be. There was a time I found peace there...but right now, it just just stings. Why does that still hurt so bad? Will I ever fully embrace the heartache? I find that time does NOT just become accostumed to the pain and learn to live with learn to carry the pain...not try to get rid of it...just carry it!

Any way...I get to the grave site and go to his grave...but there is NOTHING there. Not even the BROKEN TEMPORARY stone. Nope! GONE! You could say I was hysterical...maybe a little crazy. Yep...I DID lay on the grass and weep. For this is where Larson is and yet there was NO STONE! After pealing myself off the groud, I got in my car and headed to the office.

Not the place I wanted to be. The last time I was there was for Larson Visitation before his service and then to pick up his death certificate. Looks like a great building on the outside...but you walk in and it has death written all over. I was greeted by a nice women who gave me a bottled water with none other then a label that said.....OLINGER MORTUARTY!! Nice think? So as I sip my water I am taken to a room to wait for a counselor. I realized that is what they call the "sales" people!

While waiting for the couselor...I thought usually you would read something. NOt much reading material here, unless you want to read about buying a headstone. The walls...filled with pictures then none other then grave stones. So I imagined whose they were. One was a piano...seriously! One was a small building! Crazy to be in this room. I shouldn't be here! I didn't want to be here! Larson doesn't care about his headstone...but I DO! Its all I have. No 15 month old here! Just a grave site to take care of!

So long story...short! I was told I need to pick out his final head stone. We are working on that. We are praying about what would be best. Really wish I had my baby and not these decisons...but I don't and I know.

What I praise the Lord for is...In spite of the sting and the pain and the tears and the hurt...Christ is on His throne. Like I said...the pain doesn't go away. Its just gets easier to pick yourself up from. I wasn't down all day...just a few hours. Honestly...that is progress people!

So I headed to get my toes mind together and then to go back to hug my W
WONDERFUL children. I know I have 5....I don't need everyone to know that anymore. I am getting used to the people who are uncomfortable around me....and so very thankful for my close friends who continue to walk with me through lifes highways and byways!

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Angels Wish

I LOVE this song...This man writes incredible songs and to think so many were BEFORE Miss Marias home calling! The songs only get better! What a gift God has given him. Listen to the words...Wow!

Was God smiling when He spoke the word and made the world?
And did He cry about the flood?
What does God's voice sound like when He sings, when He's angry?
These are just a few things that the angels have on me

Well, I can't fly at least not yet
I've got no halo on my head
And I can't even start to picture heaven's beauty
But I've been shown the Savior's love
The Grace of God has raised me up
To show me things the angels long to look into
And I know things the Angels only wish they knew

I have seen the dark and desperate place where sin will take you
I've felt loneliness and shame
And I have watched the blinding light of grace
Come breaking through with a sweetness only tasted
By the forgiven and redeemed

And someday I'll sit down with my angel friends
Up in heaven
And they'll tell me about Creation
And I'll tell them a story of Grace

Well, I can't fly at least not yet
I've got no halo on my head
And I can't even start to picture heaven's beauty
But I've been shown a Savior's love
The Grace of God has raised me up
To show me things the angels long to look into
And I know things the Angels only wish they knew

Monday, May 4, 2009

Balancing Act

I find myself trying to balance myself between enjoying my children and missing Larson. Yes...I still do!! I often wonder what things will look like in a year and then I remind myself only God knows.

I should probably have learned this by now, but my personality has always leaned on being more anxious for tomorrow and so it will continue to be something I will battle until I am HOME!

My days seem brighter, and I am able to take more breaths. These last 3 years have been full of anticipation, "plans" and disappointments. I often wonder if I will see restoration and in what way. I certainly find times that I do feel God is doing just that. Restoring my joy, my trust, by peace and my life. Its not in the way I would have thought or maybe even hoped for, but that's how this journey all began right?...

Desiring to add to my family... only for the very thing I wanted to be taken. Hopes dashed...Yet a story so perfectly and lovingly written by my Lord. Not the script I would have chosen to be a character in, but trusting in the God who works all things for good. Trusting He knows the beginning and the end and that He makes NO mistakes...even what is His good hurts so bad!

So I will continue to strive to balance my "new" life. Embracing what is new and letting go of the old. He makes all things new...NOT He makes all things what they used to be. Thankful for change!

Thankful for a God who is continuing to gently show me HIS goodness..not mine, HIS story...not mine and HIS promises...not mine.

Blessed by God....that He would walk with me even when I ask the same 'ol questions time and time again.

I have begun to stay balanced more...but I still have my times that I fall off the beam.....But grateful He is there even in those times.