Monday, May 4, 2009

Balancing Act

I find myself trying to balance myself between enjoying my children and missing Larson. Yes...I still do!! I often wonder what things will look like in a year and then I remind myself only God knows.

I should probably have learned this by now, but my personality has always leaned on being more anxious for tomorrow and so it will continue to be something I will battle until I am HOME!

My days seem brighter, and I am able to take more breaths. These last 3 years have been full of anticipation, "plans" and disappointments. I often wonder if I will see restoration and in what way. I certainly find times that I do feel God is doing just that. Restoring my joy, my trust, by peace and my life. Its not in the way I would have thought or maybe even hoped for, but that's how this journey all began right?...

Desiring to add to my family... only for the very thing I wanted to be taken. Hopes dashed...Yet a story so perfectly and lovingly written by my Lord. Not the script I would have chosen to be a character in, but trusting in the God who works all things for good. Trusting He knows the beginning and the end and that He makes NO mistakes...even what is His good hurts so bad!

So I will continue to strive to balance my "new" life. Embracing what is new and letting go of the old. He makes all things new...NOT He makes all things what they used to be. Thankful for change!

Thankful for a God who is continuing to gently show me HIS goodness..not mine, HIS story...not mine and HIS promises...not mine.

Blessed by God....that He would walk with me even when I ask the same 'ol questions time and time again.

I have begun to stay balanced more...but I still have my times that I fall off the beam.....But grateful He is there even in those times.


Linda said...

I think you'll have those days forever. A few years ago, a very old lady from my church died. I did not know her well, but I knew her daughter-in-law, who is my mother's age. Anyway, I learned that `Mary' had had four sons and one daughter. Her daughter died shortly after birth, and the doctor took the baby away because he felt she would "get over it" faster if she did not see the baby. Mary went on with her life and raised the four boys and helped her husband on the farm, but she never "got over" her little girl,and one of her dying comments (even through the veil of Alzheimer's) was something about trying to find her little girl. Mother love - so strong - it breaks my heart.

Yesterday would have been my Ben's 5th birthday. I miss him.

The Beidle Family said...

sooo sweet and so well said my friend. You are doing this well. I know it only by His grace. I am so thankful for you. We miss Larson...and wonder what the days would be like with him....we continue to pray for all of you. Miss you you!