Wednesday, May 20, 2009

When it stings...IT STINGS

Just a heads up...this could be a long post. Just writing down some of my feelings of today. It was a good day yet a rough day. A happy day yet sad day. This seems to be what life has for me now!! Let me explain.

I started my day with a fun trip to Casa Bonita with my sons first grade class. What could be more fun then spending quality time with my sweet boy. We traveled up with giggles and laughter in the back seat. What a beautiful picture from the rear view mirrow. A son gifted to me. Yes...my children are a gift and more precious to me then ever. I hope I don't hold to tightly to them...but I sure do love them.

Well this joyous moment took a swift turn after a phone call from my husband. He graciously wanted to make me aware about something concerning another son...the one that we only have a grave site for, whose home is not here, who I miss so much....

This may seem so little to some...but for me it was big. Our sons grave stone had broken. It was his temorary stone and we knew we would have to get his permenant one soon. The problem is...we have just not been ready to do this. ITS PERMENENT! You don't change it out like you do the season or your clothes. IT will be his marker forever. We want to make it perfect...whatever that is!

Well after my trip to Casa Bonita with a wonderful boy...I dropped him off at school and headed to the cemetary. Not exactly the place I wanted to be. There was a time I found peace there...but right now, it just hurts....it just stings. Why does that still hurt so bad? Will I ever fully embrace the heartache? I find that time does NOT heal...you just become accostumed to the pain and learn to live with it...you learn to carry the pain...not try to get rid of it...just carry it!

Any way...I get to the grave site and go to his grave...but there is NOTHING there. Not even the BROKEN TEMPORARY stone. Nope! GONE! You could say I was hysterical...maybe a little crazy. Yep...I DID lay on the grass and weep. For this is where Larson is and yet there was NO STONE! After pealing myself off the groud, I got in my car and headed to the office.

Not the place I wanted to be. The last time I was there was for Larson Visitation before his service and then to pick up his death certificate. Looks like a great building on the outside...but you walk in and it has death written all over. I was greeted by a nice women who gave me a bottled water with none other then a label that said.....OLINGER MORTUARTY!! Nice momento..you think? So as I sip my water I am taken to a room to wait for a counselor. I realized that is what they call the "sales" people!

While waiting for the couselor...I thought usually you would read something. NOt much reading material here, unless you want to read about buying a headstone. The walls...filled with pictures then none other then grave stones. So I imagined whose they were. One was a piano...seriously! One was a small building! Crazy to be in this room. I shouldn't be here! I didn't want to be here! Larson doesn't care about his headstone...but I DO! Its all I have. No 15 month old here! Just a grave site to take care of!

So long story...short! I was told I need to pick out his final head stone. We are working on that. We are praying about what would be best. Really wish I had my baby and not these decisons...but I don't and I know.

What I praise the Lord for is...In spite of the sting and the pain and the tears and the hurt...Christ is on His throne. Like I said...the pain doesn't go away. Its just gets easier to pick yourself up from. I wasn't down all day...just a few hours. Honestly...that is progress people!

So I headed to get my toes done...my mind together and then to go back to hug my W
WONDERFUL children. I know I have 5....I don't need everyone to know that anymore. I am getting used to the people who are uncomfortable around me....and so very thankful for my close friends who continue to walk with me through lifes highways and byways!

8 comments:

Now This is living! said...

In Christ we will all rise from the grave and no marker will be needed, nonetheless I cried with you tonight as I read this. I wish you had your baby too and I know you think often that he'd be barely walking and eating cheerios and wearing a baby version of the striped shirt you always have your boys in. You're right too, time does not heal the pain, we just get used to it. We are not the same for our loss and we thank God for that while we miss our babies at the same time. I'm glad you cried when you saw the lack of the stone and I'm glad you didn't cry all day too. I send my love to you and pray you find encouragement yet again because of where God has led you. Hugs, Hattie

Misty Rice said...

I can't even imagine the pain you must experience day in and day out......

Im sorry.

Hoping today is a better day and that once is BETTER, STRONGER, and more BEAUTIFUL headstone is in place. Just maybe it will be a little easier having it replace the temporary one than you thought.

Maybe.

If not.... Ill be praying God comforts you the way he can.

Tamara said...

Oh I am so sorry for this sting! I have no words, but that I love you and am hugging you now. Miss you friend....

Anonymous said...

Oh sweet Corie. I am very sorry about Larson's grave stone. This isn't something anyone should have to go through - yet you are going through it with grace and dignity and I respect you so much for that. As always, I wish I could be there to give a big hug. I miss you and love you, friend.

Angela Nicole

Sara said...

Corie, I am so sorry that all happened with the temporary marker for Larson. My heart just hurts with you and for you tonight.

I loved what you said about time not really healing the wound, but that you just learn to live with the pain... That is so true for me. You learn to carry the pain, it will never be gone, really. Some days I feel more comfortable carrying that pain, like it is a part of me, other days I can't believe I have to carry it and that this is really my life.

I am so sorry for the sting, but so thankful for your precious Larson. Corie, I can't wait for our reunion with our sons and our Savior:) Praying for you right now!
Sara

The Beidle Family said...

It breaks my heart that his stone was not there...bad enough that it was cracked...but gone...I am so sorry. I know the ache in your heart is soooo deep....you are an amazing mommy to continue to look after your precious baby. Yes, he is being cared for better in heaven but the sweetness a mother holds for their baby will forever be God's perfect plan....and you are showing that by stepping on that grass...starring at his place...aching to hold him and yet rejoicing he is perfect in heaven. Ohhh...the valleys are deep and wide and all I can say is I love you...I miss him.....and I pray for you continually. Thank you for your post....you are a true friend that shares her heart. I lmiss you and I am crying with you and laughing with you even far away!

Kiana said...

I heard about that from grammie and I did the same thing you did! I cried and I honestly wanted to find out if someone just didn't care about all those gifts to and from those sweet inocent children.I know just how sad you could be anty but I love you and I hope that you get this all taken care of!

Emily said...

UGH.

What else can I say? It just stinks to be us sometimes, whiny as that sounds. It's true.

But congratulations! You made it through one more seemingly impossible day and you're one day closer to Larson. :) (Sometimes that's the only way to look at it, right???)

Love you, girl.