Thursday, December 25, 2008

So now what???

So we made it through Christmas...Now what?

I've heard..."the first year is the hardest"...ok so now that I made it through this holiday is it suppose to be easier next year. I will be better about not having all my family here with me?

I tried to do alot of online shopping. Maybe it was to avoid the stores. Avoid all the Christmas cheer, when I didn't feel like having it. Well it didn't work. I still had to go to the stores the last couple of day for little things. Exchanging my boys pants and shirts that arrived (of course) in the wrong size. When I get to the stores, what do I see? Baby outfits to match his brothers, baby gifts perfect for him, children and babies and pregnant people all over the place.

Yes there was a time that I was probably "one of those" woman who had it all from the outside. Who know how many passed me by with a heartache and me having my children all around. Sure I look like I have it all....from a worldly perspective. The thing is I really do... I have more then I could ask for Christ and Christ alone. But heart is still aching for the baby who we wanted so much.

This Christmas my womb is empty and so are my arms and so is his crib. Yes...not baby here this year to ooh and aah over. To watch as his had his first Christmas. No 1st Christmas outfits or photos. No 1st smiles or laughter. No not here. Not in this house this year. Where life was last year in this house, although in my womb.....there is no trace of it except for the black and white pictures declaring that he was here. He was life on earth for 23 hours.

I am trying to stay focused...focused on the true meaning of Christmas. The baby in the manger. The Son who came to die. This and ONLY this is what is getting me through this year, this season, this trial. Even with heart is hearting deeply. I am smiling because of the grace of God. I am making it through because God has walked with me. As this year comes to an end, and the year anniversary of Larsons life approaches...I am sad and missing him so much.

I do wonder what this year beholds. Will it be more healing or more sadness. I know so many can comment on what that think or hope it will look like...but nobody knows. Will we have joy? Will we have more heartache? Only my Father in heaven I pray that you continue to pray. Pray that He would continue to equip me day by day or hour by hour. I am in need for an extra dose of Grace from Him and I know He will provide.

So as this season ends...yes I have made it through the year of firsts...but I sure it was with him, rather then without. I am walking this road not because I want to, but because I was called to. I am not always excited about it, but just willing because God is so deserving. Thank you for listening throughout this year. Please don't feel like you need to say anything profound to me right now. I know that God will faithfully give me exactly the wisdom He desires. I don't need advice, I don't need to be fixed...I just need to heal in my own time...In Gods own time. Everyone does it different. Different things help heal...not all stories are the same. But they are all HIStory. Thank you for seeing HIStory unfold in my life. God Bless you all.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

I'm Spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this Year

I see the countless Christmas trees,
Around the world below.
With tiny lights, like heaven's stars,
Reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so spectacular,
Please wipe away that tear.
For I'm spending Christmas,
With Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs,
That people hold so dear.
But the sounds of music can't compare,
With the Christmas choir up here.

For I have no words to tell you,
The joy their voices bring.
For it is beyond description,
To hear the angels sing.

I can't tell you of the splendor,
Or the peace here in this place.
Can you just imagine Christmas,
With our Savior, face to face?

I'll ask Him to light your spirit,
As I tell Him of your love.
So then pray one for another,
As I lift you eyes above.

Please let your hearts be joyful,
And let your spirit sing.
For I'm Spending Christmas in Heaven,
And I'm walking with the King.

~© Wanda Bencke ~

I can only imagine the days you are having with Jesus. Missing you sweet baby boy! I know you are in PERFECT HANDS!

Monday, December 22, 2008

Finding the Right Words!

Ive really had a hard time finding the right words. Just 11 months ago, I held him in my arms. I touched him, smelled him, loved him. Many thoughts are racing through my head. I am trying to put together Christmas...whatever that means...planning a 9 year olds birthday that is on the 7th of January and also anticipating/planning the 1st birthday of Larson, just without him!

I often find myself thinking of years past. When being in the midst of all this craziness was not so bad. This year its the craziness along with the ache...the sadness...someones missing. Going to the store to get Christmas outfits and seeing all the adorbable outfits for little boys. But I don't need to be in that section, so why am I? I often wonder if I will ever get used to this ache. Will it always be there? Will it go away?. Will it take something else to make me whole again? Will I ever be whole again? So many questions, without answers.

I know that Larson took part of my heart with him. I willingly gave it to him. I want to be reminded of that person in heaven, whom I will one day see and worship Christ with. I want this ache to remain...just not so intense.

Its seems that this season has a lot of reminders of what I am missing. A little boy that will not match his siblings in the Christmas picture, a Christmas ornament with foot prints and hand prints...but no baby, a Christmas ornament with a picture of each of my of the pictures will never change. It will always be the baby we had to give back so soon. We won't have a toddler opening presents. We won't have a brother to wrestle with or watch as he has Christmas. Yep...all of those dreams are dashed. We are left with an empty stocking, a picture instead of a body, a grave marker instead of a nursery.

As I have been getting ready for all that this season has and thinking of what I am missing, its good to slow down and remember what it really is all about. Its not about the presents, or the perfect Christmas picture that won't be, the tree adorned with beautiful lights, its about a perfect Son. Now Larson was perfect to me, but that is not the baby I am talking about. As I think of what God has given to us, I am reminded that nothing could be better. Amongst my aches and pains...God understands them also. He grieved the loss of His Son also.

As I remember Larsons life...I remember lots of kicks and hiccups. I remember praying that God would have mercy on him as we watched him die. We felt Larson live for 9 months, we watched Larson live for 23 hours and then...we watched him die. We watched his last breath, his miracle smile, his chest stop going up and down and then we heard no heartbeat...Yet, God was so merciful. Larson lived well.

Then I think of Christ. God sent His ONE and ONLY Son to die. To die for sinners. Christ was perfect He had done NOTHING wrong and yet He was willing to be a Saviour for sinners like you and me. It says very clearly in the bible:

Romans 3:23
for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.

God is not asking for perfection...He knows we can't do that...He is asking for you to believe. Not in Santa, or that you are good, or that you can become good...No just to believe in Jesus Christ.

Christ came...He did not live a life like Larson. He was mocked and ridiculed. He was put on a cross for an incredibly painful death. All the while God was watching. Could God have stopped the death? Could He have protected His Son? Most certainly...but He was willing to give His Son as a sacrifice for ALL who believed in Him. Christ would take the sin on himself, so we could live eternity with God. No longer separated by sin...

I miss Larson deeply. His life and death point me to Heaven in which I long to be with God for eternity. I hope you all consider the birth of Christ this Christmas while in the craziness of the season. God bless you all!

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Happy 4th

As Prince Caspian!!

Eating his birthday donut!

My sweet little Levi turned 4 today...where did all the time go? He has been a blessing to us and on this birthday we realize what a blessing to have him for 4 entire years. Yes...God granted us a child for more then a day...more then a year...But 4 years.

What a joy he has been! He brings us much laughter and giggles! He is definitely articulate and wants to keep up with all the big kids.

Levis party was full of joy, and giggles, and cake, and dancing, and laughter...all from so many awesome friends! Young and old alike. Thank you again family and friend for walking this year so faithfully with us. Thank you for sharing in our joys and our tears. Levi thanks you also...He had a BLAST!

Here's to 4 years and I hope many more! May God draw Levi to himself at a young age and may my son desire to follow Jesus all the days of his life.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

So Proud

Today my kindergartner went to school. Yes this is a normal activity during the week, but today before he left he asked for a picture to share. An ordinary thing for many, but today Landon was asking for a picture to share with his class of him with Larson. Again ordinary...except that all we have is pictures of his brother. As he asked for this...tears came to my eyes. Tears of joy that Landon loved his brother so much. What a treasure to have a baby bless for 23 hours on earth and yet 10 months later still be such a part of our daily conversations.

So we got the picture of Landon with Larson and off to school he went. I picked him up and as proud as any big brother could be he said.."I shared my baby with the class mom and I told them that he was so sick that he died". Yes child-like faith, child-like love. No shame, no sadness..just simple joy and being proud. As others shared about their new babies in their house, my Landon was proud to share the brother the was here for only a day...want a day that was. Never to be forgotten.

I am proud of my sweet little boy. Proud for his love of his brother. I am so incredibly thankful for his teacher who was so willing to have her student share about the baby that died. Our children's school has been so incredible...can't say it enough..with our story. They are never surprised that we still talk about our son, rather then are comfortable talking about him also.

I am sad that he can not take his brother to class to show him off, but thankful that although he is not here in our home...he will ALWAYS be in our hearts. Oh the simplicity of a child!!

Friday, November 28, 2008


Enjoying my family. It was a nice blessing to venture to Vail to enjoy one another this year. Last year we were still able to enjoy Larson although we knew his life would end on this earth soon. This Thanksgiving brought much to ponder, much to be thankful for. As we continue to move forward, by Gods enormous Grace, we have learned that there is much to be thankful for. I pray this year that we continue to cling to Gods promises. Although we never know what tomorrow will bring, I can say that through this year I know God remains.

Of course I continue to wrestle with many thoughts. Thankfully God is so patient. I pray that I will take each day as it comes and not get ahead of myself. I hope to cherish each moment with the children I still have. To keep my thoughts captive and to battle my fears and anxieties. Praying to trust Him more, love Him more, and know Him more.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

10 months! Missing him!

I never thought I would be 10 months out and still having some hard days. It definitely seems the waves are further apart, but they still come crashing down at moments I don't expect.

The last couple of days were good. I substituted in my sons class...kindergarten. Well if those sweet children can't do a heart good...I don't know what will. Good to be around the light-hearted, free-spirited, honest-speaking, belly-laughing, adorable 5 and 6 year olds. It really was good for my heart. Kept me busy (not sure how I EVER taught full time) but then when the business stops, well then what do I do....THINK! No good at times.

Then...I woke up this morning so heavy...really not sure why. I feel like I could fall apart. My heart is heavy. The tears are on the surface. I am sad!

As I looked at the date it seemed so odd..yet not...that once again the 22nd has approached. This date brings smiles to my face as I remember my time with Larson, but can also bring me to deep sadness. The holidays are fast approaching and someone is not here. For some I know it seems odd that I would ache for my baby 10 months later and that I only new him for 9 months and 23 hours. I think the thought would have seemed difficult for me to understand as well...a couple of years ago. Grief is hard for those on the outside to understand. I also know that we have amazing friends...that although you may not understand. You have been so patient with all my emotions.

So on the weekend before Thanksgiving, I wanted to remind myself of all the things I am Thankful for... Harder when your heart is heavy, but no less important.

Growing up we went around the table to say what we are thankful for. I am sure I meant every word of what I said, but the understanding this year is entirely different.

So what am I thankful for?...
I am thankful for a husband who has stood by my side

I am thankful that our marriage has withstood a heavy test

I am thankful for my 5 children and all they have taught me, and continue to!

I am thankful for my friends Laura and Aimee, who I didn't know a year ago, put were an amazing gift from the Lord during this time! God does provide!

I am thankful I am not in my bed with covers over my head...IM serious!

I am thankful for the soberness of death, and the miracle of life

I am thankful for MANY friends who have been SOOO patient

Most importantly...I am thankful for Jesus Christ who died on the Cross for sinners like me.

I know I have said this many times, but on this Thanksgiving I would like to reiterate my thankfulness to my family and friends. I never new how I would handle a trial so incredibly deep. Quite honestly, Im glad I didn't. My faith has been tested and tried. I have been stretched and pulled. I am not who I was before but I can say my friendships are not either. They have been proven to be some of the best. They have grown deeper and fuller with much more openness, honesty and depth. I know I have been an emotional wreck at times and then in an instance, smiling. You must think I have gone crazy...well I have a little bit...but through the waves you have been there for my family. Words do not say enough for the gratitude I feel for your loyalty and help. Thank you for sticking by us in the good and the bad. You have encourage us and cheered us on. You have talked about Larson and you are ok with my tears. You don't think that I am crazy (at least I hope not) when I still talk about Larson. You are fine with my tears and my smiles. You have shown us such unconditional love and so family and friends.........I AM SOOO THANKFUL for what God has unfolded this year through my sons life.

He has shown and death, hope and joy, sadness an tears, soberness and questions and answers, a new limp, a genuine smile, amazing giggles, incredible 23 hours, pain and suffering, laughter and love, faithfulness and sincerity and loyally. I have been tested, but my faith is stronger then ever. God is true to His promises even in pain. He has given those who receive the biggest gift of all...His Son Jesus Christ. God has stayed the same through it all. As I continue to change..He remains..and so does His promise.

Thank you for reading, thank you for listening. I guess this post shows the ups and downs...

Another picture...I can never get tired of looking our family!


Sunday, November 16, 2008

Finding Joy!

I have to say...
I am finding new Joy...
Even in my pain!

Continuing this path with God at my side,
Who could ask for more?

Today was a good day.
Things are not always so raw.
I feel I am embracing the new me and not feeling the need to hurry.
Embracing the good, the bad and challening.

I know God is getting us through.
I know that our story will be exactly what He wants.
I know I want that story too..whatever it is.

Finding Joy...
It looks different to me now,
It looks exactly as God would want.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Losing Your Life

You may...or may not...have noticed from my last post that one of my struggles is figuring out, WHATS NEXT! I ache for my baby still...that has not gone away. It may not be as deep or as intense or for the whole day, but it is there. I ache to hold him. I certainly did not imagine the pain to be like this. This time last year I was just so tormented by the reality that I would watch my son die. I certainly thought that would be the hardest part. Well to my surprise, I just ache! Ache so much!

Yes I would love a baby to own baby. And not just a baby for me, but also for my kids as well. They were so excited for a brother or sister and now they are left with some of the same questions. Why did God take our baby? Will we have another one? Its not just me that lost husband and kids did also. We are all navigating this journey in different ways. They all held him, kissed him loved him. They all picked out a webkin for their brother. They all put in on his casket. They all wept. The loss changed all of us, and brought us all questions. It seems one of my kids has one at least everyother day, or they talk about Larson. Hes on all of our minds.

So tonight while reading in "The One Year Book of Hope" by Nancy Guthrie. For those of you who have not read about her (many have who have lost children), she lost 2 of her own children. Anyway, I came upon this devotion. Not by accident I tell you...for God is good to take me right where I need to be. I want to share it with you. Its as though she was talking straight to me....I take no credit for this post. I just thought it would be easier and it seems she is much more eloquent then I!

If you cling to your life, you will lose it; but if you give it up for me, you will find it.---Matthew 10:39
Last weekend I called a young woman who wrote to me after losing her firstborn son, who lived two days before dying in her arms. His genetic abnormality is likely to repeat itself in future children she and her husband may have. "I want to be a mother," she wrote to me. "I want to have purpose and meaning in my life. I want to move on with whatever God has for me---but I don't know how to do any of these things. How do I mourn the possibility that I will never have a child of my own, when that has been my heart's greatest desire for as long as I remember?"
We had a precious conversation, but I could tell that the high cost of what I was calling her to do---no, what Jesus is calling her to do---was staggering. Jesus calls us to abandon our own agendas, what we have deemed will please and fulfill us, so that we can embrace the kind and quality of life that only He gives. This is not about adding Jesus to the life we are living. This is about making Jesus our life. This about putting our plans for our lives to death so that the abundant life he offers has room to take root and grow. And death is always painful. This is not an extreme brand of discipleship only for go-getter's. This is the call for everyone who chooses to be a follower of Jesus.
The problem is, we don't really believe that God's plan for our lives could be better than the one we've crafted. We don't believe we could be as fulfilled by the life he offers as we would be by the one we've planned. It takes a step of faith to believe God will supply satisfying life now and when we die.
"Your son has given you an incredible gift," I told this grieving mom. "He has given you the gift of being forced to reconsider the very purpose of your life. Those who are sailing through a comfortable life at this point have not yet been forced to carefully consider their lives and surrender their dreams. But because you have been shaken to the core, you see clearly that if you cling to your own plans and desires, you will never discover freedom and joy found in losing your life for Jesus."

All I can say is.....AMEN Ms Guthrie...well said. Its exactly what I have been thinking and exactly what I need to hear and beg God for....Give me eyes of faith to see how beautiful and satisfying my life will be as I die to myself and live for you. Yes the story is different in that I DO have kids with me, but the loss of the child is not about what you do have its about walking through the valley to discover what God is teaching through the trial. May I not miss it...Larsons life, though my 5th, was not in vain. It was not to be covered or band-aided by all the at leasts of what I do have. Yes we are to be thankful, but I know his life was more then that. I am not suppose to be stuck in tangibles. This has been hard. The balance of being so grateful and yet wrestling with my pain. Wondering if we will ever have a baby to hold or if Gods will is for us to move forward without another child...a sibling for my children to dote on, a sibling to watch grow up with. Maybe God wants our family to just use Larsons life however that may be without anything additional. Knowing my story will be what God wants, not what I want and not what other stories are. The tapestry is so big from above...would love a glimpse!

Thank you Larson for making my life uncomfortable, for making me have to wrestle with my thoughts, for discovering that life is not always as planned, that I look at your sister and brothers differently, that we have learned, and continue to learn more and more, that I have been shaken to my core to the point that I want to speak to God and have a relationship with him and not just a religion. Thank you God for the story you are making. May I be at peace rather then anxious. May I be present in the day, not needing to know about tomorrow.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Where does my help come from??? help come from YOU
....Maker of Heaven
...Creator of the Earth.

I have to ask myself often...Is this enough? Is the Creator of the Earth enough for me? Is my redemption in Christ enough for me, or do I need more? If only I had...then I would be satisfied. Then once again I have to ask...Who am I to ask for more or ask for something different? That is essentially saying, "God you messed up, I trust you are in control, I trust you are the Creator of the Earth and all that is in it, but I had a better plan then you" Ok! Yikes that is scary to think I would say that, yet honestly that is what we are saying when we are asking for something different or for something more

When Steve and I got married we always said we wanted a lot of kids. We "planned to have a lot of kids. Even saying boys, girls, etc. Although we always said it was Gods plan that was so easy to do! We began having children right away and 4 HEALTHY, UNCOMPLICATED, PERFECT babies in 5 years. Yep, easy to say God was good and in control right? Everything was going just as planned.I mean how hard is it to thank God and trust God, when the story is exactly as you want.

After Levi we were told to wait a year to have more children. I had already had 4 c-sections and so it would be best to let my body healed. Seemed easy. We could do it. We wanted to wait anyway and we would try again when we were ready. Seems to silly to me know. Who did I think I was? I am not trying to sound condesending, yet I find myself in awe as I look back at some of our thoughts and ideas, all the while trusting God.

So our “quest” for more children and ultimatly OUR desire began in August of 2006. I got pregnant but it ended up in miscarriage. How could this happen I thought. Well I trusted the Lord and after a couple months we were "suprised" to be pregant only to result in another miscarriage. What was going on I thought? We continued to try and when I got pregnant in May of 2007, I thought for sure this would be the successful pregnancy we wanted. Healthy baby and all. Girl for name it. Everyone had their story for me about their miscarriage and their subsuqent succesful pregnancy. How God took their baby and that as a result they had the one in their arms. Thats what I was waiting for...THAT story!

Well my pregnancy was successful with Larson, but not by human definition. We got our baby we had been waiting for for 2 years, but only for a moment. What was this story and where did it come from. I knew from the moment I got the news that, yes, this story came from the same Hand that gave me my other children. Only this time and new I would be giving him back. Probably my worst nightmare...yet I was living it.

I am still in awe of the story we have been givin. Often sad that I only had him for a short time, yet so grateful for the mighty Hand of God in it. I am told I am strong...let me tell you, I AM NOT! I have never been weaker...yet stronger in my faith in the Lord Jesus Christ who can take away our pain.

So where am I going with this? Well after 2 years of loss and heartache I have had to ask myself, will I be healed from this heartache? Will my story have a happy ending...whatever that is? Where is redemption.

As I look up redemption in the dictonary this is what I found...
Redemption means:
1. an act of redeeming or the state of being redeemed.
2. deliverance; rescue.
3. Theology. deliverance from sin; salvation.
4. atonement for guilt.
5. repurchase, as of something sold.
6. paying off, as of a mortgage, bond, or note.
7. recovery by payment, as of something pledged

As I look at everyone of these points I think of the same thing…Christ. Christ is my redemption. He was my redeption before time, before marriage, before children, before Larson. AND He still is. According to the definitions...and many scriptures...He came to redeem ME, not give me more. He came to deliver me, He came to save me from sin and condemnation. He came to atone for me, He came to purchase me, He came to pay my debt, He came to take the payment. No where is scripture have I found that because of loss, God owes me something more. Hasn’t He given me enough? I think for so long I have waited for the pain to be turned into dancing…which of course in my plan was with a baby…a healthy baby to be exact.

As of late my challenge is to just step foot into each day with faith knowing God is there and the plan has been written. I have no power to make a decision of what I want tomorrow to look like...if I did I can tell you it would look mightly different then it does now. I would have more healthy children in my pictures. So what am I saying or maybe what am I asking? What does our future hold? Sure wish I knew yet trusting to just live for the moment with what God has given me. To take my thoughts captive as they tend to go to fear and anxiety and praying for more joy IN CHRIST and more trust each moment of the day

Friends…I have been humbled to my core, taken down to my knees (where I should be) and as hard as it has been…I hope that my desire is to seek Gods will for me and my family every moment of the day. I really mean Gods will, not mine. Mine would be more healthy children.

Will healing come? Yes...maybe not completely on this side of eternity. Maybe a little wound/scar is good. Keeps me sober, keeps my eyes on Christ...the only comforter. I pray that I will REALLY trust God with His plan. Whether with a child or without, with Mr. Obama as our President, with possible wars or terrist threats, with economy ups and downs, finacial security or financial woes, ...Whatever it is...May I trust the God where all our help and securtiy comes form.

James 1:2-8
2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; 8he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

When trials come

I love the music by Keith and Kristin Getty....This is just another one to add to my collection. I hope you enjoy it. I pray this prayer often. Turn off the music below, and enjoy. Puts a smile on my face, I hope it does yours also.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

He is still on His Throne!

Our God reigns!!!

Yes He does. I take great comfort in knowing that God is in control.
He was in control when He formed the stars and the ground and the animals and MAN!
He was in control when He raised kings that honored Him and when they did not.
He was in control when I was born, got married, had children and...
He was in control when Larson was created and born on January 22, 2008---the
35th Anniversary of Right to life day, no mistake there? Right?

He has never lost control. I truly know God already knew who would win last nigght! I am comfortable that I voted for a man who would aligned with my beliefs about life,a man that understands what it means to fight and protect our country. That man did not win. I stuck by my convictions and what God has called us to in His Word.

That being said I will be praying for our President and the leadership in this country that were elected. I will pray for the decisions they will be having to make. I will continue to pray for the protection of all the unborn children.

I continue to trust that our God reigns. My hope remains the same as it did the day I found out my son would not live on this earth, for the 17 weeks that I carried him unto his death and the day I had to say good-bye. My hope is in the only thing that will never change and will walk with me through the valleys and the peaks. That hope is in Christ. Life will continue to have its peaks and valleys, but I will continue to trust Him, obey Him and put my hope in Him and Him only. I will continue to know that He is

Our God reigns! Nothing is hidden from Him!

Monday, October 27, 2008

Conversations with Levi

Today Levi (my 3 year old) and I had the following conversations. I had to share it...

Levi: Mom, we have 5 kids in our family.

Me: Yes and Larson is with Jesus. What do you think he is doing?

Levi: Playing with Pearl and Sophie.

Me: Yes probably. Hes probably having so much fun.

Levi: Why didn't you die with should've!

Me: Why should I have dies also?

Levi: Because you were with him.

Me: Well..I was not sick though. He was in my tummy and he came out, but we knew he was a sick little man.

Levi: Well we should have brought him home to make him feel better.

Me: Well we knew that he did not have his brain and that he would not be able to live.

Levi: Well you should have taken him to the doctor so he could be better.

Me: We did talk to the doctor, but there was nothing we could do.

Levi: Well I still think we should have got him home fast....then he would be better.

Oh out of the mouth of babes. Levi LOVES talking about his brother and I think every worker from target to walmart to the outlet mall knows about Larson. Any comment pertaining to "how many kids we have..." Levi will always make sure they know about "Larson, my brother who died!" Amazing the effect Larson had on his siblings. Although small...his life was large!

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Some Days...

Some days are just hard...
Without warning...
Without explanation...
Without reason...

Some days just hurt!

Missing my son. Remembering my my time with him (9 months and 23 hours) and my time without him (9 months and 3 days).

Praying for an extra dose of comfort tonight from the greatest Comforter there is. Holding on to Christ...even in my sadness!

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Walk to Remember

I wanted to take the opportunity to post some pictures from last weekends Walk to Remember in Colorado. I signed up awhile ago, but as it approached and the weather looked gloomy, I was wavering over whether I should go at all. I didn't want to make my husband go if he didn't feel comfortable and I wasn't sure about my kids. I am not sure why it became a big decision...everything seems to be for me lately. A little indecisive...a little preoccupied.

Anyway, I expressed this to a dear friend and she decided to contact a few friends to meet me (my kids all wanted to go) and walk in honor of Larson. I can not tell you how blessed I was (and Steve) to have friends walk beside me. I would like to thank them each for walking with my family...not just on Saturday but since October 2nd.

With that being said, there were MANY others that I know I could have called on as well to walk. Next time I'll plan better! I continue to praise God for the MANY faithful friends He has put...and our lives during this time. Some are new friends..Aimee and Laura!, and my blogger friends!...although it doesn't seem that way, Others are old friends (family is included in this! Our families rock!) and some are friends I have known for awhile but our friendships have grown deeper and stronger. Thank you to each and everyone of you from the bottom of my hearts. Words just don't say enough..but I try.

I know at times it has not been easy for either of us. Often we don't know what to say to one another. There has been times of awkwardness and yet you have been willing to be awkward. There were times you don't know what to say and yet you listened. There were times you just wanted to fix it (THANK YOU! I WISH!) and yet you were satisfied to pray and just hold our hands. There were times I didn't return calls or emails and yet you continued to leave loving messages or continue to offer help. I know you all were probably exhausted as well, confused, sad and burdened. You have helped carry it with us just being doing what you did...persevering with us! You didn't give up on us. You walked with us. I could go on and on...hopefully you all get the point! THANK YOU

Please excuse my look...Denver was raining and it just doesn't work with naturally curly hair. I know pretty vain to tell you this!

Monday, October 13, 2008

October 15th is pregnancy and infant loss awareness day

I have never thought about this before...probably because I never had to. This year is different. As I write this I want those around me to think of others who may have gone through loss either recently or even years ago. I think people may think that because a child died either young, or a while ago that the pain just goes away. It no different then someone with an illness that they didn't ask for. Families who lose children did not ask for this story...yet they are living it. They are survivors...God is so good!

Well as a mother now of a baby that left us far sooner then we had hoped...the pain is still here, and yet I am a survivor. I choose to move forward and enjoy my children each and every day. I choose to think of Larson and talk about him because I love him the same. The pain is different now, it doesn't sting as much, but the reality son is gone and I miss him. I mourn the death of my son and yet I know how very blessed I am to have been "chosen" to carry this precious baby. To give him a give him watch miracles unfold before my eyes...Larson will forever be our baby and for that I feel like one blessed mommy. The pain has been worth it and the change in my life as well. I continue to pray how God will guide me and my family, into the future and how we will be able to use the heartache and joy from this year to help others who may also be feeling a loss of some sort. I continue to step into each day by the Grace of God with hope and perseverance to enjoy what God has given me. At times it is not easy. I have to step forward without someone...but we are going to honor Larsons life by doing this.

I ask you to be aware of those around you. Often it is obvious who is sick, but it is not so obvious to see a persons heartache. The loss of a child is difficult. I hope that through this journey I have been able to express my thoughts and emotions so some of my family and friends can understand this journey. Not everyone will do it the same, some may not ache as long or even hurt the same. Its not up to you to decide what it should look like. Just be there when your friend needs you however that may look without expectations. As a mom whose son is gone...I always enjoy him being acknowledged and hearing his name. He was here if even for a day! He will NEVER be forgotten!

Our Family of 7...for a day!

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Not much to say!

Ive tried to sit down a few times to type and I just feel like I have so many thoughts in my head and its just so hard to sit down and write them down. I know my posts may at times be choppy and this will be some of the same.

I have my good days and then my bad ones. I am not ever sure why they are the way they are...except that I am sure the many prayers and the additional grace from God makes the difference.

I continue to walk through the fire (i...there is no where else to go. I will take the joy and the pain when I have to although quite honestly I wish to avoid it.

My tears still come, maybe just not as often. There is something about tears that makes it feel better. It seems just yesterday we found out about Larson and yet it also seems like so far away that I held his beautiful little body in my arms.

I sit here tonight with sadness. I really am tired at night, but I have a hard time relaxing! I know that Gods mercies are new everyday so I am praying for a good day tomorrow. I am going on a field trip with Luke...what else could be better then spending some time with my kids.

We continue to be so grateful for all of you who have walked along side well AND so patiently. Sure wish I could tell you what this will look like tomorrow, or in a week or a month or a year...But I can't. So for those who have let us be who we need to be...THANK YOU!

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Who Knew???

Who knew 365 days ago that TUESDAY would be a harder day then today?
Who knew 365 days ago that I would have a peace TODAY that I can not explain?
Who knew 365 days ago that LARSON would not be in my home but his heavenly home?
Who knew 365 days ago that we would be walking this story?
Who knew 365 days ago how many tears I would shed?
Who knew 365 days ago that I would have a marker at a cemetery?
Who knew 365 days ago what each day would look like?
Who knew 365 days ago that so many would be praying for my family?
Who knew 365 days ago who would walk this journey with us?
Who knew 365 days ago just where Larsons story would go?
Who knew my story before I did?

God knew. God knew 365 days ago. God knew before time my story...His story. My faithful Father in Heaven knew all of this. My God who knew that He would have to sacrifice His one and ONLY Son. My God who put His Son, who had no sin, on the cross to pay for sin. He is the same today as He was Yesterday. And He will be the same tomorrow.

Psalm 23:4
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For you are WITH me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

My friend Aimee said it so well in her own blog. The signnificance of this date(October 2nd) is big because its the day we lost Larson. Without a brain, without an amazing miracle we knew what we were headed for. We lost our dream, we lost our plan, we lost our son...but we have not lost hope. We did have 17 more weeks with him but the weight was great. I can only say that IT IS Gods grace that has us where we are today...Still Believing!

I can say today...with confidence and through tears and sorrow and joy...I STILL BELIEVE!
Jeremy Camp wrote this song following the death of his wife of less then a year. She died of cancer in her early 20's. They knew before they got married that her cancer was back, he loved her well...he loved her to the end...AND he can stil say he believes in the same God he believed in before this heartache. I love the words!

Tuesday, September 30, 2008


Today was a rough day and I found myself unprepared for it. I always thought "THE DAY" would be the hardest and for us the date was October 2nd. Although today was hard. We found out about Larson on a Tuesday. The air seemed similar as did the weather. I did many of the same things and it felt similar. I guess as I went through the day it seemed surreal. Surreal because at times I still feel like I have lived a dream. I began to consider my life a year ago...365 days....

On this day a year ago, I never imagined that....
I would be visiting my son at a cemetery rather then waking him from a nap
I would be planning a funeral rather then a nursery
That I would pick out an outfit to bury my son in rather then a "take home outfit"
That I would be making decisions for a birth plan that was 3 pages long
That I would enter into suffering more then I could ever imagine
I would find out that my baby was a boy and that he would die...all at the same time.
That I would go into a hospital to have a baby and walk out with empty arms
That I would have only 23 hours with my son
That I would have a tattoo with my sons foot on my foot
Friendships would change...some are stronger, some are weaker
That I would feel uncomfortable in situations that I have always felt comfortable
That death would be real to me because it has know come to my house
I would see my husband as an even stronger man then I did before
That I would be so weak and yet seek Christ more

But...I can also say that one year later...
I love God more then I did before
I hope to know God more intimately each and every day
I do not find tears as a weakness
I desire to have intimate and real relationships rather then just surface
I hope to comfort others as they may walk this path
I live every day knowing it very well could be my last
I try to intentionally spend time with my children
I am learning to embrace the pain of loss rather then run from it
I walk with a limp and am not ashamed
We have amazing friends who have walked so well with us no matter our emotions.
We have friends who are willing to love us unconditionally as Christ has
We have amazing family who have supported us well.
Our family and friends are willing to let us grieve the way we need to, and have put no boundries on the time or what it should look like...Thank you.

Life changed for me and my family on October 2nd, 2007. We laugh different, we smile different, we rejoice different, we see things different...and I am thankful for the change.

I do miss the old Corie sometimes..the care free spirit, the "ignorance", the innocence, the thoughts...but I am thankful that God has shown me that this life is marked by suffering and that our trust in Christ will bring us to an eternity where there will no longer be sadness and tears.

I want to reassure people..for those who have commented on their concerns...I am not depressed, just more sober-minded. I am doing fine. I am not defeated, I have been strengthen. Gods mercies are new every day and He has been so faithful to give them.

I take each day as it comes as I know that is all I am guaranteed. Because I am not the same does not mean that I am not OK. Rather I know that God gave me this time for a reason. The purpose I may never know. But just as Jacob wrestled with God and came out with a limp...I too am changed. I will walk with a limp while rejoicing that God has been faithful to walk with me (sometimes carry me) as He has promised, wrestling me while reminding me that He is worthy to be Praised. With that said...THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL THE LOVE YOU HAVE GIVEN TO MY FAMILY!

Turn off the songs below and listen. A song by Steven Curtis Chapman. A song I love to hear and worship with. I believe you Lord...You are good...You are worthy to be praised...You are with us...You are faithful.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

October 2nd!

Today is not October 2nd...yet! But this date is heavy on my heart and my mind. It is the day that I will never forget...a day that changed our lives and our family forever. The day I found out that the baby we so wanted would not live with us on earth for very long. The day God began to show me my weaknesses and my utter dependence on His strength.

I got pregnant in May of 2007 following two miscarriages in 2006. The miscarriages rocked me because I had had four healthy children close together with no problems. I say this with complete humbleness now. I don't think I ever pondered the reality of loss. I never had anything like this before. So in my ignorance (yes I believe that is what it is) I entered into each pregnancy with the expectation that I would have a healthy baby in 9 months.

when I got pregnant in May of 2007 I actually pondered for the first time if this baby may not be ok. I know that this was absolutely the Holy Spirit preparing me for what was to come. I hesitated telling people my news and I chalked my hesitation up to not wanting to hear people say things about having a 5th child. In reality, I was just so concerned about the baby. I also thought maybe my hesitance was because it was following my miscarriages. But deep down it was more then that. Something just didn't seem right.

In July of 2007 we went to the beach with some friends. As I talked on the beach with my friend, I shared my concerns with her. She of course encouraged me and and said it was probably nothing. I shared my concerns with my sister in law who is a doctor and of course Steve. All of them passed it off as nothing...just my weakness of worrying (which I did a lot of anyway). Still I knew it was something different.

October 2nd was a date I put up on our white board calender. The calender we wipe days off as we go. My kids were excited about the baby and could not wait to find out if it was a boy or a girl. So as October 2nd rolled around I told Steve that although we talked about having Emma come, I was concerned (yes again) that if something was wrong she would be in the room. He thought it would be fine.

October 2nd finally came and with a nervous stomach, my husband and yes Emma in tow we went to the OB/GYN's office to have my "routine" ultrasound at 20 weeks. I sat staring at the other women with their ultrasound pictures and I could not get rid of my nervousness.

We were called back to the room...and our life was soon to turn upside down or whatever you want to call it. The ultrasound tech had been there for years. She did the ultrasound for all of my other children. Therefore I could tell by her voice, and body language...something was terribly wrong. After many minutes (seemed like hours) we went to see the doctor. Of course my doctor was out of town. My doctor has known me my whole life, his dad delivered me and my siblings and my mom grew up with him. Needless to say the doctor had a horrible, stoic look on her face.

The doctor proceeded to tell us she had some concerns. Our baby had A LOT of fluid in his head, fluid in his chest cavity. She was sending us to a Level II ultrasound right away. All of this was new for me and the panic set in. I left the office barely able to stand up. Steve though it may be fixable...I on the other hand new it was bad.

The next day...which seemed like forever..we went to the next appointment. It is during this appointment that we found out that our baby would not live for long if at all. We will never know if Larson had lung or heart issues because we did not want to do further testing, but based on the amount of fluid in the chest we were told that most likely something was going on. The most severe issue was his brain or lack of one I should say. I write know with tears following as I remember the details of this day. Details that will be etched in my mind forever. Memories that I want to hang on to and yet some I wish I could let go of.

I ask for prayer as we go through this week. I have continue to walk with trust in my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, but with that hope I have also had MANY tears. I want to take this opportunity to that many family and friends that have been willing to let us walk through this journey the way God intended us to...without a time line, without expectations, with tears and questions yet with hope and trust. I have found so many of you to be MORE then I expected you to be. I know that I am not the same person I was a year ago. I grieve the loss of my ignorance, my care free spirit and the joy that I found in life...Yet I rejoice in the mercies God gives me each day...I rejoice in what Christ did on the cross...I rejoice in my sober mindedness that I am not guaranteed even one more day....I rejoice in who God is molding me into. Yes with much heartache, sadness, tears, weariness and loss of much, I DO STILL REJOICE IN CHRIST. He is still my hope, He is still my all and all. He is what I so desire to live my life for.

I continue to covet your prayers as we go through our process of grieve...whatever it may look like and for however long it may be....THANK YOU!

Monday, September 22, 2008

Tonights update!

Thank you all for praying. Nathan is out of surgery and doing well! He is talking and responding. Praise God for this. The doctors were unsure what would be affected based on where the tumor was located. That being said, the surgeon was very encouraged. He said that "he accomplished everything he set out to do, draining the fluid and getting to the tumor and biopsying it." Please continue to pray for this family as they need much rest to continue on in this journey however it may look. Of course continue to pray that the tumor is NOT cancerous and that God would spare the life of this sweet little boy. Thank you again for your prayers on this families behalf!

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Pray for Monday

I am writing tonight...Sunday evening to request more prayer for our friends...
Nathan will be having surgery tomorrow (Monday) at 12:30 pm MST. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE be praying. At this point I know that the tumor has wrapped itself around the optic nerve and the pituitary gland. Obviously these are things that you don't want hurt more. I believe the doctors are going to go in and try to drain the fluid from the tumor since it seems they will not be able to take it out. This is the information I know right now.
So please pray for
1. strength for the family...they have 3 other children who are walking this path with them
2.peace that surpasses all understanding while waiting for the surgery
3.the surgeons hands to be able to successfully do what they are intending to do.
4. a miracle that the tumor is not cancerous, smaller then they think and could be removed
I appreciate all your prayers on this families behalf. I will keep you post...until then thank you!

Friday, September 19, 2008

Urgent Prayer Request

Dear fellow bloggers/readers,
I would covet your prayers for a friend of mine. Without giving out names...because we know our good God knows everything going on.
My friends son (5 years old) was taken to the doctor because of concerns that he was having numbing in his hand and foot. After further testing the doctors have told them that the little boy has a brain tumor. He will have an operation on Monday to remove the tumor. I don't know all the details, but I do know that prayer works when we feel fear, concern and questions. Please pray for this family as they have just recieved this diagnosis. For peace, for direction, for comfort and especially for an amazing healing if God so desires. I appreciate your prayers in advance. I'll keep you posted!

Thursday, September 4, 2008


The last few weeks have been busy, but not without alot of emotions.
Emma, Luke and Landon all started school. I continue to pray about our decision with schooling. I miss my children immensely during the day, but right now we feel that being at this school is the best for them.

Having Levi at home has been a blessing, but I can't help but think of how thinks were suppose to be! Yes I can totally trust a God who is in control of all things. He determines the length of life and He is the writer of my story, but in my humanness, it is difficult to let things go. I have had my fair share of tears these last few weeks. Although that probably is not surprising. As Emma told me, the bottle God is holding with my tears is as big as Daddy's building!

My children continue to work through their own grief. Some are stuffers, so are talkers, so are sharers, it just depends. With six of us working through this...we see alot. Emma told me she doesn't like to see me cry and I reminder her...I cry when she and her brothers go to school. I just love them soooo much. The joy I get when they return is great. I didn't have that with Larson. He left, but will not return. I rejoice I don't have to worry about him, but I weep because I want to hold him.

I am constantly feeling like someone is missing, and he is. But I know that no matter how hard I try, things will not change. I remind myself often that God has shown me this year that I am in control of NOTHING! Ok, I can plan dinner, try to clean, get out of bed, etc. I have choices to make each day, but ultimately I firmly believe each and every day of my life has been determined.

So being able to say this and believe this is good, but I would be lying if I said that my days are still not filled with MANY questions. The whys, whats, when, where, what ifs, etc. And to be honest with you, there are still many days that I am emotionally exhausted by the end of the day. Fighting joy and grief at the same time seems to be so taxing. Staying in the moment with my 4 precious children and reliving and thinking of my son I miss SO deeply.

I often find myself remembering my thought while I was pregnant. I certainly thought the pregnancy and knowing Larson was going to be with us for such a short time had to be the worst part. Thankfully God did not reveal to me the path of grief I would go on after the death. Having only experience death with a grandparent I had nothing to compare it to. Don't get me wrong that is hard, but having your own flesh and blood be delivered from your womb and immediately watch him fade away...well its beyond words to express. Difficult, pain full, surreal, heart wrenching. I wish I could describe it better...I just can't. There is nothing to compare it to, although many have decided to let me know what would be the "hardest" thing to go through. Whether the time with a loved one is moments, minutes, hours, days, months or years...when are we ever prepared to say good-bye. We aren't. Even thought it seems I should have been prepared...I wasn't.

So here I am almost 8 months out and I can say that time helps lift the cloud above my head at times, but even that can still shift from time to time. I am still blind-sided by emotions that I seems to be fine with for a longer period of time. I can be laughing with my kids and next minute want to run to my bed and cry. I can be relaxing for bed and the next minute be so anxious I can't sleep.

I know that God continues to walk by my side, even though there are times I still feel very much alone. Yes even in a room with many, or house full of kids, or sitting next to my incredible husband. Grief can make you lonely. You have to walk on your own path alone (with God) no matter how many want to hold your hand.

So as I continue to ask God questions, some the same as 10 months ago, some very different I am reminded that He is our Father in heaven who wants to hear from us. As a second grade teacher I had students asking many questions. As they enter each new grade there is so much more to learn. Well I find it no different as a child of God, a believer in Christ...although I have professed faith for 12 years and I have read the bible and know the stories....I have SO much more to learn. I highly doubt that God who says "come to me all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give your rest (Matthew 11:28) would reject our questions. He is asking us simply to come and follow Him, He promises to walk with us until the end, He doesn't always give us the answers we want but He desires to listen, to love, to comfort, to encourage. So as a child/student, I will continue ask my questions to a faithful Father and I will not be ashamed that I don't have this all down. How could He mold me the way He wants.

Often I think I should be walking through my days laughing instead of crying, and yet there is no right way to do this and no wrong way. There is no time frame, no expectations...but to come. I do find rest in the Fathers arms, I trust Him fully with my life and with the outcome of things, I do know He keeps His promises and makes no mistakes, I do know He will listen at anytime, I do know that Christ died for my sins and I can't imagine the life and death He live for me, I do trust because God deserves my trust...but I still have questions! And I know with time these questions will make me know Him more.

Saturday, August 30, 2008


I wanted to first share this pictures of my children...and their Larson bear! My friend Tamara took incredible pictures for me. Check out her blog if you are in the Denver area! Abbys life song! Although I weep for my son who is gone, I cherish the children I have. I feel I need to make that clear. Many have commented that...At least I have 4 children! Yes I do here...but I actually have 1 who is not with us and his life was no less significant. My children loved him so well and so much. They still draw family pictures with him in it. The grief process has also had to be walked through by each one of my children. Yes children are resilant, but I have found that because my children are a range of ages and personalities they have handled it in very different ways. We are grateful as parents to be walking with them however they feel they need to.

So here is my original thoughts!!
What a beautiful season we are entering, yet difficult season. For me at least. Fall is so beautiful with the amazing colors and the crisp air. But fall has been different for me for the last couple of years and now its a season I enter with bittersweet emotions.

In September of 2006 we had a miscarriage.

In October of 2007 we found out our son would not live. The rest of the season was spent cherishing the time we had with him while in the womb, but also preparing ourselves for a untimely funeral.

We celebrated Thanksgiving and Christmas with Larson, Levis Birthday and Emmas Birthday! We rejoiced to have him with us, but also felt the time ticking. I know there was always a possibility of healing, but to be honest I truly believe the Lord was preparing me the entire time to submit to His perfect will. That perfect will would not be healing on earth.

So as we step foot into September, I seem to have a lump in my throat. I have felt SO much of the Lords grace during this season of time. He has given us strength we never thought we had. I remember telling Steve when we found out about Larsons condition..."I can not do this!" Even before we went to the hospital I asked him if he could do it for me! I know crazy question, but the thought of delivering my precious son and saying good-bye was just something I could not do. Well by the strength that God gave me we did. We delivered a perfect baby, enjoyed precious time, handed him to our loving Father and gave him an incredible service.

So I guess what I am saying is this season is a reminder of what we did last year. It may seem weird to some. I know some may say, "it happened so we need to just move on". Yes we are moving forward, yes I am not hanging on to the darkness, but I will NEVER forget the time I had with my son and that time included a season that was difficult but not without Faith, Hope, Love and Joy in the Lord!

So if I seem a little off right now, well I am probably continuing to process all that has happened in the last year. Still seems like a dream at times, but I would not change this time for anything.

I found this poem from another blog and it spoke of my feelings so well. This journey has been FAR different then I ever could have prepared myself for. Yet I know that it is fine. I do not want to rush, what is there to rush.

Please Be Gentle
By Jill B. Englar

Please be gentle with me for I am grieving.
The sea I swim in is a lonely one
and the shore seems miles away.
Waves of despair numb my soul
as I struggle through each day.
My heart is heavy with sorrow.
I want to shout and scream
and repeatedly ask 'why?'
At times, my grief overwhelms me
and I weep bitterly,
so great is my loss.
Please don’t turn away
or tell me to move on with my life.
I must embrace my pain
before I can begin to heal.
Companion me through tears
and sit with me in loving silence.
Honor where I am in my journey,
not where you think I should be.
Listen patiently to my story,
I may need to tell it over and over again.
It’s how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss.
Nurture me through the weeks and months ahead.
Forgive me when I seem distant and inconsolable.
A small flame still burns within my heart,
and shared memories may trigger
both laughter and tears.
I need your support and understanding.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
I must find my own path.
Please, will you walk beside me?

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Update/Prayer Request

Ive had a few people email and ask how my endocrinologist appointment went. Well here is the scoop...

Basically I have hoshimotos thyroditis. A long word for hypothyroidism. It is called this because it is brought on by pregnancy. 70% of women will recover and their thyroid will go back to normal within 4 months...You guessed! I get to be in the 30%. The endocrinologist did say that if it does correct itself, my chances of having a permanent thyroid problem are almost definite due to my family history. Of course we also have a lot of Lupus in our family. I left pondering all of this. Was I upset...No! I came home and told Steve all about it and said..."Basically we are all "incompatible" with life! Are genes are already determined for many things be it autoimmune disorders or cancer or something else. Not are we predetermined by our genes, we have been made like this by a all knowing, loving, and kind God."

Well anyway, I decided to go down a more "homeopathic" route. I am taking synthroid, but I also made an appointment with a nutritionist. Let me just share with you some of the questions he asked and the responded he gave...

He asked if we planned on having more children and then told me that it is probably better to stop having children now that I am 35! There is just to many problems. I told him that is not what I have seen or experienced!

He asked if I had been given any suggestions for my baby when I found out at 20 weeks that he would not live! I told him we did and did not see termination as an option! Our baby was as valuable to us as our others!

He gave me ideas on how to deal with depression, ie acupressure points on my face with my fingertips.! I wish I could put a video up of me doing it. Let me just say, I had to really hold back from laughing. He told me to also tell myself that I am OK while I am pounding my head with my heads.

He chalked me up to depression, never did anymore tests and sent me on my way. Needless to say this was the biggest waste of time and a big disappointment. I would love to share his name but won't. He has high I thought..and was on national TV about helping people with problems no one else could figure out. Well he didn't help me. Don't get me wrong, I am sad and teary and I do believe that the loss of a child can cause depression, but I didn't go to this doctor for that...he is a NUTRIONIST!

I left this appointment SO disapppointed and upset for many reasons. I know this man is a medical doctor but I TOTALLY disagree that my age would result in "problems"...besides the fact that Larson was far from that and was the BIGGEST BLESSING! At the age of 35, although called advanced maternal age!, womens eggs don't just all go bad all at once. Its not like eggs you get at the grocery store that have an experation date!. I believe that EACH and EVERY child and person has been created EXACTLY how God intended them to be. Each egg is how God intended it to be! Psalm 139 is so clear on this! God is good!

Psalm 139:13-16
For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother's womb.
I will praise you , for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
My frame WAS NOT hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
YOUR EYES SAW my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.

Did his comment about 35 cause fear? Not at all and felt more sorry for him! I trust God the same as I did with EACH one of my children and am so very blessed to have had a child who was special enough to teach others about the sanctiy of life. You go little man! OK hope I made my point.

I will not tell you I don't have days I am not depressed. Really I would call it sad, missing my baby, making sense of all this and pressing into Gods word of answers. I am not without hope, faith or love to my Almighty God.

So next step...
I have gone to a accupuncturist...She is awesome. She has a chemistry and biology degree and does NEAT therapy. I have gone to her for the last 4 years. Why I didn't just stick with her I don't know. NEAT is an allergy elimination acupuncture and is suppose to reset your body so you can tolerate things you once didn't. Let me just say that I did allergy injects for 7 years in high school and college and it did nothing. After being treated for trees, weeds, grass, horses, cats...well I can me around it.

So here is my prayer request. Obviously one of the biggest problems in my body is my hormones. That is what causes most thyroid things, autoimmune, etc. Your body is reacting to something that seems "foreign" to it. So right now she is treating me for the MANY types of hormones we have in our body. I had a treatment on Tuesday and feel HORRIBLE. I have body aches so bad I don't want to be touched, hot flashed where I get drenched, headaches, etc. That being said...this is good. My body is doing something.

Please pray this treatment(S) help and that I would have rest tonight and the days to come. It has been hard to do my daily commitments because I feel so yucky! Of course I am also trying to diagnosis myself with some "disease". At this point Steve just goes with it and tries to come up with some too. He is just so used to me! Thank you in advance for your prayers and support. This has gone longer then I thought so I'll write more soon. My days have been with ups and downs, but God is shining through and we continue on with hope!

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Happy 7th Birthday!

My sweet Luke is 7. Where has the time gone? I am so grateful for the years that God has given to me with Luke. I will be honest...these celebrations are bittersweet. I sure wish Larson was here to celebrate with us, but I know he is celebrating in the most perfect place there is. As I kissed my son tonight, I could not help but think of the day he was born. What a great day. Never did I realize what a gift all my children are until this year. Yes I verbalized it to many, but did I really understand it? I walked into the hospital on August 21, 2001 and a baby was placed into my arms at 11:00am. Not only that...3 days later I got to take him home with me, rock him, feed him, love him, mend his wounds and teach him of Jesus. I took for granted that I would have a baby and take him home! I have been blessed 7 years with my son. I DO FEEL SO THANKFUL. I hope for many more years with him. He is an amazing blessing.

Monday, August 18, 2008

To Alabama and Back!!!

Well we are back. I know I wasn't specific when I was leaving for Alabama, but I wanted to share our time with y'all!!! I know I am picking up the southern accent...i wish!

Anyway, we left on Wednesday the 13th. Headed to the airport and left Denver at 1:30pm. We arrived in Atlanta at 6, got our rental car and drove to Aimees house. By the time we got there it was 8:30 and we were greeted by all the Weathers and a beautiful sign made by their adorable children. Our kids seems to have know one another already. It is just so amazing how we have jelled together as if we have known one another. We had some yummy food and then ...

Kids at the airport. Excited to see Alabama.

Thursday, Steve and Carlton made a hospital visit for a friend who had just had surgery. They toured around and then headed back. Aimee and I took the kids swimming and they had a blast. We had fun just soaking up the sun and getting burnt! In the afternoon, Carlton and Steve took the boys to a garden to pick some veggies.

Levi contemplating life!

Noah and Levi

Group snack!

Luke and Landon picking veggies.

Luke, Landon, Levi and Noah exploring.

Friday, we went to Atlanta. I of course took everyone on a detour to some town even Aimee and Carlton hadn't been to. I took us about 1 hour out of the way of Atlanta. We finally got to our destination and we took the girls to the American Girl doll store. So fun to be there. Really the best part for Emma and I. What fun to do with your little girl. We had lunch and then went to an Atlanta Braves game. It was a beautiful night, relaxing and entertaining.

We finally get to see the American Girl doll store!

Everyone at the Atlanta Braves baseball game.

Steve with a 5lb. bag of peanuts! Yes, they let him in along with a backpack full of cracker jacks, chips, 20 small Gatorade's. They checked it all. What a sweet husband to do this.

Saturday we hung out all day. In the afternoon Aimee and I got some "girl time" and went to a coffee shop to hang out and took. Words can not express the blessing I feel for the friendship God so beautifully put together. We really found ourselves thinking about how weird it was that we are "online" friends brought together only because of our children who are no longer with us. Sophie and Larson don't get to enjoy our families...although we take great comfort knowing they are together enjoying the heavenlies. They are safe, they are happy! It was good to have my friend to talk with, laugh with, contemplate with, cry with. We have been able to do this for the last 9 months over the phone (aside from the March visit) but it was nice to be sitting next to one another once again. Amazing that this time last year I had no idea who Aimee was, I was in my own little world...pregnant...waiting for my child to be idea of someone who lived in idea of what was ahead of me. I could go on and on, but you all get the picture by now. I stand amazing at what the Lord has done. Through my sorrow and tears...and my smile and joy! All from a loving Fathers hand! Amazing to reflect on what 2 babies lives did for 2 families.

Sunday we had the opportunity to go to their Church. Carlton is the pastor and a great on at that...No he didn't ask me to say that! Amazing how much alike our churches are...just another one of those providential things!!! We had BBQ lunch and headed to the airport. Sure was a fast trip, but a relaxing trip and a perfect trip.

All the kids before leaving for church!

All the kids standing by the sign that Noah and Hannah made when we arrived! It was awesome!

Aimee and Me in my favorite spot...on the front porch in a rocking chair!

Our AMAZING husbands!


It was so fun to be in a different place and enjoying my family. We went away as a family about a month after Larson died. So this was refreshing to go away...far away...and just take a breath!


Wednesday, August 6, 2008

String of Pearls

Laura with me after Larson was born.

I have shared with some of you in the previous months about a foundation being started for families who are being faced with a fatal diagnosis for their unborn baby. Well….it is starting. My friend Laura sent me this email and I would like to pass along via blog to share with you all. Laura has been such a blessing during this past 9 months and I would like to take this opportunity to share the story again. This is a long post, but PLEASE read to the end. I think it will be worth the time!

This is string of Pearls played out….
On October 2nd after finding out that our sweet Larson had many things going on in his body and would either die in utero or shortly thereafter, Steve and I were filled with grief. The only option given to us was termination. We were told we need to make the decision quickly as we had to do it by 22 weeks. Well that was not an option for us, but we walked away from that office filled with sadness and darkness. We had 4 healthy children..How were we going to wait 18+ more weeks to welcome our child only to say good-bye. Well God was working long before this as we always know He is. We just can’t see it so hopefully sharing this will give others Hope that He is before us, with us and in front of us.

On October 17th (yes I wrote it down!) my phone rang and caller ID said…Laura Huene. Why did I know who she was? Because I heard about Laura from a good friend of mine who grew up with her and told me Pearls story 15 months before. I never forgot about this “precious girl” and of course I would ask how this girl Laura was doing. I was not pregnant yet, I did not know Laura, but I knew her story. Anyway I quickly picked up the phone and just wept. I knew finally I could talk to someone who understood just exactly how I was feeling. Well our friendship blossomed and I felt so supported. Laura was in the delivery room when my sweet Larson was born and she even told him “secrets” to tell Pearl when he got there.

This friendship God has given me is beyond incredible. I have see Him work in the midst of so much sadness. I have been given so much hope. Having someone who understands walk along side me has been priceless. Between Laura who walked the path first, and Aimee (from Alabama) who walked at the same time…Well lets just say…Our God Reigns!!!


For the past 2 years Josh and I have had a vision to walk with families who are walking the same journey we walked with our sweet Pearl. The vision is finally becoming a reality. We have started a non-profit organization called String of Pearls. This is a safe place for families who have received a fatal prenatal diagnosis and have made the decision to carry the baby for as long as their body allows. We will be working alongside the medical community as a liaison for the families, provide support from other families who have been on this journey and offering so many other resources.

It has been a long process to form the organization and after long months of creating and writing our website is up, we have meetings set up with Doctors in the Denver area and our 501c3 paperwork is being approved! I feel like this has taken so long to get to this point and I am so thankful for ALL the people that have been a part of making this become a reality. I'm continually amazed at how God continues to use one tiny baby girl to reach out to so many others.

Will you pray for me and for those that are involved in String of Pearls? We are choosing to help others honor life and we need to cover these precious families in prayer as well as the people that are involved in caring for the families. Will you also consider financially helping String of Pearls? The website gives a detailed account of the services we will provide and our goal is to do this at no charge to the families. There is a place on the website to donate online as well as a mailing address. Our desire is to reach as many families as possible and give them hope and peace as they walk the most difficult journey of their lives. Thank you for praying and supporting us each step of the way. Please pass this on to your friends and anyone else you may know who would be interested in this. Go now and see our beautiful website.

Thank you again for being a part of this journey.

With hope and love,
Josh and Laura

Psalm 126:3-6

The LORD has done great things for us,
and we are filled with joy.
Restore our fortunes, O LORD,
like streams in the Negev.
Those who sow in tears
will reap with songs of joy.
He who goes out weeping,
carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
carrying sheaves with him.

The families united in Grief. Walking this path together!

Tuesday, August 5, 2008


Hard to believe that summer is coming to an end. I have to be honest...I am not so ready. I have definitely enjoyed having my children home with me. I find myself staring at them in disbelief that they are growing so fast. This year has obviously taken many unexpected twists and turns. So much for planning my fairy tale life. I really don't think I was planning in that way, but my perspective has definitely changed.

Gone are the days of dreaming about "my perfect life!" I am so very blessed, but a little bit lost now. Really searching and seeking for a relationship with Christ. Before Larson I have to say I accepted Christ as my Saviour. I accepted a religion. I knew I was a sinner in need of a Saviour. I knew I could not stand before a holy God as I was. I knew I needed Christ for the sacrifice He made for me.

But know...I want to know Christ. I want to understand Him. Not just from a book of attributes so I can spout off to everyone that God is good, God is just...etc. etc. I have found myself reading the Bible in a whole different way. Have the words changed? Has God changed? Have I changed? No, No and Yes. I have changed and know I feel a different desire to know my Saviour more then I did before.

I find myself pondering questions like...What are blessings? Are they how many material blessings you have? How many children I have? My health? Yes all of these are blessings. God has given this all to me and I don't deserve it anymore then anyone else. BUT...I have also realized a blessing in the last year that I would have never signed up for. That is the life, birth and death of Larson. I have be blessed with holding a little peace of Heaven before letting him go into the arms of the Father. I have been blessed with a search for who Christ is like I have never searched before. I have been blessed with the strength only God can give to hang on, even when it seems I can't anymore. I have been blessed with faith of a mustard seed, yet I know I have faith.

I was saved 12 years ago, but my walk has changed drastically. I am not the same person. I will never be the same person. I don't want to be the same person. I want to be who God wants me to be and I have no doubt that He would walk me through something so difficult only to come out on the other side unchanged. How disappointed He would be. He promises that we will be changed, we will suffer and yet He promises to be walking right along side me. So, if anyone is waiting for the "old" Corie to come back. Well that is not going to happen. I will not be who I was before October 2nd and I will be continually be molded into the "new" me over time. I wish I could say it would happen quick, but no matter how hard I have tried to speed up the process...God always slows me down.

As always..if you are reading this, thanks for listening to my ramblings. They usually make sense to my mind...but then that doesn't say much!

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Alabama BOUND!!!

Most of you probably remember the story of my friend Aimee that I met while pregnant with Larson. We met online in November because our children had the same diagnosis. I contacted her via the Living with trisomy 13 website because our doctor thought that is what Larson had. Anyway, we started corresponding. Amazingly and providentially our babies were both born on January 22nd. Sometimes I still have to remind myself how much of miracle this was. It was not a coincidence by was determined by our GREAT GOD long before we were pregnant or ever new one another. Anyway, Aimee and her husband were her in March just six weeks after our babies went to be with the Lord. And now....our whole family is headed to Alabama on the 13th of August so our children can meet one another also. We can not wait and as you can see by the video...our kids are so excited. Emma was to embarrassed to be in the video. Crazy because she loves to be video!! Remember to turn off the music below!

Friday, July 25, 2008

A Picture!!

So I have been thinking and praying about getting a tattoo for awhile now. Probably ever since I was pregnant with Larson. The thought crossed my mind A LOT and so….for Larsons 6 month birthday..I did it!!! Yes, I am just as surprised as I am sure many of you are. I NEVER imagined I would want a tattoo (my kids all call it a picture) let alone actually get one. But then I also NEVER imagine that I would bury one of my children. Well it hurt so bad, but was oh so worth it! I have to say…I LOVE IT! I love that I can always look down and see his chubby toes…all 4 of them. I love that it will always remind me of God and His faithfulness during this time and for whatever may lie ahead! He is a part of our family…a part of our story! Steve was there holding my hand (check out the picture!!)…just as he has faithfully done the last 10 years and continues to do. I love that man!!!

There is always a battle of fear that I may forget him. I know that may seem weird and its something I never really thought about before, but it is something I have to battle. I want to move forward and yet I ache sometimes with how this looks. Anyway, there is some sense of peace of having “him” on my foot.

As I laid in bed after I came home and shared with Steve my heart. Not so weird. I use my 20,000 word by about 5 in the evening and begin borrowing more! I shared with him how I badly I want to use what God has given to us for His Glory. For the last 9 months, I have been really wrestling with God through so many of my questions. I am so thankful that he is willing to let me do this. Just as Jacob wrestled with God, so am I. Am I done? No, but I am cling to God!

Jacob Wrestles With God
22 That night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two maidservants and his eleven sons and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. 23 After he had sent them across the stream, he sent over all his possessions. 24 So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. 25 When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. 26 Then the man said, "Let me go, for it is daybreak."
But Jacob replied, "I will not let you go unless you bless me."
27 The man asked him, "What is your name?"
"Jacob," he answered.
28 Then the man said, "Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, [a] because you have struggled with God and with men and have overcome."
29 Jacob said, "Please tell me your name."
But he replied, "Why do you ask my name?" Then he blessed him there.
30 So Jacob called the place Peniel, [b] saying, "It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared."
31 The sun rose above him as he passed Peniel, [c] and he was limping because of his hip. 32 Therefore to this day the Israelites do not eat the tendon attached to the socket of the hip, because the socket of Jacob's hip was touched near the tendon.


I am clinging to God!!

In the midst of the pain, I also find the good in our situation. God DID choose our family specifically to have Larson. Why? Well I may never know even thought I may continually ask. But as I continue walking this path, I beg God to give me the strength for today to trust him and be faithful to Him. What does that look like? Well I know that that is all part of this. Although I know my faith in Christ has been real for the last 12 years, the last 9 months have set me on a path of REALLY seeking and searching Him. He is willing to show me if I am willing to listen. He is willing to comfort, if I am willing to let him. He is willing to guide me, if I am willing to be led.

I know I have professed my willingness to follow, but lately I have been asking myself…are you really willing? What does that look like? Willingness does not mean that I get to call the shots. Willingness means to follow Christ NO MATTER what that entails. God promise suffering. God promised trials.

Trials and Temptations –James 1:2-5
2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.

So here I stand (by the Grace of God) 6 months from holding Larson. I hope to be standing stronger and stronger, unwilling to waiver in my need for Him. Not being tossed by the wafe of the sea or blown by the wind, but perservering to maturity in Christ and facing trials with joy in His promises.

Does this mean I may not have hard days? No. It just means that I HOPE to focus on my joy in Christ in the midst of those hard days. I have many things that I struggle with and I know they don’t instantly go away or may not go away at all. It’s just that I know I need to battle my flesh more when I struggle. Whether with fear, doubts, worry, etc. I know that those thoughts are not of God. But I do know that He will help me to walk this path. I am not alone. He is behind me, beside me and in front of me! Praise God!

Psalm 36:5-7
5 Your love, O LORD, reaches to the heavens,
your faithfulness to the skies.
6 Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains,
your justice like the great deep.
O LORD, you preserve both man and beast.
7 How priceless is your unfailing love!
Both high and low among men
find refuge in the shadow of your wings.
To all my faithful friends who have walked this journey with me. With patience and perseverance. With no expectation, but support….THANK YOU!

PS…..After coming home I realized…The Saturday before I had Larson I went with my friend to get my nails done so when I had my pictures with Larson they would look good! (I bit my nails!) The Saturday before getting my tattoo, I went with Emma to get our feet down. (I had never done this before and was not sure about the tattoo yet!) Both Larson’s birth and his 6 month birthday fell on a Tuesday. I love it!!!