Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Unprepared

Today was a rough day and I found myself unprepared for it. I always thought "THE DAY" would be the hardest and for us the date was October 2nd. Although today was hard. We found out about Larson on a Tuesday. The air seemed similar as did the weather. I did many of the same things and it felt similar. I guess as I went through the day it seemed surreal. Surreal because at times I still feel like I have lived a dream. I began to consider my life a year ago...365 days....


On this day a year ago, I never imagined that....
I would be visiting my son at a cemetery rather then waking him from a nap
I would be planning a funeral rather then a nursery
That I would pick out an outfit to bury my son in rather then a "take home outfit"
That I would be making decisions for a birth plan that was 3 pages long
That I would enter into suffering more then I could ever imagine
I would find out that my baby was a boy and that he would die...all at the same time.
That I would go into a hospital to have a baby and walk out with empty arms
That I would have only 23 hours with my son
That I would have a tattoo with my sons foot on my foot
Friendships would change...some are stronger, some are weaker
That I would feel uncomfortable in situations that I have always felt comfortable
That death would be real to me because it has know come to my house
I would see my husband as an even stronger man then I did before
That I would be so weak and yet seek Christ more

But...I can also say that one year later...
I love God more then I did before
I hope to know God more intimately each and every day
I do not find tears as a weakness
I desire to have intimate and real relationships rather then just surface
I hope to comfort others as they may walk this path
I live every day knowing it very well could be my last
I try to intentionally spend time with my children
I am learning to embrace the pain of loss rather then run from it
I walk with a limp and am not ashamed
We have amazing friends who have walked so well with us no matter our emotions.
We have friends who are willing to love us unconditionally as Christ has
We have amazing family who have supported us well.
Our family and friends are willing to let us grieve the way we need to, and have put no boundries on the time or what it should look like...Thank you.


Life changed for me and my family on October 2nd, 2007. We laugh different, we smile different, we rejoice different, we see things different...and I am thankful for the change.

I do miss the old Corie sometimes..the care free spirit, the "ignorance", the innocence, the thoughts...but I am thankful that God has shown me that this life is marked by suffering and that our trust in Christ will bring us to an eternity where there will no longer be sadness and tears.

I want to reassure people..for those who have commented on their concerns...I am not depressed, just more sober-minded. I am doing fine. I am not defeated, I have been strengthen. Gods mercies are new every day and He has been so faithful to give them.

I take each day as it comes as I know that is all I am guaranteed. Because I am not the same does not mean that I am not OK. Rather I know that God gave me this time for a reason. The purpose I may never know. But just as Jacob wrestled with God and came out with a limp...I too am changed. I will walk with a limp while rejoicing that God has been faithful to walk with me (sometimes carry me) as He has promised, wrestling me while reminding me that He is worthy to be Praised. With that said...THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL THE LOVE YOU HAVE GIVEN TO MY FAMILY!

Turn off the songs below and listen. A song by Steven Curtis Chapman. A song I love to hear and worship with. I believe you Lord...You are good...You are worthy to be praised...You are with us...You are faithful.

8 comments:

Laura said...

You are walking this journey so well. There will be says that are so much harder and so much longer than others. Nothing really takes me by surprise anymore. I'm praying for you as you walk through the moments of remembering who you were last year at this time. SO many changes..I love the Corie you are now..so brave, strong and walking this path with no regrets. I love you friend and I love Larson too.

Tamara said...

Wow Corie, I am in awe of the truth of Christ that pours forth from your heart! Only a broken child of God can speak this way... a child that is humbled and loves the Lord with all their heart soul and mind! You inspire me my sweet friend! I love you so much Corie, the Corie you are now is beautiful inside and out... Thank you for teaching me to cling to Christ daily... Thank you for fighting the good fight for your walk is a beaming example to us all! I am here for you today tomorrow, until our Father calls us home! You are consistantly in my thoughts and little Larson too! Hugs for today and tomorrow!

Stacy said...

Corie-
The pain that comes each year as the calendar reminds us of dates etched forever in our minds and upon our souls. All I can say, is that each year, it will get a little easier. The scars will forever remain, but God takes the scars and transforms them into something of beauty. You are beautiful. You shine forth with the love of Christ. You shine forth with a transparency that only comes from true brokenness and realization that you are a child of God's and can't make it on your own. You are being transformed more and more into His likeness. Why that has had to happen to us through the death of our children....I don't know. But I know that through Larson's life and death, through your obedience, through your pain....God is being magnified. You are shining forth His love and Truth.

God makes all things new...thank you my dear Sister in Christ...for sharing His newness with each of us. I didn't know you before Larson...but I have enjoyed getting to know the person He is making you!

Praying God continues strengthening you each day.

In Christ's love, Stacy

boltefamily said...

Thank you for sharing all of this Corie. It really makes me feel less alone and less crazy! I love your heart. It is a tough road and I am learning it is ok to be sad and have down times. I am having them too. My lifechanging date is next month and just the change to fall has had the same effect on me in some ways.

You are an amazing mommy and I know Larson would be proud of you for the way that you are honoring him and living your life. God is with us! and that is the only thing to pull me through somedays. Please know that though I cannot understand your pain completely, I am with you too. I am praying for you and loving you from a distance my friend!

Love,
Kristy

Kenzie said...

Corie-

What beautiful words. I know that our boys were born just a day apart and now I realize how almost identically that our worlds collapsed last year. That day will forever remain etched in my mind... the confusion, the fear, the pain, the tears and intense suffering. Thank you for sharing all that you have learned... it is so similar to what mine would look like too!

Praying for your heart and your family!
Love,
Kenzie

Laurie said...

"Thankful for the change." Those are such blessed words Corie. The Lord has brought you through a very crushing year and continues to carry you through and draw you close to Him. I too walk with a limp from my childhood, but it makes me who I am today and I am grateful too. I do not know the old Corie at all, but I sure do love the new one, the girl you are today. Your heart is beautiful and open and honest and I thank Larson for these changes he so lovingly brought to your life. I continue to pray for you and your family, asking God to pour out His blessings over you as you continue on this road of healing with no time limits or boundaries. This is how it must be for each individual person traveling this road. My heart is with you tonight.

Love and Prayers, Laurie in Ca.

Kim (marygracesummons.blogspot.com) said...

Corie,
I am not sure if I have ever commented on your blog. I am not sure how I have missed you but I am sorry i have. Maybe the fog I have been living in:). You had commented on my blog and I know you have before too but I just read Larson's story from the beginning. What a precious miracle! Your words are so honest and real and comforting. They way you are choosing to praise Him in the storm is a beautiful picture of your heart. I know today is the day that marks the year you found out about Larson. I will be saying prayers for you and your family. The life changing day we can all remember is a hard memory but we also know the great blessings that were brought to us afterwards. I too am thankful for it all, including all the wonderful families I continue to meet. Thank you for sharing your heart with us. It's healing.....
With love in Him,
Kim

The Beidle Family said...

There is a reason all these comments are so long....it is because you have embraced this trial so bravely. You have had an amazing impact on so many. You have been so transparent and really walked this path with so many unknowns. Thank you for being you...I love you for that.
I remember when you were "contemplating" starting a blog....Thank you for starting it! You have taught me so much just by being you. Today, or any other days that bring you back a year ago will not be easy...and it is OK to go back and think of the days, the smells, the weather, what you were doing...it's OK! It's OK to cry...God did not create tears unless he wanted us to cry...Corie, you are a wonderful mommy...We love you all!