Thursday, September 4, 2008

Questions????

The last few weeks have been busy, but not without alot of emotions.
Emma, Luke and Landon all started school. I continue to pray about our decision with schooling. I miss my children immensely during the day, but right now we feel that being at this school is the best for them.

Having Levi at home has been a blessing, but I can't help but think of how thinks were suppose to be! Yes I can totally trust a God who is in control of all things. He determines the length of life and He is the writer of my story, but in my humanness, it is difficult to let things go. I have had my fair share of tears these last few weeks. Although that probably is not surprising. As Emma told me, the bottle God is holding with my tears is as big as Daddy's building!

My children continue to work through their own grief. Some are stuffers, so are talkers, so are sharers, it just depends. With six of us working through this...we see alot. Emma told me she doesn't like to see me cry and I reminder her...I cry when she and her brothers go to school. I just love them soooo much. The joy I get when they return is great. I didn't have that with Larson. He left, but will not return. I rejoice I don't have to worry about him, but I weep because I want to hold him.

I am constantly feeling like someone is missing, and he is. But I know that no matter how hard I try, things will not change. I remind myself often that God has shown me this year that I am in control of NOTHING! Ok, I can plan dinner, try to clean, get out of bed, etc. I have choices to make each day, but ultimately I firmly believe each and every day of my life has been determined.

So being able to say this and believe this is good, but I would be lying if I said that my days are still not filled with MANY questions. The whys, whats, when, where, what ifs, etc. And to be honest with you, there are still many days that I am emotionally exhausted by the end of the day. Fighting joy and grief at the same time seems to be so taxing. Staying in the moment with my 4 precious children and reliving and thinking of my son I miss SO deeply.

I often find myself remembering my thought while I was pregnant. I certainly thought the pregnancy and knowing Larson was going to be with us for such a short time had to be the worst part. Thankfully God did not reveal to me the path of grief I would go on after the death. Having only experience death with a grandparent I had nothing to compare it to. Don't get me wrong that is hard, but having your own flesh and blood be delivered from your womb and immediately watch him fade away...well its beyond words to express. Difficult, pain full, surreal, heart wrenching. I wish I could describe it better...I just can't. There is nothing to compare it to, although many have decided to let me know what would be the "hardest" thing to go through. Whether the time with a loved one is moments, minutes, hours, days, months or years...when are we ever prepared to say good-bye. We aren't. Even thought it seems I should have been prepared...I wasn't.

So here I am almost 8 months out and I can say that time helps lift the cloud above my head at times, but even that can still shift from time to time. I am still blind-sided by emotions that I seems to be fine with for a longer period of time. I can be laughing with my kids and next minute want to run to my bed and cry. I can be relaxing for bed and the next minute be so anxious I can't sleep.

I know that God continues to walk by my side, even though there are times I still feel very much alone. Yes even in a room with many, or house full of kids, or sitting next to my incredible husband. Grief can make you lonely. You have to walk on your own path alone (with God) no matter how many want to hold your hand.

So as I continue to ask God questions, some the same as 10 months ago, some very different I am reminded that He is our Father in heaven who wants to hear from us. As a second grade teacher I had students asking many questions. As they enter each new grade there is so much more to learn. Well I find it no different as a child of God, a believer in Christ...although I have professed faith for 12 years and I have read the bible and know the stories....I have SO much more to learn. I highly doubt that God who says "come to me all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give your rest (Matthew 11:28) would reject our questions. He is asking us simply to come and follow Him, He promises to walk with us until the end, He doesn't always give us the answers we want but He desires to listen, to love, to comfort, to encourage. So as a child/student, I will continue ask my questions to a faithful Father and I will not be ashamed that I don't have this all down. How could He mold me the way He wants.

Often I think I should be walking through my days laughing instead of crying, and yet there is no right way to do this and no wrong way. There is no time frame, no expectations...but to come. I do find rest in the Fathers arms, I trust Him fully with my life and with the outcome of things, I do know He keeps His promises and makes no mistakes, I do know He will listen at anytime, I do know that Christ died for my sins and I can't imagine the life and death He live for me, I do trust because God deserves my trust...but I still have questions! And I know with time these questions will make me know Him more.

8 comments:

Aimee said...

You are so right. God is the ONLY one that can truly walk with us on this struggle with grief. He knows our hearts and He knows each and every tear that falls when no one is looking.
Time does seem to lift some of the burden, but just yesterday as I was dusting, I was stopped completely in my tracks when I was wiping off Sophie's picture. You know, the one on the bookshelf.
I just stood there staring and thinking to myself,"Is this really real?" I ran my fingers over her footprints to remind myself, that yes, this is real.
So strange how it just "hits you"

boltefamily said...

Corie,

I so understand what you have written. I have lost two children and still could not prepare for Asher to leave us.

I am reading a book right now that talks about the questions you are speaking of and it says we as Christians should not be afraid of those tough questions. We should embrace them and ask them and work through them. I see you doing that Corie. I wish I had answers, but I know the One who does will answer when the time is right.

I sure do wish we were closer! I would love to be able to meet!

Love you and praying for you!

Kristy

Laura said...

Keep asking Corie...I love you sweet friend....

Linda said...

I appreciate so much how you are working this through with your children and how aware you are to their different emotions. That is one thing that I regret - not realizing how much my then 13 year old was bottling things up inside. Yes, we talked often, and there were many times he cried, but as he grew older he appeared to become somewhat insensitive to others' hurts and pains. I confronted him one day, and he said, "Mom, how many kids do you know who have gone through the things I have. I don't know anyone who has lost one brother, let alone two. Sometimes I don't even know how to care anymore." That has bothered me a lot, and my prayer is that he will be healed in whatever way he has been damaged.

Amber said...

I can't begin to imagine your pain...I'm so thankful that you are not walking this journey alone.
Thank you for trying to give us some idea of what it must be like.

Laurie said...

Oh Corie,

I understand when you say you can't describe what your grief feels like, because I have never been down this road. I do understand that it breaks my heart for you and all the other mommys enduring this cross. Too many.
As a grandmother myself now, I truly believe that the most fragile of heartbreaks must come from the loss of a precious child. I too, question our God for all of you and all I can say is that I am so thankful that with Him, I know that I know that He has His purpose and His plans. And this is the answer I usually get to my questions. But thank God that He welcomes our questions in love for us and never turns away from us. Some day we will understand fully, when we won't need to know anymore because we will see His face. I want you to know that I continue to pray for you and your heartbreak with Larson. I do know that with each new life God blesses us with, He stretches our hearts to love each one completely. When one leaves, it throws our hearts off balance and I think grief must feel like this. God still holds the hearts that are out of balance and broken, His Tender Balance. We must trust Him and we do, but He never says it will be easy. What a beautiful example of a Father's Love. I pray for your valley you are in to become beautiful rolling hills that lead to the mountain top of God. He walks with you hand in hand all the way so that you will get there together. May He be gentle with your heart as He mends the special place that belongs only to Larson.
I am learning by reading that grief is an inside job that each person must work out with the Lord. I am praying for your heart and the balancing that is taking place. Have a blessed day knowing you are so loved by so many, me included.

Love and Hugs, Laurie in Ca.

Sara said...

I just found your blog through the String of Pearls. I am sorry about sweet Larson. You are right - time helps to ease the pain a little bit. It has been almost 10 months since I lost my Samuel. I know the feeling of going from laughing to crying in no time flat.
Keep praying. God will bring you strength.

The Beidle Family said...

I love that you flee to the only one that can deliver us. You do not try to solve or mend things on your own. You are constantly at the feet of Christ. You are on your knee's wanting to glorify Him. Thank you for taking the time to share of yourself. Thank you for writing your thoughts so others can know what a day looks and feels like. I think the Lord is going to be using this blog..your words to help others. You may not see it now but I think He will use you and Larson to bring Glory to himself.