Saturday, August 30, 2008


I wanted to first share this pictures of my children...and their Larson bear! My friend Tamara took incredible pictures for me. Check out her blog if you are in the Denver area! Abbys life song! Although I weep for my son who is gone, I cherish the children I have. I feel I need to make that clear. Many have commented that...At least I have 4 children! Yes I do here...but I actually have 1 who is not with us and his life was no less significant. My children loved him so well and so much. They still draw family pictures with him in it. The grief process has also had to be walked through by each one of my children. Yes children are resilant, but I have found that because my children are a range of ages and personalities they have handled it in very different ways. We are grateful as parents to be walking with them however they feel they need to.

So here is my original thoughts!!
What a beautiful season we are entering, yet difficult season. For me at least. Fall is so beautiful with the amazing colors and the crisp air. But fall has been different for me for the last couple of years and now its a season I enter with bittersweet emotions.

In September of 2006 we had a miscarriage.

In October of 2007 we found out our son would not live. The rest of the season was spent cherishing the time we had with him while in the womb, but also preparing ourselves for a untimely funeral.

We celebrated Thanksgiving and Christmas with Larson, Levis Birthday and Emmas Birthday! We rejoiced to have him with us, but also felt the time ticking. I know there was always a possibility of healing, but to be honest I truly believe the Lord was preparing me the entire time to submit to His perfect will. That perfect will would not be healing on earth.

So as we step foot into September, I seem to have a lump in my throat. I have felt SO much of the Lords grace during this season of time. He has given us strength we never thought we had. I remember telling Steve when we found out about Larsons condition..."I can not do this!" Even before we went to the hospital I asked him if he could do it for me! I know crazy question, but the thought of delivering my precious son and saying good-bye was just something I could not do. Well by the strength that God gave me we did. We delivered a perfect baby, enjoyed precious time, handed him to our loving Father and gave him an incredible service.

So I guess what I am saying is this season is a reminder of what we did last year. It may seem weird to some. I know some may say, "it happened so we need to just move on". Yes we are moving forward, yes I am not hanging on to the darkness, but I will NEVER forget the time I had with my son and that time included a season that was difficult but not without Faith, Hope, Love and Joy in the Lord!

So if I seem a little off right now, well I am probably continuing to process all that has happened in the last year. Still seems like a dream at times, but I would not change this time for anything.

I found this poem from another blog and it spoke of my feelings so well. This journey has been FAR different then I ever could have prepared myself for. Yet I know that it is fine. I do not want to rush, what is there to rush.

Please Be Gentle
By Jill B. Englar

Please be gentle with me for I am grieving.
The sea I swim in is a lonely one
and the shore seems miles away.
Waves of despair numb my soul
as I struggle through each day.
My heart is heavy with sorrow.
I want to shout and scream
and repeatedly ask 'why?'
At times, my grief overwhelms me
and I weep bitterly,
so great is my loss.
Please don’t turn away
or tell me to move on with my life.
I must embrace my pain
before I can begin to heal.
Companion me through tears
and sit with me in loving silence.
Honor where I am in my journey,
not where you think I should be.
Listen patiently to my story,
I may need to tell it over and over again.
It’s how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss.
Nurture me through the weeks and months ahead.
Forgive me when I seem distant and inconsolable.
A small flame still burns within my heart,
and shared memories may trigger
both laughter and tears.
I need your support and understanding.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
I must find my own path.
Please, will you walk beside me?


Laura said...

So proud of the way you are walking. I'll always be right here walking on the same path...never "getting over" the fact that I too am missing one of my children here. Looking forward to what this year has in store for both of our families.

Emily said...

Your babies are beautiful... and your heart is, too. I'm right beside you.

Randi said...

I am proud of the direction you are walking. I just stumbled across your blog- all five of your children are gorgeous. My heart breaks for you over the passing of Larson.
May you be held in the same arms that Jesus is holding Larson in right now,

Suzie said...

Thinking of you and praying for you during this difficult season. Your children are so precious. All 5 of them. Larson is loved more and more each day by you, your husband and your children. He will live on forever in your lives. God bless you all.


Tamara said...

I know we've talked since you posted, but again I had to put on record that this is beautifully said!

We ALL need that reminder that, life does NOT just go on for those that are suffering!

Just because you step away from the bon-fire does not mean the heat is gone. Because some live in a sunshiney breezy world, they loose touch of the intense heat once away from your presence an therefore can not digest life in the fire.

I love you girl, think of ya more than you know and will walk along side you through the bon-fires and sunshine n' breezy days!

Mi Piace said...

You commented on my blog back in June and I just barely found it. SOrry.
Thanks for the sweet comment. I feel a conection to you because of our similar pain and trying to heal. I actually think NOW was the perfect time for me to find your comment. Reading this post hit me hard. The feelings you have expressed are what I have been feeling lately.IN fact earlier today i was walking around in a daze on the verge of tears, just from looking back.
I'm pregnant now, and still feel like it doesn't make anything easier. I almost feel like it takes me back a little in the grieving process.
Thanks again for your comment. I look forward to reading your blog somemore!

The Beidle Family said...

Adorable picture. I love the Larson bear. Precious. A picture speaks a thousand words.

I know you have been through so much...and I feel that when you finish the day you are looking back and wonder how you could have done it differently or better...that is because of your love for Christ. I do not know many people that I can talk to and as they are speaking they end up preaching to their own heart. You are such a blessing to me and I admire your walk. I know it is not easy but you are allowing the Lord to mold you each day. You give of yourself to so many. Thank you for being you!