Thursday, December 25, 2008

So now what???

So we made it through Christmas...Now what?

I've heard..."the first year is the hardest"...ok so now that I made it through this holiday is it suppose to be easier next year. I will be better about not having all my family here with me?

I tried to do alot of online shopping. Maybe it was to avoid the stores. Avoid all the Christmas cheer, when I didn't feel like having it. Well it didn't work. I still had to go to the stores the last couple of day for little things. Exchanging my boys pants and shirts that arrived (of course) in the wrong size. When I get to the stores, what do I see? Baby outfits to match his brothers, baby gifts perfect for him, children and babies and pregnant people all over the place.

Yes there was a time that I was probably "one of those" woman who had it all from the outside. Who know how many passed me by with a heartache and me having my children all around. Sure I look like I have it all....from a worldly perspective. The thing is I really do... I have more then I could ask for Christ and Christ alone. But heart is still aching for the baby who we wanted so much.

This Christmas my womb is empty and so are my arms and so is his crib. Yes...not baby here this year to ooh and aah over. To watch as his had his first Christmas. No 1st Christmas outfits or photos. No 1st smiles or laughter. No not here. Not in this house this year. Where life was last year in this house, although in my womb.....there is no trace of it except for the black and white pictures declaring that he was here. He was life on earth for 23 hours.

I am trying to stay focused...focused on the true meaning of Christmas. The baby in the manger. The Son who came to die. This and ONLY this is what is getting me through this year, this season, this trial. Even with heart is hearting deeply. I am smiling because of the grace of God. I am making it through because God has walked with me. As this year comes to an end, and the year anniversary of Larsons life approaches...I am sad and missing him so much.

I do wonder what this year beholds. Will it be more healing or more sadness. I know so many can comment on what that think or hope it will look like...but nobody knows. Will we have joy? Will we have more heartache? Only my Father in heaven I pray that you continue to pray. Pray that He would continue to equip me day by day or hour by hour. I am in need for an extra dose of Grace from Him and I know He will provide.

So as this season ends...yes I have made it through the year of firsts...but I sure it was with him, rather then without. I am walking this road not because I want to, but because I was called to. I am not always excited about it, but just willing because God is so deserving. Thank you for listening throughout this year. Please don't feel like you need to say anything profound to me right now. I know that God will faithfully give me exactly the wisdom He desires. I don't need advice, I don't need to be fixed...I just need to heal in my own time...In Gods own time. Everyone does it different. Different things help heal...not all stories are the same. But they are all HIStory. Thank you for seeing HIStory unfold in my life. God Bless you all.


Devon Rene said...

love your open heart and honesty...

i know our children are dancing together in heaven but oh, how our hearts miss them.

thinking of you on this christmas day....

Sara said...

I have been praying for you the last couple of days... and I will continue to lift you up to the throne of our God. I keep thinking of Jobs friends who finally came and just sat with him unable to say anything because they knew his grief was so great. I am sitting with you in the ashes. Praying God will bring beauty from our ashes.
Love in Christ,

Kelly said...

Hi Corie,

I see that you "made it through" Christmas too. It certainly isn't easy making it through life in general, but to throw this type of tragedy in the mix is just gut wrenching. We ended up taking our Christmas stuff down almost 2 weeks early - it was just too much for me to bear this year. And even though this was our second Christmas without Liberty - it felt like it could have been the first. I think the first year around I was so numb to it all, this year was filled with sooo much pain I felt like I was never going to get through it all..but praise God - He came through and showered me with his mercy..and like you said "its what"

Im so terribly sorry that you are hurting this way. From one grieving mother to another..I know that I cannont say anythhing to make the load you are carrying any lighter, I cannot take away the sorrow and the questions, all I can do is offer you my friendship and a "hug". So please know I am hugging you from afar. Praying for you each and every step of the way...

God bless you hun,

In His love,

Christy said...

This was my 8th Christmas without my daughter. It always aches. There's always a missing part of your family and you'll always wonder...ime.
As the days, weeks, months, and years go by the ache takes on a softer tone. It's not always the first emotion you feel, it will not be your first thought. There are days still almost 9 years later that I just lose my breath over the great loss of my sweet Jordyn.

We all grieve differently, as each of our sweet children were unique and they were "our" child. No one else is your precious babies Momma. Only you.

I pray that each day you feel a little less ache, and that day by day you'll discover a little more joy. When those days come over you and the tears just won't stop...I pray you're gentle with yourself and just allow it to hurt for that time.

It's not easy and anyone who says it is, just doesn't know or they're in total denial.
Praying for you

Laura said...

Praying for you sweet friend. I am so proud of you and love to see you walk in the grace He is giving you. I love you.

Libby said...

Hi there! I found your blog while browsing and fell in love with your writing! God Bless you and your family in this time of healing. I'll be back for more updates

AndiMae said...

Dear Corie,

Late last Tuesday night I stumbled upon your blog via Google Reader- you were recommended based on some of the blogs I have subscribed to. I found myself drawn to your words and read through some of the past couple of months of your writing. While your story is so beautiful, I found myself wondering why I was so drawn to it- I have never experienced a devastating loss like you have, and while your words were very encouraging to me, I couldn't relate to what you felt. The very next day, on Christmas Eve, I got the news that my pregnant best friend lost her third child at 37 weeks. I was and am completely devastated. She and her little family live about 8 hours away and my family and I rushed to their side. Two weeks ago, I would not have known what to say, how to act, what to do to comfort my dear friend. But because the Lord led me to your blog, literally right before I got the news, I felt like I knew how to handle this last weekend. I cannot tell you thank you enough for sharing your heart here. You truly helped me be a blessing to someone who is walking through the same pain you have. You are touching the lives of people you have never even met. Thank you so much.

Love, Andi

The Beidle Family said...

I woke up and was thinking about Larson...had to come take a peak at his sweet face. Thinking about you and praying for you. Thank you for sharing your heart. You are an amazing friend and an amazing mommy.....keep fighting the good are doing it well. Thank you for loving and honoring your son as you embrace each day. Today will be the last day of 2008 and the year has held many valleys and hills...the valleys you were brought to your knees and the Lord held you close...the hills is where he helped you climb...I know there will be more to come but I know you are trusting and leaning on your creator. I pray you are able to celebrate his birth and the sweet 23 hours you held him close. You can not stop time but you can stop to cherish the sweet life the Lord allowed you to touch. I means it is that much farther since you held him...but it is that much closer you will be dancing in glory with him. You are an amazing mommy and Steve is an amazing Daddy.
Happy (by God's grace) New Year!
I love you friend.

Linda said...

I am so sorry that 2008 ended with sadness, and 2009 will also begin with sadness. It really WILL get better, although it is a long time in coming, and you will always grieve Larson's short little life. Even still, there is comfort in knowing that his life was of value, and he is worthy of your tears. You will be on my prayer list for 2009, and I will pray that life will become more of a blessing again. I care about you.