Saturday, November 22, 2008

10 months! Missing him!

I never thought I would be 10 months out and still having some hard days. It definitely seems the waves are further apart, but they still come crashing down at moments I don't expect.

The last couple of days were good. I substituted in my sons class...kindergarten. Well if those sweet children can't do a heart good...I don't know what will. Good to be around the light-hearted, free-spirited, honest-speaking, belly-laughing, adorable 5 and 6 year olds. It really was good for my heart. Kept me busy (not sure how I EVER taught full time) but then when the business stops, well then what do I do....THINK! No good at times.

Then...I woke up this morning so heavy...really not sure why. I feel like I could fall apart. My heart is heavy. The tears are on the surface. I am sad!

As I looked at the date it seemed so odd..yet not...that once again the 22nd has approached. This date brings smiles to my face as I remember my time with Larson, but can also bring me to deep sadness. The holidays are fast approaching and someone is not here. For some I know it seems odd that I would ache for my baby 10 months later and that I only new him for 9 months and 23 hours. I think the thought would have seemed difficult for me to understand as well...a couple of years ago. Grief is hard for those on the outside to understand. I also know that we have amazing friends...that although you may not understand. You have been so patient with all my emotions.

So on the weekend before Thanksgiving, I wanted to remind myself of all the things I am Thankful for... Harder when your heart is heavy, but no less important.

Growing up we went around the table to say what we are thankful for. I am sure I meant every word of what I said, but the understanding this year is entirely different.

So what am I thankful for?...
I am thankful for a husband who has stood by my side

I am thankful that our marriage has withstood a heavy test

I am thankful for my 5 children and all they have taught me, and continue to!

I am thankful for my friends Laura and Aimee, who I didn't know a year ago, put were an amazing gift from the Lord during this time! God does provide!

I am thankful I am not in my bed with covers over my head...IM serious!

I am thankful for the soberness of death, and the miracle of life

I am thankful for MANY friends who have been SOOO patient

Most importantly...I am thankful for Jesus Christ who died on the Cross for sinners like me.

I know I have said this many times, but on this Thanksgiving I would like to reiterate my thankfulness to my family and friends. I never new how I would handle a trial so incredibly deep. Quite honestly, Im glad I didn't. My faith has been tested and tried. I have been stretched and pulled. I am not who I was before but I can say my friendships are not either. They have been proven to be some of the best. They have grown deeper and fuller with much more openness, honesty and depth. I know I have been an emotional wreck at times and then in an instance, smiling. You must think I have gone crazy...well I have a little bit...but through the waves you have been there for my family. Words do not say enough for the gratitude I feel for your loyalty and help. Thank you for sticking by us in the good and the bad. You have encourage us and cheered us on. You have talked about Larson and you are ok with my tears. You don't think that I am crazy (at least I hope not) when I still talk about Larson. You are fine with my tears and my smiles. You have shown us such unconditional love and so family and friends.........I AM SOOO THANKFUL for what God has unfolded this year through my sons life.

He has shown and death, hope and joy, sadness an tears, soberness and questions and answers, a new limp, a genuine smile, amazing giggles, incredible 23 hours, pain and suffering, laughter and love, faithfulness and sincerity and loyally. I have been tested, but my faith is stronger then ever. God is true to His promises even in pain. He has given those who receive the biggest gift of all...His Son Jesus Christ. God has stayed the same through it all. As I continue to change..He remains..and so does His promise.

Thank you for reading, thank you for listening. I guess this post shows the ups and downs...

Another picture...I can never get tired of looking our family!



Kenzie said...

Strange how overwhelming pain can be accompanied by such amazing THANKFULNESS! Praying for your sweet heart today!

Love lots,

boltefamily said...

Thinking of and praying for you! I am so thankful for you and for sweet Larson. Hope to talk to you soon!

Laura said...

I am thankfuk for you too...more than you know!

Sara said...

Thanking God with you amidst the pain for the gift of our precious sons... and for you! The family picture is beautiful. I love it.

Carla Helton said...

Sweet Corie, I am thankful for you! I am thankful for your honesty, vulnerability, truthfulness, tenderness, kindness, laughter, humor, sincerity. . . shall I keep going? I am thankful for all the ways that you bless my heart. I am thankful that you have shared your sweet baby boy, Larsen, with me. Let's see, what else am I thankful for? Chick-fil-a, McDonald's, the park, especially the one with few other visitors, Sheperding a Child's Heart,tatoos, Levi and Emma Claire doing their "thing", I am thankful for all the things that have added to our friendship. I think I am the most thankful that you have allowed me the priviledge of watching, praying, loving and cheering for you from the sidelines as you have walked through this journey. I am most thankful for this because it has blessed me so immensely and because it has deepened my love and commitment to our friendship! Love you, Girlie!

So Blessed said...

Praying for your family...

Tamara said...

love you sister!

The Beidle Family said...

I can not even believe how fast time goes. I am so thankful for you. Thank you for being you. Thank you for being Larson's mommy. I praise God for you and what He has molded you to be. I know this journey has been hard to walk and yet you have been raised up and carried by Christ. I know you are so thankful for all the Lord has given you and I am so thankful for a friend that has walked with faith. I know your days are not easy and I pray that you are able to spend special moments with your family this Thanksgiving. We love you.