Monday, November 10, 2008

Where does my help come from??? help come from YOU
....Maker of Heaven
...Creator of the Earth.

I have to ask myself often...Is this enough? Is the Creator of the Earth enough for me? Is my redemption in Christ enough for me, or do I need more? If only I had...then I would be satisfied. Then once again I have to ask...Who am I to ask for more or ask for something different? That is essentially saying, "God you messed up, I trust you are in control, I trust you are the Creator of the Earth and all that is in it, but I had a better plan then you" Ok! Yikes that is scary to think I would say that, yet honestly that is what we are saying when we are asking for something different or for something more

When Steve and I got married we always said we wanted a lot of kids. We "planned to have a lot of kids. Even saying boys, girls, etc. Although we always said it was Gods plan that was so easy to do! We began having children right away and 4 HEALTHY, UNCOMPLICATED, PERFECT babies in 5 years. Yep, easy to say God was good and in control right? Everything was going just as planned.I mean how hard is it to thank God and trust God, when the story is exactly as you want.

After Levi we were told to wait a year to have more children. I had already had 4 c-sections and so it would be best to let my body healed. Seemed easy. We could do it. We wanted to wait anyway and we would try again when we were ready. Seems to silly to me know. Who did I think I was? I am not trying to sound condesending, yet I find myself in awe as I look back at some of our thoughts and ideas, all the while trusting God.

So our “quest” for more children and ultimatly OUR desire began in August of 2006. I got pregnant but it ended up in miscarriage. How could this happen I thought. Well I trusted the Lord and after a couple months we were "suprised" to be pregant only to result in another miscarriage. What was going on I thought? We continued to try and when I got pregnant in May of 2007, I thought for sure this would be the successful pregnancy we wanted. Healthy baby and all. Girl for name it. Everyone had their story for me about their miscarriage and their subsuqent succesful pregnancy. How God took their baby and that as a result they had the one in their arms. Thats what I was waiting for...THAT story!

Well my pregnancy was successful with Larson, but not by human definition. We got our baby we had been waiting for for 2 years, but only for a moment. What was this story and where did it come from. I knew from the moment I got the news that, yes, this story came from the same Hand that gave me my other children. Only this time and new I would be giving him back. Probably my worst nightmare...yet I was living it.

I am still in awe of the story we have been givin. Often sad that I only had him for a short time, yet so grateful for the mighty Hand of God in it. I am told I am strong...let me tell you, I AM NOT! I have never been weaker...yet stronger in my faith in the Lord Jesus Christ who can take away our pain.

So where am I going with this? Well after 2 years of loss and heartache I have had to ask myself, will I be healed from this heartache? Will my story have a happy ending...whatever that is? Where is redemption.

As I look up redemption in the dictonary this is what I found...
Redemption means:
1. an act of redeeming or the state of being redeemed.
2. deliverance; rescue.
3. Theology. deliverance from sin; salvation.
4. atonement for guilt.
5. repurchase, as of something sold.
6. paying off, as of a mortgage, bond, or note.
7. recovery by payment, as of something pledged

As I look at everyone of these points I think of the same thing…Christ. Christ is my redemption. He was my redeption before time, before marriage, before children, before Larson. AND He still is. According to the definitions...and many scriptures...He came to redeem ME, not give me more. He came to deliver me, He came to save me from sin and condemnation. He came to atone for me, He came to purchase me, He came to pay my debt, He came to take the payment. No where is scripture have I found that because of loss, God owes me something more. Hasn’t He given me enough? I think for so long I have waited for the pain to be turned into dancing…which of course in my plan was with a baby…a healthy baby to be exact.

As of late my challenge is to just step foot into each day with faith knowing God is there and the plan has been written. I have no power to make a decision of what I want tomorrow to look like...if I did I can tell you it would look mightly different then it does now. I would have more healthy children in my pictures. So what am I saying or maybe what am I asking? What does our future hold? Sure wish I knew yet trusting to just live for the moment with what God has given me. To take my thoughts captive as they tend to go to fear and anxiety and praying for more joy IN CHRIST and more trust each moment of the day

Friends…I have been humbled to my core, taken down to my knees (where I should be) and as hard as it has been…I hope that my desire is to seek Gods will for me and my family every moment of the day. I really mean Gods will, not mine. Mine would be more healthy children.

Will healing come? Yes...maybe not completely on this side of eternity. Maybe a little wound/scar is good. Keeps me sober, keeps my eyes on Christ...the only comforter. I pray that I will REALLY trust God with His plan. Whether with a child or without, with Mr. Obama as our President, with possible wars or terrist threats, with economy ups and downs, finacial security or financial woes, ...Whatever it is...May I trust the God where all our help and securtiy comes form.

James 1:2-8
2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; 8he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.


Aimee said...

Amen Amen Amen.
Enough said.

I miss you.

Emily said...

You said it, sister. He's doing an awesome work in you....

Linda said...

You are wise beyond your years. You might not be able to see it now, but your attitude about God being in control in the good and the bad is a lesson that many people live a lifetime and never learn. I will pray that you are eventually able to have more children and that they will be a healing salve to your soul. I would not be suprised if God has some type of ministry in store for you at some point.

Laura said...

SO good are walking..walking well!

Emily said...

Hi, this is my first time browsing your blog. My daughter, Savannah Grace was stillborn in 2007. I see you did he walk to remember. We do that too. Its an amazing process for me each year. (there are pictures from this year and 2007 on my blog) I just want to give yu a great big hug.

Tamara said...

Well said Corie and beautifully written! Its so neat to hear your heart, so transparent and sweetly said from a humbled, broken, contrite heart! Thanks friend for continuing to share the reality of your days.

By the way... my heart stopped when I saw your photo of "Larson On The Beach"! Oh that is so touching and so beautiful! I want something with this photo on it so I can have it with me always... serious I'm not kidding!