Thursday, February 18, 2010

Timing??

As time has gone on and I have learned to negotiate this journey a little better, there always seems to be more questions and new territories.

I've always wondered when, if, how, with who and where I should mention our son Larson. Now two years later...I find that time makes this even harder. While I will NEVER forget Larsons life, its details and struggles, I know we must all move on. I am much more at peace when people don't mention his name. I don't expect it for sure. But as I encounter new situations....I often find myself having opportunities to share, or do I just want to?

Afterwards I find myself questioning...Should I have shared about him? Did people feel uncomfortable? Should I not say anything at all? I wonder if people wonder why I am still talking about it? Was that an appropriate time? Hope they aren't afraid of me!! :)

While in my heart I know Larsons very short life has been more meaningful then I could ever express I'm not sure others want to hear about him as much as I want to talk about him. He has changed me in so many ways. I look at life differently. I look at my children differently.

Currently I am in a parenting study. The book..Raising Responsive Children..has been incredible. VERY thought provoking as I consider how to raise my children unto the Lord but as unique beings created by God. Each chapter has many questions and encourages us to consider MANY things that go into raising our children. I can't help but think of him as a dynamic in our family and yet he is rejoicing in a far better place.

I never want Larson to be a crutch as to way we may be doing things a certain way...but his story has affected our whole family in some way or another. Each child has processed it differenty and things have manifested from it. I find them navigating life in a whole new way. Fears they never had. Questions we never addresses before.

While the wound is not gaping...the scar remains. But I constantly question....Should the scar remained covered so no ones sees and gets uncomfortable, and if not...when, why, what, where and with whom do I share.

I wish this part would get easier. Navigating social situations and conversations without feeling like you say too much or wish you had said more....praying for wisdom, direction, peace and strength. May God use our story and may I be a faithful vessel.

May I walk in the path that God intends and may I not listen to the enemies lies. Larson was life...He was compatible...He was given as a gift...He is not something to hide...He was and is being used by a faithful God

5 comments:

lemsmom said...

Corie, The timing of thos post was so good for me as I am also wondering about if and when to tell people about Evan, especially with meeting so many new people with my job. Although I realize our situations are different, these situations are major parts of our lives. I aasked this question to the moms on one of the online support groups and honestly I can tell you the best thing I was told was thar Evan is part of my life and his Spina Bifida does not define who he is. I know thar Larson will always be part of your life and his death does not define him. He is a son, a brother a grandson, a cousin, an angel. If people are ucomfortable talking about him, they are missing out on understanding and appreciating how impactful a person can be in such a short time.

Kelly said...

Oh Corie,

This was beautiful and made PERFECT sense to me. I have these same feelings day in and day out - especially upon meeting people. In fact, this has been one of my biggest struggles lately.

Praying for peace inside your heart....

God bless you,

Kelly

kristy said...

AMEN! Praying for you always!

Sara said...

Corie,]
I struggle with the exact same thing... and honestly, maybe this seems bad, but sometimes I don't even care about what others think if I do share... I need to share, I want others to know of Samuel and his precious life. Sometimes I think if people talked about things like grieving and loss more, that there wouldn't be such a stigma associated with infant loss. But I do try to temper that all with being gracious, and forgiving knowing that others may not be "there" like I am because of my experiences. I do still love talking about him and he still matters just as much... always will, just like sweet Larson. Sending love to you Corie... and hugs and prayers too. Blessings sweet friend!
Sara

The Beidle Family said...

Just had to come on here to see this sweet little face. I have been thinking about this precious angel all day.

Love you!