Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Nighttime thoughts

Well its afternoon as I write this!, so I guess kind of a weird title, but it is in the night that I start thinking. Since starting this new journey of my life, the night has always been the hardest time. The house is quite, my sweet children are no longer fighting! and look so incredibly peaceful off into their own precious dreams. Ok...they don't fight all the time...just often displaying sibling love in the many different ways. So the days are pretty busy...thankfully...and when I begin to rest my head on my pillow is when I begin to think...analyze...ponder...pray...fear...and the list goes on.

I do really think I have turned the corner in this grief journey. No longer is the pain so intense and mostly when I think of this year...I look upon it with a smile. Yes..these smiles may be joined with a tear...but not so despairingly. I realize more and more each day that my lifes story is and will continue to unfold. It definitely doesn't look like I though nor hoped it would...but God is so faithful. I really hoped to be bouncing around with a toddler...but Im not.

I think when I lay my head down at night is when I begin to think about what I will continue to transform into. Ok...I know I am not a gorilla or that we come from them...but when accepting Christ as our Saviour I became a new creation. No longer wanting to please myself....but live to bring Glory to God. So this year I wonder...Have I brought Glory to God? Through all the tears and questions and thoughts. I can not completely with confidence say yes...but I do know that God will judge my heart. I am thankful that this walk does not rest in the hands of my friends...or my neighbors...or my family...or my blog readers...I mean that with the utmost respect. Because if I put out a survey on what people thought...I guarantee the responses would very.

Yes..I have been concerned about my response to all of this..my reactions..my fears and anxieties. But I come back to what a dear friend said to me.

We need to be more concerned about our CHARACTER before God,
Then our REPUTATION before man.

Seems easy right? Well when I sit down to think about it...it seems difficult. God is a good God, who has given me a perfect story and continues to write it. But He is the only one who can rightly judge me. Scary without Christ as my mediator. So I continue to desire to want to grow in my wisdom of Christ and also my character that would please Him. Good I only have to think about Him...because the rest gets overwhelming.

So my nighttime thoughts go to how I am sharing, looking and responding to this...to praying that God would keep me focus on Himself!

There are times I still dream about if I had Larson...or if we had another...or if we adopt, but then I realize, Why go there? Its not a story until God Himself reveals that. I continue to stare (yes I do) at pregnant women and newborns...and cute China girls, I have to remind myself....That is not my story, that is their story and it is perfect. No longer do this images hurt so much. Ive always loved to people watch.

Now I wonder if the pregnant women has a healthy baby or if she has lost a baby or if she has some other pain. And the China girls...what is their story and all the other "obvious" children who are adopted. There are others around me I would never now. Everyone has a story. Yes...there are some who still live in the American dream with their white picket fence, I did! But I don't miss it. I don't miss being comfortable in what was comfortable situations. I appreciate the work God is doing. I hope to think of others and their pains and not just try to get back to my "comfortable" life. Don't get me wrong....I have ALONG way to go. Thats the problem with this, as you grow in some things more sin is revealed. So I may be growing in Compassion, but sometimes I don't have patience for other things. There is always going to be contradictions in life. Doing better in this....not so good in that!

But I know that God is faithful and He declares and I am CONFIDENT that "he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6. Yes the getting to completion will sometimes be uncomfortable, unwanted, uneasy and ugly, but HE will complete it!

Thanks for reading...Random post from a random girl!


Sue said...

Dear Corrie,
You are precious! I sit here writing this as our granddaughter, Madeline, is taking a bath. I brought the computer in here and I thought of you and came to this page on my computer. She heard the music and wanted to see what Ahma was looking at. I told her Larson, one of your precious children, is in Heaven with Jesus and Caleb. I told her he arrived there just a few weeks before Caleb. Caleb was born February 19,
2008 but he had gone Home the day before.
I've been following your heart's journey during the past year and sweet one, you are doing fine. Your heart's Owner and Motivator is very evident. You make Him smile as you walk depending on Him as you fill the role in this world He's given you to fill.
Much love to you from me in Tennessee. I'm so thankful I am one of the privileged to be able to know you in such a transparent way. The written word is a wonderful way to find us able to express our hearts. I think our hearts beat similarly as we press on to walk as Enoch did....oh to walk through this life hand in hand with Jesus until we are no more as our Father transforms us into the image of His Son; that others see Him when they look upon us. Then He comes and takes us Home!

IN His Amazing Love!

Aimee said...

I love this post. Well said.

You are so right...we each have our own "story" and its so amazing how God works in different ways.

I think nighttime will always be difficult for us. Its just a time when the world is quiet and we can think about our precious little babies. Oh, how I miss her! But, the sting is a little different these days. I also smile when I think of her...and how her life has changed me...like Larson has done for you.

We love Christ more now because of our suffering...I would never wish for anyone to suffer...BUT I now I would never wish for my life to have been different. God has changed our hearts...

We could still be living in our "happy-white picket fence" life...OH! HOW DREADFUL!!!

I miss you....A friend told me to get an American Express so I could build up some Delta miles.
I need to come and see you!!!!!LILY TOO!

Suzie said...

great post. I know exactly what you are saying! Thinking of you!


Sara said...

I loved reading your post. Wow, it is awesome to see God's continued work in your heart. What a journey it is. I am praising Him that you feel like you have turned a corner and that you can look back and smile. Wow, He is faithful. Greg and I were talking about how He is the potter and we are the clay. Boy, it can hurt to be molded, but the potters hands are always on the clay. I love that picture. He is always carrying us in His hands. Thanks for sharing Corie:) I am glad you got the earrings:)
God's peace<><

Kirsten said...


Big Momma said...

I must say.... I LOVE this "random post from a random girl!" :)

The Beidle Family said...

I love what Sue wrote to you...she is soo right. You are doing this well..and I know it is unto the Lord. If this is random.... than I love that I have a random friend!!! Thanks for being so real. I miss you and love you friend. I pray for you daily.

Laura said...

I love you Corie...I love your heart and what God is doing with you!