Reflection

Today Larson would be 3 months old. I would have been getting his 3 month pictures taken. Maybe even some with his siblings. I know that for some it may seem so wierd that I continue to think of what he would be doing. Maybe it is because there have been 20 babies born since October. Yes, this is not an exaggeration and I can name each one of them. I am constantly seeing who Larson would be "friends" with grow up before my eyes...only it is through other peoples children. I wonder who he would have played with. Just another thing I am getting used to, or shall I say comfortable with.

There is much about the new me. I know I look the same on the outside (aside from a new hairstyle), but I am not. Just like a wound you may get on your knee. Overtime the wound will heal. Depending on the size it can reopen if scrapped again. But eventually it will heal with a scar. The scars' size depends on the size of the wound. My wound is large. The largest I have had this far. Often random things can reopen it. Maybe a baby I see, something someone says or doesn't say or even a smell. I can say that it is healing. It doesn't hurt all day anymore, depending on the day. Sometimes things that help or hurt, may be just the opposite the next day.I know this may all seem confusing. It is just as confusing to me. Grief and mourning is downright confusing. This is something I could not have prepared myself for. I don't expect you to understand all this, especially if you have not buried someone so close. I just ask for patience as I go through it. I know some will walk this road with me for however long it may take. Others may get frustrated, confused or annoyed that it doesn't look the way they think it should and just give up trying. I may not be easy to understand right now. I don't always understand myself. I wish I could give you a timeline...I just don't have it yet!

During the last 3 months, my thoughts often go to the Cross and the sacrifice of Jesus himself. I wonder about his earthly mother Mary. Didn't she grieve wathcing her Son die a heartwrenching death. I have to assume so. And didn't our Father in Heaven grieve also. If not for sin entering the world, Jesus would not of had to die. I take comfort in knowing that God is "A Man of sorrows and acquainted with grief". Isaiah 53:3 He understands my grief more than anyone else and He asks me to share it with him. And yet God was willing to sacrifice his own Son for us. "For God so love the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that WHOEVER BELIVES in Him should not perish but have everlasting life." John 3:16 And Jesus was willing although wishing it could be different. "O My Father, if this cup cannot pass away from Me unless I drink it, Your will be done." Matthew 26:42 Steve and I were willing to let our son go. I have to be honest...that is not what we wanted. We would have loved to see a miracle in the healing of our son. We know God could have done that. He chose not to. Why? I may never know, but there came a point during my pregnancy when I realized the miracle was not going to be what I thought it should be. I had to trust in what God was doing no matter what.

So as I continue my grieving process I long to know more about God. There are times when I feel myself falling BUT I know that He is hanging on to me if if I am hanging on by what feeling like a small thread.
So today at the three month mark I reflect much on what has happened. Just as the picture represents...we let our sweet Larson go. He is perfect in the arms of Jesus now. I do take great comfort that he is fine, its just that it feels so long until I will see him again. Until then I will keep walking this journey with God in front of me showing me the way.

Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Hebrews 12:1-2