Unprepared

Today was a rough day and I found myself unprepared for it. I always thought "THE DAY" would be the hardest and for us the date was October 2nd. Although today was hard. We found out about Larson on a Tuesday. The air seemed similar as did the weather. I did many of the same things and it felt similar. I guess as I went through the day it seemed surreal. Surreal because at times I still feel like I have lived a dream. I began to consider my life a year ago...365 days....


On this day a year ago, I never imagined that....
I would be visiting my son at a cemetery rather then waking him from a nap
I would be planning a funeral rather then a nursery
That I would pick out an outfit to bury my son in rather then a "take home outfit"
That I would be making decisions for a birth plan that was 3 pages long
That I would enter into suffering more then I could ever imagine
I would find out that my baby was a boy and that he would die...all at the same time.
That I would go into a hospital to have a baby and walk out with empty arms
That I would have only 23 hours with my son
That I would have a tattoo with my sons foot on my foot
Friendships would change...some are stronger, some are weaker
That I would feel uncomfortable in situations that I have always felt comfortable
That death would be real to me because it has know come to my house
I would see my husband as an even stronger man then I did before
That I would be so weak and yet seek Christ more

But...I can also say that one year later...
I love God more then I did before
I hope to know God more intimately each and every day
I do not find tears as a weakness
I desire to have intimate and real relationships rather then just surface
I hope to comfort others as they may walk this path
I live every day knowing it very well could be my last
I try to intentionally spend time with my children
I am learning to embrace the pain of loss rather then run from it
I walk with a limp and am not ashamed
We have amazing friends who have walked so well with us no matter our emotions.
We have friends who are willing to love us unconditionally as Christ has
We have amazing family who have supported us well.
Our family and friends are willing to let us grieve the way we need to, and have put no boundries on the time or what it should look like...Thank you.


Life changed for me and my family on October 2nd, 2007. We laugh different, we smile different, we rejoice different, we see things different...and I am thankful for the change.

I do miss the old Corie sometimes..the care free spirit, the "ignorance", the innocence, the thoughts...but I am thankful that God has shown me that this life is marked by suffering and that our trust in Christ will bring us to an eternity where there will no longer be sadness and tears.

I want to reassure people..for those who have commented on their concerns...I am not depressed, just more sober-minded. I am doing fine. I am not defeated, I have been strengthen. Gods mercies are new every day and He has been so faithful to give them.

I take each day as it comes as I know that is all I am guaranteed. Because I am not the same does not mean that I am not OK. Rather I know that God gave me this time for a reason. The purpose I may never know. But just as Jacob wrestled with God and came out with a limp...I too am changed. I will walk with a limp while rejoicing that God has been faithful to walk with me (sometimes carry me) as He has promised, wrestling me while reminding me that He is worthy to be Praised. With that said...THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL THE LOVE YOU HAVE GIVEN TO MY FAMILY!

Turn off the songs below and listen. A song by Steven Curtis Chapman. A song I love to hear and worship with. I believe you Lord...You are good...You are worthy to be praised...You are with us...You are faithful.

October 2nd!

Today is not October 2nd...yet! But this date is heavy on my heart and my mind. It is the day that I will never forget...a day that changed our lives and our family forever. The day I found out that the baby we so wanted would not live with us on earth for very long. The day God began to show me my weaknesses and my utter dependence on His strength.

I got pregnant in May of 2007 following two miscarriages in 2006. The miscarriages rocked me because I had had four healthy children close together with no problems. I say this with complete humbleness now. I don't think I ever pondered the reality of loss. I never had anything like this before. So in my ignorance (yes I believe that is what it is) I entered into each pregnancy with the expectation that I would have a healthy baby in 9 months.

when I got pregnant in May of 2007 I actually pondered for the first time if this baby may not be ok. I know that this was absolutely the Holy Spirit preparing me for what was to come. I hesitated telling people my news and I chalked my hesitation up to not wanting to hear people say things about having a 5th child. In reality, I was just so concerned about the baby. I also thought maybe my hesitance was because it was following my miscarriages. But deep down it was more then that. Something just didn't seem right.

In July of 2007 we went to the beach with some friends. As I talked on the beach with my friend, I shared my concerns with her. She of course encouraged me and and said it was probably nothing. I shared my concerns with my sister in law who is a doctor and of course Steve. All of them passed it off as nothing...just my weakness of worrying (which I did a lot of anyway). Still I knew it was something different.

October 2nd was a date I put up on our white board calender. The calender we wipe days off as we go. My kids were excited about the baby and could not wait to find out if it was a boy or a girl. So as October 2nd rolled around I told Steve that although we talked about having Emma come, I was concerned (yes again) that if something was wrong she would be in the room. He thought it would be fine.

October 2nd finally came and with a nervous stomach, my husband and yes Emma in tow we went to the OB/GYN's office to have my "routine" ultrasound at 20 weeks. I sat staring at the other women with their ultrasound pictures and I could not get rid of my nervousness.

We were called back to the room...and our life was soon to turn upside down or whatever you want to call it. The ultrasound tech had been there for years. She did the ultrasound for all of my other children. Therefore I could tell by her voice, and body language...something was terribly wrong. After many minutes (seemed like hours) we went to see the doctor. Of course my doctor was out of town. My doctor has known me my whole life, his dad delivered me and my siblings and my mom grew up with him. Needless to say the doctor had a horrible, stoic look on her face.

The doctor proceeded to tell us she had some concerns. Our baby had A LOT of fluid in his head, fluid in his chest cavity. She was sending us to a Level II ultrasound right away. All of this was new for me and the panic set in. I left the office barely able to stand up. Steve though it may be fixable...I on the other hand new it was bad.

The next day...which seemed like forever..we went to the next appointment. It is during this appointment that we found out that our baby would not live for long if at all. We will never know if Larson had lung or heart issues because we did not want to do further testing, but based on the amount of fluid in the chest we were told that most likely something was going on. The most severe issue was his brain or lack of one I should say. I write know with tears following as I remember the details of this day. Details that will be etched in my mind forever. Memories that I want to hang on to and yet some I wish I could let go of.

I ask for prayer as we go through this week. I have continue to walk with trust in my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, but with that hope I have also had MANY tears. I want to take this opportunity to that many family and friends that have been willing to let us walk through this journey the way God intended us to...without a time line, without expectations, with tears and questions yet with hope and trust. I have found so many of you to be MORE then I expected you to be. I know that I am not the same person I was a year ago. I grieve the loss of my ignorance, my care free spirit and the joy that I found in life...Yet I rejoice in the mercies God gives me each day...I rejoice in what Christ did on the cross...I rejoice in my sober mindedness that I am not guaranteed even one more day....I rejoice in who God is molding me into. Yes with much heartache, sadness, tears, weariness and loss of much, I DO STILL REJOICE IN CHRIST. He is still my hope, He is still my all and all. He is what I so desire to live my life for.

I continue to covet your prayers as we go through our process of grieve...whatever it may look like and for however long it may be....THANK YOU!

Tonights update!

Thank you all for praying. Nathan is out of surgery and doing well! He is talking and responding. Praise God for this. The doctors were unsure what would be affected based on where the tumor was located. That being said, the surgeon was very encouraged. He said that "he accomplished everything he set out to do, draining the fluid and getting to the tumor and biopsying it." Please continue to pray for this family as they need much rest to continue on in this journey however it may look. Of course continue to pray that the tumor is NOT cancerous and that God would spare the life of this sweet little boy. Thank you again for your prayers on this families behalf!

Pray for Monday

I am writing tonight...Sunday evening to request more prayer for our friends...
Nathan will be having surgery tomorrow (Monday) at 12:30 pm MST. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE be praying. At this point I know that the tumor has wrapped itself around the optic nerve and the pituitary gland. Obviously these are things that you don't want hurt more. I believe the doctors are going to go in and try to drain the fluid from the tumor since it seems they will not be able to take it out. This is the information I know right now.
So please pray for
1. strength for the family...they have 3 other children who are walking this path with them
2.peace that surpasses all understanding while waiting for the surgery
3.the surgeons hands to be able to successfully do what they are intending to do.
4. a miracle that the tumor is not cancerous, smaller then they think and could be removed
I appreciate all your prayers on this families behalf. I will keep you post...until then thank you!

Urgent Prayer Request

Dear fellow bloggers/readers,
I would covet your prayers for a friend of mine. Without giving out names...because we know our good God knows everything going on.
My friends son (5 years old) was taken to the doctor because of concerns that he was having numbing in his hand and foot. After further testing the doctors have told them that the little boy has a brain tumor. He will have an operation on Monday to remove the tumor. I don't know all the details, but I do know that prayer works when we feel fear, concern and questions. Please pray for this family as they have just recieved this diagnosis. For peace, for direction, for comfort and especially for an amazing healing if God so desires. I appreciate your prayers in advance. I'll keep you posted!

Questions????

The last few weeks have been busy, but not without alot of emotions.
Emma, Luke and Landon all started school. I continue to pray about our decision with schooling. I miss my children immensely during the day, but right now we feel that being at this school is the best for them.

Having Levi at home has been a blessing, but I can't help but think of how thinks were suppose to be! Yes I can totally trust a God who is in control of all things. He determines the length of life and He is the writer of my story, but in my humanness, it is difficult to let things go. I have had my fair share of tears these last few weeks. Although that probably is not surprising. As Emma told me, the bottle God is holding with my tears is as big as Daddy's building!

My children continue to work through their own grief. Some are stuffers, so are talkers, so are sharers, it just depends. With six of us working through this...we see alot. Emma told me she doesn't like to see me cry and I reminder her...I cry when she and her brothers go to school. I just love them soooo much. The joy I get when they return is great. I didn't have that with Larson. He left, but will not return. I rejoice I don't have to worry about him, but I weep because I want to hold him.

I am constantly feeling like someone is missing, and he is. But I know that no matter how hard I try, things will not change. I remind myself often that God has shown me this year that I am in control of NOTHING! Ok, I can plan dinner, try to clean, get out of bed, etc. I have choices to make each day, but ultimately I firmly believe each and every day of my life has been determined.

So being able to say this and believe this is good, but I would be lying if I said that my days are still not filled with MANY questions. The whys, whats, when, where, what ifs, etc. And to be honest with you, there are still many days that I am emotionally exhausted by the end of the day. Fighting joy and grief at the same time seems to be so taxing. Staying in the moment with my 4 precious children and reliving and thinking of my son I miss SO deeply.

I often find myself remembering my thought while I was pregnant. I certainly thought the pregnancy and knowing Larson was going to be with us for such a short time had to be the worst part. Thankfully God did not reveal to me the path of grief I would go on after the death. Having only experience death with a grandparent I had nothing to compare it to. Don't get me wrong that is hard, but having your own flesh and blood be delivered from your womb and immediately watch him fade away...well its beyond words to express. Difficult, pain full, surreal, heart wrenching. I wish I could describe it better...I just can't. There is nothing to compare it to, although many have decided to let me know what would be the "hardest" thing to go through. Whether the time with a loved one is moments, minutes, hours, days, months or years...when are we ever prepared to say good-bye. We aren't. Even thought it seems I should have been prepared...I wasn't.

So here I am almost 8 months out and I can say that time helps lift the cloud above my head at times, but even that can still shift from time to time. I am still blind-sided by emotions that I seems to be fine with for a longer period of time. I can be laughing with my kids and next minute want to run to my bed and cry. I can be relaxing for bed and the next minute be so anxious I can't sleep.

I know that God continues to walk by my side, even though there are times I still feel very much alone. Yes even in a room with many, or house full of kids, or sitting next to my incredible husband. Grief can make you lonely. You have to walk on your own path alone (with God) no matter how many want to hold your hand.

So as I continue to ask God questions, some the same as 10 months ago, some very different I am reminded that He is our Father in heaven who wants to hear from us. As a second grade teacher I had students asking many questions. As they enter each new grade there is so much more to learn. Well I find it no different as a child of God, a believer in Christ...although I have professed faith for 12 years and I have read the bible and know the stories....I have SO much more to learn. I highly doubt that God who says "come to me all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give your rest (Matthew 11:28) would reject our questions. He is asking us simply to come and follow Him, He promises to walk with us until the end, He doesn't always give us the answers we want but He desires to listen, to love, to comfort, to encourage. So as a child/student, I will continue ask my questions to a faithful Father and I will not be ashamed that I don't have this all down. How could He mold me the way He wants.

Often I think I should be walking through my days laughing instead of crying, and yet there is no right way to do this and no wrong way. There is no time frame, no expectations...but to come. I do find rest in the Fathers arms, I trust Him fully with my life and with the outcome of things, I do know He keeps His promises and makes no mistakes, I do know He will listen at anytime, I do know that Christ died for my sins and I can't imagine the life and death He live for me, I do trust because God deserves my trust...but I still have questions! And I know with time these questions will make me know Him more.