Tuesday, October 27, 2009

He is Enough!!

I have to say...I can't wait for November. For some reason...October seems to still be a hard month. It was the month I miscarried in 2006 and it was the month we had to mentally bury our dreams with Larson in 2007. It has been better then the last, but I find myself trying hard to find joy.

Ok...so I am not trying to make this post a downer and by no means am I seeking sympathy, empathy or pity. I just feel like sharing whats been going on.

Back in 2007 when we lost Larson I thought I could never do this again...Don't worry we aren't! Now its not that I don't want to now. I have the desire for a baby more then I thought I could. Yet it seems God has completely closed the doors on this. My back problems continue to get worse and instead of hoping for the possibility for another child...I am trying to find relief from chronic pain from my back. The pain is constant and goes from my lower back...down to my calves. Its all day long and often from sitting, standing, sleeping and everyday activities. I am praying for the Lord to take my longing away...and to turn my disappointment into thankfulness and gratitude. I know He will....eventually! :)

I am not looking for a means of healing...trust me, I have tried MANY things in the last 10 months and all the "experts" now how to fix me. Problem is they haven't!!! I have tried both Eastern and Western medicine and I can tell you that neither has helped too much. I am currently trying another therapy and IF it works, I'll let you all know what it is...for those back pain suffers!! :) God has been gracious to point me in different directions and I have an incredibly patient and supportive husband. Although nothing has worked, I know that God has still allowed some options. Or....he may make this my thorn...lets hope not! Im too young..I THINK! :)

Honestly...I am not complaining about this, just perplexed! How could I have been going from wanting to have another child...to having him die...to not having that even as an option anymore. No...nothing has been done permanently and I know God can do ANYTHING, but right now it would seem to be very irresponsible of us to try to have another baby when I can hardly manage my children physically right now. My kids have been through alot as well, but they are awesome and VERY helpful.

So spiritually this has really taken me down a different path. Many questions and LOTS of prayers! As I see others share about their new joy and restoration through another child...I wonder if I will ever fully regain the joy I had. Will I see the healing that God has given them? Will I always long for a baby or will God take that away? Don't get me wrong...I am so happy to see so many babies enter this world without complications. I know..or can only imagine...that they don't fully fill the void of the loss of the sibling that preceded them. Nor do I think any of these parents are doing it for that reason. I do know that I won't have the opportunity to feel what it COULD be like. I must leave that to mystery and continue down the path that God has chosen for me and my family.

I do rejoice in the miracles of what God has chosen in the life of others. There have been some pretty darn cute babies born this last year! I don't find myself bitter. I truly am happy to see so much joy in the lives of so many who have had to endure so much pain. These are a stories to be told and cherished. And of course each one of them comes with its own challenges, dreams lost and hopes gained. Honestly though..I can't write their feelings or thoughts here. I can't explain what it looks like with new life...I can only say where I am at.

So I'm not just writing this for myself. I am writing it for anybody else who may be in this same state. It may not be just from the loss of a child in the hope of having another one. You may have a broken marriage and wonder if it will ever by restored. You may be single and wonder if God would allow you to ever have a husband. You may struggle with infertility and wonder if you will ever be a mother. You may have been hurt by a friend and wonder if you won't feel so lonely. You may be having financial issues and wonder if you will see food on your table today..or have your house tomorrow. You may have lost a loved one that will not be here to share in your earthly joys. All the uncertainties of life. Dreams dashed...feeling challenged. Feeling defeated!

This world is filled with hurts, pains and disappointment for so many. The loss of a dream, hopes or the future we thought would look differently. We may wonder if it will always feel painful or if we will have the chance to see something joyful again....

And so I ask myself daily...What if I never see what I want things to look life? What if God never provides me another tangible joy (at least my definition of joy)? What if my back remains so painful? What if things seem so dark?

And then I go to scripture....Is God enough? Is His Son enough? That Christ died for me...is that enough? Do I deserve anything more? Do I NEED anything more?

Confidently I can say Christ is enough. It will not always take away my questions, thougths or sadness....but it will ALWAYS complete me. He is enough. He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds (Psalm 147:3)...He will NEVER leave me or FORSAKE me (Genesis 28:15)...He bestows a crown of beauty instead of ashes(Isa 61:3)..He turns my mourning into dancing (Jer 31:13)....He promises to complete the work He has started in me (Phil 1:6)...he weeps with us...rejoices with us..walks with us. He is Father...He is Friend.

In Christ there is no "what if's".... He never changes! He is ALWAYS there...through the ups and downs. The heartaches and heartbreaks. Through the questioning and misunderstandings. He is always your friend. HE WON'T change. HE WILL ALWAYS BRING ME THE JOY THAT THIS WORLD CAN NOT. He has defeated the One who has caused so much pain to enter into our lives. His name is satan...he is real..but he is NOT in control.

My dear friend...if you are reading this and wonder why life has a way of seeming to beat you up...turn to the only One who will Always be there for you. It is not your husband, or children, or friends...they are all sinners just like you and me. Our stories will all look different, but we can trust that they are what God wants for us. Accepting our life the way it is...is one of the battles!!

Turn to Jesus Christ...our Saviour AND our friend. Really quite amazing to me. He was called to die for us and take OUR sin and yet He will still be our friend. Flee to Him....read His word...pray to Him to reveal Himself to you and comfort you...He will. Through the heartache and pain, He has never left my side. Although it feels that way at times... I know He hasn't. Press on towards the prize...Eternity with our wonderful Saviour. Where there will be no more tears, questions, pains, disappointments or heartaches.

If you need prayer...I am up at night lots with pain and I know that the Lord uses this to pray for others! Please share your prayers...I would be honored to pray for you. You can do it anonymously or email me. My friends...we are all in this together no matter your hopes, fears, dreams, joys or heartaches.


j3k said...

You are a dear sweetheart! I pray late at night also..... I sometimes get angry with myself for falling asleep when I know I have many more prayers I want to say. You my dear are in my prayers...... I have 5 children (one who got her wings at birth) and her twin is now 17 and suffers with a neuromuscular/autoimmune disease. We have raised her to believe god gave this to her because she will CONQUER many things because of this. She is very sick many days but she never quits smiling and I believe she will become a doctor one day as she wishes!!!!! My tears and prayers at night mostly are for strength for parents as they overcome the loss of a child and stress of caring for sick kids. Everyday is a new day! Always keep smiling and know that someone is thinking about you :)

Hearts and Hugs
Marie Wimsett

Sara said...

What you wrote spoke to my heart tonight... so much of what I can relate to and feel. Corie, I am so sorry that you are still in such pain. That just really stinks. I will pray for you friend, that the Lord would heal you obviously, but too that He would continue to sustain you through the pain that you are currently having.

I know you are praying for me and I thank you for that. It has been such an up and down month for me. Those questions leave me feeling like I am battling in my mind much of the time. I relate to the longing for another child. I still am really shocked for where we are at a whole year later... was hoping for something different. But like you said God is enough. Thanks for the continued prayers as we journey through the next 3 days. I love you friend. You are in my prayers.

Aimee said...

THank you for this Corie. SUch truth!!

I thought of you today. And wished you were here as a deep, dark memory came to mind. I totally lost it unexpectedly while driving.

Can't wait to see you.

Lisa said...

I came to your blog after reading Angie Smith's, where she announced her new pregnancy. I'm so glad I came here- thank you for your post.
My husband and I have lost two daughters to a genetic disease, and although we would love to try one last time for another healthy child, we just simply don't think it would be responsible, as we are struggling so much with our grief still, and our living daughters have been through so much. My husband thinks we should just "be still" for awhile, but I'm having a hard time with that.
Knowing that there are others out there who would love more children but can't for various reasons does help...
Thanks for your post and prayers,

Lisa Maskus said...

Just what I needed...after a long week, which is not yet over. I know you have prayed for me often, and know that I am praying for you. Hoping you find some relief for your back.