I blinked and....

My kids are WAY to big!!

We have just a week left before my kiddos go back to school and mentally it has been hard for me to fathom. My youngest is going this year, so after 10 years of having kids at home...I will be adjusting to something new! I will probably be at the school EVERYDAY like a stalker mom! Well maybe not, but I do substitute at their school and hopefully I will be doing that more.

This summer has gone by so fast but I've enjoyed every minute of it.

My back continues to be good, although after our trip to the beach and LOTS of sitting I have had some achiness so back to PT for me and I'm on some strong anti-inflammation drugs. I think its working this far. One thing I have to do less of is sitting and hence one of the reasons I don't update by blog quite as often. Maybe its also because I stand up while I'm typing :) It's not so comfortable.

So for now...I will continue to enjoy my kiddos...life without chronic pain...and every moment before I blink again and they are 4 years older! Man does time go WAY to fast. If I could only slow down time. It just seems to be picking up pace.



This song could not have said it better...(Remember to turn off my music..:-)

Thoughts

I have lots of thoughts...usually great posts (in my head) at night when it is time to go to bed. Right now i'm not sure what to write other then I have MANY blog posts! They are just in my head right now. When I have time..I hope to sit and write more. Some of them are on life...some on Larson...some on my faith...some on life's journey! But for now... I am enjoying my children, the sun and summer, being able to be active again and living without back pain!

Worthy...You are Worthy

Gods marvelous Word is such a gift. While that is what we need daily for our nourishment, I have also found music has been an incredible preacher to my soul! The Lord has used it often to encourage me and to Praise Him. I can be found blaring it in my house or in my car...with the sunroof open! Much to my daughters dismay as we are pulling up in the carpool line! I certainly don't try to embarrass her! :) This song is amazing by Matt Redman. Through whatever circumstance we are in...He is so worthy to be praised. Forever and a Day! Praise God for giving individuals the talent to sing songs that praise His name and are faithful to do so. To God be the Glory!!! I hope you enjoy this song and may it bless you as it has me. Be sure to turn off the music on my page at the bottom

Healing has begun

Well...I've realized its been more then a month since I've posted and thought I would do a quick update for those who may wonder :) and for those who have faithfully prayed.

I'm feeling really well. PRAISE GOD!! I can't tell you that I had expectations before going into the surgery. I didn't have complete hope of the surgery even working. I tried so many things over the course of the last 14 months that I felt would work. Each "therapy" or treatment I tried, I faithfully prayed about and talked with my husband about before moving forward. And each treatment failed. Acupuncture, Chiropractic care, physical therapy, cortisone shots and decompression therapy. After all this, my pre surgery MRI was the same as it was when I originally did one 10 months before!! Yikes!!

I have realized over the course of the last couple years that God can use Eastern Medicine, Western Medicine or NO medicine to heal or not to heal me. OK..maybe I'm a slow learner or slow trust er, who knows! But I knew this pain could have become my thorn. As much as I didn't want that, I knew God was the creator of my story and that only HE has the answer. I didn't google before the surgery and I decided to go in with blind faith...I'll deal with whatever it is afterward!!

Well I can say for now...almost 4 1/2 weeks after surgery...that my pain in my legs is gone and I am healing well from the surgery itself. I had some surgery pain for sure. It was a little hairy the first couple weeks. I am still limited to no bending, twisting and lifting only 15 pounds or less. No housecleaning or laundry for now! Bummer I know :) So for know, I am resting in this "new" life of not walking around in constant physical pain. It really changed me and my life for the last year. Less patience and LOTS of emotion. I have realized now...JUST HOW MUCH PAIN I WAS IN! Amazing how your body adapts to a certain extent to your circumstances. My body was tense and I just learned to deal (sort of! ) with it.

I do have compassion on those who are living with a debilitating condition. You can look great and pulled together on the outside, but be falling apart on the inside. I've tried my hardest this last year to keep it together, but often I just wanted to cry all the time. Simply tasks were so difficult. I couldn't do anything without pain. Yep..it was with me ALL the time.

After 14 months of chronic pain, my body is learning how to relax again. It was always in protect mode. Really I'm trying to figure out how to do things again. I was so used to having things be so much work that I'm getting used to not having to. I really find myself with more time on my hand then before, because it doesn't take me as long to do things. Grocery shopping, cooking..etc. was hard.

This last few years have been difficult. I won't lie..I had hoped things looked different. After losing Larson, my heart has ached for him. I ached for my children to have another sibling. Not as a replacement but for them to be able to experience new life! To also tangibly see God give. They already saw Him take away. But my Father in Heaven has had other plans for me and my family. While it may not be the desires of my own heart, I have continued to be at His feet praying that He would give me the desires of HIS heart. This has defiantly been a long season of prayer and questions. But as always...my Father has been there.

God has written my story perfectly...yet differently then I had hoped. So my prayer has continued to be that I would rest knowing that He does not make mistakes. While I wanted a different gift...He has found the pain He has given to me to be the most perfect gift of all. This season has caused me to... long more for a relationship with my Saviour, pray more often and ask for direction and answers, being more comfortable with others who are hurting, enjoy the children I have with me, and also more of a longing for eternity and the return of Jesus. And although I feel all these things, I know...I have MUCH more to learn. Yikes!

God is so good.

I really am SO GRATEFUL that God would allow this surgery to be successful up to this point. I am also well aware that this may not stay this way but for now I am trying to rest in this and enjoy my life the way the Lord would have me too. And to be content in all He has for me.

Thank you all for your prayers.

A

Trusting in spite of pain...

Well its been awhile since I have posted. Its been pretty busy around here with not a lot of extra time. Four weeks ago I cut my finger and ended up in surgery because I cut the nerve and tendon in my ringer finger. Its healing well and since I cut the nerve...I have no pain. That's a positive I think.. maybe???. So I have been managing on one hand AND a bad back. Wow does it put things in perspective. Just the desire to not be in pain and to talk a walk.

I know this is simply where the Lord has me at this time and while I often wish it looked differently, I pray for contentment in my present situation. I pray daily for an extra dose of patience as chronic pain does not help in the patience department. It really been a challenge to get much done.

This isn't a post to ask for sympathy, but some prayer. I've mentioned before about my back issues and after over a year of doctors visits and a desire to "escape" surgery, I finally have exhausted all my options with no change in symptoms.

Yep..that's right. After this much time and money spent...my MRI looks THE SAME!!! So with that being said...I would love your prayer on March 23rd as I am going in for back surgery. The doctor will be shaving two of my discs that are bulging into a nerve which is causing the constant pain in my back and legs. The hope is that this will relieve the pain and possibly allow my body to absorb the discs to where they need to be. Having a bulging disc is not a problem...its where they they bulging and the doctor said mine just "happened" to go that direction and on the nerve!

I am praying the the Lord would be the surgeons hands and that the surgery would be successful and with no complications. I would also ask for prayer that the recovery would be quick with no set backs. Also, that my pain would be minimal and my anxiety low!!!! Mostly I pray that I will continue to trust Him in His promises and that whatever He chooses that He will sustain me...because I'm a little worn out. Pain is a difficult thing and the last couple years have been full of both emotional and physical pain. My hope is for relief...

I so appreciate your prayers!


Psalm 40

1 I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.

2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.

3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.

4 Blessed is the man
who makes the LORD his trust,
who does not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods.

5 Many, O LORD my God,
are the wonders you have done.
The things you planned for us
no one can recount to you;
were I to speak and tell of them,
they would be too many to declare.

6 Sacrifice and offering you did not desire,
but my ears you have pierced,
burnt offerings and sin offerings
you did not require.

7 Then I said, "Here I am, I have come—
it is written about me in the scroll.

8 I desire to do your will, O my God;
your law is within my heart."

9 I proclaim righteousness in the great assembly;
I do not seal my lips,
as you know, O LORD.

10 I do not hide your righteousness in my heart;
I speak of your faithfulness and salvation.
I do not conceal your love and your truth
from the great assembly.

11 Do not withhold your mercy from me, O LORD;
may your love and your truth always protect me.

12 For troubles without number surround me;
my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
They are more than the hairs of my head,
and my heart fails within me.

13 Be pleased, O LORD, to save me;
O LORD, come quickly to help me.

14 May all who seek to take my life
be put to shame and confusion;
may all who desire my ruin
be turned back in disgrace.

15 May those who say to me, "Aha! Aha!"
be appalled at their own shame.

16 But may all who seek you
rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who love your salvation always say,
"The LORD be exalted!"

17 Yet I am poor and needy;
may the Lord think of me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
O my God, do not delay.

Timing??

As time has gone on and I have learned to negotiate this journey a little better, there always seems to be more questions and new territories.

I've always wondered when, if, how, with who and where I should mention our son Larson. Now two years later...I find that time makes this even harder. While I will NEVER forget Larsons life, its details and struggles, I know we must all move on. I am much more at peace when people don't mention his name. I don't expect it for sure. But as I encounter new situations....I often find myself having opportunities to share, or do I just want to?

Afterwards I find myself questioning...Should I have shared about him? Did people feel uncomfortable? Should I not say anything at all? I wonder if people wonder why I am still talking about it? Was that an appropriate time? Hope they aren't afraid of me!! :)

While in my heart I know Larsons very short life has been more meaningful then I could ever express I'm not sure others want to hear about him as much as I want to talk about him. He has changed me in so many ways. I look at life differently. I look at my children differently.

Currently I am in a parenting study. The book..Raising Responsive Children..has been incredible. VERY thought provoking as I consider how to raise my children unto the Lord but as unique beings created by God. Each chapter has many questions and encourages us to consider MANY things that go into raising our children. I can't help but think of him as a dynamic in our family and yet he is rejoicing in a far better place.

I never want Larson to be a crutch as to way we may be doing things a certain way...but his story has affected our whole family in some way or another. Each child has processed it differenty and things have manifested from it. I find them navigating life in a whole new way. Fears they never had. Questions we never addresses before.

While the wound is not gaping...the scar remains. But I constantly question....Should the scar remained covered so no ones sees and gets uncomfortable, and if not...when, why, what, where and with whom do I share.

I wish this part would get easier. Navigating social situations and conversations without feeling like you say too much or wish you had said more....praying for wisdom, direction, peace and strength. May God use our story and may I be a faithful vessel.

May I walk in the path that God intends and may I not listen to the enemies lies. Larson was life...He was compatible...He was given as a gift...He is not something to hide...He was and is being used by a faithful God

I find myself at a loss for word of late. Maybe a loss of thoughts. I've never been who doesn't have much to say.... My husband and close friends know that!

The past few months have been a time of reflection. October to January has done that to me the last couple years. I find these months full of intense memories. I try to not focus to much on them. I have four other children to focus on too! Which is a good thing. This year I have been more focused on what I do have...5 children...then what I don't or what I want but don't get. It doesn't take long for me to get on the wrong path and an even shorter time until it takes me down to despair and depression. Praise god for His strength and direction. Without Him...I would have no hope.

Larsons birthday was a great day. I went with a dear friend and our children to paint pottery. I thought it would be a food tangible reminder of our brave son/ brother. My husband and our dear friends husband played 23 holes of golf for Larsons 23 hours. They did this last year too! This year God gave a wink.... At the end of hole 22, my husband found a golf ball with an L on it. Yep! Coincidence? Maybe! I say a gift!

It was. Good day of celebrating his short but impact full life! The 23rd felt like a horrible dream. As I explained to my friend.... His birth is easy to celebrate. His death is hard to swallow. His life came with much joy and grief.

I am thankful to enter February. It seems fresh and new. While I feel this I cant forget the women I have met who find this month cruel or the other dates and months that are good for me, but hard for them. It never crossed my mind before. I had no reason for it. But yes... I know that while I am grieving, other are celebrating. Whether new life or one of their other children. And while I celebrate my children during certain seasons or months... others are navigating their grief. Ecclesiastes comes to mind!

Not everyone is on the same page. The only comfort I can get is God is in it all and He knows all our joys and griefs. Our celebrations and discouragements. Our hopes and desires. He is there. AND He cares! Others pass us by. Some forget. Some want us to move on too! But God is right where we need to be. Holding our hand and wiping our tears. Rejoicing in the beauty and weeping in the pain.

So I guess the last few months have been full of if all. It's been an easier year to swallow my reality or maybe I have just gotten used to it!. I've learned how to walk this road. What was once scary, and often debilitating has now become part of me. I've learned to walk this grief path in my own way with a faithful God. I know He will never leave me or forsake me!

As far as an update on my back---I am scheduling surgery soon. The bulging disc is pressing on my nerve and after almost a year of seeking relief...nothing has worked. I would covet your prayers as I walk this path. Also...yes a medical nightmare here!... I dropped a bowl and cut my finger! It hit a tendon and know need to go to a hand doctor. Please pray for healing and NO surgery there! Ugh! Certainly wish there were other things to report here! But trying to stay focused on the road God has set for me! He knows best!

Celebrating Life!

On October 2nd our son Larson Shawn O'Brien was given an "incompatable
with life diagnosis" at his 20 week of life visit.

We carried his life for 17 more weeks.

On January 22,2008 we welcomed Larson into this world with the most
beautiful cry...






We enjoyed 23 hours of life.




On January 23rd we held him as he peacefully passed into his eternal
home with his Heavenly Father.

On Jan 22, 2010, Larsons Birth Day and providentally Right to life day, we will again celebrate his life and what his birth was for us. God created a boy not for world...but to impact it in other ways. Please join me in rejoicing in what God did and continues to do during his short but meaningful life.




Time makes the wound more bearable...but the wound is still there. Although thankful for this one!!!

I'll share more of my thoughts our day later. I've had a hard
time processing my emotions and thoughts lately. Maybe I've been to
busy or purposly kept myself busy and part of me is emotional that its been 2 years since I held him!!!