I am a SAHM with 5 children. My 5th child,Larson, lived for an amazing but short 23 hours. He is now safe in the arms of Jesus enjoying his eternal home. I also have an amazing husband who I have been married to for 10 years!! Praise the Lord.
Please be gentle with me for I am grieving. The sea I swim in is a lonely oneand the shore seems miles away. Waves of despair numb my soulas I struggle through each day. My heart is heavy with sorrow. I want to shout and screamand repeatedly ask 'why?' At times, my grief overwhelms me and I weep bitterly,so great is my loss. Please don’t turn away or tell me to move on with my life. I must embrace my pain before I can begin to heal. Companion me through tears and sit with me in loving silence. Honor where I am in my journey,not where you think I should be. Listen patiently to my story,I may need to tell it over and over again. It’s how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss. Nurture me through the weeks and months ahead. Forgive me when I seem distant and inconsolable. A small flame still burns within my heart,and shared memories may trigger both laughter and tears. I need your support and understanding.There is no right or wrong way to grieve. I must find my own path. Please, will you walk beside me?
Oh Little Larson
Little Larson Oh Little Larson You died a long time ago. Oh how we miss you. You were cute and little. But you struggled deeply. You tried to fight,But it was to hard. And now you are with the Holy One. In Heaven playing with your mates who suffered too. You are perfect now. Oh how we all long to live with you there. Oh little Larson we miss you.
Go ahead and mention my child, The one that died, you know. Don't worry about hurting me further. The depth of my pain doesn't show. Don't worry about making me cry. I'm already crying inside. Help me to heal by releasing the tears that I try to hide. I'm hurt when you just keep silent, Pretending he didn't exist. I'd rather you mention my child, Knowing that he has been missed. You asked me how I was doing. I say "pretty good" or "fine". But healing is something ongoing I feel it will take a lifetime. ~ Elizabeth Dent ~
Really, it's been more like 5 1/2 years, but I really didn't know what to call this post. Actually I had forgotten my password and had to reset it to even get in to write. Somehow that felt good. I was able to step away from this as I aloud myself to heal away from this. Not that it is bad, I just really needed a break. I sat at my computer so much, for so long, that I think it wore it out! I went from researching my son's "incompatible with life" diagnosis to other stories to back issues and back again. I am finally in a place where pain seems to be a distant memory. It's been 5 years since saying hello and good-bye to Larson and 3 since having back surgery. I was just remembering today, the span of about 4 years where pain was my roommate. I went from emotional pain to physical pain and somehow that is exactly where God wanted me to be. There are times I find myself "waiting in the balance" and wondering when the "next trial will come" and then I remind myself that is not where God wants me to be. Somehow living again, meant laughing again and intentionally enjoying life again. I know...it sounds crazy...I have 4 other wonderful children that are amazing and yet grief somehow stole my joy. It's amazing how you have to make a daily choice to have joy. Yes! I never thought that would be me. I was exhausted to choose joy because it didn't come naturally anymore and yet now it is new roommate for me. Grief is a visitor that no longer has a grip on my and joy is my friend. God is so honest when he says "I will never leave you or forsake you" and I am so grateful that while having to choose joy, God was helping me with my choice.
Now 5 years later, I have the privileged of pouring into 28 1st graders on a daily basis. I do not take for granted their life, nor do I question why I am there. For so long, I wondered what God wanted me to do after the death of our son. I felt very stuck. But He always had a plan. After recovering from back surgery ( a year later!), the principal and my children's school asked if I could finish up the year for a teacher. This was my "ticket" out of the mire. I was grateful to help someone else. And her I am....2 1/2 years later. As I close up another year with a wonderful group of children, I can say that I am grateful for my incredible husband, wonderful children and the place we call work. It is work to teach and parent and live, but God doesn't promise it to easy, but he does promise it to be perfect!! His perfect! It seems messy at times, but He is behind it all and somehow it is perfectly beautiful and messy!
This blog was created in order to communicate with our family and friends about our journey of grief with our son Larson. Larson was diagnosed on October 2nd, 2007 with HPE alobar. He was born on January 22nd, 2008 and lived for a wonderful 23 hours. I created this blogt to make communicating easier and more efficent following Larsons death. It journals my emotions, hopes, fears and everything in between. Grief is difficult...unpredictable...exhausting and confusing. If you are in a similar situation feel free to email me. I know that the journey can be a bit easier when traveled with a friend who has gone through it also. May Larsons story declare the Lords faithfulness during lifes most trying and darkest times.