4 years

It’s hard to believe how long it’s been since I have written on this blog. It’s even harder to believe that it has been 4 years since we said hello and good-bye to our son. Life is different. Life is good. Life is sobering. Life is real. Life is amazing with a faithful God.
I have spent some time this week reflecting on the past 4 years. It’s amazing where we are at right now. It really is. I know that when I was pregnant and reading blogs, I couldn’t imagine what 4 years would look like. I couldn’t imagine anything going forward because quite frankly at that time, life was standing still!! Would I ever feel joy again? How?
I realize now that joy is different for me. It is not joy in the things I had before. It is a scared joy in the things above.
Four years ago as we anticipated and prepared for Larson’s birth, I knew that the inevitable would happen—DEATH. I had already had 4 children. I knew what it was like to add to my family. It was easy. Sure there was a season of craziness. A period of transition as we got used to more work. I didn’t know how to have a child die. This was not normal. You get pregnant and anticipated the arrival of a spectacular event. You don’t get pregnant to plan a funeral, but that’s what we did. We had been planning a funeral for 17 weeks.
We made a decision when we received Larson’s diagnosis to watch his life unfold according to what God had desired. He arrived with an incredible smile and a miraculous cry! That cry was like no other. He had fluid in his lungs! It was a gift for sure! God gave us 23 amazingly sacred and beautiful hours of life. It’s not what I wanted. It’s not what we had hoped for. We wanted more. We wanted years!
The first couple of years where the hardest for me. Yes! 2 years was rough. Not what I expected. At times unbearable. I wrestled with God. He listened. I asked God questions. He answered. Not always how I had hoped or prayed for but he did answer. I went through dark times. God was there. A year after Larson died, I had incredible back and leg pain. I wondered why this? Eventually I had back surgery and then spent time recovering from surgery. The path I continued down was nothing I had imagined. I wanted my son. I wanted more children. That was not a part of our families story, but God has been faithful. Yes, He is Good!!
I have come to see the beauty of God’s faithfulness. It's not always been easy but it is being created by the Creator Himself. There has been darkness and depression. There has been laughter and tears. There has been pain and suffering. There has been smiles and anger. There is the good, the bad and ugly. There still is! But I am no longer stuck in the darkness. There truly is beauty from ashes. Not the beauty that the world looks for. My son is still gone. There will always be incompleteness in our family. But beauty isn’t there. Beauty is in hope. Beauty is in mercy. Beauty is joy in the LORD. Beauty is in a unchanging God. Beauty is in Jesus.
I still think of Larson daily. I smile as I consider his little body and every detail about it. I like that I can still imagine all of it. I don’t want to forget anything about him. When I think of Larson, it is no longer painful. It is not filled with the gut-wrenching grief and sadness. I don’t fill like I’m in the slough of despond and will not make it out. I am no longer in a pit. I am so very grateful for what God has given to me. Yes! Grateful for each one of my children and my husband and everything that is wrapped up in it. It’s not always easy, but the dance between joy and grief is beautiful. It’s beautiful because God is here! I don’t hope for perfection. I am satisfied with imperfect.
Last week, I was caught off guard by my attitude. After sailing through the seasons and feeling quite settled, suddenly I felt a stir in my heart. A darkness. I was anticipating Larson’s birthday. I’m not going to lie. His birthday is hard. The day to day of life is now normal, but there is nothing normal about celebrating a birthday without the birthday boy. How do you celebrate? We have done something with our kids each year and I am so grateful we have. We take the time to pause. To celebrate life. To celebrate another day of life. To thank God for getting us through the good and bad. We celebrate the incredible gift in a son, brother, nephew and grandson who impacted many! We celebrate Jesus who has allowed us the hope to see our son again.
After trying to fight my emotions, I decided to give in. To which his video and let the tears fall. He is worth the tears and heartache as much as he is worth the laughter and joy. Because in this place of grief (even 4 years out!) is also an amazing God. A God who was with us at Larson’s diagnosis, during the 17 weeks that we carried him, in the delivery room as we greeted him, in the hospital room as we enjoyed our time and God was there when we had to say good-bye and let Larson go. Yes, 4 days later I am still in this dance. And I am still dancing!!! Sometimes it’s graceful and smooth and other times I fall. But my partner is amazing. I don’t stay down for long because I have practiced this dance for a while now. It’s not uncomfortable anymore when I am clumsy, and I am ok with falling, because the fall is as beautiful as when I get up. Somehow in the fall the worship is sweeter and my gratitude deeper.
Thank you to all the many friends who continue to think about Larson. It always warms a parent’s heart to hear about their children and Larson is no different. We have some incredible friends who have walked by our side all this time and we have made many more. Until next time…

I blinked and....

My kids are WAY to big!!

We have just a week left before my kiddos go back to school and mentally it has been hard for me to fathom. My youngest is going this year, so after 10 years of having kids at home...I will be adjusting to something new! I will probably be at the school EVERYDAY like a stalker mom! Well maybe not, but I do substitute at their school and hopefully I will be doing that more.

This summer has gone by so fast but I've enjoyed every minute of it.

My back continues to be good, although after our trip to the beach and LOTS of sitting I have had some achiness so back to PT for me and I'm on some strong anti-inflammation drugs. I think its working this far. One thing I have to do less of is sitting and hence one of the reasons I don't update by blog quite as often. Maybe its also because I stand up while I'm typing :) It's not so comfortable.

So for now...I will continue to enjoy my kiddos...life without chronic pain...and every moment before I blink again and they are 4 years older! Man does time go WAY to fast. If I could only slow down time. It just seems to be picking up pace.



This song could not have said it better...(Remember to turn off my music..:-)

Thoughts

I have lots of thoughts...usually great posts (in my head) at night when it is time to go to bed. Right now i'm not sure what to write other then I have MANY blog posts! They are just in my head right now. When I have time..I hope to sit and write more. Some of them are on life...some on Larson...some on my faith...some on life's journey! But for now... I am enjoying my children, the sun and summer, being able to be active again and living without back pain!

Worthy...You are Worthy

Gods marvelous Word is such a gift. While that is what we need daily for our nourishment, I have also found music has been an incredible preacher to my soul! The Lord has used it often to encourage me and to Praise Him. I can be found blaring it in my house or in my car...with the sunroof open! Much to my daughters dismay as we are pulling up in the carpool line! I certainly don't try to embarrass her! :) This song is amazing by Matt Redman. Through whatever circumstance we are in...He is so worthy to be praised. Forever and a Day! Praise God for giving individuals the talent to sing songs that praise His name and are faithful to do so. To God be the Glory!!! I hope you enjoy this song and may it bless you as it has me. Be sure to turn off the music on my page at the bottom

Healing has begun

Well...I've realized its been more then a month since I've posted and thought I would do a quick update for those who may wonder :) and for those who have faithfully prayed.

I'm feeling really well. PRAISE GOD!! I can't tell you that I had expectations before going into the surgery. I didn't have complete hope of the surgery even working. I tried so many things over the course of the last 14 months that I felt would work. Each "therapy" or treatment I tried, I faithfully prayed about and talked with my husband about before moving forward. And each treatment failed. Acupuncture, Chiropractic care, physical therapy, cortisone shots and decompression therapy. After all this, my pre surgery MRI was the same as it was when I originally did one 10 months before!! Yikes!!

I have realized over the course of the last couple years that God can use Eastern Medicine, Western Medicine or NO medicine to heal or not to heal me. OK..maybe I'm a slow learner or slow trust er, who knows! But I knew this pain could have become my thorn. As much as I didn't want that, I knew God was the creator of my story and that only HE has the answer. I didn't google before the surgery and I decided to go in with blind faith...I'll deal with whatever it is afterward!!

Well I can say for now...almost 4 1/2 weeks after surgery...that my pain in my legs is gone and I am healing well from the surgery itself. I had some surgery pain for sure. It was a little hairy the first couple weeks. I am still limited to no bending, twisting and lifting only 15 pounds or less. No housecleaning or laundry for now! Bummer I know :) So for know, I am resting in this "new" life of not walking around in constant physical pain. It really changed me and my life for the last year. Less patience and LOTS of emotion. I have realized now...JUST HOW MUCH PAIN I WAS IN! Amazing how your body adapts to a certain extent to your circumstances. My body was tense and I just learned to deal (sort of! ) with it.

I do have compassion on those who are living with a debilitating condition. You can look great and pulled together on the outside, but be falling apart on the inside. I've tried my hardest this last year to keep it together, but often I just wanted to cry all the time. Simply tasks were so difficult. I couldn't do anything without pain. Yep..it was with me ALL the time.

After 14 months of chronic pain, my body is learning how to relax again. It was always in protect mode. Really I'm trying to figure out how to do things again. I was so used to having things be so much work that I'm getting used to not having to. I really find myself with more time on my hand then before, because it doesn't take me as long to do things. Grocery shopping, cooking..etc. was hard.

This last few years have been difficult. I won't lie..I had hoped things looked different. After losing Larson, my heart has ached for him. I ached for my children to have another sibling. Not as a replacement but for them to be able to experience new life! To also tangibly see God give. They already saw Him take away. But my Father in Heaven has had other plans for me and my family. While it may not be the desires of my own heart, I have continued to be at His feet praying that He would give me the desires of HIS heart. This has defiantly been a long season of prayer and questions. But as always...my Father has been there.

God has written my story perfectly...yet differently then I had hoped. So my prayer has continued to be that I would rest knowing that He does not make mistakes. While I wanted a different gift...He has found the pain He has given to me to be the most perfect gift of all. This season has caused me to... long more for a relationship with my Saviour, pray more often and ask for direction and answers, being more comfortable with others who are hurting, enjoy the children I have with me, and also more of a longing for eternity and the return of Jesus. And although I feel all these things, I know...I have MUCH more to learn. Yikes!

God is so good.

I really am SO GRATEFUL that God would allow this surgery to be successful up to this point. I am also well aware that this may not stay this way but for now I am trying to rest in this and enjoy my life the way the Lord would have me too. And to be content in all He has for me.

Thank you all for your prayers.

A

Trusting in spite of pain...

Well its been awhile since I have posted. Its been pretty busy around here with not a lot of extra time. Four weeks ago I cut my finger and ended up in surgery because I cut the nerve and tendon in my ringer finger. Its healing well and since I cut the nerve...I have no pain. That's a positive I think.. maybe???. So I have been managing on one hand AND a bad back. Wow does it put things in perspective. Just the desire to not be in pain and to talk a walk.

I know this is simply where the Lord has me at this time and while I often wish it looked differently, I pray for contentment in my present situation. I pray daily for an extra dose of patience as chronic pain does not help in the patience department. It really been a challenge to get much done.

This isn't a post to ask for sympathy, but some prayer. I've mentioned before about my back issues and after over a year of doctors visits and a desire to "escape" surgery, I finally have exhausted all my options with no change in symptoms.

Yep..that's right. After this much time and money spent...my MRI looks THE SAME!!! So with that being said...I would love your prayer on March 23rd as I am going in for back surgery. The doctor will be shaving two of my discs that are bulging into a nerve which is causing the constant pain in my back and legs. The hope is that this will relieve the pain and possibly allow my body to absorb the discs to where they need to be. Having a bulging disc is not a problem...its where they they bulging and the doctor said mine just "happened" to go that direction and on the nerve!

I am praying the the Lord would be the surgeons hands and that the surgery would be successful and with no complications. I would also ask for prayer that the recovery would be quick with no set backs. Also, that my pain would be minimal and my anxiety low!!!! Mostly I pray that I will continue to trust Him in His promises and that whatever He chooses that He will sustain me...because I'm a little worn out. Pain is a difficult thing and the last couple years have been full of both emotional and physical pain. My hope is for relief...

I so appreciate your prayers!


Psalm 40

1 I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.

2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.

3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.

4 Blessed is the man
who makes the LORD his trust,
who does not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods.

5 Many, O LORD my God,
are the wonders you have done.
The things you planned for us
no one can recount to you;
were I to speak and tell of them,
they would be too many to declare.

6 Sacrifice and offering you did not desire,
but my ears you have pierced,
burnt offerings and sin offerings
you did not require.

7 Then I said, "Here I am, I have come—
it is written about me in the scroll.

8 I desire to do your will, O my God;
your law is within my heart."

9 I proclaim righteousness in the great assembly;
I do not seal my lips,
as you know, O LORD.

10 I do not hide your righteousness in my heart;
I speak of your faithfulness and salvation.
I do not conceal your love and your truth
from the great assembly.

11 Do not withhold your mercy from me, O LORD;
may your love and your truth always protect me.

12 For troubles without number surround me;
my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
They are more than the hairs of my head,
and my heart fails within me.

13 Be pleased, O LORD, to save me;
O LORD, come quickly to help me.

14 May all who seek to take my life
be put to shame and confusion;
may all who desire my ruin
be turned back in disgrace.

15 May those who say to me, "Aha! Aha!"
be appalled at their own shame.

16 But may all who seek you
rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who love your salvation always say,
"The LORD be exalted!"

17 Yet I am poor and needy;
may the Lord think of me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
O my God, do not delay.

Timing??

As time has gone on and I have learned to negotiate this journey a little better, there always seems to be more questions and new territories.

I've always wondered when, if, how, with who and where I should mention our son Larson. Now two years later...I find that time makes this even harder. While I will NEVER forget Larsons life, its details and struggles, I know we must all move on. I am much more at peace when people don't mention his name. I don't expect it for sure. But as I encounter new situations....I often find myself having opportunities to share, or do I just want to?

Afterwards I find myself questioning...Should I have shared about him? Did people feel uncomfortable? Should I not say anything at all? I wonder if people wonder why I am still talking about it? Was that an appropriate time? Hope they aren't afraid of me!! :)

While in my heart I know Larsons very short life has been more meaningful then I could ever express I'm not sure others want to hear about him as much as I want to talk about him. He has changed me in so many ways. I look at life differently. I look at my children differently.

Currently I am in a parenting study. The book..Raising Responsive Children..has been incredible. VERY thought provoking as I consider how to raise my children unto the Lord but as unique beings created by God. Each chapter has many questions and encourages us to consider MANY things that go into raising our children. I can't help but think of him as a dynamic in our family and yet he is rejoicing in a far better place.

I never want Larson to be a crutch as to way we may be doing things a certain way...but his story has affected our whole family in some way or another. Each child has processed it differenty and things have manifested from it. I find them navigating life in a whole new way. Fears they never had. Questions we never addresses before.

While the wound is not gaping...the scar remains. But I constantly question....Should the scar remained covered so no ones sees and gets uncomfortable, and if not...when, why, what, where and with whom do I share.

I wish this part would get easier. Navigating social situations and conversations without feeling like you say too much or wish you had said more....praying for wisdom, direction, peace and strength. May God use our story and may I be a faithful vessel.

May I walk in the path that God intends and may I not listen to the enemies lies. Larson was life...He was compatible...He was given as a gift...He is not something to hide...He was and is being used by a faithful God