Sunday, June 22, 2008

5 Months!



I can not believe it has been 5 months since I have held my sweet baby boy. It has been a bittersweet day today. Thinking of all he would be today on his 5 month birthday and yet embracing the blessing he was to our family for just 23 hours. I would give anything to have him in my arms again for that 23 hours. Maybe to take in a little bit more of who he was. Smelling him again, and examining every inch of him to remember what I could. It just doesn't seem real that I had him for a mere 23 hours on earth. How could I ever possible get enough of him. Hard to believe that we really had a baby 5 months ago and that we give him back to the Father. I often have to sit back and remind myself this is reality. We really do have a person to visit at the cemetary and it is in "babyland".

I can only imagine what Larson is doing right now. I am certainly not worried about him. I know he is doing just fine. How could he not? He is the best place and the safest place.

How am I doing 5 months later? Still a very hard question to answer. Am I good? Well sometimes, but I am not over the death of my son. I don't think I ever will be, nor do I think God would want me to be. It is just figuring out how to go forward without getting so down about it. I know that I will always have the "mark" of a mom who lost a child. To be perfectly honest...I will gladly carry this "label" with pride the rest of my life.

God gave this family a blessing that not everyone gets to experience. I know this may seem wierd to some, but we have had the opportunity to see Gods grace, mercy, love and faithfulness in a way we may never have been able to without Larson. How I am doing depends on the day and sometime the moment. Summer is great, but I sure see alot of babies. It just makes me wonder about Larson so much. Would he like the swimming pool? What would his sister and brothers love about him? Would he love to snuggle like the rest of my children?

I am enjoying my other children and a whole other way then I did before. Trying to take in all the miracles I see in them everyday. Watching them laugh and giggle. Watching them sleep and then wake up. Blessing I never say that way before. I pray ever day that God would continue to give my grace to make it through. I know it seems I should not have to do this all the time, but I do see everything so different. I could I get through any day without his grace. Being a mom, aside from losing a baby, is a high calling and hard job. I have 4 little ones to nurture and admonish, teach and guide. I hope to cherish so much with my children here, knowing that God has determined their time on earth as well. We don't know how long we have and so I pray I step out of bed each day, whether it is easy or not, and walk in a way that would bring Glory to God. My desire to please him is greater and yet reality is it is sometimes harder. My weaknesses are more evident, His strength so perfect.

The picture above is of one of my most precious pieces of jewelry. When Larson died, the cemetery did his foot and hand prints. They shrunk them down and put them on these little pendents. I guess that is what you call them. I see them kind of like his "dog tags". I wear this everyday and it touches right at my heart. I am thankful to "carry" this with me since I don't have my son to carry.

Thank you to everyone who has continued to walk with my family even 5 months out. I have been SO blessed by your comments and emails. I can not express enough how much it means to me that you would still be willing to listen to a grieving mother such as I. I have some amazing family and friends and also some amazing new friends. Love to you all.

10 comments:

Carlton and Aimee Weathers said...

I find it hard to believe that is has been 5 months since my sweet Sophie was laying on my chest and I was kissing her precious little face. 5 months. God continues to lavish His grace on me and my family. I am walking a road that I thought was the "impossible". Yet, Christ continues to uphold me through the storm.
Once again, I am reminded of God's sweetness when I think of you, your family and Larson. I would have never found such an amazing friend had it not been for our children. God is good. He knew we would need one another. And he paired up two women who are so much alike, its actally pretty scary.
It has been such a relief to know I can pick up the phone and talk to someone who "knows" what I am feeling before I even explain it.

Hoping to see you soon.... (Steve, you pinkie promised!)

boltefamily said...

Oh Corie!

I can so identify with your words as always! The 22 of each month is so bittersweet. Thank you for sharing your heart and always making me feel that I have a friend who understands completely! I love you and am praying for you tonight on Larson's five month Birthday!

Much Love,
Kristy

sumi said...

I love the pendant! I wish I had known to make something like that for Jenna. (We were in another country when she passed away and the funeral home service was not the same as here in the States...a whole 'nother story)

Many hugs to you as you walk this road one step at a time...

Sumi

Kenzie said...

Corie-

Praying for you guys today and the beautiful memories that you have with Larson. I am so glad that you continue to see the Lord's hand at work through all of this... I know... He is truly the only one that carry this kind of pain.

Love lots and praying,
Kenzie

Laurie said...

Hi Corie,

Larson's "dog tag" pendants are just perfect. I love that they are his feet and hand prints shrunk down to fit. I have prayed for many babies and their mommies. I always feel honored to continue visiting and seeing how the Lord is restoring each one of you after painfully placing these precious little ones in His hands. It increases my faith to see His faithfulness to restore you all, and He is, one day at a time, one tear at a time. All of you are special to me and I am praying your get-together is blessed to the heavens. What wonderful fellowship this time will be for you. Have a wonderful week Corie.

Laurie in Ca.

Anonymous said...

The dog tags are so precious, Corie. Thank you for sharing your heart and soul with all of us via your blog. I check your blog every day (if not several times a day) to see how you are doing and with every post, you continue to show me what an incredible person, mom, wife, and friend you are. You know that I am not the most "faithful" person, but when I read your blog, I find myself wondering more about God and his grace. Thank you for teaching me, Corie.

I miss you and love you so much.

Angela Nicole

Laura said...

I too love your neckalce...those precious feet that are walking around in heaven....just waiting to run into your arms again.

Love you sweet friend!

Linda said...

Please let me encourage you as someone who is now four years and almost two months down the road from losing my Ben. The pain really does lessen to some extent, but I will be honest and say that it never goes away. There is not a single day that I do not think of my little boy and wonder what he would have been doing had he stayed with us. Even still, there are more "good" days now than bad, and for that I am thankful. I want to share a poem with you that gave me so much comfort. It is my Amy Carmichael and is titled "Hast Thou No Scar?"

Hast thou no scar?
No hidden scar on foot, or side, or hand?
Ihear Thee sung as mighty in the land,
I hear them hail thy bright ascendant star,
Hast thou no scar?

Hast thou no wound?
Yet I was wounded by the archers, spent,
Leaned Me against a tree to die; and rent
By ravening beasts that compassed Me, I swooned;
Hast thou no wound?

No wound? No scar?
Yet, as the Master shall the servant be,
And pierced are the feet that follow Me;
But thine are whole; can he have followed far
Who has no wound nor scar?

I have prayed for you this morning.
Blessings.

Becoming Me said...

I just today found your blog. It is beautiful. I am so very sorry for your loss.

Emily said...

So perfect. So beautiful. So thankful for Larson. :)