Monday, June 16, 2008

The teeter-totter

Well we are back after an enjoyable 7 days together. This is the only picture we took the entire week. Isn't that pathetic. We really did do things. Mostly relaxed at the pool, but we got to Universal Studios and the beach also. It seems so weird to say this, but it was hard to know just how to relax. I really have not been away from my kids this long or this far. Steve and I have gone away to the mountains for two nights at most. It is hard to believe. We really do enjoy one another, its just been crazy. Good reminder to just make the time. We need it as parents to refresh and rejuvenate for the kids.

Well this blog may be random. Just going to put down some thoughts from the week. Like I said it was a good week, but felt like I was on a teeter-tooter. You minute you are up and the next minute you are down. I had a lot of time to sit and think. This can be good, but if you over analyze everything like I do, is not always so good. I have not had any down time since Larson. Really since this whole journey began. You get the news of a fatal diagnosis and life does not slow down for you. Kids still need to be fed, cared for and loved. This is good or I would have thrown the covers over my head many times. Anyway, while sitting at the pool staring at all the other families who had little baby boys, I would really be down thinking and "reliving" my life which frankly feels like a dream. I would tear up realizing this really did happen. I know this may sound so weird to say. I mean really, I should know by now this is all true and not a dream. But, honestly it really feels like one. I look at my pitcures and think "He really was ours for just a moment" and yet I know that all my children really are not mine, just given for a time to train up to Glorify our Father in Heaven.

OK, so then just as I relive life, I am blessed by the reality of my life. God has given me an incredible husband who has faithfully has led this family and carried us many times in the darkest of times. Being that it was fathers day I thought so much about all he means to me and my children. Know I don't always say this enough to him so Steve if you are reading this...You are loved and appreciated more then I could ever fully express. Thank you for working so hard daily to provide for your family. Thank you for listening to me even when you are tired, I've used my 20,000 words for the day and I am asking the same questions I have asked the last 8 months..Why? Know what? What if? What about? Some of you probably know what I am talking about. During our last 8 months, you have carried your family so well. You have had to make decisions I wish you never had to make, but you did so with much grace and wisdom and you never complained. Steve you loved Larson so well in the time we had with him. I am so blessed with the memories of all you did to prepare for him. You met with the hospital staff to make sure everything was ready for him, you planned his service on your own. Not because you thought others wouldn't help, but you want to plan this for your son. You knew this was the one day you could plan for him. You kept me sane and you continue to remind me of all the good that has come out of this even when I don't feel like that. Yes I am up on the teeter tooter when I think of the things here that the Lord has given to me to appreciate.

So where am I going with all of this? Good question! I had so much time to contemplate, evaluate, and THINK. Thinking about so much. Where do I go from here. Trying to embrace the pain of the loss of Larson, while also embracing the joy of my husband and my children and my life while still on earth. I feel like it is something I am trying to balance. Not getting too focused on my loss and also not thinking about it at all and shoving it in the back of my mind! Which honestly I feel like I weight heavily on thinking about Larson so much. It really can get me down. I do feel like this has become a big spiritual battle for me. Learning to listen to Gods word and not Satans whispering in my ear. That somehow this was a mistake and I had some control. I know this is not true. God has faithfully planned every detail of my life. I may never understand all of it, but I know I have to trust Him. I know that it has been almost 5 months since I held Larson in my arms. My arms still fill empty. It seems just yesterday I was looking into his eys preparing to say my final good-bye and yet it also seems so long ago.

Right now on this teetor-totter, I am praying to be somewhere balanced in the middle. Enjoying life without getting so down, without trying to figure everything out, without asking so many questions that there are just no answers to. I want to remain balanced and focused on the word of God. Training my children to love God with all their mind, heart, soul and strength. Reminding them daily that our hope is in believing in Jesus and one day spending eternity with him. Reminding them to not get so comfortable in this world where we don't long for Jesus any longer.

I certeinly hope these words are not so random. I could have spent a lot of time editing, but then when would I have that time? If you think about it, I would love prayers to hang on to Gods promises, trust him on this journey and to not try to figure it all out. Honestly you would think I would know by now that I can not plan my life, but I can trust a wise God who knows the beginning and the end.

One of my favorite verses in Proverbs since being a Christian is
Trust the Lord with all your heart
Lean not on your own understanding
In all your ways acknowledge Him
And He shall direct your path.

Fitting I like it so much, certeinly reminding myself of the truths daily. Thank you for reading and praying.


Laurie said...

Hi Corie,

Beautiful and straight from the heart posts like this do not need editing. I am so glad that your week away was refreshing and restoring. Larson left his little footprints all over your hearts. This will never change and Jesus, the One who holds you will never change. The "Only" picture of your time away says it all, still standing, smiling, and together through this difficult time. My prayers continue for you all.

Laurie in Ca.

Julie said...

Thank you so much sharing with me your heart. Much of what I fear will make me less of a person because of my feelings so thank you for helping me to feel "normal" in the situation that we are given. I don't think that the love we have for our children should leave us, even if their souls do earlier. I just wish I knew how to balance my emotions until I am in a private area so that people don't think that I am crazy. I would love to add you to my blog for prayers. This is new for so many of my family and you are such an encouragemnt.

Carlton and Aimee Weathers said...

I understand your feeling of emotions that are constantly going up and down.
I am praying.
Call me this week> OK?

Tamara said...

Corie, what a great post! Raw emotions are what we all love to read and they are the ones that speak to our hearts the most!

Ever since God put you on this path and motioned you forward you have always kept your eyes on Him wether wrestling or resting... its always with Him that you return!

What a true testimony of a Christain your walk has been and will continue to be!

I love being around you all the time, hearing your heart! I will never grow weary my friend of your words, for I will walk along side you until our very last breath!

I love you Corie!!! In one word, you are "STEADFAST" Love Tam

Kirsten said...


I adore you!!! Every word makes so much sense to me and touches my heart. Thank you for sharing - it resonates so deeply. Tomorrow will be two months since Chloe was delivered and I see myself so much in your journey. I don't feel as alone when I read your story. You are in my prayers.

So glad you had a great time with your husband!


Suzie said...

Welcome Home. Gald you had a great time with your husband. I know how much it is needed. I love that verse at the end of your post. It kinda put things in perspective for me, as I struggle daily as to how to feel and where things are going. Thank you so much for sharing. Thinking and praying for you daily.


Linda said...

You don't know me. I stumbled on your blog by "accident." I am so sorry for your loss. We lost our firstborn (adult) son in January 2003, and then a wonderful surprise pregnancy gave us a beautiful little fourth son in May 2004, with the diagnosis of trisomy-18 - "not compatible with life." He lived 6 hours and broke our hearts in a way that I did not think was possible. I assumed that nothing could hurt as badly as losing our grown son, Danny, but that was not true. Little Ben would have been four years old by now, and I still watch little children his age in our church nursery and on the playgrounds, and I sometimes just cry... His little grave marker says, "I am fearfully and wonderfully made. You knew the number of my days."

Your background music makes me teary, and I could go on and on, but suffice it to say that I believe God is in control, and He has used these very dark threads to weave the tapestry. You will be in my prayers.