Monday, June 2, 2008

Phew!!!

Ok, so this was a day that I was dreading. Maybe that is to much of an exaggeration, but honestly I really wanted this day to go quickly. Today is my birthday and there was not much about it that I wanted to celebrate. I am 35 today, so the thought of being labeled "advanced maternal age" just really makes me sad. Last year at this time I didn't think about it as much. I figured at least I would have a sweet little baby to snuggle with and celebrate with. I have to say I DO have 4 other children to celebrate with today, but their brother is missing. On top of this, I found out my thyroid is not working correctly so I will have to take medication to get it back in sync. Really not such a big deal, but add it all up and it makes this birthday hard to take.

The day was uneventful. Swimming with the kids and a friend. I have to say, they are definitely what makes me get out of bed in the morning. In the evening I was quite surprised to have my husband bring me home roses. We then went to the restaurant that we had our first date almost 13 years ago. On top of that, he called ahead to get the booth we sat at on that night. Its as though we went back to where our journey began. Great suprise I must say. He is a gem and I am so thankful for him. He knew this day would be difficult, but as always he tries to make the best of it.

I have to say that throughout the day I have thought a lot about the last 8 months. That one year ago I was doing a garage sale. I didn't get rid of all the baby clothes because we were trying to have another baby. I found out just a few weeks later I was expecting Larson. During the last months I have really been pressed in many different ways. Most importantly spiritually. But in a good way!

As much as this has all hurt so much, I know I wouldn't change it. I would not be the mom, wife, friend, sister, daughter if Larson was not here. If I choose my path in life, it would be one of comfort with not a lot of hardships. Who wants to suffer? Who wants trials? Yet I know, I would not have this desire to know my Heavenly Father more intimately without this hard season of life. I know that in the last few weeks as I continue to try to grasp my new reality, that God is saying to me..."My Child, just trust me. What comes into your life may not be what you had wanted but as your Father I know what is best for you. Someday you will understand why, but for now...just trust me." I have had to be very intentional to lay my burdens, cares and worries at His feet CONTINUALLY throughout the day. I can not say that I have this down yet, but I want so badly to cling to Him with all my heart, soul, mind and strength. I know this is a daily choice, often a hourly choice and yet I know this is exactly what I want and what He is calling me to. I am only asked to do TODAY. For I know that I have NO idea what tomorrow has for me.

My journey as a believer in Jesus began just 11 years ago, and I can say that this part of the journey He is taking me on is challenging, often scary, but also real. I know He is walking with me just has He has promised. So as I walk into this next year of my life, I walk into it different. A different person. I hope one that has more understanding of my Heavenly Father and yet there is more He will reveal to me. I walk knowing I have no control over my future. I must rest knowing that only one does know the future. May this year be one of continually trusting Him and Him only.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

I love you, Corie. You are an amazing person... your blog is a testament to that. I know it was a tough day for you and I am glad to hear that your sweet husband took you on a very thoughtful date. Please give him a big hug from all of us. And please know that we are thinking of you all the time.

Much love, my friend.
Angela Nicole

boltefamily said...

Happy Birthday Corie! (a day late) Thank God for amazing husbands! Our anniversary was yesterday! It is so hard to celebrate all of these markers knowing that you had desperately hoped to be snuggling your baby as you celebrated. I am so sorry that Larson isn't with you. I wish there was something I could say to take away the pain but we both know that isn't the case. Please just know I am loving you and praying for you!

Love,
Kristy

Laura said...

You made it through the day and did it well....just like you have done each day. You are so precious....I am thankful for you!xoxo

Laurie said...

Sweet Corie,

Larson did change your life, giving you new hope and courage to walk into this next year of your life here with hope and so much wisdom. He has taught you who you are in such a deeper way. God bless your sweet husband for making your birthday a special one. A good husband is such a gift from God, just as babies are. I am thankful that through the pain and the heartbreak, your day was special. You are special and loved.

Laurie in Ca.

Carlton and Aimee Weathers said...

Corie,
My sweet friend, sorry this is 2 days late. I have been a little "under the weather". Happy Birthday! Don't be sad. Pooey on Advanced Maternal Age. We know it has nothing to do with that! We have been chosen especially by our Heavenly Father! Please hurry and get your plane ticket. I am waiting on you.

Anonymous said...

Happy Belated Birthday! I agree with Aimee -- whose says 35 is advanced? I think about Sarah in the Old Testament.. By the way, I've had a thyroid condition for 25 yrs. now. It's actually a blessing you found out. The correction of the problem is very simple, and you'll find that you feel better in alot of different ways. You're in such a beautiful place spiritually. Thank you for sharing your heart. I always gain wisdom and inspiration from reading your blog.

Love you,
Lisa