Thursday, May 22, 2008

Trying to Make Sense of it all

I sit down today so heavy hearted trying to grasp the reality of all that is going on around me...

Today we celebrated the my sweet Lukes kindergarten graduation. A day certainly to be celebrated. As I sat and watched him up on the stage, tears fell from my eyes. Why? I should have a smile on my face. Today was bittersweet. I had the joy of watching him sing songs and smile, while in my heart I wished I had my 4 month old baby sitting on my lap. Today is the 22nd and so a day I would be counting the months of my baby. I will never be able to watch Larson graduate on from kindergarten, never help him with a skinned knee or have a hand print project that I would store away to show him as he walks the aisle for his high school graduation.

But today I was reminded, there is no guarantee for anyother day with my other children either. As I woke up this morning a friend text me telling me of another tragedy. The Steven Curtis Chapman family had just lost their 5 year old daughter in a tragic accident last night. We met him back in February, a month after Larson died. We had a chance to thank him for his music that ministered to us so mightily during our difficult time. We shared with him the great songs we used at the memorial service. With genuine compassion and tears in his eyes, he cried with us and told us how hard it has been to see close friends lose children. Never would he have thought that in just 3 short months he would be faced with this same daunting task. My heart breaks for them. As a parent you never want to be faced with something so final.

On another sad note, yesterday my grandfather passed away at the age of 85 from a long battle with cancer. We will be going to his funeral tomorrow. This has brought back so many thoughts of our last moments with Larson. The planning of a funeral is so much to bear. My grandfather had been sick for awhile and so really we were waiting for him to pass. Just like Larson, we knew there was nothing we could do. No matter what, whether 85 years after cancer or 23 hours from a fatal disorder, waiting just seems surreal. How do you sit and just wait?

All of these situations have made me try to make sense of things so hard to make sense of. God is clear in His word that our days are numbered. In Matthew 10:30 Jesus is reminds us to trust Him. Jesus says, "But the very hairs of your head are all numbered." Even when we know death is near, we don't know the exact moment just that it is coming. Only God knows our days. Yet the Chapman family did not have a fatal diagnosis. They were not expecting to be planning a funeral this weekend for their 5 year old daughter. Their plan was to be celebrating a sons graduation and daughters engagement. Life can change in just an instant. Their lives will NEVER be the same. They will be better but it will be because of much heartache.

This blog seems to be rambling just as my thougthts are. As I laid down to rest from emotional exhaustion today, I sat and thought of so many who have lost a loved one or whose lives unexpectedly changed in a matter of a moment.
--A friend who lost her father at the age of 55 from a short battle with cancer and a mother who was 52 along with a brother who was 19 from a tragic car accident all in 9 months.
--A friend who had 9 minutes with their new baby.
--A friend who had less then an hour with their new baby.
--A friend whose mom was 52 and passed away just 14 days after getting a diagnosis of cancer.
--My grandfather at the age of 86.
--A friend who was expecting a sweet baby girl never expecting to be carry for a severely handicapped child.
--A dear lady who lost her husband after 55 years of marriage.
Some knew in utero they would have to say good-bye, some didn't know what was coming and some had a short amount of time after a cancer diagnosis. None of us know the exact moment of death or what our lives have in store for us. At any time the direction can turn like the wild currents of the ocean. We can never predict our future or our moments to moments.

I guess all I can say as I write all these words, is in the end it won't always make sense to us. It will never make sense to me and so I go back to what I know I can forever cling to, and someone I can always count on....To trust completely in Jesus Christ and His promise of eternity in Heaven with Him for whomever believes in Him.

I can not fathom the grief God had when He knew the only way to save His children from sin was to give up His only Son as the ultimate sacrifice for the redemption of our sins. Gods plan was not death, but when sin entered the world there in lied the birth of death.

So at the end of the day as I try to figure this all out. Where do I go? The same place I went before Larson and the same place I will always go? Straight to Jesus. He promises..."Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." Matthew 11:28

I can say that through this storm, Yes I will praise Him, Yes I will love Him and Yes I will hold tight to Him. There is nothing else to hold on to but Gods promises.

I lift my eyes up
up to the Heavens
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from you,
Maker of Heaven
Creator of the Earth.

Please pray for the Chapman family this weekend and for the many days ahead as they will be burying their precious daughter and try to figure out what life is without her here.
I also ask for pray for my family for strength as we bury another.
This is a tough time, but I know my God is with me.


Laurie said...


I am so sorry for you and the loss of your Grandfather. There is just no preparation for the breaking of the heart. I don't know how anyone is able to sit and just wait. Impossible really without Jesus, our Hope. I am praying for your family as you attend your grandfather's service today and try to make sense of all that has happened. I pray His complete peace all over you today and the days ahead. My heart is heavy for you today. Praying for you sweet friend. The picture of your kids is so precious. God bless you and see you through today.

Love and Hugs, Laurie in Ca.

Tamara said...

Corie, there is no rambling like the rambling of a broken heart... This all make perfect sense! Thank you for sharing, being transparent so that we can understand your walk a bit more. I am so proud of you and where you continually desire stand in this storm... at the feet of Jesus! And whether you are upright praising Him or on your knees seeking, or face down lying in a ball in sheer exhaustion and pain... you choose to be there at His feet! (John 6:67)

What a testimony you are and you continue to be to so many... Your Faith Alone In Christ Astounds Me... You Are A Strong Oak Standing Firm In The Midst Of A Raging Storm... I so admire you and am so encouraged by you and love you more than words can express!

My sweet friend you are such a treasure to me! You will be in my thoughts and prayers all day especially today as it is also Larsons anniversary and we will love on him and your sweet family through prayer! Tam

Carlton and Aimee Weathers said...

Corie, what a beautiful post. Your words are so true, we just don't know what life has in store for us. My heart is breaking right now for the Chapman family, especially Mary Beth. You and I both know her pain, and how she will never be "normal" again. But, we are changed, by the grace of God. And although it hurts, we are changed for the better. We have been faithful and have allowed ourselves to be displays of God's glory. To God be the Glory!

boltefamily said...

It is funny sometimes when I think about the fact that I have many "internet friends". That is not something I would ever have imagined, but I must say I am so thankful that I have found a few. Sometimes reading your blog is like you are writing my thoughts. I have had a really tough week this week trying to make sense of life and I just want to thank you for sharing your heart and helping me to feel less alone. I wish I had answers, but you are right, God is with us! Praying for you and your family!

Much love,

Kirsten said...

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your grandfather. No matter how many minutes or years we have with those we love - we always wish we could have had more. I pray that today will be a special day as you remember him and honor his life.

We are blessed to have so many to love, so many dear ones who have touched our lives. And thankfully God comforts us when their time here is over.

You will be in my prayers today.


Pipsylou said...

I'm right there with you.

Kenzie said...


Thank you so much for your prayers for us today, as I was also praying for y'all and thinking heavily about you yesterday. These days seem to come and go and no one anymore takes notice except us mommies who have been through it. I am so thankful for each of the girls I have come to know through this journey... thank you for all that you. Your heart is beautiful as you continue to walk this road!

Love lots and praying,

Chrissy said...

Thinking of you yesterday and today. Praying for your heart. Lots of love and prayers being sent your way at this difficult time. Love, Chrissy

boltefamily said...

Just wanted you to know I have been thinking of you today as always!

Much love,

Laura said...

Sweet friend....there are no words.

Laurie said...

Hi Corie,

I am thinking about you this Sunday afternoon, praying that your past few days were blessed with grace. I continue to pray that God honors your faithfulness with His grace, mercy, love and joy. My heart is heavy for your losses. May He continue to lift you up.

Love, Laurie in Ca.

boltefamily said...

Thinking of you!

Laurie said...

Thinking about you today Corie and praying for your heart to be comforted by the One who holds you so close. May His joy fill your heart today.

Love, Laurie in Ca.

Martha said...

{{{{{{{{O'Brien Family}}}}}}}} What a precious post and a precious faith. I am so sorry for your losses.

Laurie said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CORIE. I pray that it is a blessed one, even if bittersweet. You are loved by many and by the Lord. He cherishes you in His heart. Keep going straight to Him, He is waiting to bring you through, one moment at a time. My heart is with you today.

Love, Laurie in Ca.

Tamara said...

happy birthday to you... happy birthday to you... happy birthday dear Corie, happy birthday to yoUUUUUUUU! Love you a ton girly! Tam