Trying to Make Sense of it all

I sit down today so heavy hearted trying to grasp the reality of all that is going on around me...

Today we celebrated the my sweet Lukes kindergarten graduation. A day certainly to be celebrated. As I sat and watched him up on the stage, tears fell from my eyes. Why? I should have a smile on my face. Today was bittersweet. I had the joy of watching him sing songs and smile, while in my heart I wished I had my 4 month old baby sitting on my lap. Today is the 22nd and so a day I would be counting the months of my baby. I will never be able to watch Larson graduate on from kindergarten, never help him with a skinned knee or have a hand print project that I would store away to show him as he walks the aisle for his high school graduation.

But today I was reminded, there is no guarantee for anyother day with my other children either. As I woke up this morning a friend text me telling me of another tragedy. The Steven Curtis Chapman family had just lost their 5 year old daughter in a tragic accident last night. We met him back in February, a month after Larson died. We had a chance to thank him for his music that ministered to us so mightily during our difficult time. We shared with him the great songs we used at the memorial service. With genuine compassion and tears in his eyes, he cried with us and told us how hard it has been to see close friends lose children. Never would he have thought that in just 3 short months he would be faced with this same daunting task. My heart breaks for them. As a parent you never want to be faced with something so final.

On another sad note, yesterday my grandfather passed away at the age of 85 from a long battle with cancer. We will be going to his funeral tomorrow. This has brought back so many thoughts of our last moments with Larson. The planning of a funeral is so much to bear. My grandfather had been sick for awhile and so really we were waiting for him to pass. Just like Larson, we knew there was nothing we could do. No matter what, whether 85 years after cancer or 23 hours from a fatal disorder, waiting just seems surreal. How do you sit and just wait?

All of these situations have made me try to make sense of things so hard to make sense of. God is clear in His word that our days are numbered. In Matthew 10:30 Jesus is reminds us to trust Him. Jesus says, "But the very hairs of your head are all numbered." Even when we know death is near, we don't know the exact moment just that it is coming. Only God knows our days. Yet the Chapman family did not have a fatal diagnosis. They were not expecting to be planning a funeral this weekend for their 5 year old daughter. Their plan was to be celebrating a sons graduation and daughters engagement. Life can change in just an instant. Their lives will NEVER be the same. They will be better but it will be because of much heartache.

This blog seems to be rambling just as my thougthts are. As I laid down to rest from emotional exhaustion today, I sat and thought of so many who have lost a loved one or whose lives unexpectedly changed in a matter of a moment.
--A friend who lost her father at the age of 55 from a short battle with cancer and a mother who was 52 along with a brother who was 19 from a tragic car accident all in 9 months.
--A friend who had 9 minutes with their new baby.
--A friend who had less then an hour with their new baby.
--A friend whose mom was 52 and passed away just 14 days after getting a diagnosis of cancer.
--My grandfather at the age of 86.
--A friend who was expecting a sweet baby girl never expecting to be carry for a severely handicapped child.
--A dear lady who lost her husband after 55 years of marriage.
Some knew in utero they would have to say good-bye, some didn't know what was coming and some had a short amount of time after a cancer diagnosis. None of us know the exact moment of death or what our lives have in store for us. At any time the direction can turn like the wild currents of the ocean. We can never predict our future or our moments to moments.

I guess all I can say as I write all these words, is in the end it won't always make sense to us. It will never make sense to me and so I go back to what I know I can forever cling to, and someone I can always count on....To trust completely in Jesus Christ and His promise of eternity in Heaven with Him for whomever believes in Him.

I can not fathom the grief God had when He knew the only way to save His children from sin was to give up His only Son as the ultimate sacrifice for the redemption of our sins. Gods plan was not death, but when sin entered the world there in lied the birth of death.

So at the end of the day as I try to figure this all out. Where do I go? The same place I went before Larson and the same place I will always go? Straight to Jesus. He promises..."Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." Matthew 11:28

I can say that through this storm, Yes I will praise Him, Yes I will love Him and Yes I will hold tight to Him. There is nothing else to hold on to but Gods promises.

I lift my eyes up
up to the Heavens
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from you,
Maker of Heaven
Creator of the Earth.

Please pray for the Chapman family this weekend and for the many days ahead as they will be burying their precious daughter and try to figure out what life is without her here.
I also ask for pray for my family for strength as we bury another.
This is a tough time, but I know my God is with me.