Wednesday, May 7, 2008

The Roller Coaster of Grief

I have decided that I am on the roller coaster of grief. Just when I feel like I have gone a whole day without crying, my emotions go down to sadness. Even in a matter of minutes. The last week has been a difficult one. My grandfather is in hospice care and could die any day. It is a surreal feeling to go to his hospital room and just sit and watch him. It brings me back to January 22nd when Larson was born. We laid with him, snuggled him and watched...and waited. We knew there was nothing we could do to change the situation. No one could give him a brain. It was only a matter of time that his body would eventually shut down. As we explained to our children...Larson did not have his control center. Without a brain you can not function. My children know more about the human body then I did at their age.

As mothers day approaches, I feel somewhat anxious. What am I going to do this mothers day. I can't do the same thing...things just are not the same. God has given me 5 beautiful children, but one is not here to celebrate with. I do know he is having the best celebration possible with Jesus.

As we got in our car tonight after being with some friends my children were discussing where Larson would be sitting in the car. How their seats would be rearranged. But that is not how it is. Luke told Emma.."Larson is Gods baby now", and Emma said.."No Luke, Larson is still our baby he is just with Jesus now". How how much their little minds have had to process. Trying to understand it all as I am too. I am sure they wonder how to be sad. Do you show your sadness for everyone to see, or do you try to tuck it away for some other day when you feel safe to share it? I don't have the answers for them. Even my children have to grieve in a way that is best for them. Whether that means talking, writing, drawing or even crying. We are all trying to get through the days. My children know that Larson will be missing on Mothers Day as he will for every other holiday. Just another step in this process!!

I have to say there are times when I just don't want to do this at all. I wonder why grief has to be so hard. Why do I have to feel so different? Who was I 6 months ago? Why can't I be the same person? How can I possibly be the same happy again? How can I go from smiling to crying in a matter of minutes? And then I know in my head that I don't want to be the same. I want to embrace what the Lord is doing in my life. I want to remind myself that God chose our family to have Larson for a time. He was a special gift that not everyone gets to experience. Having Larson was a blessing. I wish I could have had him his whole life, but if I only get 23 hours...Well then I would do it again just to meet my son.

Larson....You are our son, our brother, our friend. We miss you so much. Thank you God for letting me be the one who gets to be Larsons mommy. I am thankful and will be forever blessed by him.


The Beidle Family said...

Corie, Mother's Day is not going to be the same for you but I want you to know that you have been an incredible mommy to all your kids. You have given Larson so carried him in your womb with allowed him to have a breath of this world. So many people would have done away with it to make it easy on themselves but you and Steve gave him life! You choose the harder path knowing and trusting that God was going to care for him every moment. I am sure you will be reflecting on those 23 hours...his smell, his skin, your hands touching his sweet face..the songs you sang to him and the silent moments of just holding him tight before knowing you would have to let go. That to me is a mommy! I pray you can celebrate this Mother's Day knowing you gave Larson every moment that you could give...and you released him out of your hands to the arms of Jesus.
Happy Mother's Day! We Love you.

Anonymous said...

Momma, I love you more than you can ever imagine! Thank you for cherishing my life enough to carry me through those 9 months! Thank you for holding me and singing to me... Your sweet kisses I can still feel. Your heart beat was a comfort inside and outside my hiding place... it was in your arms that I felt so loved and secure on earth... You gave me life, 9 months and 23 hours and I look forward to one day running into your arms when we meet again in the presence of our Heavenly Father, I love you momma, I love you, I love you, and I want to wish you the sweetest Mother's Day, because you mamma are so worthy! Your baby boy Larson Shawn

Laurie said...

My prayers are with you as you walk this road of grief and missing Larson. What a beautiful picture of the two of you. I wish I had words that would bring you comfort in this time of watching your grandfather in such a fragile time of his life, and missing the baby you just let go of. I will be praying for you and hope that somehow, your Mother's Day this Sunday will have special treasures and joy for you. Just being the mother you are to all of your children makes you so special on this special day.

Love, Laurie in Ca.

Laura said...

You are an amazing all 5 of your babies. You love so well Corie. Praying you are able to have a smooth ride on Mother's Day as you replay all the tapes in your head of your moments with Larson as well as the sweet laughs of your kids who are here now. You are a treasure Corie. I love you.

boltefamily said...

Mothers Day is a day I dread. I know often times the anticipation of the day is worse than the actual day but I wish I could just beam myself up to the moon for the day. I love my two boys who are here with me and am so thankful to be a mother, but it is hard to celebrate a day for moms when you do not have all of your children with you. I often think about how all of my emotions contradict eachother and wonder when my family will admit me or shall I say commit me to the mental hospital. :-) Seriously though this is so normal. I am riding that same roller coaster. It is a wild ride and some days I wonder why God chose me, but i am so glad he did. It is so evident why God chose you to be Larson's mommy!

I am so glad your kids are talking about him. I know that is one of the most refreshing thing, when Luke talks about his brothers in Heaven. Anyhow, I am praying for you, please know you are not alone on this ride!


Kristy said...

Corie~ when I received your letter last week I immediately went to this blog. I must tell you that you have once again amazed me with your strength, love and your faith. I am so sorry for your loss of baby Larson. I was very moved by your words throughout the blog. As I cried for you, I also knew that you had given me the most powerful way to help my mourning patients with their loss. In my 10 years of Labor & Delivery nursing I have cared for too many parents facing the same devastation you & Steve have. These are the patients that you remember forever. Just this week I had a young couple (mine & Dan's age 34) who lost twin boys at 23 weeks gestation. It was their third attempt at IVF. As I cried with her & her husband about how empty she already felt & how the twin boys never were able to open their eyes and see the love she & her husband had for them, i remember the most amazing insight you shared. I told her about Larson & although his life was too short, that you were able to see his life as being perfect. He never felt pain, never experienced sadness, illness or rejection. Now my patients might find strength in your words to deal with their loss.

In the ten years I have cared for parents who experience the loss of their babies I have never had such insight Corie. Your faith in the Lord and the strength he has given you continues to amaze me. I know only someone who has complete faith in the Lord and in his plan for our lives could find a moment of light in such a dark time. I hope it is okay with you that I use your profound insight & strength with my patients. I have yet to sleep one full night since Tuesday. The pain this couple experienced was more than I had experienced since the last twin demise I cared for in Colorado. It was a night that still haunts me & was why I decided to travel to San Francisco. I was not sure I was capable of letting myself feel that pain for a patient and her lost babies ever again. Your words and thoughts have provided me with the strength I needed to support my patients emotionally as I can during these deliveries.

Corie, your children are so blessed to have you as their mommy. And Larson is blessed to have you see his life as you do. Although the pain and loss you feel by not having him here with you is beyond words, he did have 23 wonderful hours with amazing parents. And he would be so proud knowing your experience has inspired others and enabled me to be emotionally available again to my patients suffering loss. That is what a mother does Corie. Protect, love, encourage and inspire. You were that and more to Larson, and continue to be that to your older children. What an amazing way to live Corie. You live and act according to your beliefs & that is one of the most honorable traits to parent by.

I know this Mother’s Day will be hard Corie. But you can feel confident that you are one of the most amazing women I know, and an even better mother & wife. You continue to inspire me Corie. My thoughts and prayers are with you, Steve and your family. Thank you for sharing your feelings with me. I am moved, honored and blessed to have you in my life. I just wish San Francisco was a bit closer to Colorado.

Kristy (White) Hauenstein

Carlton and Aimee Weathers said...

What a wonderful and insightful post. Thank you for continuing to be transparent. I am glad to have you to walk this road with. Isn't God amazing that he brought two people 1000 miles a part together....and it was like we had known each other for years. He is good.

Emily said...

I'm blessed by him - and you - too. :)

Kirsten said...

Thank you for being so transparent on your blog. It helps me process the feelings that keep coming up for me. We lost our baby on April 19 and my mind and world is a blur most of the time. Reading the blogs has been a source of strength for me. I don't feel so alone. Thank you. You are one of the women I referred to on my blog who provided me strength today.

God bless you,