Sunday, January 11, 2009

This Road...

Well we are about to hit the 1st birthday and with this so many thought of our journey this far. Its hard to believe that just one year ago I still had my Larson nestled in my womb. Many uncertainties of what was to come. We celebrated Emmas birthday and tried to embrace everyday we had.

Ill be honest...that was hard. Praising God for the days we had with him and preparing the days ahead without him. After 4 pregnancies...I never had to do that. My miscarriages for sure jolted me. The first 4 pregnancies went without a hitch. I reached each "milestone" and certainly felt "safe". 12 weeks meant no miscarriage...quad screen meant everything was ok and off we went. I lost my 2 babies after this at around 8 weeks. I cried for the loss of our children...but was left with little else. No reason for why they had to die, but for some reason there was a peace about it.

Along comes Larson...Got pregnant but seemed a long time (for us anyway!...but instantly had a feeling something was wrong. Made it past 12 weeks...I was still worried. Got the quad screen result back as great...still worried.

And then the "routine" ultrasound. Never would I imagine that on October 2nd at 9:00am in the same room... with the same tech with my other children.. that I would find out that my child in the womb would not make it home. I never thought this way. Always felt that once a pink line and all the other milestones that I would be just fine.

I never thought my life would or could change in an instant! But it has..and I am still standing. I don't see myself as stronger. My strength can only come from my faith in Christ and His emence amount of Grace. If someone had told me that I would be burying one of my children. I would have never believed them. I would never have thought I could make it through. But thankfully God doesn't allow me to see everything in life. At times I think that would be nice, but in my sane times I know that I would not be able to handle that.

So where am I at just 1 year later? I still have many ups and downs. Still many tears. I would be lying if I didn't tell you that I miss him. My family misses him. I wonder often what 2009 will bring to our family. I am not clinging onto health or the promise of tomorrow. No I am not a negative person...maybe just a realist. I have been 1 in 40,000. Yes nothing to go off of. Larson was a 13th gene deletion with HPE alobar and most likely a heart and/or lung defect. Certainly could not find his diagnosis on google. I lost 2 other children before him. We really did think we would have a new baby. That God would certeinly not 3 children in a row. But He his...and He is good!

So could this year have many joys? Yes. But I know God will define those joys and its not what I thought were joys before October of 2007. I know that God does not promise tomorrow. He doesn't owe me another child or a house or a job or a car! No...Gods promise is in His son. Not my son...His Son and that is certainly enough to be thankful for.

This year has taught me, and my son, has taught me much...

My new normal...
new joys
new hopes
new tears
new laughters
new loves
new friends
new desires
new dreams
new promises
new perspectives
new expectations
new thoughts
new depths
new challenges

I am still learning who I am as a Child of God. I know that He will continue to be patient with me as He molds me exactly how He desires. I pray that I will be willing and that it won't hurt as bad...but if it does, I know He will be there right by my side.


kristy said...

Praying for you Corie as Larson's birthdate approaches. I love you girl! We should talk soon!

Laura said...

The newness is good...I am proud of you. This is a hard journey...proud of the way you have embraced each moment. Keep walking...I am cheering you on. Love you.

Suzie said...

very well put Corie. I am praying for you. Larson is missed by so many. Comfort to you as I know just how hard these days are.

Kirsten said...

Hugs and love to you. It is amazing how much power the calendar seems to have over us right now.

He does make all things new. Praying for you as you remember Larson.