Angels Wish

I LOVE this song...This man writes incredible songs and to think so many were BEFORE Miss Marias home calling! The songs only get better! What a gift God has given him. Listen to the words...Wow!




Was God smiling when He spoke the word and made the world?
And did He cry about the flood?
What does God's voice sound like when He sings, when He's angry?
These are just a few things that the angels have on me

Well, I can't fly at least not yet
I've got no halo on my head
And I can't even start to picture heaven's beauty
But I've been shown the Savior's love
The Grace of God has raised me up
To show me things the angels long to look into
And I know things the Angels only wish they knew

I have seen the dark and desperate place where sin will take you
I've felt loneliness and shame
And I have watched the blinding light of grace
Come breaking through with a sweetness only tasted
By the forgiven and redeemed

And someday I'll sit down with my angel friends
Up in heaven
And they'll tell me about Creation
And I'll tell them a story of Grace

Well, I can't fly at least not yet
I've got no halo on my head
And I can't even start to picture heaven's beauty
But I've been shown a Savior's love
The Grace of God has raised me up
To show me things the angels long to look into
And I know things the Angels only wish they knew

Balancing Act

I find myself trying to balance myself between enjoying my children and missing Larson. Yes...I still do!! I often wonder what things will look like in a year and then I remind myself only God knows.

I should probably have learned this by now, but my personality has always leaned on being more anxious for tomorrow and so it will continue to be something I will battle until I am HOME!

My days seem brighter, and I am able to take more breaths. These last 3 years have been full of anticipation, "plans" and disappointments. I often wonder if I will see restoration and in what way. I certainly find times that I do feel God is doing just that. Restoring my joy, my trust, by peace and my life. Its not in the way I would have thought or maybe even hoped for, but that's how this journey all began right?...

Desiring to add to my family... only for the very thing I wanted to be taken. Hopes dashed...Yet a story so perfectly and lovingly written by my Lord. Not the script I would have chosen to be a character in, but trusting in the God who works all things for good. Trusting He knows the beginning and the end and that He makes NO mistakes...even what is His good hurts so bad!

So I will continue to strive to balance my "new" life. Embracing what is new and letting go of the old. He makes all things new...NOT He makes all things what they used to be. Thankful for change!

Thankful for a God who is continuing to gently show me HIS goodness..not mine, HIS story...not mine and HIS promises...not mine.

Blessed by God....that He would walk with me even when I ask the same 'ol questions time and time again.

I have begun to stay balanced more...but I still have my times that I fall off the beam.....But grateful He is there even in those times.

Compassion!

I have probably not mentioned this blog very often, but I know there are many who have already read her story. She had a daughter 3 months after Larson was born...who had a fatal condition that was diagnosed at 20 weeks...and died after a beautiful 2 hours. If you haven't read her ....I encourage you to do so. She is honest, frank and LOVES the Lord!

Right now...she is overseas on a Compassion International trip with several other people...Compassion International is an AMAZING organization....This is the description from their website!

Compassion International is one of the nation's largest Christian child sponsorship organizations, working with more than 65 denominations and thousands of indigenous church partners in Africa, Asia, Central and South America, and the Caribbean. Since 1952, Compassion's revolutionary approach, through one-to-one Christian child sponsorship, has touched the lives of more than 1.8 million children. Compassion has been recognized for its financial integrity with top ratings and recommendations by several "watchdog" organizations. Sponsor a child in need today.

After reading about them...I decided to also look up the work Compassion in the Websters Dictionary. This is no ordinary dictionary....This is our AMERICAN DICTIONARY!!
It very simple yet directly states that Compassion means:

sympathetic consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it

I had to ask myself..as an American, a child of God...what am I doing to be conscious of others' distress and how am I helping to alleviate it? God says in his word;
Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. -James 1:27

Compassion International in no way takes away all of my responsibility, I know there are many other ways to help these children around the world. But honestly....what is $32 dollars in many of our pockets..
A month without Starbucks?
Not going to a movie?
Not getting that extra pedicure?
Not going out to eat as much?
Budgeting $32 less in groceries?
Not going to Red Robin!!!


I know my children can learn alot from saving their own money...maybe not all of it yet...and then gifting it to someone else. So can we as adults. So I just felt compelled to write this on my blog. Check out the site....I hope you will be as moved as I am. If you can't "adopt" a child now, or maybe you can only do one, or maybe you can have a friend join in, maybe you can in the future...

I ask...What can i do? What can you do? to help the WORLDS children?

Saying good-bye to my sweet Larson long before I wanted too, has led me to see things much differently then before. For this I am SO THANKFUL that God picked this story for me. Now..I am no saint forsure. I have not somehow achieved something great, but I am thankful that some of my ignorance from before has changed to the realization that there is much more going on in the world around me. Maybe it was not ignorance, but since it wasn't affecting me directly it was easier to ignore.

What saddenes me the most is many of these children are without parents, and if they have parents, they are still unable to have food on the table and a descent education...let alone being able to enjoy the things that we do on a daily basis. How heart wrenching it is to know that there are SO many orphanes and it takes just $32 to help 1! I can't imagine not having food for my children and yet my children get to go to Red Robin...MUCH TO OFTEN! That is humbling to just write down in words. Yes...we see these children on the news in a 1 minute segment at most. Their life is more then a second. It is filled with heartache. There is SO much pain and suffering. And though I tasted a bit of it myself....I know that there are many more enduring hardships on a daily basis. Lets just say...God used my sweet boy to get my head out of my "dream world" with my perfect plan and has taken me to a reality of the pain of this world. This is not our home...it hurts...others hurt....What can we do to help?

Thanks for your eyes and ears!! I apoligize for any ramblings...hope it all makes sense. It does me!!!

I Will Rise

2 Corinthians 4:17-18
For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Celebrating Christ

Lots of thoughts as we celebrate this weekend the death and resurrection of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. How can I not think about the death of the one who came to die for my sin and for all of those who come to Him.

How often I think of Christ. Of course I celebrated before, but it has changed in the last year. I am not going to claim I fully understand the depth of Christs grief and sorrows as He walked to the Garden of Gethsemane. For He knew His death would be painful and yet He knew it would be with a purpose. He knew everything from beginning to end. He was fully God...yet fully Man. He had emotions like we do and yet they were perfect.

I can't help to think of Gods grief for His Son as we celebrate this weekend. For God so love the world that He GAVE His is ONLY Son that whoever believes in Him SHOULD NOT perish but have eternal life. John 3:16 Yes...God GAVE His ONLY Son. Wow. That just makes me amazed. He was willing to give up His beloved for the sin of the world. He was willing to put the perfect Christ on the cross to pay for all our imperfections.

I know I will not fully grasp this, this side of Heaven, but I had to give my own son, and it has grieved me immensely. Yet I know that Larsons life was perfect, his death could not have been sweeter and now he is with the Lord because of what Christ did. Yes Larson is in Heaven because of the same reason I will be in Heaven. Because of the sacrifice of Christ for our sin. God was merciful to give Larson a sweet life. God was willing to give His Son...let Him go through a horrible death for us.

I think of asking God to take the cup from us. To heal Larson and to take away the trial. But we also prayed that His will be done. Wow does that prayer mean so much more. Christ said the same thing. He asked His own Father in Heaven to take the cup from Him...take the cross away or let His will be done. Christ was willing to die for us. If God can let His own Son die for us...How much more should I trust God in the story He has created for me? I know with all my heart that through the heartache...that this story is perfect and will continue to be. It's perfectly written, with heartache and all! Yes this is love. Because the greatest gift still remains...the gift of Christ.

So as I celebrate Christ...I think of my joy in Him as my Saviour and yet my grief in my sin that He would die for. Yes the cross was perfect. There was joy...and there was grief. I believe I have felt my own joy and grief collide in my story with Larson and yet I can look to the Cross and see that joy and grief can collide and it is good and it is what God intended.

May you all have a blessed resurrection day!

Nighttime thoughts

Well its afternoon as I write this!, so I guess kind of a weird title, but it is in the night that I start thinking. Since starting this new journey of my life, the night has always been the hardest time. The house is quite, my sweet children are no longer fighting! and look so incredibly peaceful off into their own precious dreams. Ok...they don't fight all the time...just often displaying sibling love in the many different ways. So the days are pretty busy...thankfully...and when I begin to rest my head on my pillow is when I begin to think...analyze...ponder...pray...fear...and the list goes on.

I do really think I have turned the corner in this grief journey. No longer is the pain so intense and mostly when I think of this year...I look upon it with a smile. Yes..these smiles may be joined with a tear...but not so despairingly. I realize more and more each day that my lifes story is and will continue to unfold. It definitely doesn't look like I though nor hoped it would...but God is so faithful. I really hoped to be bouncing around with a toddler...but Im not.

I think when I lay my head down at night is when I begin to think about what I will continue to transform into. Ok...I know I am not a gorilla or that we come from them...but when accepting Christ as our Saviour I became a new creation. No longer wanting to please myself....but live to bring Glory to God. So this year I wonder...Have I brought Glory to God? Through all the tears and questions and thoughts. I can not completely with confidence say yes...but I do know that God will judge my heart. I am thankful that this walk does not rest in the hands of my friends...or my neighbors...or my family...or my blog readers...I mean that with the utmost respect. Because if I put out a survey on what people thought...I guarantee the responses would very.

Yes..I have been concerned about my response to all of this..my reactions..my fears and anxieties. But I come back to what a dear friend said to me.

We need to be more concerned about our CHARACTER before God,
Then our REPUTATION before man.

Seems easy right? Well when I sit down to think about it...it seems difficult. God is a good God, who has given me a perfect story and continues to write it. But He is the only one who can rightly judge me. Scary without Christ as my mediator. So I continue to desire to want to grow in my wisdom of Christ and also my character that would please Him. Good I only have to think about Him...because the rest gets overwhelming.

So my nighttime thoughts go to how I am sharing, looking and responding to this...to praying that God would keep me focus on Himself!

There are times I still dream about if I had Larson...or if we had another...or if we adopt, but then I realize, Why go there? Its not a story until God Himself reveals that. I continue to stare (yes I do) at pregnant women and newborns...and cute China girls, I have to remind myself....That is not my story, that is their story and it is perfect. No longer do this images hurt so much. Ive always loved to people watch.

Now I wonder if the pregnant women has a healthy baby or if she has lost a baby or if she has some other pain. And the China girls...what is their story and all the other "obvious" children who are adopted. There are others around me I would never now. Everyone has a story. Yes...there are some who still live in the American dream with their white picket fence, I did! But I don't miss it. I don't miss being comfortable in what was comfortable situations. I appreciate the work God is doing. I hope to think of others and their pains and not just try to get back to my "comfortable" life. Don't get me wrong....I have ALONG way to go. Thats the problem with this, as you grow in some things more sin is revealed. So I may be growing in Compassion, but sometimes I don't have patience for other things. There is always going to be contradictions in life. Doing better in this....not so good in that!

But I know that God is faithful and He declares and I am CONFIDENT that "he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6. Yes the getting to completion will sometimes be uncomfortable, unwanted, uneasy and ugly, but HE will complete it!

Thanks for reading...Random post from a random girl!

Praying for...

Another mommy to pray for and come along side of during this time of grief....
http://themiracleofmatthew.blogspot.com/
My heart always aches to know someone else has to let their baby go far to soon!