Faith!

Happy 11th Anniversary...heres to many more!!!

Id like to think that my faith is strong. I am not wanting to say it is weak for sure...but in this season of my life I can definitely say it has been tested, tried, refined and questioned.

Steve and I just celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary. A feat I can definitely say I am so very grateful for. A milestone i can say was not achieved on our own. Then who possibly got us here? What got us here? Yep...our faith! But faith in what?

Just last week I commented to Steve that the last 3 years have been some of the hardest. It is almost 3 years ago that our journey of loss began. Sure we have lost...great grandparents,aunts and uncles....Steve has more then I, but for Steve and I personally, it hit harder beginning in 2006. That is when our first baby was gone. We went in for our check up...and no heartbeat. Shock? yes! Sadness? yes...But I didn't feel complete despair. I had heard of early loss. I knew it was not completely uncommon.

So we continued on...hoping for the baby after our loss. Another O'Brien to raise. Another sibling for our children. Well...loss again. Another heartbeat gone to soon. We decided to try again. Yes...we had hope...we had faith that it would not end this way...or did we. I have been told that if I had more faith I would not have c-sections? So...if I had more faith...would my babies die? I'm not trying to be cynical...just questioning the advice of some!!

Did we have faith that God was in control of ALL things? What we mustard up as our story...or did we have faith that the story to come had already been written by the Creator who had already written the story this far? Is our faith in our faith....or is our faith in God?

Can I have enough faith to change the story God has written to a story I want? Can my faith change the outcome? Do I believe that God has written the story and will get me through ANYTHING...whether I see it as good or bad...! My faith Has to be in God...not myself...or my life would not turn out the way it has. I would be a superhero and change that for sure....but I definitely wouldn't be who I am today.

Well...I can say looking back..I had faith. I had faith that things would work out. But my faith was in the story and how I WANTED it to look. Others around me had lost a child early in their pregnancy and ALL yes ALL had s HEALTHY baby after. So certainly I would have that "rainbow baby" as well. Or would I?

So this is where I am at. My faith for sure has been tested. And now...my faith is being refined and redefined. No longer am I putting my faith in a story I have created, but I can not tell you it has been easy to put my faith in the story already written, but not yet seen. I trust in a God who has providentially given me life. Who has made me a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter. I have seen His hand in my life...but can I see His had in the dark times as well?

I am really speaking out loud in this blog the thing I have been pondering in my mind. I guess really being vulnerable and sharing things that I have wrestled with during the last few years.

The questions were few at the beginning, but have grown as our season continued down the road of loss. Now wondering which direction we are headed.

Currently I am enjoying my children...but still a piece of me continues to miss the toddler not here. I have been experiencing a GREAT deal of pain in my back and have been in physical therapy for 3 months now. I am going for an MRI and hoping for more clarity as to the direction of my pain management. It could be anything from a bulging disc..to a ruptured disc. I have pain constantly in my back radiating down my legs and into my calves. I don't share this for sympathy or for advice, but because it seems to be another hurdle for me. Can I trust Gods decision to take me down this path that has been hard...but bearable, often dark...but I know He is there. The pain is often frustrating and making it hard to enjoy normal daily activities. I love working out, but have not been able to for the last 3 months. I can't rely on that for my sanity...although I did. So once again I am back to trusting God in this story...or wanting to!

I have felt somewhat down at times...just wanting some relief, but seeking what that relief is. Is is from the pain of this world? I know we are all meant to suffer and by no means to I believe my story is terrible suffering. I have seen many suffer more. But I have also seen many rejoice in the hope and faith of new children and new beginnings. I am wondering what mine will be. I know it will be my own story. Written specifically for me. Hoping for something great...wondering what that is. And is great my idea of great or the great that God has decided will be great for me.

Do I trust in my own faith...in a story I have written? Or is my faith in a God who is far bigger and better and more in control then I could ever imagine myself to be? I know I trust God...I want to trust Him more...I want to have Faith in HIM more...I want to rest in Him more.

Praying for more faith!!!

The Dash

Last Friday we had my grandmas funeral. My mom was brave enough to speak and talked about the life she lived. She also shared this poem by Linda Ellis...You may have heard it but Id like to share it...

The Dash

I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend.
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
From the beginning to the end.

He noted that first came the date of her birth
And spoke of the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time
That she spent alive on earth
And now only those who loved her
Know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own,
The cars, the house, the cash,
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard;
Are there things you’d like to change?
For you never know how much time is left
That can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
To consider what’s true and real
And always try to understand
The way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger
And show appreciation more
And love the people in our lives
Like we’ve never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect
And more often wear a smile,
Remembering that this special dash
Might only last a little while.

So when your eulogy is being read
With your life’s actions to rehash
Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent your dash?

I sat there reflecting on "the dash". Mostly I have read stories about children who have gone to be with the Lord. Although their dash may not be in years....they still have a dash. Either between minutes or moments....days or weeks....months or years. No matter what...they have a dash. I am constantly reminded of the dash Larson had. From the 22nd-23rd...from 1 minute to 23 hours. Yes he lived for but a day and yet he did get a dash. That dash did much for me...my family...and those around me. And although the dash came to an end...his memory continues on.

As I remember my grandmother this week, I will also remember the dashes of so many others....Pearl, and Sophie Ann, and Issac, and Asher, and Noah, and Brinley, and Sydney, and Chloe....and the list goes on and on! I'll remember all their dashes and hope that as I continue my own life, that I will consider what will be in my dash. May it be filled with faithfulness to Christ and Him alone!

Saying Good-bye

Thanks for the prayers....my Bubie (yiddish for grandmother!) passed away tonight! Saying good-bye is not so fun...she would have been 90 on June 16th! She taught us much and she will be missed!

Please pray

This is Corie's friend Laura, I am hijacking her blog today! Today is Corie's Birthday and she is facing another difficult path on her journey. Her sweet grandma is in the hospital and is not expected to live through the week. Her grandma is a precious woman who has been the source of so much laughter for Corie and her family.

Will you pray for Corie, her grandma and the rest of their family? I am asking God to bring hope, comfort, peace and the assurance that He is near, even in the darkest hours. I know He will wrap His arms around each person in the family and has promised that He will never leave them. I want this truth to be so real to all who are there waiting at the hospital.

The past 18 months have been long and full of so many unexpected turns for this sweet family. I am so proud of Corie...she is a gift to so many and I count her as one of my greatest treasures. She is walking this journey so bravely, even in the moments when she would like to just sit down and not take one more step. I want her to know we are holding her arms up, just like Aaron and Hur, held up his arms during the battle. I know all of you love Corie and her family and will hold their arms up. Pray for strength as well as moments of laughter and true joy.

Thank you for praying and for loving this sweet family so well. They are so easy to love...

Sending love to your sweet family,
Laura and co


But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
Isaiah 40:31

When it stings...IT STINGS

Just a heads up...this could be a long post. Just writing down some of my feelings of today. It was a good day yet a rough day. A happy day yet sad day. This seems to be what life has for me now!! Let me explain.

I started my day with a fun trip to Casa Bonita with my sons first grade class. What could be more fun then spending quality time with my sweet boy. We traveled up with giggles and laughter in the back seat. What a beautiful picture from the rear view mirrow. A son gifted to me. Yes...my children are a gift and more precious to me then ever. I hope I don't hold to tightly to them...but I sure do love them.

Well this joyous moment took a swift turn after a phone call from my husband. He graciously wanted to make me aware about something concerning another son...the one that we only have a grave site for, whose home is not here, who I miss so much....

This may seem so little to some...but for me it was big. Our sons grave stone had broken. It was his temorary stone and we knew we would have to get his permenant one soon. The problem is...we have just not been ready to do this. ITS PERMENENT! You don't change it out like you do the season or your clothes. IT will be his marker forever. We want to make it perfect...whatever that is!

Well after my trip to Casa Bonita with a wonderful boy...I dropped him off at school and headed to the cemetary. Not exactly the place I wanted to be. There was a time I found peace there...but right now, it just hurts....it just stings. Why does that still hurt so bad? Will I ever fully embrace the heartache? I find that time does NOT heal...you just become accostumed to the pain and learn to live with it...you learn to carry the pain...not try to get rid of it...just carry it!

Any way...I get to the grave site and go to his grave...but there is NOTHING there. Not even the BROKEN TEMPORARY stone. Nope! GONE! You could say I was hysterical...maybe a little crazy. Yep...I DID lay on the grass and weep. For this is where Larson is and yet there was NO STONE! After pealing myself off the groud, I got in my car and headed to the office.

Not the place I wanted to be. The last time I was there was for Larson Visitation before his service and then to pick up his death certificate. Looks like a great building on the outside...but you walk in and it has death written all over. I was greeted by a nice women who gave me a bottled water with none other then a label that said.....OLINGER MORTUARTY!! Nice momento..you think? So as I sip my water I am taken to a room to wait for a counselor. I realized that is what they call the "sales" people!

While waiting for the couselor...I thought usually you would read something. NOt much reading material here, unless you want to read about buying a headstone. The walls...filled with pictures then none other then grave stones. So I imagined whose they were. One was a piano...seriously! One was a small building! Crazy to be in this room. I shouldn't be here! I didn't want to be here! Larson doesn't care about his headstone...but I DO! Its all I have. No 15 month old here! Just a grave site to take care of!

So long story...short! I was told I need to pick out his final head stone. We are working on that. We are praying about what would be best. Really wish I had my baby and not these decisons...but I don't and I know.

What I praise the Lord for is...In spite of the sting and the pain and the tears and the hurt...Christ is on His throne. Like I said...the pain doesn't go away. Its just gets easier to pick yourself up from. I wasn't down all day...just a few hours. Honestly...that is progress people!

So I headed to get my toes done...my mind together and then to go back to hug my W
WONDERFUL children. I know I have 5....I don't need everyone to know that anymore. I am getting used to the people who are uncomfortable around me....and so very thankful for my close friends who continue to walk with me through lifes highways and byways!

Angels Wish

I LOVE this song...This man writes incredible songs and to think so many were BEFORE Miss Marias home calling! The songs only get better! What a gift God has given him. Listen to the words...Wow!




Was God smiling when He spoke the word and made the world?
And did He cry about the flood?
What does God's voice sound like when He sings, when He's angry?
These are just a few things that the angels have on me

Well, I can't fly at least not yet
I've got no halo on my head
And I can't even start to picture heaven's beauty
But I've been shown the Savior's love
The Grace of God has raised me up
To show me things the angels long to look into
And I know things the Angels only wish they knew

I have seen the dark and desperate place where sin will take you
I've felt loneliness and shame
And I have watched the blinding light of grace
Come breaking through with a sweetness only tasted
By the forgiven and redeemed

And someday I'll sit down with my angel friends
Up in heaven
And they'll tell me about Creation
And I'll tell them a story of Grace

Well, I can't fly at least not yet
I've got no halo on my head
And I can't even start to picture heaven's beauty
But I've been shown a Savior's love
The Grace of God has raised me up
To show me things the angels long to look into
And I know things the Angels only wish they knew

Balancing Act

I find myself trying to balance myself between enjoying my children and missing Larson. Yes...I still do!! I often wonder what things will look like in a year and then I remind myself only God knows.

I should probably have learned this by now, but my personality has always leaned on being more anxious for tomorrow and so it will continue to be something I will battle until I am HOME!

My days seem brighter, and I am able to take more breaths. These last 3 years have been full of anticipation, "plans" and disappointments. I often wonder if I will see restoration and in what way. I certainly find times that I do feel God is doing just that. Restoring my joy, my trust, by peace and my life. Its not in the way I would have thought or maybe even hoped for, but that's how this journey all began right?...

Desiring to add to my family... only for the very thing I wanted to be taken. Hopes dashed...Yet a story so perfectly and lovingly written by my Lord. Not the script I would have chosen to be a character in, but trusting in the God who works all things for good. Trusting He knows the beginning and the end and that He makes NO mistakes...even what is His good hurts so bad!

So I will continue to strive to balance my "new" life. Embracing what is new and letting go of the old. He makes all things new...NOT He makes all things what they used to be. Thankful for change!

Thankful for a God who is continuing to gently show me HIS goodness..not mine, HIS story...not mine and HIS promises...not mine.

Blessed by God....that He would walk with me even when I ask the same 'ol questions time and time again.

I have begun to stay balanced more...but I still have my times that I fall off the beam.....But grateful He is there even in those times.