Please Pray!!

I am asking for prayer for a 6 year old girl who has been diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor. She has 6-9 weeks to live without radiation and if they do radiation 6-9 months. God knows the name and faces of this brave family. PLEASE pray for them. As many of you who read this blog...we have seen miracles in different ways, but I am praying for a miracle of healing. Its too much to think of another family having to say good-bye to soon. Christ asked for the His Father to "take this cup from Me"...he understands our desire for a different outcome. He asked for Gods "will to be done"....He understood Gods Sovereignty. PLEASE storm the gates friends!! For the cup to be taken or an eminence amount of GRACE to be given. My heart is breaking for them.

Another year approaching

Well I am coming up to the 2 year mark of Larsons diagnosis. October 2nd to be exact. I am not sure if D-day (which I call it) is the diagnosis day or death day. Really both things happened that day. Larson was diagnosed and due to the severity of his condition, our dreams of having our fifth child at home died. Yes....he was still alive, but only time would tell how long.

Really we were so blessed and quite surprised to have him for 23 hours due to the issues going on! No brain...fluid in the chest and yet God gave us 23 hours.

So I thought I would write how things are...2 years out from d-day and 21 months from his birthday!

The Colorado air has been a hard reminder of the season that is changing into Fall. I really love the beautiful Falls in Colorado, but the crisp air is now an eery reminder of the season...the day....that changed us forever. Somehow it is weird how smells can trigger a reminder, an emotion of good or bad times.

Right now my family and I are enjoying a beautiful vacation in Newport Beach. this all has been interesting as just 2 years ago...right before my ultrasound appointment...we took our family to Newport Beach. It was on this beach that i confessed to my friend that I was nervous about the baby. I was only 8 weeks, but already feeling that instinct that something was going to be wrong.

So I guess it is sort of interesting that we left the cool Fall smell in Colorado that reminds me of larson...to the beautiful beaches in California that hasn't taken Larson to far from my mind either. Not that I want him to be...but sometimes its the ache that I am having. It still comes but not as often. Mostly I feel so blessed to have had Larson for the time we did.

So here I am just 2 years later and I still have my moments. Moments of heartache that I had to bury my son and not have him here. my kids would love to have him on the beach or on their first day of school.

The aches certainly come, but God continues to be faithful in my heartache. He is faithful to bring me the right verse....the right friend...the right moments. At times I think I want the ache to go away entirely and at times I want it to stay to remember my son. I certainly know that God continues to navigate me through these thoughts and struggles. Letting go of grief has continued to be a daily choice for me...sometimes a moment choice...some days are harder then other, but I'm in the fight and my desire is to let that part go.

And even at that....I have to really pray and meditate on whether I am not letting go of grief or if this is just what it will be like. A constant battle of settling into Gods plan. Only God can reveal that through His Word. I know that it can not be compared to others grief...or their story...or their thoughts. Each person does this journey different.

I wish I could tell you I am healed from my loss. I really can't. The Potter has molded me and I am getting used to the new look of the pot. He has had to stretch me more in some areas then others. He is still stretching me.

I do know that Larsons story has certainly revealed to me areas in my life that I had not struggled with before. The fruit of the Spirit is easy when you don't have anything testing them. To be gentle and kind and patience and faithful. To love and have joy and peace and self-control. Wow! Those are hard when you are trying to navigate how to just get through a moment let alone have everything else in life still going. Marriage, kids, finances, school, work, friends, family, church...

If only things would stand still as you navigate grief and when you are ready you can jump back into life. Part of the trial is facing life with an amputation and then figuring out how to use a new prosthesis! The limb is gone and you need to use the artificial one to keep going. And as time continues, the artificial one becomes easier and more of a habit! You become faster and it just starts to fit.

Well...I am sure this post may be wording and confusing. Sometimes that is just how my thoughts seem to be. I've always thought faster then I can type and talked faster then I can think! :)

So for now...I will get back to the beach and remember, this was one place we visited all together as a family of seven. Larson WAS at the beach with us! But NOW...he is worshipping God in Heaven! The beach is such a reminder of the Majesty of God and to think Larson is worshipping and praising Him face to face, really can just take my breath away. Larson is complete..Larson is safe..Larson is healed. I will see him one day. And until then...God will be faithful to persevere me and grow me and walk with me.

Mission Trip to Ukraine

My dear friend Aimee and her friend Jamie are going on a mission trip to an orphanage to the Ukraine. I have been so blessed myself by the things God has done in this family's' life....I look forward to following this part. Please pray for their mission and all involved. The following is the link to her travel blog. To God be the Glory!
http://www.fortheirjoy.blogspot.com/

The Garage Sale!! and a new blog-

We'll...I made it through the garage sale. Hard to watch things walk off my driveway. Clothes...carseats AND my crib!! :( So many precious memories that only I will cherish and do not walk away with the "things" although it feels that way at times. I can't say it was easy but when would it? My hearts desire was always to have MANY children and so its rough to feel like we may not. Who knows...Only God!

I started this blog specifically to update and communicate with family and friends on life after Larson. The changes it brought us. Our ups and downs. Just how we were feeling. As so many know...its hard to talk to everyone directly after the loss of your child and so this worked so well! So many of you who have read this blog are going through this very thing. It is taxing and emotional. This blog has helped me to write down my feelings...to be honest in a safe place, without judgement from others. I really felt supported while keeping loved ones up to date. It definitly became something so much more then that. I would come hoping the Lord would also use this in a way to help others. If it has been used in that way at all...Praise God!

This blog was initally created for family and friends, and yet I have "met" some amazing people. These blog friends have gone through the same heartache of losing a child....some more then 1! I can't express enough of my thankfulness and gratitude for those of you who have listened and read. For your kind thoughts and prayers. Our family forsure felt them all! I am so incredibly grateful for the support and love from you all! I now have more friends who understand my new normal and what a treasure that is. God has provided well in our time of need.

Larson has 3 brothers and a sister who keep me on my toes and help me to stay present. After much prayer and thoughtful considration, I have decided to start a family blog. Our story for sure continues and for some reason this just feels right to me to start something new at this time.

This has been a hard decision because by no means do I want to diminish the life of my son. There is some fear that peopole will think I am over it and so I am "moving on"....I assure you, Im not moving on or over it...but just moving forward and pressing on. I know that staying at this blog doesn't mean that I am not pressing on. Either way I am just wanting to share the story of our family so I will have a journel for my children to have one day. So staying here or leaving...I have the same motive in mind...Glorifying God and sharing His story.

I know that God so blessed us with a son for 23 hours and with 4 more children here. I don't take this task lightly. Starting a new blog does not diminish the work God is doing in my families life...it will not heal my pain...nor is it to make me forget. I am not switching blogs to leave him behind or to not embrace the story God has given to me, but to continue to write about our family with EVERYONE in it! Larsons blog will be up...I will still write from time to time.

For those who want to continue to follow what we are up to,...you may email me at, www.theobs@usa.net. Looking forward to sharing! Thanks again for all your kind words, your compassion, patience and undertanding.

I will continue to follow so many of your adventures...it sure has been fun to watch what the Lord is doing in so many of your lives and to advance His Kingdom.

Letting Go

This is the title of the last page of Nancy Guthries devotional..."A Year of Hope". This book has been a tremendous encouragement to me as I have walked this road of grief. Not only has she lost 2 children...she also is faithful to point us to scripture in the heat of the battle.

This page of Letting Go has been difficult for me. I know the devotional is for A YEAR and here I am 18 months later trying to let go. She states that the letting go is not of our child...but of the grip that grief has on us. I have said in the last couple posts that this is not as prominent on a hour to hour or even day to day basis...but when grief is gripping me....IT IS GRIPPING ME!

I have decided that it is time to go through things and let things go physically. This has been MUCH harder then I had thought. I had not gone through ANY of our baby clothes for Larson even when we knew he was a boy. I knew his condition was grave and the possibility of him coming home was not good. I wasn't being a pessimist..just a realist. Besides...he was 4lbs. 14oz....the little guy would not have fit. So I tucked the bin away. It moved from our garage to the crawl space without taking a peak....it was just so painful.

So in the last couple of days I have been taking things out of the crawl space for my garage sale. I wonder if I should just pack it up and give it away but my kids have begged to do a garage sale. I thought this would be a good learning experience for them....it has turned out to be a grieving time for me.

Our parenting journey began 9 1/2 years ago with our eldest child Emma. We knew we wanted alot of children but were unsure exactly how many. After Larson we felt that the Lords desire was for us to have one more. Why one? That was what we felt was put on our hearts. After losing the two babies after Levi we tried one more time. We agree when we found out we were pregnant with Larson that this was our last one.

So here I am closing a chapter in my life...so it seems. Its just that one of them is missing. I thought I was doing good until I started dragging everything out of that dusty crawl space. Wiping dust off of things seemed so cutting. Then into the bins I went. Looking through all the adoring clothing. It has been harder then I thought. I know this is what I need to do...what is holding onto all this stuff going to do?

Maybe I held on to it thinking maybe we would still have another...but it seems that right now we will not. I am grieving this as well. I certainly didn't want this to end this way. I know it is not the end with my other children. I have SO much to rejoice with with them. But even Landon sees the loss. Today while putting things out he said....
"Mommy....if Larson were here we would not be selling all of this stuff. He would be sleeping in the crib...riding in the stroller...and wearing the clothes. And we would be giving him tons of hugs" Out of the mouth of my 6 year old boy!!!

Landon is right. We would be using them, but we are not. We all know what we hoped would have been...yet trust what is right now by faith. I could only be doing this "grief walk" by the Grace of God. The Grace that He has givin to me to walk a journey in my life I NEVER wanted.

So I see others continuing there life with new life...new hope and new joy, I certainly wonder what the future will look like for us. Not what I thought...but beautiful none the less. Beautiful because my relationship with my Saviour is biggest then the clothes Larson would have worn or the stroller he would have rode. My Saviour is for eternity. So for the moments I live on earth that may be painful and even seem unbearable. Well they are because my Hope is not in this world and the things in it. My hope is in eternity. Eternity were there will be no more grief...or tears...or disappointment...or sadness.

So really I am just sharing my thoughts. Not because I am hopeless...but that I am hopeful that I can continue to let go of the things I had hoped for and HOLD on to the only thing I can....Jesus! This is not always easy. I wont' claim to have done it well or even right. But I am doing it....and the miracle is that I am still doing it by faith and faith alone.

So if you think of it. Pray for me Friday and Saturday as I tangibly let go of the things I wish I didn't have to....the things I wish a sweet 18 month old baby boy was wearing...but pray that I would hold so tightly to the One who is worthy to hold onto. The One who will not change...who will not fail...who will not die!!! I have definitely been fighting a spiritual battle in the last few days and I am praying with all my might for peace...hope...joy...and trust.

Re-do???

For some reason I have really been aching for my sweet baby. More time...If only we could have a re-do! I really would be willing to go back...just for my 9 months and 23 hours with that precious gift! It hurt so bad...but was so worth it. The sting doesn't stay as long these day...but it still comes. I think I am more acquainted with the ache. It has become a part of who I am. Just as a scare becomes part of your skin. Its as though I just don't notice the ache until it becomes more intense or something triggers the wounds to open. It eventually closes up...but the subtle ache remains. But who could ever fully get over this....?



He was worth all the pain...all the tears and all the SMILES! If only we could do a re-do!!!

My back is back!

I wanted to thank you all for your prayers for my back...here is my update. I got the cortisone shot a week ago Wednesday and it has worked!! Praise God! I would say I am 80% better. I have actually been able to go on walks this week. I really am so grateful and I know that the Lord was guiding the doctors hand to the correct spot. When getting a cortisone shot it is likely that it will not work the first time. They told me that often they don't know the exact tissue to hit...so I'm thankful it hit the right area.